How to Have a Better Relationship - Well Guides

Keep reading for the latest in relationship science, fun quizzes and helpful tips to help you build a stronger bond with your partner. Love and Romance. Falling ... LoveandRomanceSexStayingFaithfulConflictMakeItLastAnyQuestions?HowtoHaveaBetterRelationshipByTaraParker-PopeIllustrationsbyMarkConlanShareonFacebookShareonTwitterShareinanemailBookmarkthepageCanyouspotagoodrelationship?Ofcoursenobodyknowswhatreallygoesonbetweenanycouple,butdecadesofscientificresearchintolove,sexandrelationshipshavetaughtusthatanumberofbehaviorscanpredictwhenacoupleisonsolidgroundorheadedfortroubledwaters.Goodrelationshipsdon’thappenovernight.Theytakecommitment,compromise,forgivenessandmostofall—effort.Keepreadingforthelatestinrelationshipscience,funquizzesandhelpfultipstohelpyoubuildastrongerbondwithyourpartner.LoveandRomanceFallinginloveistheeasypart.Thechallengeforcouplesishowtorekindlethefiresofromancefromtimetotimeandcultivatethemature,trustinglovethatisthehallmarkofalastingrelationship. What’sYourLoveStyle?Whenyousay“Iloveyou,”whatdoyoumean?  TerryHatkoff,aCaliforniaStateUniversitysociologist,hascreatedalovescalethatidentifiessixdistincttypesoflovefoundinourclosestrelationships.  Romantic:Basedonpassionandsexualattraction  BestFriends:Fondnessanddeepaffection  Logical:Practicalfeelingsbasedonsharedvalues,financialgoals,religionetc.  Playful:Feelingsevokedbyflirtationorfeelingchallenged Possessive:Jealousyandobsession  Unselfish:Nurturing,kindness,andsacrifice Researchershavefoundthatthelovewefeelinourmostcommittedrelationshipsistypicallyacombinationoftwoorthreedifferentformsoflove.Butoften,twopeopleinthesamerelationshipcanhaveverydifferentversionsofhowtheydefinelove.Dr.Hatkoffgivestheexampleofamanandwomanhavingdinner.Thewaiterflirtswiththewoman,butthehusbanddoesn’tseemtonotice,andtalksaboutchangingtheoilinhercar.Thewifeisupsetherhusbandisn’tjealous.Thehusbandfeelshisextraworkisn’tappreciated. Whatdoesthishavetodowithlove?Themanandwomaneachdefinelovedifferently.Forhim,loveispractical,andisbestshownbysupportivegestureslikecarmaintenance.Forher,loveispossessive,andajealousresponsebyherhusbandmakesherfeelvalued.  Understandingwhatmakesyourpartnerfeellovedcanhelpyounavigateconflictandputromancebackintoyourrelationship.YouandyourpartnercantaketheLoveStylequizfromDr.Hatkoffandfindouthoweachofyoudefineslove.Ifyoulearnyourpartnertendstowardjealousy,makesureyounoticewhensomeoneisflirtingwithhimorher.Ifyourpartnerispracticalinlove,noticethemanysmallwaysheorsheshowslovebytakingcareofeverydayneeds. AssessmentWhatIsYourLoveStyle?What’syourlovestyle?Takethisquiztofindoutwhichstylebestdescribesyourbehaviorinromanticrelationships.Evenbetter:Takeitwithyourpartner.ReigniteRomanceRomanticlovehasbeencalleda“naturaladdiction”becauseitactivatesthebrain’srewardcenter--notablythedopaminepathwaysassociatedwithdrugaddiction,alcoholandgambling.Butthosesamepathwaysarealsoassociatedwithnovelty,energy,focus,learning,motivation,ecstasyandcraving.Nowonderwefeelsoenergizedandmotivatedwhenwefallinlove! Butweallknowthatromantic,passionatelovefadesabitovertime,and(wehope)maturesintoamorecontentedformofcommittedlove.Evenso,manycoupleslongtorekindlethesparksofearlycourtship.Butisitpossible? TherelationshipresearcherArthurAron,apsychologyprofessorwhodirectstheInterpersonalRelationshipsLaboratoryattheStateUniversityofNewYorkatStonyBrook,hasfoundaway.Thesecret?Dosomethingnewanddifferent--andmakesureyoudoittogether.Newexperiencesactivatethebrain’srewardsystem,floodingitwithdopamineandnorepinephrine.Thesearethesamebraincircuitsthatareignitedinearlyromanticlove.Whetheryoutakeapotteryclassorgoonawhite-waterraftingtrip,activatingyourdopaminesystemswhileyouaretogethercanhelpbringbacktheexcitementyoufeltonyourfirstdate.Instudiesofcouples,Dr.Aronhasfoundthatpartnerswhoregularlysharenewexperiencesreportgreaterboostsinmaritalhappinessthanthosewhosimplysharepleasantbutfamiliarexperiences.DiagnoseYourPassionLevelThepsychologyprofessorElaineHatfieldhassuggestedthatthelovewefeelearlyinarelationshipisdifferentthanwhatwefeellater.Earlyon,loveis“passionate,”meaningwehavefeelingsofintenselongingforourmate.Longer-termrelationshipsdevelop“companionatelove,”whichcanbedescribedasadeepaffection,andstrongfeelingsofcommitmentandintimacy.  