Tips for Building a Healthy Relationship - HelpGuide.org

Every relationship is unique, and people come together for many different reasons. Part of what defines a healthy relationship is sharing a common goal for ... HelpGuideusescookiestoimproveyourexperienceandtoanalyzeperformanceandtrafficonourwebsite.PrivacyPolicyAcceptCookiePolicylove&friendshipTipsforBuildingaHealthyRelationshipWanttofeellovedandconnectedtoyourpartner?Thesetipscanhelpyoubuildandkeeparomanticrelationshipthat’shealthy,happy,andsatisfying.BuildingahealthyrelationshipAllromanticrelationshipsgothroughupsanddownsandtheyalltakework,commitment,andawillingnesstoadaptandchangewithyourpartner.Butwhetheryourrelationshipisjuststartingoutoryou’vebeentogetherforyears,therearestepsyoucantaketobuildahealthyrelationship.Evenifyou’veexperiencedalotoffailedrelationshipsinthepastorhavestruggledbeforetorekindlethefiresofromanceinyourcurrentrelationship,youcanfindwaystostayconnected,findfulfillment,andenjoylastinghappiness.Whatmakesahealthyrelationship?Everyrelationshipisunique,andpeoplecometogetherformanydifferentreasons.Partofwhatdefinesahealthyrelationshipissharingacommongoalforexactlywhatyouwanttherelationshiptobeandwhereyouwantittogo.Andthat’ssomethingyou’llonlyknowbytalkingdeeplyandhonestlywithyourpartner.However,therearealsosomecharacteristicsthatmosthealthyrelationshipshaveincommon.Knowingthesebasicprinciplescanhelpkeepyourrelationshipmeaningful,fulfillingandexcitingwhatevergoalsyou’reworkingtowardsorchallengesyou’refacingtogether.Youmaintainameaningfulemotionalconnectionwitheachother.Youeachmaketheotherfeellovedandemotionallyfulfilled.There’sadifferencebetweenbeinglovedandfeelingloved.Whenyoufeelloved,itmakesyoufeelacceptedandvaluedbyyourpartner,likesomeonetrulygetsyou.Somerelationshipsgetstuckinpeacefulcoexistence,butwithoutthepartnerstrulyrelatingtoeachotheremotionally.Whiletheunionmayseemstableonthesurface,alackofongoinginvolvementandemotionalconnectionservesonlytoadddistancebetweentwopeople.You’renotafraidof(respectful)disagreement.Somecouplestalkthingsoutquietly,whileothersmayraisetheirvoicesandpassionatelydisagree.Thekeyinastrongrelationship,though,isnottobefearfulofconflict.Youneedtofeelsafetoexpressthingsthatbotheryouwithoutfearofretaliation,andbeabletoresolveconflictwithouthumiliation,degradation,orinsistingonbeingright.Youkeepoutsiderelationshipsandinterestsalive.Despitetheclaimsofromanticfictionormovies,noonepersoncanmeetallofyourneeds.Infact,expectingtoomuchfromyourpartnercanputunhealthypressureonarelationship.Tostimulateandenrichyourromanticrelationship,it’simportanttosustainyourownidentityoutsideoftherelationship,preserveconnectionswithfamilyandfriends,andmaintainyourhobbiesandinterests.