The New Age of Grandparenting - Good Housekeeping

Welcome to today's world of grandparenting. The Baby Boomers and Gen Xers navigating their roles as family elders face a dramatically ... 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JodiFrenchlovesbeinganactivestep-grandparent. CourtesyofJodiFrench Recently,TheGoodHousekeepingInstitutesurveyedmorethan1,500peopleaboutgrandparenthoodtoday,askingthemtoweighinoneverythingfromchildcaretosocialmedia.Thatsurveyalsoincludedparents,anduncoveredafewgrowingpainsintherelationship.BabyBoomerandGenXersmayfeelvibrantandfullofwisdom,buttheirgrownkidsdon’talwaysseeitthatway—andmanywishgrandparentswouldkeeptheiroutdatedadvicetothemselves.Yet,grandparentsdon’tthinkofthemselvesasoldfashioned,stodgyorirrelevant.Infact,theyseetheirgenerationasadaptableandopentochangingtimes.Ourresearchrevealedthat68%oftoday’sgrandparentsconsiderthemselves“cooler”thantheirowngrandparents.Certainly,BoomerandGenXgrandparentsembracemulticulturalism—anAARPnationalsurveyongrandparentingfoundthatafullthirdhavegrandchildrenofadifferentraceorethnicity.ThevastmajorityoftheAARPsurveyrespondentsalsosaytheywouldfullyacceptagrandchildwhocameoutasLGBTQ+.Ingeneral,theyarefarmoreopentogenderfluiditythanpreviousgenerations.Pattyconsidersherselfsquarelyinthatdemographicofopen-mindedness.Afterall,shespent“asummeroflove”livingonaCaliforniacommuneinthe1970s.ButwhenPattyraisedherchildreninthe1980s,theprevailingmedicalwisdomwasthatbabiesshouldsleepontheirstomachs,topreventthemfromchokingontheirownspit-up.Parentstodayhavebetterinformation—babieswhosleepontheirstomachsareathigherriskforSuddenInfantDeathSyndrome(SIDS),accordingtotheAmericanAcademyofPediatrics(AAP)anditssafesleeprecommendations. DanielleDaly It’snotjustmedicalunderstandingthathasevolvedbetweengenerations.Changingdemographicsandtechnologyhastransformedhowgrandparentsrelatetoandstayconnectedtotheirgrandchildren.Yetthefundamentalstranscendtime:Mostgrandparentsseethemselvesasasourceofknowledgeandguidance,andprovidephysical,emotionalandfinancialsupport.And—likegenerationsbeforethem—theywanttobeclosetotheirgrandchildren.Buthowinvolvedgrandparentsaretoday,andthewaysinwhichtheygetandstayevolved,isaconstantlyrebalancingequation. COVIDandChangingTechnologyThepandemicupendedthegrandparentingworld.Assomegrandparentswentformorethanayearwithoutseeingtheirgrandchildren,“virtualgrandparenting”bloomed.Bynecessity,thiscohorthasbecomeincreasinglyadeptattechnology.Eighty-onepercentofgrandparentsintheGHInstitutesurveybelievethatsocialmediaandphonecallsstrengthentheirrelationshipwiththeirgrandchildren,andnearlyhalfhaveincreasedtheiruseofthistypeofcontactduringCOVID-19.NancyLee,asocialworkerwholivesinLongIsland,NewYork,describesherselfasa“FaceTimebabysitter”forhergrandchildreninAtlantaandChicago.Leereadsanddoescraftswithheryoungergrandchildrenandsendsworkbookstotheolderones,whichtheycompleteonlinetogether.She’salsoavailabletostepinvirtuallywhenneeded. NancyLeetookhergrandparentingskillsonlineafterCOVID-19. CourtesyofNancyLee “Ifthemomhasjustreallyhaditorthebabyishavingamoment,myjobistomakethemfeellovedandsecure,”shesays.