15 Signs of a Toxic Relationship - Hey Sigmund

Not all toxic relationships are easy to leave, but being aware of the signs will make it easier to claim back your power and draw a bold heavy line around ... DealingWithDifficultPeople byKarenYoung 2,120,499 VIEWS 15SignsofaToxicRelationship Toxicrelationshipswillcausemonumentalbreakagetopeople,familiesandworkplaces,buttheyaren’tnecessarilytheterritoryoftheweak,downtroddenorinsecure.Strong,healthy,independentpeoplecanfindthemselvesinthewhite-knuckledgripofatoxicrelationship.Similarly,relationshipsthatseemtobeginstrongbecause‘omgwe’resooooinloveyouguys,’candissolveintonothingbutashandlegalfeesthatcouldhaveboughtacastleontheriverSeine,iftheyweren’tbeingusedtodividehalfyourassetsmore‘half-ly’. Relationshipsevolve.Theychangeandtheygrow.Sometimestheycrashandtheyburn.Weneverknowhowthingswilllookwheneachother’slessadorable,kindofawfulhabitsstarttoshowthemselvespublicly,orundertheinfluenceofalcoholorin-laws. Somerelationshipsareallshadesofwrongfromtheoutset(‘Darlin’you’resopretty.You’retheimageofmyex.See?Here’sherphoto.Youcankeepthatone.Ihaveplenty–inmywallet,asmyscreensaver,onmybedsidetable,atmymum’shouse,onmydesk,onmyfridgeandyeah,allovertheplace.SometimesIjust,like,holditinfrontofmeandrunbackwardsandpretendlikeshe’schasingme.Wannagetsometequilababy?’)Somestartoffwithpromiseandwithalltherightingredients,butsomewherealongtheway,therightingredientsgetreplacedwithresentment,jealousy,historyandhurt. Welovelove.Ofcoursewedo.Lovesendsustojoyous,loftyheightsthatweneverwanttocomedownfrom,butthesameheartthatcansend usintoaloved-upeuphoriacantripusup andhaveusfallingintosomethingmoretoxic.Thehotpursuitoflovecanbeblinding.Evenworse,sometimesit’snotuntilyou’retwokidsandamortgageintotherelationship,thatyourealisesomethinghasbeenmissingforawhile,andthatsomethingisyou. Whatisatoxicrelationship? A toxicrelationshipcontaminatesyourself-esteem,yourhappinessandthewayyouseeyourselfandtheworld. Atoxicpersonwillfloatthroughlifewithatrailofbrokenhearts,brokenrelationshipsandbrokenpeoplebehindthem,buttoxicrelationshipsdon’tnecessarilyendupthatwaybecausethepersonyoufellforturnedouttobeatoxicone.Relationshipscanstarthealthy,butbadfeelings,badhistory,orlong-termunmetneedscanfester,pollutingtherelationshipandchangingthepeopleinit. Itcanhappeneasilyandquickly,anditcanhappentothestrongestpeople. CanIfixit? Allrelationshipsareworththefight,untilthey’renot.Inatoxicrelationshiptherewillalwaysbefallout: moodiness,anger,unhappinessbecomethenorm; youavoideachothermoreandmore; workandrelationshipsoutsidethetoxicrelationshipstarttosuffer. Iftherelationshipistoxic,itishighlylikelythatallthefightintheworldwon’tchangeanythingbecauseoneorbothpeoplehaveemotionallymovedon.Perhapstheywereneverreallythereinthefirstplace,ornotinthewayyouneededthemtobeanyway.Evenworse,ifyourrelationshipistoxic,youwillbemoreandmoredamagedbystayinginit. Fightingtoholdontosomethingthatisnotfightingtoholdontoyouwillruinyou.Sometimestheonlythinglefttodoistoletgowithgraceandloveandmoveon. WhatarethesignsthatI’minatoxicrelationship? Beingawarethattherelationshipistoxicisvitalinprotectingyourselffrombreakage.Tostayinatoxicrelationshipistokeepyourhandhoveringovertheself-destructbutton.Notalltoxicrelationshipsareeasytoleave,butbeingawareofthesignswillmakeiteasiertoclaimbackyourpoweranddrawaboldheavylinearoundwhat’sallowedintoyourlifeandwhatgetsclosedout. Toxicbehaviourexistsonaspectrum.Allpeopleandallrelationshipsdosomeofthesethingssomeofthetime–butthatdoesn’tmakethemtoxic.Atoxicrelationshipisdefinedbytheconsistency,theintensityandthedamage.Herearesomeofthesigns. Itfeelsbad.Allthetime. Youfallasleephollowandyouwakeupjustasbad.Youlookatothercouplesdoingtheirhappycouplethingandyoufeelthesting.Whycouldn’tthatsortoflovehappenforyou?Itcan,butfirstyouhavetoclearthepathforittofindyou.Leavingarelationshipisnevereasy,butstayingfortoolonginatoxicrelationshipwillmakesureanystrength,courageandconfidenceinyouareerodeddowntonothing.Oncethathappens,you’restuck. You’reconstantlybracedforthe‘gotcha’. Sometimesyoucanseeitcoming.Sometimesyouwouldn’tseeitifitwaslitwithstadiumfloodlights.Questionsbecometraps.