38 Signs of a Toxic Relationship and Tips For Fixing It

What does it look like? · Lack of support · Toxic communication · Jealousy · Controlling behaviors · Resentment · Dishonesty · Patterns of disrespect · Negative ... HealthlineHealthConditionsDiscoverPlanConnectSubscribeIsYourRelationshipToxic?MedicallyreviewedbyJanetBrito,Ph.D.,LCSW,CST—WrittenbyCindyLamothe—UpdatedonOctober14,2021SignsoftoxicityIsitworthsaving?MovingforwardRecognizingabuseShareonPinterestWhenyou’reinahealthyrelationship,everythingjustkindofworks.Sure,therearebumpsintheroad,butyougenerallymakedecisionstogether,openlydiscussanyproblemsthatarise,andgenuinelyenjoyeachother’scompany.Toxicrelationshipsareanotherstory.Andwhenyou’reinone,itcanbehardertoseeredflags.Ifyouconsistentlyfeeldrainedorunhappyafterspendingtimewithyourpartner,itcouldbeasignthatthingsneedtochange,saysrelationshiptherapistJor-ElCaraballo.Here’salookatsomehallmarksignsoftoxicityinarelationshipandwhattodoifyourecognizetheminyourrelationship.Whatdoesitlooklike?Dependingonthenatureoftherelationship,signsoftoxicitycanbesubtleorhighlyobvious,explainsCarlaMarieManly,PhD,authorof“JoyfromFear.”Ifyou’reinatoxicrelationship,youmayrecognizesomeofthesesignsinyourself,yourpartner,ortherelationshipitself.LackofsupportYourtimetogetherhasstoppedbeingpositiveorsupportiveofyourgoals.“Healthyrelationshipsarebasedonamutualdesiretoseetheothersucceedinallareasoflife,”Caraballosays.Butwhenthingsturntoxic,everyachievementbecomesacompetition.Inotherwords,youdon’tfeelliketheyhaveyourback.ToxiccommunicationInsteadoftreatingeachotherwithkindness,mostofyourconversationsarefilledwithsarcasm,criticism,oroverthostility.Youmayevenstartavoidingtalkingtoeachother.JealousyWhileit’snormaltoexperiencejealousyfromtimetotime,Caraballoexplainsitcanbecomeanissueifyoucan’tgetyourselftothinkorfeelpositivelyabouttheirsuccess.ControllingbehaviorsQuestioningwhereyouareallthetimeorbecomingoverlyupsetwhenyoudon’timmediatelyanswertextsarebothsignsofcontrollingbehavior,whichcancontributetotoxicityinarelationship.Insomecases,theseattemptsofcontroloveryoucanbeasignofabuse(moreonthislater).ResentmentHoldingontogrudgesandlettingthemfesterchipsawayatintimacy.“Overtime,frustrationorresentmentcanbuildupandmakeasmallerchasmmuchbigger,”Caraballonotes.DishonestyYoufindyourselfconstantlymakingupliesaboutyourwhereaboutsorwhoyoumeetupwithtoavoidspendingtimewithyourpartner.PatternsofdisrespectBeingchronicallylate,casually“forgetting”events,andotherbehaviorsthatshowdisrespectforyourtimearearedflag,Manlysays.NegativefinancialbehaviorsYourpartnermightmakefinancialdecisions,includingpurchasingbig-ticketitemsorwithdrawinglargesumsofmoney,withoutconsultingyou.ConstantstressAnormalamountoftensionrunsthrougheveryrelationship,butfindingyourselfconstantlyonedgeisanindicatorthatsomething’soff.Thisongoingstresscantakeatollonyourphysicalandmentalhealth.IgnoringyourneedsGoingalongwithwhateveryourpartnerwantstodo,evenwhenitgoesagainstyourwishesorcomfortlevel,isasuresignoftoxicity,saysclinicalpsychologistCatalinaLawsin,PhD.Forexample,youmightagreetoavacationtheyplanned,eitherintentionallyorunintentionally,fordatesthataren’tconvenientforyou.LostrelationshipsYou’vestoppedspendingtimewithfriendsandfamily,eithertoavoidconflictwithyourpartnerortogetaroundhavingtoexplainwhat’shappeninginyourrelationship.Alternatively,youmightfindyourfreetimeiswrappedupindealingwithyourpartner.Lackofself-careInatoxicrelationship,