The Psychology Behind Strained Father Son Relationships

As men face the truth about their father-son bond, they will experience both pain and liberation. As they make their way through this emotional labyrinth, it ... ThePsychologyBehindStrainedFatherSonRelationships Parenting ByDerylGoldenberg,Ph.D. Overtheyearsofworkingwithmenintherapy,Idiscoveredthattheissuesthatsooftencomeupaboutcareersorrelationshipscouldoftenbetracedback,soonerorlater,tothelackofrelationshipwiththeirfathers. AmanintherapywhoI’llcall“John”describeshisexperienceswithhisfatherasfollows, Myfatherwasasuccessfulclothingsalesmanwhoworkedalot,butevenwhenhewashomeonweekendshewasn’tavailable. AllofmylifeI’vesufferedfromuncertaintiesaboutmymasculinity. Ithinkit’sbecauseheneversharedanythingabouthimselfwithme. Hedidn’ttellmewhatkindsofproblemshewrestledwith,whathefelt,orwhatitmeanttohimtobeaman. I’vehadtomakeitallupformyself,andI’mneversureIgotitright.”      TheGermannovelistFranzKafkarevealsaboutthisabouthisfatherin“LettertoMyFather.” “Whatwasalwaysincomprehensibletomewasyourtotallackoffeelingforthesufferingandshameyoucouldinflictonmewithyourwordsandjudgments.”  Kafkagoesontosaythatthehostilityhisfatherexpressedagainsthimasachild,henowturnsagainsthimself.“Myfather’smethodofupbringinghadsaddledmewithageneralloadoffear,weaknessandself-contempt.” Asanadult,Kafkawashauntedbyhisfather’shostileandimpatientpresenceinhismind. TheAmericanwriterandpoet,RobertBly,gavevoicetosimilarsentimentsinhispoem,“MyFather’sWedding1924”, “…hisskinwasbark-likethen,maderoughtorepelthesympathyhelongerfor,refused,anddidn’tneed.” Thesedescriptionsarerepresentativeofhowmenrecalltheirfathersrelatingtothem. Butevenmorestrikingthantheobviousdamageandwounds,istherepressedlonging. Manymenarelove-starvedfortheirfathers(andfathersfortheirsons)anddenyit. Toletthis“outofthebag”istofaceagreatdealofanger,rejection,andsadness. Whatispossiblebetweenafatherandson?  Whatcanmendowiththearrayofuntappedemotionsthatshieldthemfromknowingthemselves? Asadultmenwecan’tpretendawayoldunresolvedwoundsbecausethehurtseventuallyresurfaceinotherareasofourlives. Theunexpressedhurtandangeroftentransferontoourloverelationships,parenting,challengesatwork,andproblemswithauthority. Ifwedecidetotacklethiswoundedrelationshipintherapy,wewillinvariablyencounteranarrayofpainfulchildhoodmemories. Wewillexperiencewavesofdisappointment,rage,andgriefatthelossofwhatweneverhadwithourfathers.  Bybravelyrevealingandworkingthroughthisboilingcauldronofemotionwemaycometoameaningfulresolution. Mostmenwillhaveastrongpulltowardsalvagingsomethingofarelationshipwith“theoldman.”Wemaystillhaveadesiretoaddressthedamage,andtrytohaveamorepersonalrelationshipwithourfathers. Perhapsafacilitatedconversationintherapywouldprovideanopportunitytodealwiththeunfinishedbusiness,leftoverresentmentfromourchildhood. Insuchaconversation,couldafatheraccepthis“son’sversion”ofthepast? Incasesofneglect,physicaloremotionalabuse,couldafatheracknowledgehiswrongdoingwithoutexcusinghisbehavior? Couldheownup,orattheleastbeopenandcuriousabouthisson’sexperienceofhimasaparent(whichisn’teasyifthefatherhasbeenabusedorneglectedhimself)? Ifafathercantrulyaccepthisson’sperceptionofthings,togetherfatherandsoncanbegintoloosenthe‘Gordianknot’andmoveforward. InthinkingofmenI’veworkedwith,Ialsowonderedhowtheymightfeeliftheirattemptathavinganhonestfather-sonexchangewasacompletefailure.Howwouldtheyreactiftheirfatherdeniedtherealityofpastevents,iftheyweremetbyacoldwallof“Yougotitwrong,andhere’swhy”? Atthatpointtherewouldseemtobenohopeforrepair. Theycouldeitherdenytheirfeelingsabouttheirfather’spastbehavior,ormaintainasuperficialconnectiontohim,ortheycouldaddresstheirownfeelingsandworktowardsaresolution. Theirattemptsforreconciliationmayormaynotreachtheirfather,buttherealpsychologicalworkentailsmakingaconcertedefforttosortoutthisjumbledknotofconfused,disturbingexperiencesandmemorieswithinthemselves. Personally,Ihavetwiceattemptedtountiethisknot,firstwithmyfatherandmuchlaterwithmyownson. Atthetimeofmywife’spregnancy,fornoapparentreason,therewasasuddenresurfacingofmemoriesfrommychildhood. Thesewerelargelyunpleasantmemoriesofabuseatthehandsofmyfather,whichhecalleddiscipline. Iwantedtotrytodealwiththisupsurgeofmemoriesandintenseresentmentthatwascomingfromdeepwithinme. Aftertryingtotalktomyfatherandgettingnowhere,Iaskedhimifhe’dbeinterestedintherapytoaddressthisleftoverangerIfelttowardshim. Herespondedwith,“gopickonsomeoneelseinthefamily.”  HethoughtIwasexaggeratingtheeventsofthepast,andwasextremelyuncomfortablewithmyaccountofwhathadhappened. Thiscreatedastalematebetweenus,andeverytimeIsawhimIwastenseandwouldentertainvengefulfantasies. Itwasasthoughtherewasaneonsignthatwouldflashonhisforehead,“guiltyofabuse”. ButIwasdeterminedtosortoutthesefeelings,evenifitwasn’tgoingtodirectlyinvolvehim. Aspartofmyowntherapy,Iwasabletoventintensefeelingsofrighteousanger,victimization,andoutrage. Thisongoingventingofrageandhurteventuallyopenedupatotallyunexpectedmemory. IcametorealizethattherehadbeenatimewhenIwasreallyyoungwhereIactuallyhadwantedsomethingfrommyfather. Itwasashocktohavethismemory. IwaspleasedtoknowthatoncetherehadbeenatimewhereIhadactuallywantedmyfather’sattentionandlove. Ialsocametorealizethatthisdidnotchangeanythingwithhim,butitmeantalottometouncoverthiswantingfeelingforhim. Unfortunately,nothingintherealmofrelationshipwaspossiblewithmyfather.SoIhadtoletgoandfeelthepainofthatoldrejectionandmyanger,andthenIwasabletodisengageandmoveon. WhenIhadasonofmyown,Iwastestedasafathermyself.  