(‘Wellwouldyourathergooutwithyourfriendsorstayhomewithme?’)Statementsbecometraps.(‘Youseemedtoenjoytalkingtoyourbosstonight.’)Therelationshipisajungleandsomewherealongthewayyou’veturnedintoahuntedthinginaskinsuit.Whenthe‘gotcha’comes,there’snoforgiveness,justthegloryofcatchingyouout.It’simpossibletomoveforwardfromthis.Everyonemakesmistakes,butyoursareusedasproofthatyou’retoouninvested,toowrong,toostupid,toosomething.Theonlythingyoureallyareistoogoodtobetreatedlikethis. Youavoidsayingwhatyouneedbecausethere’sjustnopoint. Weallhaveimportantneedsinrelationships.Someofthebigonesareconnection,validation,appreciation,love,sex,affection.Whenthoseneedsaremockedorignored,theemptinessofthatunmetneedwillclamourlikeanoldchurchbell.Ifyourattemptstotalkaboutwhatyouneedendinafight,a(nother)emptypromise,accusationsofneediness,insecurity,jealousyormadnessyou’lleitherburytheneedorresentthatitkeepsbeingoverlooked.Eitherway,it’stoxic. There’snoeffort. Standingonadancefloordoesn’tmakeyouadancer,andbeingphysicallypresentinarelationshipdoesn’tmeanthereisaninvestmentbeingmadeinthatrelationship.Doingthingsseparatelysometimesishealthy,butaswithallhealthythings,toomuchistoomuch.Whenthereisnoefforttoloveyou,spendtimewithyou,sharethethingsthatareimportanttoyou,therelationshipstopsgivingandstartstakingtoomuch.Therecomesapointthattheonlywaytorespondto‘WellI’mhere,aren’tI?’is,‘Yeah.Butmaybebetterifyouweren’t.’ Allthework,love,compromisecomesfromyou. Nobodycanholdarelationshiptogetherwhentheyaretheonlyonedoingthework.It’slonelyandit’sexhausting.Ifyou’renotabletoleavetherelationship,givewhatyouneedtogivebutdon’tgiveanymorethanthat.Letgoofthefantasythatyoucanmakethingsbetterifyoutryhardenough,workhardenough,sayenough,doenough.Stop.Juststop.You’reenough.Youalwayshavebeen. When‘no’isadirtyword. ‘No’isanimportantwordinanyrelationship.Don’tstrikeitfromyourvocabulary,eveninthenameoflove–especiallynotinthenameoflove.Healthyrelationshipsneedcompromisebuttheyalsorespecttheneedsandwantsofbothpeople.Communicatingwhatyouwantisasimportantforyouandtherelationshipascommunicatingwhatyoudon’twant.Findyour‘no’,giveitapolish,andknowwherethereleasebuttonis.Alovingpartnerwillrespectthatyou’renotgoingtoagreewitheverythingtheysayordo.Ifyou’reonlyacceptedwhenyou’resaying‘yes’,it’sprobablytimetosay‘no’totherelationship.Andifyou’reworriedaboutthegapyou’releaving,buyyoursoon-to-beexsomeputty.Problemsolved. Thescorecard.Letmeshowyouhowwrongyouare. Oneofthegloriousthingsaboutbeinghumanisthatmakingmistakesisallpartofwhatwedo.It’showwelearn,howwegrow,andhowwefindoutthepeoplewhodon’tdeserveus.Eventhemostloving,committedpartnerswilldohurtful,stupidthingssometimes.Whenthosethingsarebroughtupoverandover,itwillslowlykilleventhehealthiestrelationshipandkeepthe‘guilty’personsmall.Atsomepoint,therehastobeadecisiontomoveonormoveout.Havingshotscontinuallyfiredatyoubasedonhistoryisawaytocontrol,shameandmanipulate.Healthyrelationshipsnurtureyourstrengths.Toxiconesfocusonyourweaknesses. There’sabattle–andyou’reonyourown.Again. Youandyourpartnerareateam.Youneedtoknowthatwhateverhappens,youhaveeachother’sbacks,atleastpublicly.Inhealthyrelationships,whentheworldstartsthrowingstones,thecouplecomestogetherandfortifiesthewallaroundeachother.Toxicrelationshipsoftenseeonepersongoingitalonewhenitcomestopublicput-downs.Similarly,whenattemptsaremadefromoutsidetherelationshiptodivideandconquer,thecoupleisdividedandconqueredaseasilyasiftheywerenevertogetherinthefirstplace. Physicalorverbalabuse.Orboth. Thesearedeal-breakers.Youknowtheyare. Toomuchpassive-aggressive. Passive-aggressivebehaviourisanindirectattackandacowardlymoveforcontrol.Thetoxicityliesinstealingyourcapacitytorespondandforissuestobedealtwithdirectly.Theattackissubtleandoftendisguisedassomethingelse,suchasangerdisguisedasindifference‘whatever’or‘I’mfine’;manipulationdisguisedaspermission‘I’lljuststayathomebymyselfwhileyougooutandhavefun,’andtheworst–avillaindisguisedasahero,‘Youseemreallytiredbaby.Wedon’thavetogoouttonight.YoujuststayinandcookyourselfsomedinnerandI’llhaveafewdrinkswithSvetlanabymyselfhey?She’sbeenamesssincethecruisewaspostponed.’Youknowtheactionorthebehaviourwasdesignedtomanipulateyouorhurtyou,becauseyoucanfeelthescrape,butit’snotobviousenoughtorespondtotherealissue.Ifit’sworthgettingupsetabout,it’sworthtalkingabout,butpassive-aggressivebehaviourshutsdownanypossibilityofthis. Nothinggetsresolved. Everyrelationshipwillhaveitsissues.Inatoxicrelationship, nothinggetsworkedthroughbecauseanyconflictendsinanargument.Thereisnotrustthattheotherpersonwillhavethecapacitytodealwiththeissueinawaythatissafeandpreservestheconnection.Whenthishappens,needsgetburied,andinarelationship,unmetneedswillalwaysfeedresentment. Whateveryou’regoingthrough,I’mgoingthroughworse. Inahealthyrelationship,bothpeopleneedtheirturnatbeingthesupportedandthesupporter.Inatoxicrelationship,evenifyou’retheoneinneedofsupport,thefocuswillalwaysbeontheotherperson.‘BabelikeIknowyou’rereallysickandcan’tgetoutofbedbutit’ssoooostressfulformebecausenowIhavetogotothepartybymyself.NextSaturdayIgettochoosewhatwedo.K?[sademoji,balloonemoji,heartemoji,anotherheartemoji,lipsemoji].’ Privacy?Whatprivacy? Unlessyou’vedonesomethingtoyourpartnerthatyoushouldn’thave,like,youknow,forgotyouhadoneon‘SinglesSaturday’,thenyoudeservetobetrusted.Everybodydeservessomelevelofprivacyandhealthyrelationshipscantrustthatthiswon’tbemisused.Ifyourpartnerconstantlygoesthroughyourreceipts,phonebills,textmessagesthisshowsatoxiclevelofcontrol.It’sdemeaning.You’reanadultanddon’tneedconstantsupervision. Thelies.Ohthelies! Lyingandcheatingwilldissolvetrustasifitwasnevertheretobeginwith.Oncetrustissofargone,it’shardtogetitback.Itmightcomebackinmomentsordays,butit’slikelythatitwillalwaysfeelfragile–justwaitingforthewrongmove.Arelationshipwithouttrustcanturnstrong,healthypeopleintosomethingtheyaren’tnaturally–insecure,jealousandsuspicious.Thetoxicityofthisliesintheslowerosionofconfidence.Sometimesallthefightintheworldcan’trepairtrustwhenit’sbadlybroken. Knowwhenenoughisenough.It’snotyourfaultthatthetrustwasbroken,butit’suptoyoutomakesurethatyou’renotbrokennext. Bigdecisionsareforimportantpeople.Andclearly,you’renotoneofthem. Ifyou’resharingyourlifewithsomeone,it’scriticalthatyouhaveasayinthedecisionsthatwillaffectyou.Yourpartner’sopinionsandfeelingswillalwaysbeimportant,andsoareyours.Yourvoiceisanimportantone.Alovingpartnerinthecontextofahealthyrelationshipwillvalueyourthoughtsandopinions,notpretendthattheydon’texistorassumetheirsaremoreimportant. IthinkImightbeinatoxicrelationship.Whatnow? Ifit’stoxic,it’schangingyouandit’stimetoleaveorputupaverybigwall.(Seehereforhow.) Beclearaboutwheretherelationshipstartsandwhereyoubegin.Keepyourdistanceemotionallyandthinkofitassomethingtobemanaged,ratherthansomethingtobebeatenorunderstood. Lookforthepatternsandlookforthetriggers.Then,bemindfulaboutwhatisokayandwhatisn’t.Aboveallelse,knowthatyouarestrong,completeandvital.Don’tbuyintoanytiny-hearted,close-mindedpushthatwouldhaveyoubelieveotherwise.You’reamazing. Andfinally… Thereareplentyofreasonsyoumightendupinatoxicrelationship,noneofwhichhavenothingtodowith strength