What a Son Needs From His Dad | Psychology Today

Key points · Boys rely on their fathers for guidance, and a model for how to behave in the world and in relationships. · Research suggests that ... Skiptomaincontent DanielFlintM.A. BehaviorProblems,BehaviorSolutions WhataSonNeedsFromHisDad Examiningwhattheresearchtellsus. PostedMarch7,2021 | ReviewedbyAbigailFagan Share Tweet Email Keypoints Boysrelyontheirfathersforguidance,andamodelforhowtobehaveintheworldandinrelationships. Researchsuggeststhatpositivetimespentwiththeirfatherscanreducethelikelihoodofboysbecominganxious,depressed,oraggressive. Boysalsocravewarmth,affection,andtendernessfromtheirfathers. Sincethisismylastblogpostinthefour-part"whatachildneedsfromtheirparent"series,IwantedtobrieflyaddresssomeofthemostcommoncommentsandemailsI'vebeengetting. Notallkidsareraisedbytwoparents,heterosexualparents,orparentsatall.Thesearticlesarejustawindowintothemorereadilyavailablebiologicalparent-childrelationshipresearch. Ifachildcannotordoesnotgetoneoftheir"needs"met,thatdoesnotimplythatirreparableharmhasbeendone.Eachofthese"needs"isonesmallfactorthathasbeenstatisticallyshowntobenefitchilddevelopmentwithinthesamplethattheresearchersstudied. Theboldedheadersaremybestattemptatboilingdownanentirescientificpublicationintoa"skimmabletidbit"–pleaseseethecitationsatthebottomofeachpostformorecontext! ThefindingsIreportarenotmypersonalopinion,butratheraparagraphsummaryofthedatareportedinthestudycitedtherein. Thesepostsarenotintendedtobecomprehensivesummariesof100%oftheparentingliterature,butratherhighlightinterestingand/orrecentfindingsthatconnectparent-childrelationshipsusinggenderasavariable. Withthatinmind,let'sexploretheempiricalevidencerelatedtowhatasonneedsfromhisdadwhilegrowingup.(AlsoseeWhataSonNeedsFromHisMom,WhataDaughterNeedsFromHerMom,andWhataDaughterNeedsFromHerDad) Anupstanding,law-abidingexample Likemanyotherbehaviors,whenitcomestoillegalactivity,theappledoesn'tseemtofalltoofarfromthetree.Accordingtolongitudinalresearch[3]onthousandsoffathersandtheirsons,menwhobreakthelawarefarmorelikelytohavefatherswhoalsobrokethelaw.Forsonsoflaw-abidingfathers,only4%werefoundtobeconvictedofmorethanonedelinquentact.Incontrast,forsonsoflaw-breakingfathers,about40%committedmorethanonedelinquentact. Theauthorsofthisstudyarecarefultocautionthatawidevarietyofsocio-culturalfactorsplayanenvironmentalroleinincreasingordecreasingthelikelihoodofdelinquentbehavior.Afterall,abouthalfofthesonsoffathersconvictedofcriminaloffenseswereneverconvictedofacrimethemselves.Thus,fathers'examplesdonotnecessarilydictatesons'behavior,butthereisacorrelation. "TheTalk" Ofcourse,anytrustedadultfeasiblycouldprovide"TheTalk"toboysofanappropriateage,butresearchshowsthatforboyswithafatherinthehome,thisconversationistypicallyfacilitatedbythefather[2].However,it'sunfortunatethatfathersreportasignificantlylowersenseofself-efficacywhenitcomestohavingconversationswiththeirchildrenaboutsex[6].Researchersfearthatthisinsecurityabouttheirabilitytocommunicatewiththeirsonaboutsexwillnaturallylimittheamountofinformationandguidancethatthefatherprovides.Infact,evidencesuggeststhatparentsfeellesscompetentinexplainingtotheirsonhowtosay"no"tosex(!)[6].Surely,wecanallagreethatchildrenandadultsofanygendershouldreceivetheclearmessage:youcansay"no"tounwantedsexualactivity. Althoughmomcould,ofcourse,haveconversationsaboutsexwithherson,dadstypicallytakethereinsinheterosexualtwo-parenthouseholds[2].Dads:bebold!Have"TheTalk"andtrynottoviewitasa"onceanddone"conversation.Instead,keepthedialogueopenandmakesureyoursonfeelssafelearningfromandconsultingwithyouwhenitcomestosexualmatters. Parentalmonitoring,communication,andinvolvement