Wheredoesyourrelationshiplandonthespectrumoflove?ThePassionateLoveScale,developedbyDr.Hatfield,oftheUniversityofHawaii,andSusanSprecher,apsychologyandsociologyprofessoratIllinoisStateUniversity,canhelpyougaugethepassionlevelofyourrelationship.Onceyouseewhereyoustand,youcanstartworkingoninjectingmorepassionintoyourpartnership.Notethatwhilethescaleiswidelyusedbyrelationshipresearcherswhostudylove,thequizisbynomeansthefinalwordonthehealthofyourrelationship.Takeitforfunandletthequestionsinspireyoutotalktoyourpartneraboutpassion.Afterall,youneverknowwheretheconversationmightlead. AssessmentThePassionateLoveQuizThinkofthepersonyoulovemostpassionatelynow,andanswerthequestions.Thequizwilladdupyourscoresandtellyouwhereyoufallonthepassionspectrum.SexFormostcouples,themoresextheyhave,thehappiertherelationship.HowMuchSexAreYouHaving?Let’sstartwiththegoodnews.Committedcouplesreallydohavemoresexthaneveryoneelse.Don’tbelieveit?Whileit’struethatsinglepeoplecanregaleyouwithstoriesofcrazysexualepisodes,rememberthatsinglepeoplealsogothroughlongdryspells.AMarch2017reportfoundthat15percentofmenand27percentofwomenreportedtheyhadn’thadsexinthepastyear.And9percentofmenand18percentofwomensaytheyhaven’thadsexinfiveyears.Themainfactorsassociatedwithasexlesslifeareolderageandnotbeingmarried.Sowhetheryou’rehavingcommittedormarriedsexonceaweek,onceamonthorjustsixtimesayear,thefactisthatthere’sstillsomeoneouttherehavinglesssexthanyou.Andifyou’reoneofthosepeopleNOThavingsex,thiswillcheeryouup:Americanswhoarenothavingsexarejustashappyastheirsexually-activecounterparts.ButWho’sCounting?Eventhoughmostpeoplekeeptheirsexlivesprivate,wedoknowquiteabitaboutpeople'ssexhabits.Thedatacomefromavarietyofsources,includingtheGeneralSocialSurvey,whichcollectsinformationonbehaviorintheUnitedStates,andtheInternationalSocialSurveyProgramme,asimilarstudythatcollectsinternationaldata,andadditionalstudiesfrompeoplewhostudysexlikethefamousKinseyInstitute.Arecenttrendisthatsexualfrequencyisdecliningamongmillennials,likelybecausetheyarelesslikelythanearliergenerationstohavesteadypartners. Basedonthatresearch,here’ssomeofwhatweknowaboutsex: Theaverageadulthassex54timesayear. Theaveragesexualencounterlastsabout30minutes. About5percentofpeoplehavesexatleastthreetimesaweek.  Peopleintheir20shavesexmorethan80timesperyear. Peopleintheir40shavesexabout60timesayear. Sexdropsto20timesperyearbyage65. Aftertheageof25,sexualfrequencydeclines3.2percentannually. Aftercontrollingforageandtimeperiod,thoseborninthe1930shadsexthemostoften;peopleborninthe1990s(millennials)hadsextheleastoften. About20percentofpeople,mostofthemwidows,havebeencelibateforatleastayear. Thetypicalmarriedpersonhassexanaverageof51timesayear. “VeryHappy”coupleshavesex,onaverage,74timesayear.  Marriedpeopleunder30havesexabout112timesayear;singlepeopleunder30havesexabout69timesayear. Marriedpeopleintheir40shavesex69timesayear;singlepeopleintheir40shavesex50timesayear. Activepeoplehavemoresex. Peoplewhodrinkalcoholhave20percentmoresexthanteetotalers. Onaverage,extraeducationisassociatedwithaboutaweek’sworthoflesssexeachyear. EarlyandOftenOneofthebestwaystomakesureyoursexlifestaysrobustinalongrelationshipistohavealotofsexearlyintherelationship.AUniversityofGeorgiastudyofmorethan90,000womenin19countriesinAsia,AfricaandtheAmericasfoundthatthelongeracoupleismarried,thelessoftentheyhavesex,butthatthedeclineappearstoberelativetohowmuchsextheywerehavingwhentheyfirstcoupled.Here’salookatfrequencyofmarriedsexcomparingthefirstyearofmarriagewiththe10thyearofmarriage.Whydoessexdeclineinmarriage?It’sacombinationoffactors—sometimesit’sahealthissue,thepresenceofchildren,boredomorunhappinessintherelationship.Butamajorfactorisage.Onestudyfoundsexualfrequencydeclines3.2percentayearaftertheageof25.Thegoodnewsisthatwhatmarriedcoupleslackinquantitytheymakeupforinquality.DatafromtheNationalHealthandSocialLifeSurveyfoundthatmarriedcoupleshavemorefulfillingsexthansinglepeople.TheNo-SexMarriageWhydosomecouplessizzlewhileothersfizzle?Socialscientistsarestudyingno-sexmarriagesforcluesaboutwhatcangowronginrelationships. It’sestimatedthatabout15percentofmarriedcoupleshavenothadsexwiththeirspouseinthelastsixmonthstooneyear. Somesexlessmarriagesstartedoutwithverylittlesex.Othersinsexlessmarriagessaychildbirthoranaffairledtoaslowingandeventuallystoppingofsex.Peopleinsexlessmarriagesaregenerallylesshappyandmorelikelytohaveconsidereddivorcethanthosewhohaveregularsexwiththeirspouseorcommittedpartner. Ifyouhavealow-sexorno-sexmarriage,themostimportantstepistoseeadoctor.Alowsexdrivecanbetheresultofamedicalissues(lowtestosterone,erectiledysfunction,menopauseordepression)oritcanbeasideeffectofamedicationortreatment.SomescientistsspeculatethatgrowinguseofantidepressantslikeProzacandPaxil,whichcandepressthesexdrive,maybecontributingtoanincreaseinsexlessmarriages. Whilesomecouplesinsexlessmarriagesarehappy,therealityisthatthemoresexacouplehas,thehappiertheyaretogether.It’snoteasytorekindleamarriagethathasgonewithoutsexforyears,butitcanbedone.Ifyoucan’tliveinasexlessmarriagebutyouwanttostaymarried,seeadoctor,seeatherapistandstarttalkingtoyourpartner.  Herearesomeofthestepstherapistsrecommendtogetasexlessmarriagebackinthebedroom: Talktoeachotheraboutyourdesires. Havefuntogetherandsharenewexperiencestoremindyourselfhowyoufellinlove. Holdhands.Touch.Hug. Havesexevenifyoudon’twantto.Manycouplesdiscoverthatiftheyforcethemselvestohavesex,soonitdoesn’tbecomeworkandtheyrememberthattheylikesex.Thebodyrespondswithafloodofbrainchemicalsandotherchangesthatcanhelp. Rememberthatthereisnosetpointfortherightamountofsexinamarriage.Therightamountofsexistheamountthatmakesbothpartnershappy. APrescriptionforaBetterSexLifeIfyoursexlifehaswaned,itcantaketimeandefforttogetitbackontrack.Thebestsolutionisrelativelysimple,butoh-so-difficultformanycouples:Starttalkingaboutsex.  Justdoit:Havesex,evenifyou’renotinthemood.Sextriggershormonalandchemicalresponsesinthebody,andevenifyou’renotinthemood,chancesareyouwillgettherequicklyonceyoustart. Maketimeforsex:Busypartnersoftensaytheyaretoobusyforsex,butinterestingly,reallybusypeopleseemtofindtimetohaveaffairs.Thefactis,sexisgoodforyourrelationship.Makeitapriority. Talk:Askyourpartnerwhatheorshewants.Surprisingly,thisseemstobethebiggestchallengecouplesfacewhenitcomestorebootingtheirsexlives. Thefirsttwosuggestionsareself-explanatory,butlet’stakesometimetoexplorethethirdstep:talkingtoyourpartneraboutsex.Dr.HatfieldoftheUniversityofHawaiiisoneofthepioneersofrelationshipscience.ShedevelopedthePassionateLovescaleweexploredearlierinthisguide.WhenDr.Hatfieldconductedaseriesofinterviewswithmenandwomenabouttheirsexualdesires,shediscoveredthatmenandwomenhavemuchmoreincommonthantheyrealize,theyjusttendnottotalkaboutsexwitheachother.Here’sasimpleexercisebasedonDr.Hatfield’sresearchthatcouldhaveahugeimpactonyoursexlife:  Findtwopiecesofpaperandtwopens.  Now,sitdownwithyourpartnersothateachofyoucanwritedownfivethingsyouwantmoreofduringsexwithyourpartner.Theanswersshouldn’tbedetailedsexacts(althoughthat’sfineifit’simportanttoyou).Ideally,youranswersshouldfocusonbehaviorsyoudesire--beingtalkative,romantic,tender,experimentaloradventurous.  IfyouarelikethecouplesinDr.Hatfield’sresearch,youmaydiscoverthatyouhavefarmoreincommonintermsofsexualdesiresthanyourealize.HerearetheanswersDr.Hatfield’scouplesgave.Let’slookatwhatcoupleshadincommon.Bothpartnerswantedseduction,instructionsandexperimentation.  Themaindifferenceformenandwomeniswheresexualdesirebegins.Menwantedtheirwivestoinitiatesexmoreoftenandbelessinhibitedinthebedroom.Butforwomen,behavioroutsidethebedroomalsomattered.Theywantedtheirpartnertobewarmer,helpfulintheirlives,andtheywantedloveandcomplimentsbothinandoutofthebedroom. MoreonSexinRelationshipsTheLoveIsThere.TheSexIsNot.(Well,OnlyOnceaMonth.)September12,2017BetterSleepforaBetterSexLifeMarch18,2015TheJoyof(JusttheRightAmountof)SexJune25,2015WellGetthebestofWell,withthelatestonhealth,fitnessandnutrition,deliveredtoyourinboxtwiceaweek.YouremailaddressSignUpSeesample|PrivacyPolicy|OptoutorcontactusanytimeStayingFaithfulMenandwomencantrainthemselvestoprotecttheirrelationshipsandraisetheirfeelingsofcommitment.CanYouPredictInfidelity?Inanygivenyearabout10percentofmarriedpeople—12percentofmenand7percentofwomen—saytheyhavehadsexoutsidetheirmarriage.Therelativelylowratesofannualcheatingmaskthefarhigherrateoflifetimecheating.Amongpeopleover60,aboutoneinfourmenandoneinsevenwomenadmittheyhaveevercheated. Anumberofstudiesinbothanimalsandhumanssuggestthattheremaybeageneticcomponenttoinfidelity.Whilesciencemakesacompellingcasethatthereissomegeneticcomponenttocheating,wealsoknowthatgeneticsarenotdestiny.Anduntilthereisarapid-genetesttodeterminetheinfidelityriskofyourpartner,thedebateaboutthegeneticsofinfidelityisn’tparticularlyusefultoanyone. Therearesomepersonalitytraitsknowntobeassociatedwithcheating.AreportinTheArchivesofSexualBehaviorfoundthattwotraitspredictedriskforinfidelityinmen.Menwhoareeasilyaroused(called“propensityforsexualexcitation”)andmenwhoareoverlyconcernedaboutsexualperformancefailurearemorelikelytocheat.Thefindingcomesfromastudyofnearly1,000menandwomen.Inthesample,23percentofmenand19percentofwomenreportedevercheatingonapartner. Forwomen,themainpredictorsofinfidelitywererelationshiphappiness(womenwhoaren’thappyintheirpartnershiparetwiceaslikelytocheat)andbeingsexuallyout-of-syncwiththeirpartner(asituationthatmakeswomenthreetimesaslikelytocheataswomenwhofeelsexuallycompatiblewiththeirpartners).ProtectYourRelationship1.AvoidOpportunity.Inonesurvey,psychologistsattheUniversityofVermontasked349menandwomenincommittedrelationshipsaboutsexualfantasies.Fully98percentofthemenand80percentofthewomenreportedhavingimaginedasexualencounterwithsomeoneotherthantheirpartneratleastonceintheprevioustwomonths.Thelongercouplesweretogether,themorelikelybothpartnersweretoreportsuchfantasies. Butthereisabigdifferencebetweenfantasizingaboutinfidelityandactuallyfollowingthrough.Thestrongestriskfactorforinfidelity,researchershavefound,existsnotinsidethemarriagebutoutside:opportunity. Foryears,menhavetypicallyhadthemostopportunitiestocheatthankstolonghoursattheoffice,businesstravelandcontroloverfamilyfinances.Buttoday,bothmenandwomenspendlatehoursattheofficeandtravelonbusiness.Andevenforwomenwhostayhome,cellphones,e-mailandinstantmessagingappeartobeallowingthemtoformmoreintimaterelationshipsoutsideoftheirmarriages.Asaresult,yourbestchanceatfidelityistolimitopportunitiesthatmightallowyoutostray.Committedmenandwomenavoidsituationsthatcouldleadtobaddecisions--likehotelbarsandlatenightswithcolleagues.  2.PlanAheadforTemptation.Menandwomencandevelopcopingstrategiestostayfaithfultoapartner. AseriesofunusualstudiesledbyJohnLydon,apsychologistatMcGillUniversityinMontreal,lookedathowpeopleinacommittedrelationshipreactinthefaceoftemptation.Inonestudy,highlycommittedmarriedmenandwomenwereaskedtoratetheattractivenessofpeopleoftheoppositesexinaseriesofphotos.Notsurprisingly,theygavethehighestratingstopeoplewhowouldtypicallybeviewedasattractive. Later,theywereshownsimilarpicturesandtoldthatthepersonwasinterestedinmeetingthem.Inthatsituation,participantsconsistentlygavethosepictureslowerscoresthantheyhadthefirsttimearound. Whentheywereattractedtosomeonewhomightthreatentherelationship,theyseemedtoinstinctivelytellthemselves,“He’snotsogreat.”“Themorecommittedyouare,”Dr.Lydonsaid,“thelessattractiveyoufindotherpeoplewhothreatenyourrelationship.” OtherMcGillstudiesconfirmeddifferencesinhowmenandwomenreacttosuchthreats.Inone,attractiveactorsoractresseswerebroughtintoflirtwithstudyparticipantsinawaitingroom.Later,theparticipantswereaskedquestionsabouttheirrelationships,particularlyhowtheywouldrespondtoapartner’sbadbehavior,likebeinglateandforgettingtocall. Menwhohadjustbeenflirtingwerelessforgivingofthehypotheticalbadbehavior,suggestingthattheattractiveactresshadmomentarilychippedawayattheircommitment.Butwomenwhohadbeenflirtingweremorelikelytobeforgivingandtomakeexcusesfortheman,suggestingthattheirearlierflirtinghadtriggeredaprotectiveresponsewhendiscussingtheirrelationship. “Wethinkthemeninthesestudiesmayhavehadcommitment,butthewomenhadthecontingencyplan—theattractivealternativesetsoffthealarmbell,”Dr.Lydonsaid.