“I’llsay,‘letmehavethekids.’”PauletteCiotti,ayogaandmeditationinstructor,hasn’tseenhergranddaughters,wholiveacrossthecountry,since2019.TheFaceTimecallsfromAva,11,andAudrey,7,havebeenalifeline,maintainingalevelofcasualintimacyduringthepandemic.“It’ssuchaboontohaveadirectconnectionthatdoesn’tgothroughtheirMomorDad,”Ciottisays.“Avawillthinkofsomethingthatremindsherofsomethingwedidtogether,andcall.Audreymightbebored,andwe’llfigureoutsomethingforhertodo,like,‘gointothebackyardandlookforthis’or‘gointoyourseconddresserdrawerandtellmeeverythingthat’sinit.’”Thosewholiveclosertotheirgrandchildrenhavesteppeduptheirchildcare,astheywatchtheirownkidsstruggletobalanceremotework,home-schoolingandcaregiving.Aresounding90%toldtheGHInstitutethattheywatchtheirgrandchildrenbecausetheywantto,withjust10%sayingtheyfeltchildcarewasanobligation. DanielleDaly JamilaRufaro,aprofessorwholivesinCalifornia’sBayArea,hasaphotoofherdaughter-in-lawsittinginfrontofherhomecomputer,remotelyteachingahighschoollessononOfMiceandMen,with20-month-oldJorellonherlap.MeanwhileDr.RufaroherselfwasteachingremotelyatStanfordUniversity’sBusinessSchool.Eventually,shejuggledherownscheduletobabysitJorellandhis5-year-oldsister,Ellora,twodaysaweek.Somegrandparentsfelthelplessastheywatchedtheirfar-awaykidsnavigatechildcareduringthepandemic.ThereseMarra,anaccountingclerkinDelaware,worriesaboutthestressonherdaughterHeather,wholivesinupstateNewYork.BothsheandherwifeNicoleworkfull-timeandremotely.Marra’s3-year-oldgrandson,Max,isontheautismspectrum,andduringthepandemic,hispre-schoolandsupportservicesbecamevirtual.Marra,agrandparentwhoherselfworksfull-time,wishedshecoulddomoretohelp.She’stoldherdaughteranddaughter-in-lawhowproudsheisofthemforfiguringoutwaystomakeitallwork.And,accordingtograndparentingexperts,thatmaybethebestsupportofall. Grandparenting101andthePerilsofAdviceNewmothers,particularly,needreassurancethattheyaredoingagoodjobandoftenhearwell-intendedadviceascriticism,sayNancySanchezandMarilynSwarts,whoteachagrandparentingclassaspartoftheperinataleducationprogramatStanfordChildren'sHealthinCalifornia.Hormonesarestillelevated,andparentshaven’tyetgottentheirsealegs.Atthesametime,grandparentsfeelmarginalizedandunneededifthey’retoldtheirguidanceisout-of-dateorunwelcome.Emotionsrunhighuntilthenewrolesareestablished.“Yourememberwhenyoutaughtyourchildtorideabicycle,andyoujustkindofhungontothebackuntiltheygottheirbalance?”Sanchez,aperinatalhealtheducatorandcounselor,asks.“That’sallyou’redoingasagrandparent.You’resupportingthem,helpingthemgettheirbalance.Butit’stheirride.Thisistheirbaby.” SharonRallsisagrandmotherofsixandistheprimarycaregiverfortwoofhergrandkids. CourtesyofSharonRalls SanchezandSwartsstartedtheclassafterrunningsupportgroupsfornewmothersandhearingthesamecomplaintsaboutgrandparentschallengingnewparentsonbabycare.Amomcommittedtobreastfeeding,forinstance,mightbecrushedifhermothersaid,“Givethatbabyabottle.She’shungry.”Ifgrandparentsweremoreinformedaboutnewmedicaldevelopmentsandversedincommonrelationshipproblems,thenursesreasoned,thingswouldgomoresmoothly.Theclasstookoff,andtoday,grandparentclasseshavespreadalloverthecountry.Sowhathappenswhenparentsandgrandparentsareoutofstep?SharonRalls,aMassachusettsgrandmotherofsix,remembersherownmother’sparentingadvicealwaysbeganwith:“IfIwereyou…”Rallsmodifiedherapproachconcerningherowngrandchildren.