Thefirstearlyyearswithmysonstartedoffreallywell,butashedevelopedandbecamemoreautonomousanddefiant,sadly,Iwasunabletomanagemyreactivitytohistestingofboundaries,etc.asallchildrendo. Icouldn’tturnthisaround,andlostmyhandleonhisdevelopment.Whenhewasaround5or6yearsold,thingsstartedto“gosouth”betweenus. NomatterhowmuchIhadpromisedmyselfthatIwouldn’trepeatandrecreatethehostilerelationshipI’dhadwithmyownfather,Ifeltalmostcompelled,unconsciously,toreenactmyownchildhoodwithmyson. Hereitwashappeningtome,notasextreme,butstillastrainedrelationship,andthisbrokemyheartthatIwasstillsopsychologicallyimmature. Iendeduponquitearollercoasterofarideasafather. Mysonisnowagrownmanandwearecurrentlysortingoutourrelationship. NowIamthefatheropentodealingwiththeissueswithmyownson. Iamwillingtoacknowledgemyshortcomingsandlistentohischildhoodexperiences,aspainfulastheyaretohear.Weareslowlymakingourwaythroughourtroubledhistorymovingtowardssomethingofarelationship. Asmenfacethetruthabouttheirfather-sonbond,theywillexperiencebothpainandliberation.Astheymaketheirwaythroughthisemotionallabyrinth,itcanbecomeatrue“riteofpassage.” Thesoncanemergewithastrongersenseofhisidentityandasolidsenseofhisownmasculinity. Thesoncancometofeelmoreintegratedasamanandperhapswillingtoseehisfathermorerealistically,withbothpositiveandnegativetraits. Bothfatherandsonmaybeabletorecognizemoreclearlyhowtheirnegativeunexpressedfeelingsmaystillbeimpactingtheirintimaterelationshipsaswellasintrudingintotheirfriendshipswithmen. Theoptimaloutcome,asmenmoveforwardtowardresolvingtheirfeelingswiththeirfathers,istonolongerbeentangledwiththemthroughangerorhurt. Mencanbringtheirnewlyearnedindividuationandenergyintotheirlovelife,worklifeandfriendshipswithothermen.   DerylGoldenberg,PhDisaclinicalpsychologistinprivatepracticeinSantaMonicaandSantaBarbaraandhasfocusedhisworkonMalePsychologyandCouplesRelationshipissuesforover30years. TolearnmoreaboutDr.Goldenberg,visithiswebsiteoremail him here. AbouttheAuthor DerylGoldenberg,Ph.D. DerylGoldenberg,Ph.D., isaclinicalpsychologistinprivatepracticeinSantaMonicaandSantaBarbaraCalifornia.HehasfocusedhisworkonMalePsychologyandCouplesRelationshipissuesaswellasfamilieswithover30years’experiencehelpingchildren/teensandtheirparents. Dr.Goldenberg’sareasofexpertisearein-depthindividualandcouplestherapyandprovidinginterventionservicestochildrenwithemotionalanddevelopmentaldisorders. TolearnmoreaboutDr.Goldenberg,visit www.drderylgoldenberg.comoremail him here. RelatedArticles WhyDoKidsGetStuckonCertainTasks? 3EssentialStepstoTakeBeforeGettingAngryatYourKids TheKeytoRaisingIndependent,CapableKids Tags:childabuse,childhappiness,father,parentchildcommunication,parenting 72Comments HowcanIasafatherfixthewoundsofverbalabuseinflictedinmyson23yearsofage.Iamtrulysoryandwouldliketorepairthedamagebeforeitistoolate? Reply Justreachoutandtakeitstepbystep.Letyoursonknowthatyouwanthiminyourlife.Thatyouwerewrongandnowyouseeit.Thatyouregretthetimelostandthewayyouacted.Honestlyanswerquestionsthatyoursonhas.Givehimspaceandtimetoheal.Respecthisdecisioninregardstotherelationshipbetweenyoutwodisregardingofhowthat“hurtful”mayseemtoyou. Iwriteasadaughterwhohadsuchafather.I’m43andstilltryingtohealoverwhatmyfathersaidanddidtomymother,meandbrotherwhenIwasinmyearlyyearsoflife.Ispeakfromexperience.Sofaronlyrarecontactsseemtoworkformeespeciallywhenhiswordsduringourlastphoneconversationstartedwith“Ihavenotchanged,I’mthesame…”That’snotwhatIwantedtohearandthewayIlookatit,IamtheonewhoneedstoacceptthatnomatterwhatIdo,Iamtheonewhoneedstoacceptthereality:hewillneverregretitorchangeddespitemyattemptstohealtherelationshipandthenucleusofmyfamily:mymotherandbrother.Weallstillcarrytheweightofourpast. Prayandbecalm,havepatienceandreachout,helpout,reallyBEthereifyouwanttohealyourrelationshipwithyourson.Goodluck! Reply Whatifyoudon’twantyoursoninyourlife?Whatifhe’saconstantreminderofhowsociopathhismotherwas?Weseemtoassumethefatherwasguilty.Butrelationshipsarecomplex.Sometimes,thingsjusthappen—thereisnotrelationshiptosalvagebecausetherewasneveranyrelationshiptobeginwith.ThisiswhatIhaveexperiencedwithmyson. Iwalkedawayoutofnecessity,ontheadviceofatherapistwhosawhowdestructivemyson’smotherwas.WhenmysonandItriedtoreconnectitbecameapparentthattherewassimplynothingthere.Iknewhewashurt,butIcouldn’ttellhimIwassorrybecauseeverythingIdidIwoulddoagain.ItoldhimIwishithadneverhappened,butallheheardwas,“Ineverwantedyou,”whichwaslargelytrue.Hewastheresultofapregnancyentrapment.Itriedtoaccepthim,buthismother’sconstantmanipulationandcrazy-makingmadeitvirtuallyimpossibletoconnectwithhim.Tome,hewasalwayshismother’spawn,broughtintothisworldtomanipulateandhurtme.,andeventually,thefamilyIwentontohave. Thereconciliationwithmysonjustquietlypeteredout.Therewasnothingtosay.Nothingtorepair. Reply