“Womenimplicitlycodethatasathreat.Mendon’t.” Thestudyalsolookedatwhetherapersoncanbetrainedtoresisttemptation.Theteampromptedmalestudentswhowereincommitteddatingrelationshipstoimaginerunningintoanattractivewomanonaweekendwhentheirgirlfriendswereaway.Someofthemenwerethenaskedtodevelopacontingencyplanbyfillinginthesentence“Whensheapproachesme,Iwill__________toprotectmyrelationship.” Becausetheresearchersethicallycouldnotbringinarealwomantoactasatemptation,theycreatedavirtual-realitygameinwhichtwooutoffourroomsincludedsubliminalimagesofanattractivewoman.Mostofthemenwhohadpracticedresistingtemptationstayedawayfromtheroomswithattractivewomen;butamongmenwhohadnotpracticedresistance,twooutofthreegravitatedtowardthetemptationroom. Ofcourse,it’salabstudy,anddoesn’treallytelluswhatmighthappenintherealworldwitharealwomanormantemptingyoutostrayfromyourrelationship.Butifyouworryyoumightbevulnerabletotemptationonabusinesstrip,practiceresistancebyremindingyourselfthestepsyouwilltaketoavoidtemptationandprotectyourrelationship. 3.PictureYourBeloved.Weallknowthatsometimesthemoreyoutrytoresistsomething--likeicecreamoracigarette--themoreyoucraveit.Relationshipresearcherssaythesameprinciplecaninfluenceapersonwhoseesamanorwomanwhoisinterestedinthem.Themoreyouthinkaboutresistingtheperson,themoretemptingheorshebecomes.Ratherthantellingyourself“Begood.Resist,”thebetterstrategyistostartthinkingaboutthepersonyoulove,howmuchtheymeantoyouandwhattheyaddtoyourlife.Focusonlovingthoughtsandthejoyofyourfamily,notsexualdesireforyourspouse--thegoalhereistodampdownthesexdrive,notwakeitup. 4.KeepYourRelationshipInteresting.Scientistsspeculatethatyourlevelofcommitmentmaydependonhowmuchapartnerenhancesyourlifeandbroadensyourhorizons—aconceptthatDr.Aron,theStonyBrookpsychologyprofessor,calls“self-expansion.” Tomeasurethisquality,couplesareaskedaseriesofquestions:Howmuchdoesyourpartnerprovideasourceofexcitingexperiences?Howmuchhasknowingyourpartnermadeyouabetterperson?Howmuchdoyouseeyourpartnerasawaytoexpandyourowncapabilities? TheStonyBrookresearchersconductedexperimentsusingactivitiesthatstimulatedself-expansion.Somecouplesweregivenmundanetasks,whileotherstookpartinasillyexerciseinwhichtheyweretiedtogetherandaskedtocrawlonmats,pushingafoamcylinderwiththeirheads.Thestudywasriggedsothecouplesfailedthetimelimitonthefirsttwotries,butjustbarelymadeitonthethird,resultinginmuchcelebration. Couplesweregivenrelationshiptestsbeforeandaftertheexperiment.Thosewhohadtakenpartinthechallengingactivitypostedgreaterincreasesinloveandrelationshipsatisfactionthanthosewhohadnotexperiencedvictorytogether.Theresearcherstheorizethatcoupleswhoexplorenewplacesandtrynewthingswilltapintofeelingsofself-expansion,liftingtheirlevelofcommitment.       ConflictEverycouplehasdisagreements,butscienceshowsthathowtwopeoplearguehasabigeffectonboththeirrelationshipsandtheirhealth.HowtoFightManypeopletrytheirbesttoavoidconflict,butrelationshipresearcherssayeveryconflictpresentsanopportunitytoimprovearelationship.Thekeyistolearntofightconstructivelyinawaythatleavesyoufeelingbetteraboutyourpartner. MarriageresearcherJohnGottmanhasbuiltanentirecareeroutofstudyinghowcouplesinteract.Helearnedthateveninalaboratorysetting,couplesarewillingtoairtheirdisagreementsevenwhenscientistsarewatchingandthecamerasarerolling.Fromthatresearch,hedevelopedasystemofcodingwordsandgesturesthathasbeenshowntobehighlypredictiveofacouple’schanceofsuccessorriskfordivorceorbreakup.  