“Mineis,‘Youmightwanttoconsider…’Igivethemanoptionandthat’sit.”Offeringguidanceorholdingyourtongue—thatisthequestion.Inherclass,Sanchezremindsgrandparentsthattheyareinanewrole—stillparentingtheirchild,butnotthegrandchild.Withadvice,shesaysgrandparentsmusttakecarenottounderminenewparents’shakyconfidence.Swartsismoredirect:“Icallit‘Zipthelip.Bitethetongue.’”What’smore,SanchezandSwartsemphasizethatgrandparentsmustrespecttheirkids’parentingdecisions.Andmanygrandparentsreportdoingjustthat,followingparents’guidelinestotheletter.“BrittanygivesmetherulesandIdon’tdeviatefromtherules,”saysJodiFrench,astep-grandmotheroftwoinMaine.“Ifshesaysthattheyhavetogotobedat8p.m.,Iputthemtobedat8p.m..Mymotherdidn’trespectmyparentingstyle,whereasIrespectBrittany’s.She’sanamazingmom.” DanielleDaly MichaelMcDanielandBobBensonhavethreegrandchildren.Thegrandfathers—called“DaddyMac”and“BigPapa”bythelittleones—arescrupulouslydeferential.Afterbeingcorrected,theynowsay“goodjob”insteadof“goodgirl”topraisetheirgranddaughter,Julianna.Whentheywantedtoplayagamewithher,theycheckedwiththeparentsonrulesonwinningandlosingbehavior.“Weaskquestionsbecausetheyraisetheirkidsinadifferentwaythanwedid,”Bensonsays.“Ijustwanttomakesurewe’recarefultonavigatehowtheywanttheirkidstoberaisedsothatwefitintotheplan.”Notallgrandparentsareascompliant.Onegrandmotherhasasigninherhousethatsays,“WhatHappensatGrandma’s,StaysatGrandma’s”proudlydisplayedatherhouse.“Ifwewanttostayupuntilmidnightandeatcandyinbedwhenshesleepsover,that’spartofthefunofbeingagrandma,”shesays.(Butonlyanonymously.)GrandparentsnotrespectingruleswasoneofthebiggestcomplaintsfromparentsintheGHInstitutesurvey.“Someofmychildren’sgrandparentstrytounderminemyhusband’sandmydecisions,”onerespondentsaid.“Itcrossedourboundariesofrespect.” ForgingNewFamiliesMulti-racialandmulticulturalfamiliescanalsobenewterritoryforgrandparents,buttheyareadapting.Theoldergenerationinmultiracialfamiliestendtohavestrongconnectionstotheirownculturalroots,saysAARP.Almostall(90%)ofgrandparentsbelieveit’simportantthattheirmixedordifferentracedgrandchildrenunderstandtheheritagetheyshare.Theyalsoreportstrongconnectionstotheparentoftheotherraceandwiththeirmixed-racechildren’sothersetofgrandparents.Dr.Rufarowassofondoftheparentsofherson’sgirlfriend,thatshe“proposed”tothembeforethekidsweremarried.“Wejusthadthebesttimetogether,”shesays.“OnedayIaskediftheywantedtobegrandparentswithme.Theysaidyes.” DanielleDaly Still,challengesremain.Dr.Rufaro’ssonisBlack,andherdaughter-in-lawiswhite.WhenDr.RufarowasshoppingwithhergranddaughterEllora,awomanaskedhowmuchshecharged.