Ifyoudon’twanthiminyourlife,it’seasyMan.Justmoveon. Reply Whycan’tyoujustseehimforaperson,achild,whodidn’tasktobeusedasapawn?Regardlessofhowhegothere,heexists.Howcanyoupunishhimforhismother’sfaults?Istheremoretothestoryofthetypeofpersonheis?Ifnot,thisfeelssoverysadandwrongtotreathimthiswaybecauseofher. Butyoucouldatleastexplainthecomplexityofwhyyouleftandtakeresponsibilityforgettingintherelationshipwithhismuminthefirstplace. Thenhemightlearnthatheshouldbecarefulwithrelationships. Youcanstillapologiseforleavingyoursonwithoutadad,butthatitwasimpossibletogettoknowhimBecausethemumdidn’tletyou. Thenonedaywhenhe’soldenoughtounderstandhe’llprobablywanttotalk. Reply Thinklongandhardbeforeyoutry.Reallybehonestwithyourselfaboutwhetherornotyou’reabletobreakthatcyclethatresultedinallthatabusetobeginwith.Speakingassomeonewhowasinthe“son”roleinthatscenario,ifyouthinkyourrelationshipisbadnow,youhaven’tseenanythingyetcomparedtowhatitwillbelikeifyoustarttorepairitandthenbackslideintoyouroldways.Afterhowevermanyyearsofverbalabuse,yourrelationshipisonlifesupport.Ifyoustartthehealingprocessandthenfailagain,youwillendit.Therewillbeabsolutelynocomingbackatthatpoint.Sowhilereconciliationmightstillbepossiblefromyourson’send,youneedtohaveanhonestconversationwithyourselfaboutwhetherit’sworththerisktolosewhatlittleyouhavenow. Reply Whatifyou’redaddoesnotliketalkingtoyou Reply Cooper,Iamadadoftwowonderfulboys17and19.Icantellyouasadadifsomedadscomeacrossliketheydon’tliketalkingtotheirson,Ireallybelievethatthedadmaybeterrifiedatdisappointingthesonwithapoorresponseorhemaynothavethecorrectanswerandbecauseofthiswillgivedefensiveposture. Reply IhavebeenthinkingofthetimesIspentwithmydad.Wehadneverhadadialogue(one-oneconversation)untillastyear(whenIwas19).Ithappenedaftermultipleattemptsofmetryingtoconnectwithhim.Inmychildhood,Ithoughthehatedmebecauseheonlytalkedtometorebukeme.He’snotabadperson,butIseethathemayhaveignoredtomakeanimpactonmeasachild.Ihave3olderbrotherstoo(reallyoldclosetobeingfatherfigures).Myearlyinteractionwiththemwasnotgoodeither.IhavememoriesofthemmakingfunofmebecauseIwasfatandkindofgirlie,andIgotafeelingfromthemthatIwasuninteresting.Thisexperiencehasweakenedmypsychologicalwellbeingtoday,andaffectedmybehavior.HowdoIhealtheserelationships?HowdoIfindtheconfidenceIneedtodaytobethemanIshouldbe? Reply ListentoJordanPeterson. Hishonestthinkingcouldhelpyouunstickfromwhereyouare. Reply HowdoIgetmysontotalktohisfather.Hehascutusbothoff.Hasbecomeafathernowhimselfwithoutusknowing.Hehasn’tlivedwithussincehewas18heisnow30.Whyafteralltheseyearshasheturnedthelasttimewespoke/saweachotherwasin2020 Howcanwestarttocommunicatewhenwedon’tknowwhy Anyadvicewouldhelp Myfriend,Charles,wouldnottalktohisfathernomatterhowmanytimeshetriedtoreachout.Charlesiasufferinginhisrelationships,had2failedmarriages.Nowseeingmebutwouldnotopenhisheart.Oftensoundsangryandinsecured,jasabandonmentissues. Reply Dr.Goldenberg, Thankyouforanyourarticleandwords-framework-mindset-approachtohelpmetoreachouttomyadult(29yr)son. Theearlyyearswithmysonweregoodtoexcellent,whenheturned11or12hebecameabitofafirecracker(normal)andsadly,myresponsewassimilartomyfather’s;bulliedandintimidated.Myfatherdidn’thaveafathertoteachhim;hisfatherdiedwhenmyfatherwas8yrsorso. Forafewweeks,Iblamedtheacrimoniousdivorce,hismotherremarryingandmovingoutofstate.TheIacceptedthatitwasME.Iwastheadult.Ifailed.Ilostmyson. AwhilebackIreadapprox95%+(?)ofestrangedrelationshipsreconcile.Ialsoreadthatthelongertheestrangement,thehardertoreconcile. Antonia, Thankyouforencouragingustoreachoutandtakeitstepbystep. Ihavehopeandlowexpectations. Salvatore Reply Ihavetwosons.Oneis21andtheother20yearsold.Bothhaveaterriblechildhoodwithabsolutelypoorrelationshipwiththeirfather.Hethinksthathelovesthembuttotheextentthathisweird“love”chokedlifeoutofboth.Hestillrefusestounderstandandacknowledgetheproblemwhileblamingeverythingoneverybodyelse.Theresultbeingthe21yearsoldhasdevelopedmentalillnesswhilethe20yerasoldhascutalltieswithdad. WhatshouldIdoasamothertohelpbothmysons? P.S:Wedidnothaveahealthyhappymarriageandnowlivingseperatelyafter22yearsofmarriage.Believeitornotwearenotdivorcedyetforthekid’ssake! Reply Thankyouforpublishingthis. Reply Uzmayourremarksaremakingmeinstantaneouslylivemypast.Iamlivingthesamepathasyoursonwhohascutalltieswithhisdad.IwouldliketoknowifthereisanychancethatIwillhaveafuturewithmyfatherinmylife.Iwantustobefriendswithhimagain.IthinkofwhenIwas6or7yearsoldwhenmydadwasmybuddy. Reply Thankyouforthisarticle,andforme,ithitthenailonthehead.Iamfathertotwokids,3and4andIlovethemtodeath.Howevermyresponsetothemtestingtheirboundarieshasbeenimmature,forthereasonsyoumentionedabove.Itisalreadychangingtheoncegreatdynamicsbetweenus,andsomethingIamawareof,butfinditsohardtochange. IdorealisethattheclockistickingandIdonothavemuchtimetoturnthingsaround.SometimesIfeelrecklessandsaytohellwithit,theywillmisstheloveIhavetooffer.HoweverIknowthatitwillhurtbothparties,Iamalsotheadult,inapositionofcontrol,andtheyarethechildren,whoaresonewtothisworld. Fortunately,mywife,theirmum,isalovelywoman,whoisourrock. Ihavecounsellingonceaweektotrytosortoutmyemotions.Ireadaroundthesubject.Iwriteemailsthatgetssenttomyselfatfuturedates,thatsothatmymentalrecollectionofeventsiskeptincheck.Ialsoacknowledgeandacceptmyshortcomingsasaperson,andthatIcanbebetter. It’snoteasywhenyouaddintheeverydaystressesofmoney,work,otherrelationships,andpasthistory.Butmykidshavehopefullyaround80yearsaheadofthemandeveryimprovementImaketomyselfnow,willbeaninvestmentthatwillkeepongrowingwellafterIamgone. Reply Myhusband(nowaretiredphysician)taughtmethetrickofsaying,“Hey,wedon’tdothatinthisfamily.”(Itworkedformeasateacher,too:“Hey,wedon’tdothatinthisclass.)Theneedforasenseofbelongingisverystrong. Disciplineguru,BarbaraColoroso,suggestsfocusingonlyonwhatismorallywrongorlifethreatening.Determinetoletgooftherest—thethingsthatmightbugusbutjustdon’tmatter.Kidssortthingslikethatout—buttheydoneedyourguidance(andsometimesdiscipline)tounderstandwhatissafeandmorallyright.You’retheadultandyou’reallowedtosettheboundaries,butdosowithyourwifeandexplainthemtothekidstogether,alongwiththenaturalorlogicalconsequencesforchoosingnottofollowthefamilyrules—andthen*beconsistent*(ANDagoodexample). Hopethosetwosuggestionshelp. Reply GLADIcameacrossthis.myfatherneverknewhisfatherandhismotherwasacknowledgedasasistercausshewasnotmarried.ivealwaysseenmyselfasthedogofthefamily.nomatterhowcruelparentscanbeyoustillkeepgoingbacklookingforaffection.isupposetheycouldnotfindthebalancebetweenabehavedchildandonethatcouldhaveanyconfidence.Ihaveabeautifulldaughterwhichat20iadore.ineverwantedasonanditsonlynowiknowitsbecauseididnotwanttomakemyfathersmistakes.tothisdayhestillgivesmenorespect.itsnotthatmyopinionisrightorwrongitsneveraskedfor.tryingtolearnthattheirisatimetocuttiesandstarttryingtohealthehurt. Reply idontmuchlikemyoldestsonandhedoesntlikeme.idontfeelhewasevertreatedbadlybutattheageof17himandmyexconspiredtodrivemeoutofmyhome.toattempttogetclosertohimtothisdaywouldresultinmegettingshivvedagain—nothanks.hecanstayhisassinchicagoandillstaymyassincentralindianawhereibelong. idonthavetolikesomebodyjustbecauseimrelatedtothem.thatsabsurdthinking. Reply I’mtheproductofanadoptionbyasinglemother.TheonlymalerolemodelIhadwasherdad,mygrandfather.HedidgivemetonsofloveandIjustcrazyabouthim.WhenIwas15or16hepassedandmyemotionalworldcametototalhalt.Myamazingmotherworkedlonghoursandwasaverystrictdisciplinarian.Thephysicalabusewasconstant.Irememberverbalabuseandmymotherparentingwithfearandthreats.Iwasoftenspankedwithabelt,ironhangeroranythingshecouldthrowatme.Fast-forward,Ibecamethedadofthreechildrentwogirlsandoneboy.TounderstandmyfatherhoodexperienceyoumustunderstandthatasayoungboyIwasveryhyperandI’mcertainthatIhadsometypeofundiagnosedADHD.Notdoinggreatinschoolbutatthesametimeveysmart(ironicah?).ForsomereasonIwasalwaysintrouble,neverdiddrugsorlandedinjail.Iwasjustalonerandkepttomyselfmuchofthetime.IdidhavefriendsthatfromtimetotimeIwouldgooutwithinhighSchool.Thissaid,I’mknowaproudparentofa27y/ogirl,a25y/oboyandmyyoungestdaughter23y/o.Mysituationiswithmyson.ItseemsthatIsaidverystrongthingstohimwhenhewasachildandparentedhimwithfearandthreatsaswell.Onceinawhilehe’llvisitthathurtfulfilecabinetandpulloutaverypainfulexperiencewithme.Ifeelthathe’sangrywithmeandtheresentmentisobvious.I’veaskedhimtopleaseforgivemesinceIwasayoungdadwithnofatherrolemodel.Ihadnoideaofwhattodoandsay.AllIknewwasthatIdidn’twanthimtogothroughwhatIwentandIheHADtobecomeabetterpersonthanme.Ichosetobecomeaparentthatverballyintimidatedandcreatedfearinmyson.Ineverputahandonanyofmychildren.ThatwastheonlythingthatIdiddifferentfrommymother.EverythingelseI’mmymother.Ifeellost,shame,guilty,depress,inagony.IfeelthatI’mtheworstdadintheworld.I’msosorryforwhatI’vedone.Ican’tstopthinkingwhatmypoorboyisgoingthroughandwhatIsaidthatmarkedhislifesodeeply.Thatat25y/ohestillbringsupbitsandpiecestomyattention.Idon’tknowhowtofixthis,butonethingIknowisthatIcan’tlivewiththisagonymuchlonger.HowcanIfixthisbetweenmysonandI?Thanksforgivingmeanopportunitytoventmyheart.Thankyou. Reply Atleastyoursorryaboutitandaremakingtheefforttomakeamends.Thatmakesyouagooddad.Mydad’snevertriedtoevaluatehisbehaviouratleastinfrontofme. Whenyoursongrowsuphe’llprobablybemorewillingtoworkthingsoutwithyou. Justshowyoucareoccasionallyandhe’llseeyournotthebaddadyouthinkyouare. Reply I’dalsoadd,whynotseeifyoursonwouldliketodoafewcounsellingsessionswithyou?Sothatyoutwocanworkthingsout—andgetpastthem—inasafeandguidedenvironment? Reply 18/02/2019Ithoughtihadagoodcomunicationandwonderfulrelationshipwithmyyoungestson38years.old.Ihelpedhimineverywaypossibletellinghimafterevryphonecalhezzzzzzzziloveyouson.Hewouldcallmeevery2or3weeksacrosstheAtlanticandmentionthathewasworriedaboutmyhealthandoldage.Ifeltlovedandcaredfor.Wewouldtalkaboutwork,hisgirlfriendeverythingthatcameup. Ificouldshareexperiencestohelphiminhisworkiwouldshare.Mytraininggothimveryfarinhiswork. 