ofcharacterorcourage. Sometimesthetoxicitygrowsandblindsidesyouandbythetimeyourealise,it’stoolate–thecostofleavingmightfeeltoohighortheremaybelimitedoptions. Toxicityinanyrelationshipdoesn’tmakesense.Inanattempttomakeitmakesense,youmightblamehistory,circumstanceoryourownbehaviour.Thetruthisthatnoneofthismatters.Itdoesn’tmatterwherethetoxicitycomesfromorthereasonforitbeingthere. Loveandhappinessdon’talwaysgotogether.Theworldwouldrunsomuchsmootheriftheydid,butitjustdoesn’thappenlikethat.Lovecanbeadirtylittleliarsometimes.Socancommitment.Stayinginarelationshipshouldneverhavelosingyourselfasoneoftheconditions.You’refartooimportantforthat. It’simportanttomakesacrificesinrelationshipsbutyourhappiness,self-esteemandself-respectshouldalwaysbeonthelist–always.Ifarelationshipisbuiltonlove,itnurtures,restores,replenishesandrevives.Itdoesn’tdiminish.Itisn’tcruelanditdoesn’teverviolateawarm,openheart.Everythingyouneedtobehappyisinyou.Whenyouarewithsomeonewhosuffocatesthosepreciouspartsofyou,bealivetothedamagetheyaredoing.Youowethemnothing,youoweyourselfeverything.Youdeservetothriveandtofeelsafe,andyoudeservetobe happy. [irpposts=”1602″name=”WhenIt’sNotYou,It’sThem:TheToxicPeopleThatRuinFriendships,Families,Relationships”] 290Comments Webothconfessedthatwelikeeachother…butnothingishappeningafterthat.Itslikeweareinarelationshipbutthereisnothinggoingon.Wejustcasuallytalkandthat’sit.Ithasjustputmeinareallyawkwardsituation.Idon’tknowwhat’sgoingon. Reply Aminatoxicrelationship😭😭😭😭 Mypartnerisalwaysabusingmeverballyandalwayswantstobeincontrol..amtiredoftherelationshipbutIcan’tgoaway..myheartaches,thisisnotwhatIbargainedfor Reply Iunderstandwhatyouaregoingthrough.ItsucksandIamsorry.Leavingisaprocess.Thefirstthing,afteryourealizeit’stoxic(whichyoualreadyhave)ittolosehope.Losehopeintherelationshipandlosehopeinhimandthathecouldeverchange. Youhavetoassumethatthefuturewillbeexactlythesameasthingsarenow.Youhavetoknowthatyoudon’twanttolivelikethat. Thenstartmakingaplan.Knowthatyouaren’tgoingbackafterthenextfightorplanadaytomoveyourstuffwhileheisatworketc. Haveyourboundariesestablishedinyourheadbeforethe“it’sover”conversationstarts.Knowthatifhestartshisabusivetacticsyouwillbeendingtheconversation.Whenhestartsblamingyouforeverythingandcallingyounamestellhimtheconversationisoverandendtheconversation,nevertotalkofitagain.Youaredone.Period… Bedonewithnochanceofgoingbackbeforeyoutalktohimaboutit,otherwisehecouldlureyoubackin. Reply Ialwayshadagoodself-esteem,knowingnottobeperfectIhadconfidenceinmyselfandmybody.Atthebeginningoftherelationshipwithmyexshetoldmedetailsaboutherexsexualpartnersandtheirperformancesinbed,itmademefeelbadandduringthe3yearsoftherelationshipIdidnotforgetwhatshetoldmewithoutmyasking.IntheendweendedupbecauseIfoundoutshewashidingmessagesfromanotherguy.Ididn’teventhinktwice,iknewihadtogetoutofthatrelatioship…Still,Ilikedherandsoitcostsme,butIknewthathertoxicitywouldbetheendofme. Reply Ijustwanttorunawayandstartover.Itstartedoutperfect,butslowlyaftermarriagethingsstartedtochange.Firstthelies,thenthelackofsexdriveonhispart,thentheaccusationsandlackoftrustonhispartfornoreasonandnowadd#15treatingmelikemyoptionsorthoughtsarenotasimportantbecausehemakesmoremoneyandheistheman.Severalyearsintothisrelationshipandwithnowheretogo,Ijustwanttorunawayandstartover.Iworkhard,amloyal,educatedandagoodcatch–whydidn’tIseethatthiswaswhatwouldcome.🥲 Reply WhenIfirstmetmynowwife,shewantedtomovethingsquickly.Iwaslonely,soIwentwithit.Iturnedintoa“yesman”justtohavesomeonewithme,butIdidn’tevenrealiseit.Ididn’tevenseethemanipulationuntilitwasalltoolate. Wehavethreekidstogether,butafterthethirdshechangedalot.Shebegantreatingmelikeabadhousemate,ratherthanahusband,friend,orfather.EverythingIdidwaswrong,andsheonlyeverwantedmyopiniononthings,sothatshecouldchooseanoptionIdidn’torwouldn’trecommend.Ifoundoutshehadbeencheatingonmefor5yearswhilstIwasworking.Ifoundoutlastyear,andhavehadtospendthepastyearstilllivingwithherduetooverlycomplicatedcircumstances(livingabroadandvisasdon’tmixwellwithtoxicmarriagesandchildcustody).Icanleavesoon,andIvownevertobeayesmantosomeoneeveragain. Iwouldneverwishawaymykids,butIshouldhaveseenthisallbeforewegotmarried–perhapsthingscouldhaveturnedoutdifferentlyifIputmyfootdownsometimes.Ialwayshearpeoplesayingyoucan’tchangesomeone,butIchangedsomuchforher,andIwonderifshewouldhavechangedifIwasmoreassertiveintherelationship. Reply