“Isaid,‘Oh,no.Idon’tcharge.I’mthegrandmother.’Andthenshesaid,‘Youknow,youdon’tlooklikeher.’”ForNancyLee,thedifferencesarecultural.SheisChinese,andhertwosonsbothmarriedwomenwhoareKorean.Shereferstothemasher“daughters-in-love,”andsheloveshowtheybringnewfoodandcustomstothefamily.Swartssaysthatinhergrandparentingclass,concernsoftencomeupaboutwhatculturaltraditionswillbepassedon.Swartsadvisesparentstodecidetogetherwhichcustomstheywillhonorandmaintain,andthenpresentaunitedfronttograndparents.(Shealsoadvisestoletthechildoftheconcernedparent—notthein-law—dothetalking.)Ifagrandparentisreallyworriedaboutsomeaspectofbabycare—co-sleeping,breastfeedingandsoon—Swartssuggeststhatgrandparentsaccompanyparentsonapediatricvisit.“Thisgenerationtendstorespectauthority,likethebaby’sdoctor,”shesays. TheRulesHaveChangedGrandparentshavealottolearntokeepupwiththeevolutionsinchildrearing.Startingfromthefirstweeksofconception,today’sparentshavefarmoreinformationattheirfingertips.WhileBoomersandGenXgrandparentsmayhavereliedononeortwobooks,nowparentsareconstantlyonline.“Katepracticallyhadhermedicaldegreeinobstetrics,”MargaretAtkinson,arealtorinFlorida,saysofherpregnantdaughter,whoeducatedherselfaboutallthingspregnancyonline.“Like,‘thisweekhecanopenandclosehishandsandcurlhistoes.’There’ssomuchmoreknowledge.”WebsiteslikeTheBumpandBabyCenter,whichweren’taroundintheBabyBoomer/GenXdays,allowexpectantparentstofollowtheirbaby’sdevelopmentweekbyweekindetail.Standardsofinfantcarehaveevolved,too,sometimestotheconsternationoftheoldergeneration.Onegrandmotherdescribedswaddlingas“ababystraightjacket,”whileanothermarveled,“theywrapthemliketinymummies,”eventhoughtheAAPsaysswaddlingcanhelpwithbabysleepwhendonecorrectly.Onegrandfatherspeculatedthattoday’sbabycarseats“must’vebeendesignedbyNASA”andwonderedwhytherestraints“didn’tleavescars.”Cribsarekeptbarenowexceptforacribsheet(topreventSIDS)sothebumpersorbabyblanketsgrandmassavedarenotwelcomegifts. DanielleDaly Grandparentsarebemusedattheamountofequipment(“Diaperwipeheaters?”)thenumberofplaythings,(“thehouseislikeatoystore”)andfindthewayparentsconstantly“stimulateandentertaintheirchildren”troubling.“Iremembersayingtomykids,‘Idon’twanttohearorseeyouuntiltomorrowmorning,’”saysonegrandmother.“Idon’tthinkIwasameanmother,butwesurewerestricter.”AccordingtoboththeGHInstitutesurveyandtheAARPstudy,grandparentswishthatparentswerefirmer,particularlywhenitcomestomanners,respectandlearningthevalueofmoney.Grandparentsarebaffledbythe“democratization”ofthehousehold,wherekidsaregivenalargesayindecisions.Andtheyworrythattheirgrandchildrendon’tknowhowtoplayoutsideinanunstructuredwayorsolveproblemswithoutlookingattheirphones.Asmuchasthisgenerationofgrandparentsappreciatesthetechnologythatkeepsthemconnectedtotheirgrandchildren,theyalsoworryabouttheimpactofalltheseelectronicsonchildren.“Itrytopulltheyoungeronesawayfromtheirtechnologyandthenit’stogethertime,”Ralls,anassistantprincipalatanelementaryschool,says.