10monthsagooutoftheclearbluehesaidwecan’tspeakanymorebecauseiambusyi’llletyouknow.iamgoingthroughadifficulttime. Ihavewrittentensandtensofmessagestolearnwhyhewouldnolongertalktome.Itis10monthsandhestilldoesnotspeaktomeoranswerchatsormessages. Whatthehelldididowrong???????? Charles Reply Charles,itdoesn’tsoundlikeyoursonissuggestingthatyouhavedoneanythingwrong.Heexplicitlytoldyouhisreason:he’soverwhelmedwithfeelingbusy.Yes,10monthsisalongtime—butitsoundslikehemightbegoingthroughsomethinginhisownlifethatisn’taboutyou.Whoknows:Depression,joiningareligion,arelationshipbreakup,acatastropheatwork.Ormaybejustanexhaustionwithwhathefeltwastoo-frequentcommunicationobligations(theworldissodifferentnowthanitusedtobe;manyofushavehundredsofunansweredemails,constanttextsbombardingus,andabacklogonthevoicemail.Burnoutisreal,andsomepeoplehitapointwheretheywanttoeliminatelongdistancecommunicationforawhiletofocusonimmediatelocalobligations).Yes,yoursonSHOULDbemorerespectfulofyouashisfather,andrespectyouremotionalneedformorefrequentcontact—buthumansarefallible.Andhemightbefailinginhisethicaldutiesrightnowforamyriadofdifferentreasonsthathavelittletodowithanyguiltonyourpart.(Unlessthere’smoretoyourstorythanyoumentioned). Reply Ihave2childrenfrommy1stmarriage.MyNOWsoulmate,movedheaven&earthtogetmychildrenfrommyex.Spent100’sofhoursonlegalissuesandpaperwork.MyexwentWILDasifshewasapartygirlagainandmykidssufferedphysicallyandpsychologicallyasshepartiedandhadanabusiveboyfriendtobothherandthem.Mydaughter,11atthetimewasscaredandconfusedwhenIleftthehome.Sadly,shebecamesuicidalandwehadmultipletripstotherapyhospitalsinthearea.Afterher4thattemptIofferedanalternatesolutionofhavinghergotomyparents.InsertEvilMomsyndromeandthechoicewasclear.Here’sthepointofmystory.WewenttoamutuameetingpointandwehadXmasgiftsforeveryoneandwhenmysongotoutofthecartogotomyparentscar…thehatchopenedandtheynevergotout.HewasachildLOSTinouterspace.Myheartsankasweweredevastatedbytheiractions.Myparentsfellhook,lineandsinkerforwhatmydaughtertoldthem.Thiswas2015andtodate,not1singleemailorphonecallortxtmessageoranyotherformofcommunicationwasdonebymyparentstoexplainWHYtheydidwhattheydid.ColdTurkey.IhaveRAGEinsidemeonalevelthatpoliceprofilerswouldbelike…DAMN!!IwillneveractonitbutthefactthatmyASSHOLEfatherwouldjustgo…adiosandnottrytocontactusinanywayforclarityisbeyondcomprehension.Hiswife,isafuckingbitchandasclosetobeingtheactualAnti-ChristasanyhumanI’veeverknown.SheWASmymother,asmyrealmompassedandshewasawonderfulhumantowardsmywifeandIbutwhenthishappened,sheSATAN’DupandInowknowwhereIstand.IwillNEVERgetoverthiscompletebackturningonmywifeandIastheyneverwalkedamillimeterinourshoes.Storyhassomanymoreturns,obviously.Butpointis…..nocommunicationandwewere“judged”bypplwhodidnothingand-knewnothing. Reply So-Iama46yryoungmomtoanAmazingyoungmanwhowillbeturning16thisyear…afewmoremonthsactually.ImarriedmyHighSchoolSweetheart(Yup,MysonsDaddy).InschoolitseemedItooktherollofGodmomtosomanyofmygirlfriend’swhohadbecomepregnantinschoolaswellasmostofthemquittingtheireducation,buttheyalsoborechildrenbyBoyswhoNeverwerefather’snorsupportedtheirchildren.IsworeIdnotgodownthatpathespeciallyknowingIcamefromanabusiveandbrokenhomewithmymomandmydad.ThoughMommaNevertalkedbadaboutmydadtomybrotherandI,sheneverhadhelpfinanciallyorotherwisefromhim,shewasalsoabusedbyhimandIthankmybigbrotherforshieldingthosetimesfromme,yethewastheonemostharmedbyseeingthethingshehad,heisnow50andeventodayIstillseehispainandthetollittookonmybrother.SoafterImarriedWeplannedoutsonandKoltonwasbornwhenIwas31.Otherthanmarryingtheliveofmylife,becomingaMomtomyonlychild“MySonKolton”wasbyfartheBestthingthatEverhappenedtome.Butafterhewasborn,myhusbandlostallinterestinme,hellheeventoldmethatbecauseoftheweightIdgainedfrommypregnancy,thatIgrossedhimoutandhehadnodesiretohaveintimacywithme…..Mysonwas18mowhenIfiledforseperation.ThehardestthingIeverdidinlifebecauseItrulybelievedin“forbetterorforworse”…completelyrippedmyheartout,onethingIhadAlwaysknownthoughwasIwouldfollowmyMothersLeadinthatNoMatterWhat,WhethermyXhadapottopissinorawindowtothrowitoutof,Idnotbethatwoman,motherorX,thatwoulddragamandownandrapehimfinanciallyordangleoursonoverhisheaddemandingMoreMoneyoryouwon’teverseehimkindaBSthatOhaveseenSoooManyWomen/Mothersdotoamanandbelieveme….IveseenaMany!Soeveryotherweekenditwas….andohhwerethedayswithoutmysonjustAwful.Ididn’tthinkIcouldmissanyoneoranythingasmuchasIdidonthose2days.Astheyearswenton,Inevertookhimtocourt,neverdemandedmore,IonlydemandedhebeaDad!BecausehenorIeverhadone,Iinsistedonthis!Ievenboughtmyhome3milesawayfromtheMaritalhomewherewealllived(ownedbyX’sMomandStepDad),sothathecouldseehim,takehimorwhateveranytime….IalwaysplacedhimonSchoolpaperwork,daycare,sportsetc…AsHisDadwhocouldretrievehimanytime.Butastime(yearswenton)heonlystucktothatEveryotherweekendDefinablynevertookhimlonger,oronvacationsoranything.SoMysonlastyearwas14andabouttoturn15,whenhisdadwalkedaway,turnedhisback,andwalkedoutofoursonslife100%justlikethat!!!Alloverwhatwastheir1stArgunentaboutgoingtoaconcertwithFriendswhereIhadalreadysaidNo,notwithoutanadult.Sohecallshisdadthinkinghe’dgetadifferentansweralltohavehisdadtellhimthathewasn’tgoingtoallowhimtogotoaRapconcertwherehecontinuestotellatmysonoverthephonetellinghimthatifhestartsgoingtothosekindofconcertshewillbeWhiteNi&&ER!CallinghisfriendsTheNwordandjustDisgusting!!!!MysonhasbeenraisedbyME,AndIhavethoughtHimtheimportanceofhavingmultiplefriendshipsofallcolors,allwalksoflifeandwithoutPredjudice!NotinaMillionyearsdidIeverexpectthathisfatherwouldsaysuch!MysontoldhimhesaidDad……ifyousaythatwordonemoretimeIamhangingoutthephoneonyou(somethingweDoNotdotopeople)…..hisdadrepeatedthewordafewmoretimesandmysonsaidImhangingupnowbecauseYouareMAKINGMESICKDAD…ANDIFIHAVETODOTHATBEPREPAREDTHATIWONTEVERNEVERCALLYOUAGAIN!