MynowexandIweredatingfor6monthshaveknowneachotherfor7months,backstorywhenwefirststarteddatingIfoundouthewassinglefor7yearsandIhadjustgottenoutofarelationshipthatMarchandstartedtalkingtohimJuneofthatsameyear,haven’tbeensinglesince2012.Wellwhenwefirststartedtalkingandgoingondatestwiceaweekormoreandweseeneachotheratwork(workedatthesameplacesameshift)thingswereamazingbutmovedfastandsaidIloveyouafteraweekandthenbrokeupbecauseofrumorsandpeoplesayingthingsaboutmeandhemadethecommentthingswerefineinmylifebeforeyounowthereisproblemsbuthecametomelike3-4dayslaterandpulledmeasideonedayatworkandsaidhedidn’tmeanthosethingsjustdidn’tknowwhereeverythingwascomingfromandIwastheonlynewthinginhislifeandthathewantedtostarttalkingagainandseewhereitgoesandwedidandgotbacktogetherandImovedinwithhimallwithin2weeksafterthishappeningandwespenteveryminutetogetherbecauseweworkedthesameshiftatworksoseeneachotheronbreaksandwhenwegothomeandsleptatthesametimesowehadnotimetoourselveswhichhasbeenanissuesincedayonewellthenacouplemonthslaterIgotmovedtohisdepartmentsoweliterallynonstopseeneachothereverysecondandwestartedfightingbadlyandhadjustmovedintoourplaceandIstartedthinkinghewantedtogetbackwithhiskidsmomandstartedfightsbecauseIwouldthinkthiswouldhappenandhewouldn’ttellmebecausethat’swhathappenedinmypastrelationshipsandwellIgotdiagnosedwithptsdandgeneralizedanxietyanddepressionfrommychildhoodhadsomethinghappentomeat12yearsoldandthenmykidsdadandIweretogetherfor6.5yearsandhecheated4.5ofthoseyearsandkepttellingmeitwasbecauseIwouldn’tgiveitupallthetimeandtriedtojustifyhischeatingandhegotphysicalwithmeonceandwecaughteverydayallthetimemyfeelingsdidn’tmatterandifIbraughtupsomethingIdidn’tlikehediditwasbecauseofmeorsomethingIdideverytimehecouldn’tholdhimselfcountableforhisactionsandsoitgottakenoutonmylastboyfriendandwebrokeupafewdaysago.ButhesaidhestilllovesmeandthinksifIcangetmyptsdandgeneralizedanxietyanddepressiontakencareofwecouldworkoutbutrightnowwecan’t.WhatshouldIdo?Hestuckaroundandtriedfor7monthsbutnothinghelped.HesaidIloveyouandcareaboutyoubutwejustcan’tbetogetherrightnowbutwhenIalsoaskifwehaveanotherchanceofbeingtogetheragainandI’mnotjustgettingmyhopesuphesaidthat’soutofthequestionanddoesn’twantmetoask,soIaskifhemeansitifhesayshelovesmeandhesaysyeshestilldoesandhedoesn’thavefeelingsforsomeoneelseeitheranddoesn’twanttolookortalktoanyotherwomaneither. Reply Heythere..MytoxicexkeepsmakingaccountstostalkmeandtalktomeandkeepsmessingwithmeandmyemotionsandkeepstrashingmyfriendsandIamscaredanddon’tknowwhattodobecauseoneofhisfriendssaidhewasgoingtodosomethingreallybadinafewmonthsandheknowswhereIlive..whatdoIdo?shouldIgetpoliceinvolved? Reply Icoսldnotresistcommenting.Perfectlyԝritten! Feelfreetߋvisitmʏblogpost…giftsonline, Anne, Reply mydadbigmean.heinsultedme,calledmeanoldmanandthencalledmeapig.andthenhetoldmetolookinthemirrortoseehowsrupidlook.andthenwhenisiadno,hetriedtosmashmyphone.hesmashedittwiceonthegroundandthenthescreenprotectorcameoff.andthenmymomcameandsiaditwaswrong.andthenmydadstartedfightingwithmymomandinsultingusandyellingatus.andnowhesiadthatweneedtowakeupat5inthemorningtoworkoutforanhourandtheneat.:((((((( ihavenoideawhattodo Reply Umheysomeandmybfhadbrokenuplastnightafter6monthsbecauseheaccusedmeofcheatingwhichiclearlydidntcheatijusttextedoneofmyoldfriendstoseehowtheyvebeensoIwouldwanttoknowwhaticandointhiscasebecauseireallydowantafuturewithhimandialsowanttoclearthingsupsoidontknowwhattodo Reply