Inoneimportantstudy,Dr.Gottmanandhiscolleaguesobservednewlymarriedcouplesinthemidstofanargument.Helearnedthatthetopicdidn’tmatter,nordidthedurationofthefight.Whatwasmostpredictiveofthecouple’smaritalhealth?Theresearchersfoundthatanalyzingjustthefirstthreeminutesofthecouple’sargumentcouldpredicttheirriskfordivorceoverthenextsixyears. Inmanyways,thisisgreatnewsforcouplesbecauseitgivesyouaplacetofocus.Themostimportantmomentsbetweenyouandyourpartnerduringaconflictarethosefirstfewminuteswhenthefightisjustgettingstarted.Focusonyourbehaviorduringthattime,anditlikelywillchangethedynamicsofyourrelationshipforthebetter. Here’ssomegeneraladvicefromtheresearchabouthowtostartafightwiththepersonyoulove: Identifythecomplaint,notthecriticism.Ifyou’reupsetabouthousework,don’tstartthefightbycriticizingyourpartnerwith,“Youneverhelpme.”Focusonthecomplaintandwhatwillmakeitbetter.“It’ssotoughwhenIworklateonThursdaystocomehometodishesandunbathedkids.Doyouthinkyoucouldfindawaytohelpmoreonthosenights?” Avoid“you”phrases.Phraseslike“Youalways”and“Younever”arealmostalwaysfollowedbycriticismandblame.  Thinkaboutpronouns.Sentencethatstartwith“I”or“We”helpyouidentifyproblemsandsolutions,ratherthanputtingblameonsomeoneelse. Beawareofbodylanguage.Noeye-rolling,whichisasignofcontempt.Lookatyourpartnerwhenyouspeak.Nofoldedarmsorcrossedlegstoshowyouareopentotheirfeelingsandinput.Sitorstandatthesamelevelasyourpartner--onepersonshouldnotbelookingdownorlookingupduringanargument. LearntoDe-escalate:Whentheargumentstartsgettingheated,takeituponyourselftocalmthingsdown.Herearesomephrasesthatarealwaysusefulinde-escalation:  “Whatifwe…” “Iknowthisishard…” “Ihearwhatyou’resaying…” “Whatdoyouthink?” Dr.Gottmanremindsusthatfightingwithyourpartnerisnotabadthing.Afterallhisyearsofstudyingconflict,Dr.Gottmanhassaidhe’sastrongbelieveinthepowerofargumenttohelpcouplesimprovetheirrelationship.Infact,airingourdifferencesgivesourrelationship“realstayingpower,”hesays.Youjustneedtomakesureyougetthebeginningrightsothediscussioncanbeconstructiveinsteadofdamaging. WhyCouplesFightAfamousstudyofcardiovascularhealthconductedinFramingham,Mass.,happenedtoaskits4,000participantswhattopicsweremostlikelytocauseconflictintheirrelationship.Womensaidissuesinvolvingchildren,houseworkandmoneycreatedthemostproblemsintheirrelationships.Mensaidtheirargumentswiththeirspouseusuallyfocusedonsex,moneyandleisuretime.Eventhoughthelistswereslightlydifferent,therealityisthatmenandwomenreallycareaboutthesameissues:money,howtheyspendtheirtimeawayfromwork(houseworkorleisure)andbalancingthedemandsoffamilylife(childrenandsex).MoneySometimesmoneyproblemsbecomemarriageproblems. Studiesshowthatmoneyisconsistentlythemostcommonreasonforconflictinarelationship.Coupleswithfinancialproblemsanddebtcreatehavehigherlevelsofstressandarelesshappyintheirrelationship. Whydoesmoneycauseconflict?Fightsaboutmoneyultimatelyarenotreallyaboutfinances.Theyareaboutacouple’svaluesandsharedgoals.Apersonwhooverspendsonrestaurants,travelandfunstuffoftenwantstoliveinthemomentandseeknewadventuresandchange;asaverhopingtobuyahousesomedaymaymostvaluestability,familyandcommunity.Moneyconflictcanbeabarometerforthehealthofyourrelationshipandanindicatorthatthetwoofyouareoutofsynconsomeofyourmostfundamentalvalues. DavidOlson,professoremeritusattheUniversityofMinnesota,studied21,000couplesandidentifiedfivequestionsyoucanasktofindoutifyouarefinanciallycompatiblewithyourpartner. Weagreeonhowtospendmoney. Idon’thaveanyconcernsabouthowmypartnerhandlesmoney. Iamsatisfiedwithourdecisionsaboutsavings. Majordebtsarenotaproblem Makingfinancialdecisionsisnotdifficult. Dr.Olsonfoundthatthehappiestcoupleswerethosewhobothagreedwithatleastfourofthestatements.Healsofoundthatcoupleswhodidnotseeeyetoeyeonthreeormoreofthestatementsweremorelikelytoscorelowonoverallmaritalhappiness.Debttendstobethebiggestculpritinmaritalconflict.Itcanbeanoverwhelmingsourceofworryandstress.Asaresult,coupleswhocanfocusonmoneyproblemsandreducetheirdebtmaydiscoverthattheyhavealsosolvedmostoftheirmaritalproblems. Here’ssomepartingadviceformanagingyourmoneyandyourrelationship: Behonestaboutyourspending:It’ssurprisinglycommonfortwopeopleinarelationshiptolieabouthowtheyspendtheirmoney,usuallybecausetheyknowit’sasorepointfortheirpartner.Researcherscallit“financialinfidelity,”andwhenit’sdiscovered,itrepresentsaseriousbreachoftrustintherelationship.Surveyssuggestsecretspendingoccursinoneoutofthreecommittedrelationships.Shoppingforclothes,spendingmoneyonahobbyandgamblingarethethreemost-citedtypesofsecretspendingthatcausesconflictinarelationship. Maintainsomefinancialindependence:Whiletwopeopleinarelationshipneedtobehonestwitheachotherabouthowtheyspendtheirmoney,it’sagoodideaforbothsidestoagreethateachpersonhashisorherowndiscretionarypotofmoneytospendonwhatevertheywant.Whetherit’saregularmanicure,clothesshopping,agreatbottleofwineorafancynewbike--thepointisthatjustbecauseyouhavedifferentprioritiesasafamilydoesn’tmeanyoucan’toccasionallyfeedyourpersonalindulgences.ThekeyistoagreeontheamountofdiscretionarymoneyyoueachhaveandthenstayquietwhenyourpartnerbuysthenewestiPhonejustbecause. Investintherelationship.Whenyoudohavemoneytospend,spenditontherelationship.Takeatrip,gotodinner,seeashow.Spendingmoneyonnewandsharedexperiencesisagoodinvestmentinyourpartnership.ChildrenOneofthemoreuncomfortablefindingsofrelationshipscienceisthenegativeeffectchildrencanhaveonpreviouslyhappycouples.Despitethepopularnotionthatchildrenbringcouplescloser,severalstudieshaveshownthatrelationshipsatisfactionandhappinesstypicallyplummetwiththearrivalofthefirstbaby. OnestudyfromtheUniversityofNebraskaCollegeofNursinglookedatmaritalhappinessin185menandwomen.Scoresdeclinedstartinginpregnancy,andremainedlowerasthechildrenreached5monthsand24months.Otherstudiesshowthatcoupleswithtwochildrenscoreevenlowerthancoupleswithonechild. Whilehavingachildclearlymakesparentshappy,thefinancialandtimeconstraintscanaddstresstoarelationship.Afterthebirthofachild,coupleshaveonlyaboutone-thirdthetimealonetogetherastheyhadwhentheywerechildless,accordingtoresearchersfromOhioState. Here’sthegoodnews:Aminorityofcoupleswithchildren—about20percent—managetostayhappyintheirrelationshipsdespitethekids.  What’stheirsecret?Topthreepredictorsofahappymarriageamongparents SexualIntimacy Commitment Generosity Sothereyouhaveit.Thesecrettosurvivingparenthoodistohavelotsofsex,befaithfulandbegeneroustowardyourpartner.Inthiscase,generosityisn’tfinancial—it’saboutthesharing,caringandkindgesturesyoumaketowardyourpartnereveryday.Whenyouaretryingtosurvivethechaosofraisingkids,it’sthelittlethings—likebringingyourpartnercoffee,offeringtopickupthedrycleaningordothedishes,thatcanmakeallthedifferenceinthehealthofyourrelationship.MoreonConflictinYourRelationshipHowYouFightWithYourSpouseMayAffectDifferentBodyPartsJune23,2016ThePhonesWeLoveTooMuchMay2,2017RelationshipProblems?TryGettingMoreSleepSeptember5,2017HowtoBuildResilienceinMidlifeJuly26,2017MakeItLastHerearesomesuggestionsforhowtostrengthenyourrelationshipbasedonthefindingsofvariousstudies.StayGenerousAreyougeneroustowardyourpartner?Howoftendoyouexpressaffection?Ordosmallthingsforyourpartnerlikebringthemcoffee?Menandwomenwhoscorethehighestonthegenerosityscalearefarmorelikelytoreport“veryhappy”marriages,accordingtoresearchfromtheUniversityofVirginia’sNationalMarriageProject. AssessmentDoYouHaveaGenerousRelationship?HerearefourquestionsresearchersfromtheUniversityofVirginia’sNationalMarriageProjectusedtomeasuregenerosity,highlevelsofwhicharepredictiveofastrongerrelationship.UseYourRelationshipforPersonalGrowthFindingapartnerwhomakesyourlifemoreinterestingisanimportantfactorinsustainingalongrelationship.  GaryW.LewandowskiJr.,aprofessoratMonmouthUniversityinNewJersey,developedaseriesofquestionsforcouples:Howmuchhasbeingwithyourpartnerresultedinyourlearningnewthings?Howmuchhasknowingyourpartnermadeyouabetterperson? AssessmentDoYouHaveaSustainableMarriage?Takethisquiztomeasurehowmuchyourrelationshipexpandsyourknowledgeandmakesyoufeelgoodaboutyourself.“Peoplehaveafundamentalmotivationtoimprovetheselfandaddtowhotheyareasaperson,”Dr.Lewandowskisays.