……andsoheendedthatcall.MysonmademeprouderthanIdeverbeeninhis14yearsofMYRAISINGHIMTHATDAY!HisfatherontheotherhandhehasNoIdeawhattheHellHeIsMissingOutOn.BecausemyboyisAWESOMEINEVERYWAY!HisfatheristhebiggestPOSExcuseforaDadorManIveeverseeninmylife!ItkillsMyHearttotheCorethatheisnolongerapartofmysonslife,andTrustmewhenIsay,IhurtoverthisWaymorethanmysondoesButagain…..ThisjustshowsmethatImanAmazingMommaandI-ME…..HavedoneonehellofajobraisingmysonandIhonestlycouldn’tbemorePROUD!SomuchhisfatherhaschosentomissandWillMiss…..becausehedoesn’thaveahearttoturnbackaroundtohissonandapologize!Whatashamehuh?It’scool,hestillliveswithhisOldGermanHaggofaMotherwhostillpayshisbillsandwouldnotfathomanykindoffemaleinherhousewithhim!LMAO……here’syourKARMAmyX!YourMommaisgonnalivetobe110…..LolandtheControllshehasoveryouandyourlifeISEXACTLYWHATYOUDESERVE!MyBoyDeservesaBetterMANtoCallDAD! Reply Alotofpainfulletters!Iamcompelledtoshare. Iamafatheroftwogrownmen,40,and41yearsold.Igavethemeverythingtheycouldpossibleneed,love,support,encouragement,thebestschools,thebestneighborhood,thebesttrainingineveryconceivablesport,gamesetc.Bothgraduatedaslawyersfromtopuniversities.Ibelieveinduty,hardwork,andandselfdiscipline.MyfatherdiedwhenIwas6yearsold.Mymotherhad8kidstoraise.Iputmyselfthroughuniversity,andnevercausedanyproblemsforanyone.Idon’tevengetparkingtickets.AlwaysItrytoshowgratitudeforanyfavourImightreceive.Itrytoservesocietyasavolunteersinanynumberofways.WhenIdivorcedtheirmotheressentiallybecauseshetriedtokillme,theystartedtobereallyangryandhatefultowardsmebecauseI“destroyedtheirperfectlife”.Icontinuedtoconductmyselfwithdignityandcivilityandstayedabovealltheillwill.Theirmothermadeeveryattempttodestroyme,myemploymentrelations,myfriendships,mypersonalproperty.Essentially,Ileftwithnothing.Essentially,I“threweverythingoverboard”tosavemyself.Indivorce,bepreparedtolooseeverything,exceptyourhealthandyourfaculties.Allmaterialpossessionscanbereplaced.Thismindsetwillhelptoavoidbadbargains.Yourpersonalreputationisessential.Ifolloweveryrule,avoidanyskeletonsinanyclosets,completeyourtaxreturns.Donothingsuchthatyoucannotgouponaroofandshouttotheworld,“GuesswhatIdid…”.Beopenandtransparentwithallpersonalandcorporatedealings.Thisavoidsyoubeingblackmailedbyyourspouseoryourchildren.Breaknorulesorlawstohelpthem.Theywillmakeyoupayforit.Thiscanbeatypeofpersonalhell.Withthemaswitness,youcouldalsoendupinjail.Essentially,trytocontinuetolivealifeabovereproachandtoavoidhavingtoapologizetoanybodyforanyconductorimproprietyofanysort.Ifeelthattheseboysandtheirmotherareseriouslyresentfulbecause“Idestroyedtheirperfectlife”,andtheirattemptsatrevengehavealwaysbeenfrustratedorineffective.Yes,theyfailedtodestroyme,andonthecontrarytheyhaveseenhowIhaveusedmypersonalphilosophyofcommitmenttohardworkandandwithdisciplineanddedicationhaveprospered.OnesonwhoIbasicallysalvagedfromthedestructionandabusebyhismotherhasnotspokentomefor10years.TheothersonmakeseveryattempttomakesureIamtreatedwithdisregardordisrespectateveryencounter.Isimplyignorehisboorishconduct.Ineverappeartobehurtbyanyslightsorrudeness.Under,nocircumstance,allowthemtogetto“Gettoyou”!Ibelievethiscapacitycompletelyfrustrateshisattemptstobehurtful.Henowhasadaughter.TherelationshipIhavewithhisfamilyincludinghisdaughterisbasedonmysenseofdutytothem.Iamalwayscordialandrespectful.Ipersonallyhavedispensedwith“Love”itstooexpensive!Inreview,Ithinkmoremenwouldbehappieriftheyapproachedfatherhoodwithasenseofduty:“Thinknotofwhatyourkidscandoforyoubutwhatyoucandoforyourkids”,approachthisresponsibilitywithasenseofdutytoyourkidsandtothegreatersociety.Expectnothinginreturn!Onceyouhavedoneyourduty,seeeveryencounterasatransaction.Younolongerowethemanything.Itisnowsociety’sresponsibility.Thisisasurewaytoavoidunmetexpectation,heartaches,anddisappointments.Itworksforme.GoodLuck! Reply Likefatherlikesonhaseverythingasthemodeloflessons.Oneonlylooksandseeshowhasbeenstrugglingwhenhe/shegetstotheveryexperience. ThetenseterribleexperiencesofthesonseeingthefailureofthefatherandlatterfailingisasignthatwecanofourselvesdonothingbuteverygoodthingwedoisagiftfromGodforallhavesinnedandfallshortofthegloryofGod. Thisisatwowayapproachconfessashasbeendoneandaskforforgiveness.ThetwopartiesmustreconcileonlyintheloveofGodandthereaftersholderonasbetweenthemnoneisperfect. Reply Myhusbandwon’tspeaktohis35y/osonbecausehe’sanalcoholicandwon’twork.Mysonperiodicallywillcleanhimselfupandstopdrinkingandgotochurchwithhisdadbutwhenherelapsesmyhusbandstopsallcontactwithhim.ThishurtsmeandIwanttohelpsomehowbutnotsurewhattodo. Reply