Hi,Idon’tusuallydothisbutI’mstartingtogetconcernedandscaredofmypartner.Let’sstartfromthebegining,about3monthsagoIwentforajobinterviewandthebossinterviewedmeandhecameoffasveryflirty,thenmeandhimacouplehoursaftertheinterviewwentbacktohisandhecookedmedinner,IknowitsoundscornybutIbelieveditwasloveatfirstsightformanyreasons.Buteverythingwasgoinggood,untilaweekintotherelationship,ifoundouthe’s24not20ashetoldme.Thatwasonebarrierthatheliedtome,thenaboutonthe2monthintotherelationshiphesaid“yourminenow,youdowhatIsaywhenIsay,youleavewhenIsayandwegowhenIsay…”AndatfirstIwasveryconcernedasI’monly19yearsoldandhe’s24??Somepeoplewillsayitsoundsbad,butthat’sthereopinion.Butthenassoonaswehit3monthsyesturdayhesaidtome“youwilllistentome”andIsaid“andwhatIfIdon’t”andhesaid“thenIwillbebeatyouup”Iaskedhimrepeatinglyifhewasserious,andhewasdeadhandonheartserious..nolaughternothing..heactedlikebeatinghisgirlfriendwasnormal,he’sneverabusedmeoranythingbuthegetsmadatsmallthings.LikeifIshakemyhead,heshoutsatmesaying“Idon’tyounottodothat,listentome”andIamscaredthatonedayhewillactuallyhitme,Ifeellikeit’satickingtimebomb,andyouallwillsaywhydon’tyouleave,butit’snotthatsimple..I’mcarryinghischildaswespeak,I’m2monthspregnant..andhedoesn’tknow.I’mscaredtotellhim….He’saTurkishman,hebelievesindifferentthings,allthetimeweareconstantlylovingandlaughingaroundwitheachother,sexlifeisgood..loveisgood…It’sjusthegetsaggressivefornoreason,Icanseeit’sturningintoatoxicrelationship.Anyadviceplease.Thankyou Reply Idon’tknowifitsmeorhim.Hesaysthingslikethistome:youletlittlethingsgetyouallhungup.whyareyousodramatic…Heusedtocallmenames..Wellabout3weeksagohecalledmeaLush.IamsureIplayapartinallthis.IhadanabusivefatherandIknowIcangettriggeredeasily.IhavebeentoldallmylifeIamtoosensitive.I’veseentherapistsandIamatherapist.Ihaveworkedreallyhardtoclearallthisoldstuffout.Ijustrepeatthescenariosoverandoverinmyheadthatitissoconfusing.ThenIgetdepressedandlonely. Reply Iaminthesamesituationcurrently Reply SamesisI’minthesamepositionasyourightnowandneedingadvice. Reply Iamatherapistaswell.Iamactuallyabisexualmalemarriedtoaman.Wehaveanadoptedchild,andafosterinfant.Therelationshiphasbeentoxicforawhile,andwehavebeenworkingthroughitbecauseinsomeoddwayhegroundsme,ormaybejustsuckstheenergyfromme.Iwanttoliterallynotmoveforhispromotionanddivorce;ItrytotellhimIdon’tthinkthebabyisinourbestinterestrightnowbecauseIamtryingtofurthermycareerandeducation;oursonhasmajortraumaandbehavioralissuesandtheonlyreasonwehavethebabyisbecausehethinksweneedafullfamilyrightnowandcan’twait.GaslightingisliterallywhatI’vegonethroughforthepast6years.Ineedout.IhavenomoneybecauseIhavehadmoremedicalandmentalhealthissuesinthepastyearthanI’vehadinmywholelife,andIhaveoneofthehighestACESscoresofothertherapistsIknow.Therearealloftheseresourcesandresearchforwomeninemotionallyabusiverelationships,yetminimaltononeformeninSouthernstateswithintheLGBTQcommunity.Igetwhatyouaregoingthroughforsure. Reply Ireallydon’thaveanyonetotalkto.I’mhopingmaybesomeonecanseethissoonandhavesomeencouragingwordsforme,tosayI’vegotthis–becauseIaminseriousneedofit. I’vebeenwithmyboyfriendonandofffor4years,hedidalotofdamagetome.Itwasonlyoffeverbecausehe’dleavemeforhisbaby’smamaandtellmehowmuchhedoesn’twantme,can’tstandme,justwantsmetogoawayandleavehimalone. Unfortunately,Iwasheadoverheelsinloveandwasn’treadytogiveup.Istuckitoutandfoughtfor“us”.Severelyoutofcharacterformyself.I’mverymuchaflightyperson,thefirstsignofmajorredflagsandI’mgonesofast. Whenthingswereon,itwasSOgood.That’swhatkeptmehangingon,Ithink.Ihadthiscrazyideainmyheadthatwecouldmakeitthrougheveryroughpatchandeventuallybe“ok”.Livehappilyeverafter. Thebaby’smamahasbeengoneforoverayearbutIrecentlyfoundouthehadbeentryingtogettheirfamilybacktogether,again. IthasbeensodishearteningbecauseIthoughtwereallyhadittogetherfinally.Hewaslovingme,spoilingme,dotingonme.EverythingI’deverwanted–finallyafter4yearsofhell.Hewaseventellingpeoplethathe’sgoingtoaskmetomarryhim.Whichwasashocksincehe’dbeentellingmeforyearshe’dnevermarryme,whichwasalsoveryhardtogothrough. Everyonceinawhile,somethingremindsmeofthepast–itreallydoeshauntme.Iadmit,I’mthetoxiconewhenitcomestotheforgivingforgettingandmovingon.Idon’tthinkI’mcapableofitanymorehonestly.Ipickfightswhensomethingisbotheringmeaboutit.IthinkI’vebeenconditionedovertheyearsthatIhavetobeangrytobeabletospeakmymind. Tonight,Itookanewapproachandbroughtupwhatwasbotheringmepointblank.Inthegrandschemeofthings,it’saverynonissuebutithasamajorissuethatfestersbelowit. Foralongwhile,hehadaninternetromancewithagirlalmosttwoyearsago.ItwasprettyprogressedbythetimeIcaughtontoit.Igotafakeprofileontohersocialmediaandletmetellyou–itwasdevastating. EverythingIwantedhimtobe–shehad. Hewaslovingallofherpics,givinghersweetnothings,promisinghereverythingheknewIwantedfromhim. Fastforwardtotodayandembarrassingly–Istillcheckhersocialmediafromtimetotime.Mostlywaitingforkarmatocatchuptoher.WhenItoldherthatheisinfactNOTsingleandlivingwithme,shereallydidtellmeI’mhiscrazyexandobsessedwithhimandkeptondoingherthingwithhim. Todayidcheckedonit,Ihadn’tinalongtimeandIhappenedtocatchaphrasethatwasfamiliarwithinhercommentsonapost. Oneofherfriendshadquotedoneofhiscomplimentstoherandtheywerebothmakingfunofhim,callinghimthirstyandhavingagoodlaughathisexpense. Remember,thiswasclosetotwoyearsagoandhisstintwithherhadthatbigofanaffectonher.Icouldn’thelpbutthink“IwishhewouldsaythoseincrediblethingstomesoIcouldrememberthemforforever,too.” Idecidedtobringituptohim.TolethimknowIwouldlovethatsametreatment.ExceptIwouldn’tmakefunofhimyearslater,insteadIwouldstillbecherishingit.Itoldhimthatifhe’dlayitonthicklikethatforme–Icouldhealmyself.I’dbesohappy.InsteadI’mwishingthattheloveofmylifewouldgivemethesametypeofromancehe’sgiveneveryonebutme. Ithoughthe’dhearmeoutandlistenandwanttofixthat.Iwasdeadwrong. Insteadhehitmewithabarrageofinsults–I’mjealous,insecure,needy,shelfish,manipulative,etc.–granteditprobablywasn’ttheRIGHTtimetobringitup(hehascourttomorrowforthreateninghisbaby’smama–wholedifferentlongstory)andhemadesuretoletmeknowwhatanawfulpersonIamforthat.ButIreallycan’tholdthingsinotherwiseIdogocrazy(I’mananxietyriddenoverthinker). MaybeIamthosethings,whoknows–buthereallydiddumpmeinsteadofwantingtoupliftmeandIdon’tknowwhethertolaughorcry. I’mreallyampastthepointofthebottomoftheerosionofmyselfesteemandconfidencewhichisprobablywhyI’mbeingtoxicaswell. IjusthurtandIcan’tstopbleedingallovereverythingallofthetime.Iwanttoleavesobadly.Ifeelreliefwhenwe’re“nottogether”butIalsofeellikeIcan’tbreathewhenwe’re“nottogether”.ThisreallyistheworstplaceI’veeverbeenmentallyoremotionally. IjustneedforsomeonetotellmeI’mrightforwantingtorunandI’mvalidatedinit,ortopleasetellmeI’mthetoxiconeandIneedtofixmyselfforhim. Reply Youdon’tneedto“fixyourselfforhim.” You’renottoxicasfarasIcantell,I’mafraidyou’vebecomethevictimofatoxicpersoninstead.Truly,thisisnotjustatoxicrelationship,heseemstobeaproblematicpersonandyoushouldn’tspendanymoreofyourlifesufferingalongsidethat. Youarerighttowanttorunaway.Ihopeyoudo,Ihopeyoudid,becauseyoudonotneedhim. Whatyouneedissometimetoheal. Whatyouneedtodoisseverties.Completely. AndIpromisethateventuallyyou’llfindthepersonwhoneverhesitatestowhispersweeteverything’stoyou.Someonewhowillalwaysfindyouinteresting,andworthy,andstrong,andloving,andeverythingelseyouare. Takesometimeforyourself,butstopgivingtimetothisperson.Please. Reply Runanddon’tlookback!Theguyisafullblownnarcissist!Saveyourselfandgetsomecounsellingastowhyyoustayedaslongasyoudidinsuchanabusiverelationship! Reply