“It’seither‘ChutesandLadders’ordominosormakingcardsorcookinginthekitchen.It’sthosetimesIreallyfeellikeagrandmother.” Michael“DaddyMac”McDanielandBob“BigPapa”Bensonrespectthewaytheirgrandkidsarebeingraised. CourtesyofMichaelMcDanielandBobBenson Fightingagainsttheubiquityoftechnologycanseemlikealosingbattle.Referringtohergrandchildren,LizaWaters,aretiredteachersays,“theparentsareattachedtotheirownphonesnonstop.Soallthegrandkidsknowhowtoswipe.Thelittleoneswillpickupanythingthat’sarectangleandpretendit’saphone.”Socialmediaisanothernewareatonegotiate.Someparentspostpicturesoftheirbaby’severyyawnandsmile—and12%ofgrandparentsintheGHInstitutesurveythoughtparentspostedtoomuchonsocialmedia.Ontheotherhand,sometimesproudgrandparentsare,ofcourse,eagertosharephotos,andit’stheparentswhoworryaboutprivacyanddon’twanttheirchild’simageonline.“Mymother-in-lawpostsphotosofmychildrenonsocialmediawithoutaskingpermission,”onerespondenttoldtheGHInstitute.“Ifindthisdangerousaswearefosterparents,andshedisregardstheruleswehaveinplace.”Everyfamilyisdifferent,andthegeneralwisdomisthatparentssetthesocialmediarules,andgrandparentsfollowthem.Howthisactuallyplaysoutinpractice,though,isoftenmuchmessier.BoomerandGenXgrandparentsarealsosurprisedbyhowdeeplyinvolvedparentsareintheminutiaoftheirchildren’slives.Theydon’tremembersocloselymonitoringtheirownchildren’ssleep,foodorsociallife.Oneusedtheexpression“snowplowparenting”—todescribeparentstryingtoremoveeveryobstacleinfrontoftheirkids.Thebiggestchangesincetheyraisedkidsistheinvolvementoffathers,grandparentssay.BabyBoomersbarelyhadmaternityleaveandpaternityleavedidn’texist.Thepandemichasheightenedwhatgrandparentsseeasahealthypartnership,versusthedayswhenmothershadprimarycareofthechildren.Waters’sonrecentlytookfamilyleaveandwillbetheprimarycaretakerinMassachusettswhenhiswifeworkstowardshergraduatedegreeinNewYork.“That’sthecoolthing.Dadsarewaymoreinvolved,”shesays.“Myhusbandwasinvolvedbutnothingliketheseguys.” “I’mMuchYoungerThanMyGrandparentsWere!”Today’sgrandparentsremembertheirowngrandparentsfondly,butalmostasifviewingasepiaphoto.Astheyrememberit,grandparentsweremoresedentaryandchildren“weretobeseenandnotheard.”Thegenerationaldifferencesseemedstark.Grandpasdidn’ttalktokidsmuch.Inimmigrantfamilies,manygrandparentsdidn’tspeakEnglish.BlackgrandparentswhowerepartoftheGreatMigrationbroughttheirexperienceofJimCrowwiththem,cautioningtheirgrandkidstokeeptheireyescastdown.Overall,GenXandBoomergrandparentsconsiderthemselvesfarmoreenergeticthanthe“old”peopletheyremember.“Mygrandparentsfeltancient,”saysFrench,aCrossFitenthusiast.“Youcouldn'teventalktothem.Imean,Ilovedthem,buttheywouldnevergetdownonthefloorandplaywithus.”Jodidescribesherselfas“superactive”withherstep-grandchildren,whoare4and18months. Whennotplayingonthefloorwithkids,FrenchisaCrossFitenthusiast. CourtesyofJodiFrench Grandparentsmay“feel"youngerthesedays—buttechnicallythey’renot.Theaverageageofbecomingafirst-timegrandparenthasbeenclimbing,primarilybecausewomenarehavingbabieslater.Byage65,96%ofpeopleintheUSwillbegrandparents,accordingtoAARP.Andwithlongevityincreasing,anestimated70%of8-year-oldswillhavealivinggreatgrandparentby2030.AlisonBryant,whoheadstheresearchdivisionatAARP,saystoday'scohortofolderpeopleareredefiningaging.Many65-year-oldsarestillintheworkforce.Theystaymoreactive.Andasagroup,theytendtobemoreflexible.“Thisgeneration—andImeanBoomersbutalsogoingdowntoX-ers—they’reprettygoodwithchange,”Bryantsays.