ThanksDr.yourarticleprovidesmeparameterstoandsubstantialevidencetoconfrontmyownfearsasafatherandtrytomendtherelationshipwithmysonwhichibelieveisnotatalllostifiactwithanopenmindandwillingtorevisitwithhimphasesofourpastwereihurthisemotionaldevelopment.WouldtakecouragebutIagreewithyouthatasafatheritisinthebestinterestofmetoresetandreprogramtherelationshipbyacknowledgingmyveryownlimitationsandshortcomingsbecauseattheend,allIwantistoensurethatmysonstandsuptohimselfandproudofbeingmyson.ThTisnotthecadetoday.Ihavemuchtoadmitandiam-byvirtueofwritingthis-intherightpathfogetit Reply Ihavea22yearoldsonwhoistooattachedtome,Ihavebeendivorcedfor17yearsbutneveroutofhislife.WheneverhefindsIamdatingsomeonehemanipulatesmebythreatsofsuicide,quittinghisjob,etctolivewithme.Hehasneverheldaregularjobandatthispointiamabitoversupportinghim.IhavenowmetawomanItrulycareforandwanttomakealifewith,however,heappearedtoldmeifIdidn’thelphimhe’dcommitsuicide.Idon’tthinkthislovelywomanwillhandlethismuchlonger.HeisnowlivingwithmedoingNOTHING.Hehugsme,holdsmyhandandkissesmeandIamuncomfortablewiththeintensenessandemotionsintheseactions.Afewofmyfellowfriendstoldmehemightbelatenthomosexual.Havetalkedtopsychiatristsanditisadeadendthere.Anyhelpfromyourviewers? Reply Hello,Idon’treallyknowyoubutwhatcomestomind,isthatmaybehisemotionaldevelopment‘stopped’ataroundtheageofyoudivorcinghismother(age4or5).Hemaynotbeoverthatyet?Hisbehaviorasyouputitherestrikesmeasthatofaveryyoungboy,desperatenottoloosethisdad,likeheisclingingonandverymanipulatingtoyou.Fouryearsoldtendtoseeall-or-nothing,whichisnormalforthatage.Perhapsthatheisoverreactingifyoucomparedtowhatyouwouldexpectforamaninhisearlytwenties.Don’tmeantobemean,Jon,butsinceyouhavehadalotofdeadendsintherapy.Ithoughtofgivingitatry.Complimentstoyouforreachingouthere.Myself(women)amreadingonfather-son(partnerandbrothers)tounderstandthemmoreandultimatelywhystuffkeepshappeningtome.Bestwishesfor2020! Reply Thankyouforyourarticle.Veryhelpful.Iamthemotherofa17yroldsonwhohasaverynon-existentrelationshipwithhisfather..Hisfather/myhusbandlivesinthehousewithus..Itrytohelptherelationshipbutitturnsintoyouaredefendingtheotherperson..IhaveaskedmyhusbandtoseektherapybecauseIseethisrelationdissolvingitselftonothing.Heseemstothingmysonneedstherapyandnothim.Myhusbandgrewinaverytoxicfamilyandhecannotdealwithconfrontations.Hissolutionistolashoutverballyorphysically.Ifhetriestoreachouthiseffortsarerebuffedbymyson..Thenhegoesbacktobeingtheemotionallyimmaturefatheragain..Iamlostnotsurehowtohandlethis. ThanksagainClare Reply Greatarticle,Ithinkrelationsbetweenfathers&sonsarecomplicated,speciallyifyouweretheoldestson..likeme,theVerbalabuse&sometimesthePhysicalabuse,leftscarsthatwillneverleave,&amnotmarrieduntilnow,maybeiwillnevergetmarriedcausefranklyidon’thavetheenergytofacemyfearsfromrepeatingthesamemistakesthathavebeendonetome,&ihadtroubleinmycareer&relations,causeineversawmyfatherasarolemodelspeciallywhenitcomestorelations,hebarelyhadagoodrelationwithmymother,againtheverbal&physicalabusewasalwaystheproblemwithhertoo,&ineverfeltthatamgoodenoughtohisstandards,&ithinkifailedinmylifepartly-nottotally-duetothisunhealthyrelation.. Reply Whataboutthistypeofrelationshipbetweenfatheranddaughter.Ihaveabrother3yearsolderbutIwasthetomboy.MyDadhadaveryhardchildhoodandIfeellikewekidspaidthepriceforthis.MyDadworkedtobebetterthanhisupbringing,heworkedhard,isaperfectionist,hadthemywayorhighwaythinking,secondisthefirstloser,bealeadernotafollowerandit’snotcriticism..it’sconstructivecriticism.Hardonmeasagirldoesn’teventouchthesurfaceofwhatIfeelwasame,alwaystryingtomakegooddecisionsandchoicesthatwouldmakehimproud.I’m47today,andIhaverealizedthatIcannolongerbearoundamanwhomakesmefeellikeafailure.Iamverysuccessful,andhavebeendrivenallmylife.IfeellikeIamwhereIam,notbecauseIhassupport,butbecauseIwasgoingtoprovehimwrong.ong.Iremodelmyownhome,takecareofmyownvehicles…justputanewbackdoorinbeforewinter.Heisthekindofguywhowilltellyou….youscrewedthescrewstootight.Hewilltakeatapemeasureandseeifmymeasurementsarejustbarelyoff.Mymotherdefendsitandhasallmylife.Sheisinsistentthathejustwantswhatisbestforme.HeandIgetintoverbalaltercationsconstantlybecauseIfeellikeIhavetostickupformyself.Ihaven’tspoketohimfor2monthsnow.ThelasttimeIwasoverthereIaskedhimifhecouldcutapipeformeanditturnedintoacompleteclusterbecausehequestionedifthelengthtocutwascorrect.Itwasmylaststraw….mymothersaysI’mmean,hemeanswell…that’sjustthewayyourDadis.IhavefatherfiguresninmylifewhotreatmemoreofadaughterthanmyDad.AmIwrongforfeelingcompletelybrowbeatandfordecidingthatIcannothandlethementalbeatingIfeellikeI’mgetting?Nothingisgoodenough,sowhybother.IbelievethathistreatmentmeiswhyIhavetheworsttimeinanyrelationship.I’vepickedpeoplewhoarenotgoaloriented,eventhoughIam.IthinkI’vedonethistonotbecriticised….Ifeelsolost. Reply HiCasey, AlthoughIprobablycan’tprovideanysuggestion,butyourpostresonatedwithmesomuch,remindsmealotofmyrelationshipwithmydadthatIjusthadtohitreply.Im38male,andinthelastyearorso,Iendedupspendingmoretimewithdadashehelpedmerenovatemyhouse.NowheissuperhelpfulandIcanseethathejustwantsthebestforme,buthisconstantnitpickingineverythingisdrivingmeupthewall.Ifindthatmaintainingagoodrelationshipistokeepahealthydistance,notspendthismuchtimetogether. Reply