Tobefair,basicparentingskillscompetenceisgoingtobeapositivefactorinachild'sliferegardlessoftheirortheirparent(s)gender.ButthereasonIincludedthis"need"isbecauseIfoundaninteresting,recent(2020)studyfocusingontheefficacyofaparent-trainingprogramfornonresident(meaningtheydonotlivewiththeirson),AfricanAmericanfathersandtheir8to12-year-oldsons[5].Thisisrareinparentingresearchbecauseitexploresanimportantnichewheretypicalstudies(whichoftensamplewhite,middle-class,residentmothers)fallshort.Researchersfoundthat,evenforthesefatherswhodidnotlivewiththeirson,parenttrainingimprovedsons'perceptionsoftheirfather'sparentingcompetenceandincreasedsons'intentionstoavoidviolenceinthefuture.Dadscanbeanimportantpartofacoparentingteam–evenifthey'renotlivinginthesamehomeastheirchild.(Formore,seeCoparentingWithanEx:Battlegroundvs.CommonGround.) Time It'sbeenwell-establishedthatpositiveparentingbehaviorsandtacticsareprotectivefactorsforkidsagainsttheonsetofexternalizing(e.g.,disobedience,aggression,etc.)andinternalizing(e.g.,anxiety,depression,andothermooddisorders)symptomsforchildrenofallages. Inarecentstudy[4]examiningtheseprotectivefactors,marriedfatherswhoreportedfrequentlyshopping,playingasport,goingtoentertainmentevents,playinggames,cooking,and/orwatchingtelevisionwiththeirchildrenweremorelikelytohavechildrenwhodidnotexhibitexternalizingorinternalizingsymptoms.Interestingly,theeffectafather'stimespentwithhischildhasonprotectingagainstthesesymptomsismorepowerfulforsonsthandaughters,althoughitremainspresentregardlessofthechild'sgender. Warmth,affection,andtenderness IhopeIdon'tneedtotrytoohardtoconvincedadstoshowwarmthandtendernesstotheirsons.Butincaseyouneededextramotivation,here'safascinatingempiricalfinding:childrenofdadswhotreatedthemaffectionatelyasaninfantscoredsignificantlyhigheronstandardizedmeasuresofcognitiveability(measuredbyreadingandmathskills)atage4.ResearchersstudiedasampleofAfricanAmerican,Hispanic,andCaucasianparticipants,andthefindingremainedtrueregardlessofethnicity. Newdads:ifyourbabyson'scutenesswasn'tenough,here'sanotherreasontogivehimcuddles.Infact,dad'sfrequencyofkissingandhugginghissonattwoyearsoldwasoneofthefactorsloadingontotheconstructof"warmth"thatpositivelypredictedson'sreadingandmathscores. Formore,pleasesee: WhataSonNeedsFromHisMom WhataDaughterNeedsFromHerMom WhataDaughterNeedsFromHerDad Facebookimage:Rido/Shutterstock References Baker,C.E.(2017).Father-sonrelationshipsinethnicallydiversefamilies:Linkstoboys’cognitiveandsocialemotionaldevelopmentinpreschool.JournalofChildandFamilyStudies,26(8),2335-2345.https://doi.org/10.1007/s10826-017-0743-3 Flores,D.,&Barroso,J.(2017).21stcenturyparent-childsexcommunicationintheunitedstates:Aprocessreview.TheJournalofSexResearch,54(4-5),532-548.https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2016.1267693 MariekevandeRakt,Nieuwbeerta,P.,&NanDirkdeGraaf.(2008).LIKEFATHER,LIKESON:Therelationshipsbetweenconvictiontrajectoriesoffathersandtheirsonsanddaughters.BritishJournalofCriminology,48(4),538-556.https://doi.org/10.1093/bjc/azn014 Temmen,C.D.,&Crockett,L.J.(2020).Theimportanceoffatherinvolvementforadolescentinternalizingandexternalizingsymptoms.PsychologyofMen&Masculinity,https://doi.org/10.1037/men0000322 Thomas,A.,Assari,S.,Susperreguy,M.I.,Hill,D.E.,&Caldwell,C.H.(2020).Age-specificmechanismoftheeffectsoffamilybasedinterventionswithafricanamericannonresidentfathersandsons.JournalofChildandFamilyStudies,29(12),3509-3520.https://doi.org/10.1007/s10826-020-01848-5 Wilson,E.K.,&Koo,H.P.(2010).Mothers,fathers,sons,anddaughters:Genderdifferencesinfactorsassociatedwithparent-childcommunicationaboutsexualtopics.ReproductiveHealth,7(1),31-31.https://doi.org/10.1186/1742-4755-7-31 More references Share Tweet Email advertisement AbouttheAuthor DanielFlint,M.A.,studiesthepsychologyoffamilyrelationshipsandworkswithparentstotackletheirkids’behavioraldifficulties. 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