“Theyswitchjobsmoreintheirlives.They’vemovedaroundmorethangenerationspast.Theideaof‘Icangothroughphases’ismoreingrainedintheirpersonalitiesandtheirpsyches.”Researchshowsthataftertheeconomicdownturnof2008,manyfamiliesmovedclosertoeachother,eitherforgrandparentstohelptakecareofgrandkids,orfortheyoungergenerationtohelpcarefortheolder.“Wehavemulti-generationalhouseholdswhereGreatGrandmamaystillbealive.So,areyougoingtobecalled‘grandma,’orsomethingelse?”Bryantasks.Only63%ofBoomergrandparentswanttobecalledbytraditionalnameslike“grandma”or“grandmother,”andtherestoptfornamesthat“reflecttheirpersonality,playfulnessorrebelliousspirit,”accordingtotheAARP. Anothergrowingtrendisgrandparentsraisingtheirgrandchildren.Almost7.8millionchildrenunder18liveinmulti-generationalhomes,andmorethan2.5milliongrandparentsaresolelyresponsibleforthem.Expertspointtomultiplecauses,whichincludetheopioidepidemicaswellashighratesofincarceration.Sometimes,parentsarestrugglingwithhousingissuesormentalhealthproblemsandgrandparentsstepin.Rallsandherhusbandhavetwograndchildrenlivingwiththemnow,butsometimestheyhavemore.Herson,shesays,is“sometimesmorefriendthanfather”andthetwomothersofhergrandchildrenhavestruggledwiththeresponsibilityofparenthood.Duringavideochatfromhome,4-year-oldVéRity,oneofRalls’granddaughters,sleepilyclimbedintoherlap.Later,VéRitywouldbesinginginhervirtualpreschoolandRallswoulddonearphonessoshecouldworkremotely.Thesituationwithhergrandchildren'sparentspainsRalls,andsheturnstoherfaithforsustenance.“We’retheoneswhoprovidestructureandconsistency,”shesays.“TherearetimeswhenIhavetogointomyclosetandcry.AndthenIsay,‘Okay,thisisthewayitis.I’llfindthestrengthtohandlethisandkeepgoing.” Grandparenting:It'sGoodforYourHealth!Thegoodnewsisthatgrandparentingisgoodforyourphysical,cognitiveandemotionalhealth.TheAARPcallsgrandkids“theelixiroflife,”andtheirstudydeterminedthatthegreatertheemotionalsupportgrandparentsandgrandchildrenreceivefromoneanother,thebettertheirpsychologicalandphysiologicalhealth.“There’sakindofmagicabouthavingthosemomentswiththesetinyhumanbeingswhoarepartofmeandyettheirownstunningindividuals,”Dr.Rufarosays.Whiletheysometimesstruggletokeepup,today’sgrandmasandgrandpaslovetheirroles.“Therearealotofgrandparentsnowbeingfacedwithstarkrealitiesthataredifferentfromwhattheyhadthoughttheworldwouldlooklike,”Bryant,theAARPresearchersays.“Butintheend,lovetriumphs.” "GoodVibes"cross-stitchpatternbyThreadorDeadClub;"BestGrandmaEver"cross-stitchpatternbyZindagiDesignsand"I'manOld-FashionedLady"cross-stitchpatternbyDirtyLittleStitchUS.PropStylingbyAlexMata. KateStoneLombardi KateStoneLombardiistheauthorofTheMama’sBoyMyth:WhyKeepingOurSonsCloseMakesThemStronger. MoreFrom ParentingTips&Advice TheBest"Dad"JokesforCornyParents 1,000GreatNamesforBabyBoys Advertisement-ContinueReadingBelow The1,000MostPopularBabyGirlNamesRightNow TheseFamiliesAreSayingNotoCars 50FunBabyShowerIdeasforYourNextNewArrival HowtoRaiseCreativeKids TheUltimateBack-to-SchoolSuppliesList 40EasyandCreativeFallCraftsforKids TheAAP'sNewBreastfeedingGuidelinesUnderFire 30SuperSimpleandFunLeafCraftsforKids