“Ifyourpartnerishelpingyoubecomeabetterperson,youbecomehappierandmoresatisfiedintherelationship.”BeDecisiveHowthoughtfullycouplesmakedecisionscanhavealastingeffectonthequalityoftheirromanticrelationships.Coupleswhoaredecisivebeforemarriage—intentionallydefiningtheirrelationships,livingtogetherandplanningawedding—appeartohavebettermarriagesthancoupleswhosimplyletinertiacarrythemthroughmajortransitions. “Makingdecisionsandtalkingthingsthroughwithpartnersisimportant,”saidGalenaK.Rhoades,arelationshipresearcherattheUniversityofDenverandco-authorofthereport.“Whenyoumakeanintentionaldecision,youaremorelikelytofollowthroughonthat.” Whilethefindingmayseemobvious,therealityisthatmanycouplesavoidrealdecision-making.Manycoupleslivingtogether,forinstance,didnotsitdownandtalkaboutcohabitation.Oftenonepartnerhadbegunspendingmoretimeattheother’shome,oraleaseexpired,forcingthecoupletoformalizealivingarrangement. Showingintentinsomeform—fromplanningthefirstdate,tolivingtogether,totheweddingandbeyond—canhelpimprovethequalityofamarriageoverall.Tolearnmore,readaboutthesciencebehind“TheDecisiveMarriage.” “Attheindividuallevel,knowwhoyouareandwhatyouareabout,andmakedecisionswhenitcountsratherthanlettingthingsslide,”Dr.Stanleysaid.“Onceyouareacouple,dothesamethingintermsofhowyouapproachmajortransitionsinyourrelationship.”NurtureFriendsandFamilySometimescouplesbecomesofocusedontherelationshipthattheyforgettoinvestintheirrelationshipswithfriendsandfamily.ResearchersNaomiGersteloftheUniversityofMassachusetts,Amherst,andNataliaSarkisianofBostonCollegehavefoundthatmarriedcoupleshavefewertiestorelativesthantheunmarried.Theyarelesslikelytovisit,callorhelpoutfamilymembers,andlesslikelytosocializewithneighborsandfriends. Theproblemwiththistrendisthatitplacesanunreasonableburdenandstrainonthemarriage,saysStephanieCoontz,whoteacheshistoryandfamilystudiesatTheEvergreenStateCollegeinOlympia,Washington.“Weoftenoverloadmarriagebyaskingourpartnertosatisfymoreneedsthananyoneindividualcanpossiblymeet,”writesDr.Coontz.“Andifourmarriagefalters,wehavefewemotionalsupportsystemstofallbackon. Tostrengthenamarriage,consideraskinglessofit,suggestsDr.Coontz.Thatmeansleaningonotherfamilymembersandfriendsforemotionalsupportfromtimetotime.Supportyourpartner’soutsidefriendshipsandenjoytherespitefromthedemandsofmarriagewhenyou’renottogether. SeeaRom-ComItsoundssilly,butresearchsuggeststhatseeingasappyrelationshipmoviemadeinHollywoodcanhelpcouplesworkoutproblemsintherealworld.AUniversityofRochesterstudyfoundthatcoupleswhowatchedandtalkedaboutissuesraisedinmovieslike“SteelMagnolias”and“LoveStory”werelesslikelytodivorceorseparatethancouplesinacontrolgroup.Surprisingly,the“LoveStory”interventionwasaseffectiveatkeepingcouplestogetherastwointensiveformsofmarriagetherapy.  Obviously,talkingaboutamovieisnotgoingtosolvesignificantproblemsinamarriage,butthefindingsdosignaltheimportanceofcommunicationinamarriageandfindingopportunitiestotalkaboutyourdifferences.“Amovieisanonthreateningwaytogettheconversationstarted,”saidRonaldD.Rogge,anassociateprofessorofpsychologyattheUniversityofRochesterandtheleadauthorofthestudy. Thebestmoviestostartconstructivecommunicationarethosethatshowvarioushighsandlowsinarelationship.Additionalmoviesusedinthestudyinclude“CouplesRetreat,”“DateNight,”“LoveandOtherDrugs”and“She’sHavingaBaby.”Avoidmoviesthatidealizerelationshipslike“SleeplessinSeattle”or“WhenHarryMetSally.”  Eventhoughsomeoftherecommendedmoviesarefunnyandnotnecessarilyrealistic,thegoalistosimply“getadialoguegoing,”saidDr.Rogge. “Ibelieveit’sthedepthofthediscussionsthatfolloweachmovieandhowmucheffortandtimeandintrospectioncouplesputintothosediscussionsthatwillpredicthowwelltheydogoingforward,”saidDr.Rogge.MoreonLastingRelationshipsTheHappyMarriageIsthe‘Me’MarriageDecember31,2010The36QuestionsThatLeadtoLoveJanuary9,2015TryThese‘LoveHacks’toFixYourMarriageSeptember18,2017AnyQuestions?Findanswerstoyourrelationshipquestions.HowtoHaveaBetterRelationshipBalancingthehousework,fightingfairlyandsettingyourselfupforsuccess:TaraParker-Popeansweredyourquestionsaboutloveandrelationships.AbouttheAuthorTaraParker-PopeisthefoundingeditorofWell,anaward-winningconsumerhealthsitewithnewsandfeaturestohelpreaderslivewelleveryday.Sheisalsotheauthorof"ForBetter:TheScienceofaGoodMarriage."Twitter:@nytimeswell