Ineedsomeadvise.Ifeeltrapped,butIdon’tknowwhy.SomedaysIjustdon’twanttocomehometoanyoneandanemptyapartmentwhereIcandecorateandhavemyown.MyS/OandIhavegooddaysandbaddays,butI’malwaysdoingsomethingwrongorannoyingher.Icandoanythingright.EverythingisalwaysmyfaultandIoverthinkeverything.WhichIknowIcando,butnotwitheverything.InhereyesIdoeverythinginthemostroundaboutwayorItakethelongwaytofindoutananswer.I’malwaysthefirsttoapologizeandgiveintomakeherhappy.Idoallthecleaning,cooking,payallthebills,laundry,andtakecareoftheanimals.Iwork2full-timejobs,gaveuponcollege,whileshesayshomeasfull-timecollegestudent.Ifeelburntout.Shedoesn’tdoanythingforherselfandI’malwayspickingupafterher.EverytimeIsaysomethingabouthowI’mfeelingshecomesoffthatI’mmakingheravictim,andthatshecan’tanythingb/cofherdepression/anxiety/PTSD.I’veencouragedhertomedicateandgototherapy.Shecan’tdoanythingbyherselfsoIcanneverhaveadayjusttomyselfb/cI’llgettextsallthetimewantingtojusttalkb/cshecan’tleavemealone.IfI’moutanaboutandshetextsmesheexpectsananswerrightaway,or“i’mignoringher.”SomedaysIjustwanttohaveameday,butIcan’t.IworkataplacewhereIcan’thavemyphone,soweusegooglechattospeak.SometimesIcan’tgettomycomputerintimeforherandshegetssoannoyedandmadatmefornotansweringrightaway.I’malsohardofhearingthatannoyedhertonoend,butshespeakssosoft.I’vebeenverypatient,butIjustdon’tknowwhattodoanymore.Wearesettogetmarriedinafewyearsandshehasadressandwehaveavenue.I’mafraidtoleaveeverythingwehave.Alsooverthepastmonthortwoshe’stoldmethatshedoesn’tlikeherengagementring(i’mstillpayingonit).Shehadhuge“requirements”foraringtobe2.5-3+carats.Ican’taffordthat.Sowewenttogetherandcustomizedagemstoneringat4.16caratswithinmybudget.Nowshedoesn’tlikeit,“b/citdoesn’tsparkleenough.”Myfamilyalsoisn’tthebest(storyforanotherday)soIwouldhavenoone.Herfamilyhasbeeneversoacceptingofmeandlovesme(whichI’veneverhad).Shehasabackupplantooifwewheretoseparate,I’veneverhadthatorthoughtaboutone.Ijustdon’tknowwhattodo.IknowsomedaysI’mhardtoloveb/cIhaveanxiety/depressionandmyfamilyisn’tthegreatest. Reply Ienjoyedthisarticle,althoughIhavedefinitelynoticedabitofgenderbiasinthecommentssection.I’mmale,andIamthefirsttoadmitthat,I,forthelongesttime,wasthetoxicindividual.Ididn’tdoalotofthethethingsonhereoutofbeingselfishortoxic.IneverhavebeenonetoopenupaboutfeelingsafterImessedupwiththeloveofmylife.IlockedupmyheartanddideverythingIcouldtokeepanyoneawayfromit.Istilldothat.Idoithonestlynowthough.IletmygirlfriendsknowattheverystartthatIamadamagedindividualthatmayneverletanyoneneartomeasIdidA*****a.Sofar,Ihavenot.But,IfIchoosetosuffer,that’smychoice.IfeelthatafterwhatIputherthroughIdeserveeverybitofsh!tthatrainsdownonme.Idon’tputanyoneelsethroughtheropesnow.Itisgoingtoworkoritisn’tandmostlikely,itwon’tbecausemyoldheartwillonlybelongtooneperson.Mybodyisanotherthingentirely.Therearenoheadgamesandtherearenolies.IgrantmyselfnodelusionsthatIwilleverbeashappyasIoncewas.Idon’twanttobethathappywithanyoneelseasitisnotfairtoher.Herhappiness,tothisday,isnowIallIcareabout.She’sgone,andIhopeeverydaythatsheishappy.That’swhatmatters.Moreguysneedtocatchontothatbeforetheycrushthedelicateflowerthatisonlybloomingforthem.Youstopgivingherthethingsshesoneeds,andshewillhavetofightororleavetogetthemastheyarenecessaryforhersurvival.Notphysically,ofcourse.Butemotionally,certainly.Youguysthatreadthis:Theyneedalovestory,theyneedtherealdealandnotanoveltydistributedtogetintotheirpants.Theyarelivingandbreathingthingsofbeautythatneedcareanddelicatewayofbeinghandledattimes.Theyarenotthingstobeharvested,butonlytobenurtured.Youtakecareofanappletreeandfortherestofyourlife,youcancanhavesweetdeliciousapples.Sodon’tcutitdowntomakeroomformoredrivewayspace…..Iknowthatifthisiseverread,thatIwillprobablycatchsomeguff,butsobeit.IknowwhereIwentwrongandIwillneverdothattoanyoneelsejustasIknowthatIwillneverbeinlovewithanyoneelse.16yearslaterandnoonehasevercomeclose.ButIamnotempty,becauseIfindmuchtruthintheoldsayingthat“Itisbettertohavelovedandlostthantoneverhavelovedatall”.Somepeoplenevertakethetimetoeventhinkaboutit.Ido,allofthetime,anditdoesn’tbringmepainbecausetheloveIdohave,althoughitbelongsonlytome,bringsmelight,eveninthedarkestoftimes. 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