[Read:MakingGoodFriends]Youcommunicateopenlyandhonestly.Goodcommunicationisakeypartofanyrelationship.Whenbothpeopleknowwhattheywantfromtherelationshipandfeelcomfortableexpressingtheirneeds,fears,anddesires,itcanincreasetrustandstrengthenthebondbetweenyou.AffordableOnlineTherapyNearly3MillionpeoplehaveturnedtoBetterHelpforprofessionalonlinetherapy.Takethequizandgetmatchedwithatherapistthatfitsyourneeds.GET20%OFFHelpGuideisreadersupported.WemayreceiveacommissionifyousignupforBetterHelpthroughtheprovidedlink.Learnmore.Needurgenthelp?Clickhere.Fallinginlovevs.stayinginloveFormostpeople,fallinginloveusuallyseemstojusthappen.It’sstayinginlove—orpreservingthat“fallinginlove”experience—thatrequirescommitmentandwork.Givenitsrewards,though,it’swellworththeeffort.Ahealthy,secureromanticrelationshipcanserveasanongoingsourceofsupportandhappinessinyourlife,throughgoodtimesandbad,strengtheningallaspectsofyourwellbeing.Bytakingstepsnowtopreserveorrekindleyourfallinginloveexperience,youcanbuildameaningfulrelationshipthatlasts—evenforalifetime.Manycouplesfocusontheirrelationshiponlywhentherearespecific,unavoidableproblemstoovercome.Oncetheproblemshavebeenresolvedtheyoftenswitchtheirattentionbacktotheircareers,kids,orotherinterests.However,romanticrelationshipsrequireongoingattentionandcommitmentforlovetoflourish.Aslongasthehealthofaromanticrelationshipremainsimportanttoyou,itisgoingtorequireyourattentionandeffort.Andidentifyingandfixingasmallprobleminyourrelationshipnowcanoftenhelppreventitfromgrowingintoamuchlargeronedownroad.Thefollowingtipscanhelpyoutopreservethatfallinginloveexperienceandkeepyourromanticrelationshiphealthy.Tip1:SpendqualitytimefacetofaceYoufallinlovelookingatandlisteningtoeachother.Ifyoucontinuetolookandlisteninthesameattentiveways,youcansustainthefallinginloveexperienceoverthelongterm.Youprobablyhavefondmemoriesofwhenyouwerefirstdatingyourlovedone.Everythingseemednewandexciting,andyoulikelyspenthoursjustchattingtogetherorcomingupwithnew,excitingthingstotry.However,astimegoesby,thedemandsofwork,family,otherobligations,andtheneedweallhavefortimetoourselvescanmakeithardertofindtimetogether.Manycouplesfindthattheface-to-facecontactoftheirearlydatingdaysisgraduallyreplacedbyhurriedtexts,emails,andinstantmessages.Whiledigitalcommunicationisgreatforsomepurposes,itdoesn’tpositivelyimpactyourbrainandnervoussysteminthesamewayasface-to-facecommunication.Sendingatextoravoicemessagetoyourpartnersaying“Iloveyou”isgreat,butifyourarelylookatthemorhavethetimetositdowntogether,they’llstillfeelyoudon’tunderstandorappreciatethem.Andyou’llbecomemoredistancedordisconnectedasacouple.Theemotionalcuesyoubothneedtofeellovedcanonlybeconveyedinperson,sonomatterhowbusylifegets,it’simportanttocarveouttimetospendtogether.Committospendingsomequalitytimetogetheronaregularbasis.Nomatterhowbusyyouare,takeafewminuteseachdaytoputasideyourelectronicdevices,stopthinkingaboutotherthings,andreallyfocusonandconnectwithyourpartner.Findsomethingthatyouenjoydoingtogether,whetheritisasharedhobby,danceclass,dailywalk,orsittingoveracupofcoffeeinthemorning.Trysomethingnewtogether.Doingnewthingstogethercanbeafunwaytoconnectandkeepthingsinteresting.Itcanbeassimpleastryinganewrestaurantorgoingonadaytriptoaplaceyou’veneverbeenbefore.Focusonhavingfuntogether.Couplesareoftenmorefunandplayfulintheearlystagesofarelationship.However,thisplayfulattitudecansometimesbeforgottenaslifechallengesstartgettinginthewayoroldresentmentsstartbuildingup.Keepingasenseofhumorcanactuallyhelpyougetthroughtoughtimes,reducestressandworkthroughissuesmoreeasily.Thinkaboutplayfulwaystosurpriseyourpartner,likebringingflowershomeorunexpectedlybookingatableattheirfavoriterestaurant.Playingwithpetsorsmallchildrencanalsohelpyoureconnectwithyourplayfulside.DothingstogetherthatbenefitothersOnethemostpowerfulwaysofstayingcloseandconnectedistojointlyfocusonsomethingyouandyourpartnervalueoutsideoftherelationship.Volunteeringforacause,project,orcommunityworkthathasmeaningforbothofyoucankeeparelationshipfreshandinteresting.Itcanalsoexposeyoubothtonewpeopleandideas,offerthechancetotacklenewchallengestogether,andprovidefreshwaysofinteractingwitheachother.Aswellashelpingtorelievestress,anxiety,anddepression,doingthingstobenefitothersdeliversimmensepleasure.Humanbeingsarehard-wiredtohelpothers.Themoreyouhelp,thehappieryou’llfeel——asindividualsandasacouple.Tip2:StayconnectedthroughcommunicationGoodcommunicationisafundamentalpartofahealthyrelationship.Whenyouexperienceapositiveemotionalconnectionwithyourpartner,youfeelsafeandhappy.Whenpeoplestopcommunicatingwell,theystoprelatingwell,andtimesofchangeorstresscanreallybringoutthedisconnect.Itmaysoundsimplistic,butaslongasyouarecommunicating,youcanusuallyworkthroughwhateverproblemsyou’refacing.Tellyourpartnerwhatyouneed,don’tmakethemguess.It’snotalwayseasytotalkaboutwhatyouneed.Forone,manyofusdon’tspendenoughtimethinkingaboutwhat’sreallyimportanttousinarelationship.Andevenifyoudoknowwhatyouneed,talkingaboutitcanmakeyoufeelvulnerable,embarrassed,orevenashamed.Butlookatitfromyourpartner’spointofview.Providingcomfortandunderstandingtosomeoneyouloveisapleasure,notaburden.[Read:EffectiveCommunication]Ifyou’veknowneachotherforawhile,youmayassumethatyourpartnerhasaprettygoodideaofwhatyouarethinkingandwhatyouneed.However,yourpartnerisnotamind-reader.Whileyourpartnermayhavesomeidea,itismuchhealthiertoexpressyourneedsdirectlytoavoidanyconfusion.Yourpartnermaysensesomething,butitmightnotbewhatyouneed.What’smore,peoplechange,andwhatyouneededandwantedfiveyearsago,forexample,maybeverydifferentnow.Soinsteadoflettingresentment,misunderstanding,orangergrowwhenyourpartnercontinuallygetsitwrong,getinthehabitoftellingthemexactlywhatyouneed.Takenoteofyourpartner’snonverbalcuesSomuchofourcommunicationistransmittedbywhatwedon’tsay.Nonverbalcues,whichincludeeyecontact,toneofvoice,posture,andgesturessuchasleaningforward,crossingyourarms,ortouchingsomeone’shand,communicatemuchmorethanwords.Whenyoucanpickuponyourpartner’snonverbalcuesor“bodylanguage,”you’llbeabletotellhowtheyreallyfeelandbeabletorespondaccordingly.Forarelationshiptoworkwell,eachpersonhastounderstandtheirownandtheirpartner’snonverbalcues.Yourpartner’sresponsesmaybedifferentfromyours.Forexample,onepersonmightfindahugafterastressfuldayalovingmodeofcommunication—whileanothermightjustwanttotakeawalktogetherorsitandchat.It’salsoimportanttomakesurethatwhatyousaymatchesyourbodylanguage.Ifyousay“I’mfine,”butyouclenchyourteethandlookaway,thenyourbodyisclearlysignalingyouareanythingbut“fine.”Whenyouexperiencepositiveemotionalcuesfromyourpartner,youfeellovedandhappy,andwhenyousendpositiveemotionalcues,yourpartnerfeelsthesame.Whenyoustoptakinganinterestinyourownoryourpartner’semotions,you’lldamagetheconnectionbetweenyouandyourabilitytocommunicatewillsuffer,especiallyduringstressfultimes.BeagoodlistenerWhileagreatdealofemphasisinoursocietyisputontalking,ifyoucanlearntolisteninawaythatmakesanotherpersonfeelvaluedandunderstood,youcanbuildadeeper,strongerconnectionbetweenyou.There’sabigdifferencebetweenlisteninginthiswayandsimplyhearing.Whenyoureallylisten—whenyou’reengagedwithwhat’sbeingsaid—you’llhearthesubtleintonationsinyourpartner’svoicethattellsyouhowthey’rereallyfeelingandtheemotionsthey’retryingtocommunicate.Beingagoodlistenerdoesn’tmeanyouhavetoagreewithyourpartnerorchangeyourmind.Butitwillhelpyoufindcommonpointsofviewthatcanhelpyoutoresolveconflict.ManagestressWhenyou’restressedoremotionallyoverwhelmed,you’remorelikelytomisreadyourromanticpartner,sendconfusingoroff-puttingnonverbalsignals,orlapseintounhealthyknee-jerkpatternsofbehavior.Howoftenhaveyoubeenstressedandflownoffthehandleatyourlovedoneandsaidordonesomethingyoulaterregretted?Ifyoucanlearntoquicklymanagestressandreturntoacalmstate,you’llnotonlyavoidsuchregrets,butyou’llalsohelptoavoidconflictandmisunderstandings——andevenhelptocalmyourpartnerwhentempersbuild.Tip3:KeepphysicalintimacyaliveTouchisafundamentalpartofhumanexistence.Studiesoninfantshaveshowntheimportanceofregular,affectionatecontactforbraindevelopment.Andthebenefitsdon’tendinchildhood.Affectionatecontactbooststhebody’slevelsofoxytocin,ahormonethatinfluencesbondingandattachment.Whilesexisoftenacornerstoneofacommittedrelationship,itshouldn’tbetheonlymethodofphysicalintimacy.Frequent,affectionatetouch—holdinghands,hugging,kissing—isequallyimportant.[Read:BetterSexasYouAge]Ofcourse,it’simportanttobesensitivetowhatyourpartnerlikes.Unwantedtouchingorinappropriateoverturescanmaketheotherpersontenseupandretreat—exactlywhatyoudon’twant.Aswithsomanyotheraspectsofahealthyrelationship,thiscancomedowntohowwellyoucommunicateyourneedsandintentionswithyourpartner.Evenifyouhavepressingworkloadsoryoungchildrentoworryabout,youcanhelptokeepphysicalintimacyalivebycarvingoutsomeregularcoupletime,whetherthat’sintheformofadatenightorsimplyanhourattheendofthedaywhenyoucansitandtalkorholdhands.Tip4:LearntogiveandtakeinyourrelationshipIfyouexpecttogetwhatyouwant100%ofthetimeinarelationship,youaresettingyourselfupfordisappointment.Healthyrelationshipsarebuiltoncompromise.However,ittakesworkoneachperson’sparttomakesurethatthereisareasonableexchange.Recognizewhat’simportanttoyourpartnerKnowingwhatistrulyimportanttoyourpartnercangoalongwaytowardsbuildinggoodwillandanatmosphereofcompromise.Ontheflipside,it’salsoimportantforyourpartnertorecognizeyourwantsandforyoutostatethemclearly.Constantlygivingtoothersattheexpenseofyourownneedswillonlybuildresentmentandanger.Don’tmake“winning”yourgoalIfyouapproachyourpartnerwiththeattitudethatthingshavetobeyourwayorelse,itwillbedifficulttoreachacompromise.Sometimesthisattitudecomesfromnothavingyourneedsmetwhileyounger,oritcouldbeyearsofaccumulatedresentmentintherelationshipreachingaboilingpoint.It’salrighttohavestrongconvictionsaboutsomething,butyourpartnerdeservestobeheardaswell.Berespectfuloftheotherpersonandtheirviewpoint.LearnhowtorespectfullyresolveconflictConflictisinevitableinanyrelationship,buttokeeparelationshipstrong,bothpeopleneedtofeelthey’vebeenheard.Thegoalisnottowinbuttomaintainandstrengthentherelationship.Makesureyouarefightingfair.Keepthefocusontheissueathandandrespecttheotherperson.Don’tstartargumentsoverthingsthatcannotbechanged.Don’tattacksomeonedirectlybutuse“I”statementstocommunicatehowyoufeel.Forexample,insteadofsaying,“Youmakemefeelbad”try“Ifeelbadwhenyoudothat”.Don’tdragoldargumentsintothemix.Ratherthanlookingtopastconflictsorgrudgesandassigningblame,focusonwhatyoucandointhehere-and-nowtosolvetheproblem.Bewillingtoforgive. Resolvingconflictisimpossibleifyou’reunwillingorunabletoforgiveothers.Iftempersflare,takeabreak.Takeafewminutestorelievestressandcalmdownbeforeyousayordosomethingyou’llregret.Alwaysrememberthatyou’rearguingwiththepersonyoulove.Knowwhentoletsomethinggo. Ifyoucan’tcometoanagreement,agreetodisagree.Ittakestwopeopletokeepanargumentgoing.Ifaconflictisgoingnowhere,youcanchoosetodisengageandmoveon.Tip5:BepreparedforupsanddownsIt’simportanttorecognizethatthereareupsanddownsineveryrelationship.Youwon’talwaysbeonthesamepage.Sometimesonepartnermaybestrugglingwithanissuethatstressesthem,suchasthedeathofaclosefamilymember.Otherevents,likejoblossorseverehealthproblems,canaffectbothpartnersandmakeitdifficulttorelatetoeachother.Youmighthavedifferentideasofmanagingfinancesorraisingchildren.Differentpeoplecopewithstressdifferently,andmisunderstandingscanrapidlyturntofrustrationandanger.[Read:SurvivingToughTimesbyBuildingResilience]Don’ttakeoutyourproblemsonyourpartner.Lifestressescanmakeusshorttempered.Ifyouarecopingwithalotofstress,itmightseemeasiertoventwithyourpartner,andevenfeelsafertosnapatthem.Fightinglikethismightinitiallyfeellikearelease,butitslowlypoisonsyourrelationship.Findotherhealthierwaystomanageyourstress,anger,andfrustration.Tryingtoforceasolutioncancauseevenmoreproblems.Everypersonworksthroughproblemsandissuesintheirownway.Rememberthatyou’reateam.Continuingtomoveforwardtogethercangetyouthroughtheroughspots.Lookbacktotheearlystagesofyourrelationship.Sharethemomentsthatbroughtthetwoofyoutogether,examinethepointatwhichyoubegantodriftapart,andresolvehowyoucanworktogethertorekindlethatfallinginloveexperience.Beopentochange.Changeisinevitableinlife,anditwillhappenwhetheryougowithitorfightit.Flexibilityisessentialtoadapttothechangethatisalwaystakingplaceinanyrelationship,anditallowsyoutogrowtogetherthroughboththegoodtimesandthebad.Ifyouneedoutsidehelpforyourrelationship,reachouttogether.Sometimesproblemsinarelationshipcanseemtoocomplexoroverwhelmingforyoutohandleasacouple.Couplestherapyortalkingtogetherwithatrustedfriendorreligiousfigurecanhelp.Authors:LawrenceRobinson,MelindaSmith,M.A.,andJeanneSegal,Ph.D.Lastupdated:January2021GetmorehelpAmIinaHealthyRelationship? –Articleaimedatteenstodetermineifyourrelationshipisashealthyasitshouldbe.(TeensHealth)HelpwithRelationships–Articlesaddressingcommonrelationshipproblems,suchasargumentsandconflict,communication,andinfidelity.(RelateUK)RelatedEffectiveCommunicationConflictResolutionSkillsManagingConflictwithHumorTipstoImproveYourSexLifeAffordableonlinetherapyGet20%offyourfirstmonthoftherapywhenyousignupwithalicensedtherapistfromBetterHelp.GETSTARTEDHelpGuideisreadersupported.WemayreceiveacommissionifyoufollowlinkstoBetterHelp.Learnmore.