youmightletgoofyourusualself-carehabits,Lawsinexplains.Youmightwithdrawfromhobbiesyouonceloved,neglectyourhealth,andsacrificeyourfreetime.HopingforchangeYoumightstayintherelationshipbecauseyouseetheotherperson’spotentialorthinkthatifyoujustchangeyourselfandyouractions,they’llchangeaswell.WalkingoneggshellsYouworrythatbybringingupproblems,you’llprovokeextremetension,soyoubecomeconflictavoidantandkeepanyissuestoyourself.Cantherelationshipbesaved?Manypeopleassumethattoxicrelationshipsaredoomed,butthatisn’talwaysthecase.Thedecidingfactor?Bothpartnersmustwanttochange,Manlysays.“Ifonlyonepartnerisinvestedincreatinghealthypatterns,thereis—unfortunately—littlelikelihoodthatchangewilloccur,”sheexplains.Hereareafewothersignsthatyoumightbeabletoworkthingsout.WillingnesstoinvestYoubothdisplayanattitudeofopennessandwillingnesstoinvestinmakingtherelationshipbetter.“Thismaymanifestbyaninterestindeepeningconversations,”Manlysays,orsettingasideregularblocksoftimeforspendingqualitytimetogether.AcceptanceofresponsibilityRecognizingthepastbehaviorsthathaveharmedtherelationshipisvitalonbothends,Manlyadds.Itreflectsaninterestinself-awarenessandself-responsibility.ShiftfromblamingtounderstandingIfyou’rebothabletosteertheconversationawayfromblamingandmoretowardunderstandingandlearning,theremaybeapathforward.OpennesstooutsidehelpThisisabigone.Sometimes,youmightneedhelptogetthingsbackontrack,eitherthroughindividualorcouplescounseling.Howcanwemoveforward?AccordingtoManly,repairingatoxicrelationshipwilltaketime,patience,anddiligence.Thisisespeciallythecase,Manlyadds,“giventhatmosttoxicrelationshipsoftenoccurasaresultoflongstandingissuesinthecurrentrelationship,orasaresultofunaddressedissuesfrompriorrelationships.”Herearesomestepsforturningthingsaround.Don’tdwellonthepastSure,partofrepairingtherelationshipwilllikelyinvolveaddressingpastevents.Butthisshouldn’tbethesolefocusofyourrelationshipmovingforward.Resistthetemptationtoconstantlyreferbacktonegativescenarios.ViewyourpartnerwithcompassionWhenyoufindyourselfwantingtoblameyourpartnerforalltheproblemsintherelationship,trytakingastepbackandlookingatthepotentialmotivatorsbehindtheirbehavior,Caraballosays.Havetheybeengoingthroughahardtimeatwork?Wastheresomefamilydramaweighingheavilyontheirmind?Thesearen’texcusesforbadbehavior,buttheycanhelpyoucometoabetterunderstandingofwhereyourpartner’scomingfrom.StarttherapyAnopennesstotherapycanbeagoodsignthatthingsaremendable.Actuallyfollowingthroughonthiscanbekeytohelpingtherelationshipmoveforward.Whilecouplescounselingisagoodstartingpoint,individualtherapycanbeahelpfuladdition,Manlysays.Concernedaboutthecost?Ourguidetoaffordabletherapycanhelp.FindsupportRegardlessofwhetheryoudecidetotrytherapy,lookforothersupportopportunities.Maybethisinvolvestalkingtoaclosefriendorjoiningalocalsupportgroupforcouplesorpartnersdealingwithspecificissuesintheirrelationship,suchasinfidelityorsubstancemisuse.PracticehealthycommunicationPaycloseattentiontohowyoutalktoeachotherasyoumendthings.Begentlewitheachother.Avoidsarcasmormildjabs,atleastforthetimebeing.Alsofocusonusing“I”statements,especiallywhentalkingaboutrelationshipissues.Forexample,insteadofsaying“Youdon’tlistentowhatI’msaying,”youcouldsay“Ifeellikeyouaren’tlisteningtomewhenyoutakeoutyourphonewhileI’mtalking.”Beaccountable“Bothpartnersmustacknowledgetheirpartinfosteringthetoxicity,”Lawsinemphasizes.Thismeansidentifyingandtakingresponsibilityforyourownactionsintherelationship.It’salsoaboutbeingpresentandengagedduringdifficultconversations.HealindividuallyIt’simportantforeachofyoutoindividuallydeterminewhatyouneedfromtherelationshipandwhereyourboundarieslie,Lawsinadvises.Evenifyoufeellikeyoualreadyknowwhatyourneedsandboundariesare,it’sworthrevisitingthem.Theprocessofrebuildingadamagedrelationshipoffersagoodopportunitytoreevaluatehowyoufeelaboutcertainelementsoftherelationship.Holdspacefortheother’schangeRemember,thingswon’tchangeovernight.Overthecomingmonths,worktogetheronbeingflexibleandpatientwitheachotherasyougrow.Abusevs.toxicityToxicityinarelationshipcantakemanyforms,includingformsofabuse.There’sneveranexcuseforabusivebehavior.You’reunlikelytochangeyourpartner’sbehavioronyourown.Abusecomesinmanyshapesandsizes.Thiscanmakeithardtorecognize,especiallyifyou’vebeeninalong-term,toxicrelationship.Thefollowingsignssuggestphysicaloremotionalabuse.Ifyourecognizeanyoftheseinyourrelationship,it’sprobablybesttowalkaway.Thisiseasiersaidthandone,butwe’vegotsomeresourcesthatcanhelpattheendofthissection.Diminishedself-worthYourpartnerblamesyouforeverythingthatgoeswrongandmakesyoufeelasifyoucan’tdoanythingright.“Youendupfeelingsmall,confused,shamed,andoftenexhausted,”Manlysays.Theymaydothisbypatronizing,dismissing,orembarrassingyouinpublic.ChronicstressandanxietyIt’snormaltohaveperiodsoffrustrationwithyourpartnerordoubtsaboutyourfuturetogether.Butyoushouldn’tbespendingsignificantamountsoftimeworryingabouttherelationshiporyoursafetyandsecurity.SeparationfromfriendsandfamilySometimes,dealingwithatoxicrelationshipcancauseyoutowithdrawfromfriendsandfamily.Butanabusivepartnermayforcefullydistanceyoufromyoursupportnetwork.Forexample,theymightunplugthephonewhileyou’retalkingorgetinyourfacetodistractyou.Theymayalsoconvinceyouthatyourlovedonesdon’twanttohearfromyou,anyway.InterferencewithworkorschoolForbiddingyoufromseekingemploymentorstudyingisawaytoisolateandcontrolyou.Theymayalsoattempttohumiliateyouatyourworkplaceorschoolbycausingasceneortalkingtoyourbossorteachers.FearandintimidationAnabusivepartnermightexplodewithrageoruseintimidationtactics,suchasslammingtheirfistsintowallsornotallowingyoutoleavethehouseduringafight.Name-callingandput-downsInsultsaimedtohumiliateandbelittleyourinterests,appearance,oraccomplishmentsareverbalabuse.Belowaresomeexamplesofwhatthingsaverballyabusivepartnermightsay:“You’reworthless.”“Youcan’tdoanythingright.”“Nooneelsecouldeverloveyou.”FinancialrestrictionTheymaycontrolallthemoneythatcomesinandpreventyoufromhavingyourownbankaccount,restrictingaccesstocreditcards,oronlygivingyouadailyallowance.GaslightingGaslightingisatechniquethatmakesyouquestionyourownfeelings,instincts,andsanity.Forexample,theymaytrytoconvinceyouthatthey’veneverabusive,insistingit’sallinyourhead.Ortheymayaccuseyouofbeingtheonewithangerandcontrolissuesbyactinglikethevictim.Threatsofself-harmThreateningsuicideorself-harmasawaytopressureyouintodoingthingsisaformofmanipulationandabuse.PhysicalviolenceThreatsandverbalinsultscanescalatetophysicalviolence.Ifyourpartnerispushing,slapping,orhittingyou,it’saclearsignthattherelationshiphasbecomedangerous.CindyLamotheisafreelancejournalistbasedinGuatemala.Shewritesoftenabouttheintersectionsbetweenhealth,wellness,andthescienceofhumanbehavior.She’swrittenforTheAtlantic,NewYorkMagazine,TeenVogue,Quartz,TheWashingtonPost,andmanymore.Findheratcindylamothe.com.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