I’vebeenstrugglingwithmyrelationshipwithmyyoungestsonforhisentirelife.Forsomereason,wehavenotbeenabletoformabondofanykind,andthishasbeongoingforaslongasIcanremember.Heisabsolutelyignoranttome,quiteoftenwillnotanswerquestionsIaskhimandhasmadenobonesabouthisdisgustwithmyexistence.Ihavetriedandtriedandtriedtofindoutwhathascausedthisrift,andI’msureIamequalinfault.ThemoreItry,themoreIgetsnubbedandpushedaway.IhadaskedrepeatedlywhatheandIcandotogether,onlyheandI,butIeithergetnoanswerwithanastyglareoraverycurt“Idon’twanttodoanythingwithyou.”TodaywhenIdroppedhimoffathispractice,heslammedthecardoorsohardthatthewindowcrackedandIvoicedmydispleasure,whichIamsurewillnowresultinatleastaweekofnothingfromhim.IfeellikeI’mattheendofmyropeandfeellikethereislittlerecourseotherthantoleave,ifonlyforashortperiodoftime.Ihavenotroubleswithmyrelationshipswithmyotherfourchildren,atleastatthistime.Idon’tknowifthatwillchangeastheycontinuallyseethetensionbetweenmyyoungestandme.Sorryforbeinglongwinded,butdoyouhaveanyimmediatesuggestions?I’dappreciateanyadvicefromanyone. Reply HelloAllenSmith:ItwasJuly2019thatyoupostedyourentryheresobynowyoumayhavealreadyresolvedthis.Inthecaseofwhatyoudisclosedaboutyouryoungestson,Iwouldstartleavinghimtotallyalone.Asyouquotedhimsaying“Idon’twanttodoanythingwithyou,”Iwouldleavehimtohisowndevices–includinggettinghimselftoandfromtoplaceshewantstogo.Sinceit’sclearhe’stryingto“punish”youforwhateverheseesyou’vedonewrong,hopefullyhe’lleventuallycrackandbeforcedtotellyouwhat’seatinghislunch.My2cents’worthasagrandfather. Reply HelloAllen.Asayoungestchildmyself,Ifounditdifficultnotbeingtakenasseriouslyasmythreeoldersiblingswere.Theyoungestespeciallyrequiresmorequalitytimewithparentsbecausetheydon’thaveyoungersiblingstotakecareoforbossaroundasameansofbuildingcharacter.Itispossiblethatyoursonfeelslikeheisn’tbeingtreatedashisoldersiblingswere.IagreewithJakeinthatyoushouldlethimbemoreofanindividual,andcelebratehisachievementssuchasacingatestormakingasportteam. Reply Verygood. Reply Finally,insightaboutthenegativeimpactsthefather/sonrelationshipcanhaveonachild!Oftentimesthegeneralargumentaboutunresolvedchildhoodissuesfocusesonandblamesthemothersinfluenceorparenting.Evenwhenfathersareinvolvedasofshowingupisenough. Whichonlyperpetuatestheissuesbyfailingtoaddresspsychologicalneeds. Bravo! Reply Iam40yearsold.Ihavefewchildhoodmemoriesofmyfather.Icancountthemononehand.Whenhewalkedoutonmymother,mysister,andme,Iwasonly8.MymotherremarriedwhenIwas10.Mystepfatherwasjust“there”:henevertriedtobemyfather.Heeventuallycheatedonmymother.Theydivorced.Growingupwasaturbulentprocess.Ididn’trealizehowmuchthelackofafathercontributed.Istruggledtodefinemyself.Ilackedconfidence–andstilldo.Ihaveafamilynow.Ontheoutside,Iappearfine,evensuccessful.Ontheinside,I’mawreck.Ifeeldeepangertowardmyfather.Hecallsoccasionally.Hewantstobeapartofmylife.Hewantstoseemykids.Notsurewhatmotivateshim.Heremarriedandhasanothersonwithhisnewwife.Heseemscommittedtothem.However,whenItryandhaveameaningfulconversationwithhim,onewhereweconnectemotionally,heseemsuninterested.Itmakesmyangerburnevenmore.Mysistertellsmehe’llneverconnectwithusonadeeperlevel.She’sfinewithit.I’mnot.Mymotherhassinceremarriedmystepfather.Shebringshimaroundmeandmyfamily.Forhersake,Itoleratehim,butIhadhopedI’dneverseehimagain.Boththese“fathers”arenowbackinmylife,butmychildhoodisgone.Apartofmewantsitback.Idon’tknowwhy.Theirpresenceistoolittletoolate.Ihavebeenindeliblyshapedbytheirabsence.AllIcanfeelisangertowardthem. Reply BoyamIgladIfoundthisarticle.Ipraythatsharingitwithmyhusbandwillbeamomentofclarityforusall. Reply Foryears,Ihavehadastrainedrelationshipwithmyownfather.WhenIwasayoungchild,around4to6,Iwouldwaitformyfatheratmygrandmother’sabode.Yet,therewouldbetimeswherehewouldnotcome.Ibelievethisisthebeginningofseveralofmydeepmentalproblems. Thankfully,myrelationshipwithmyfatherhasgrown,buttheissuesthatcamewithsomeofhisnegligencewillalwaysremain,Ifear. Reply Youareinthemiddleofyourfatherandhissuppressedangerattheworld. Ourcountryhasturnedveryliberal,multi-culturedandsubconsciouslyamanismoreconservativeandhatesthis. Afatherprobablyisusingyoutotakeouthisangerormaybehe’sana**hole. Ikindofstayawayfromminenowbecauseheonlyaltersmybrain. Reply It’s5AM,Ireadthewholearticle&everysinglecomment&replyposted.Itallmakessomuchsensenow,IwishI’veknownthissooner&IbelieveI’mluckyenoughthatmygreatestfear(father)isalive&Istillhavethechancetoatleasttrytogetsomeanswers Ican’trememberthelasttimeIheardtheword‘proud’comeoutofmyfatherslips.WhateveritisthatidoIalwaysknewitwasn’tenoughorsomethingwasmissingbecauseIhavealwayswantedtobeseenastheidealsononlythroughmyfatherseyes.NowIgetwhyIwassojealousofmyfriendsfather-sonrelationships,ofalltheadvicestheirfatherstoldthembeforetheypassedaway,Iwoulddietohearjustoneoutofmyfathers. Talkingabouthiswrongdoingsherewon’tsolveanythingbutallwhat’sgoingthroughmymindrightnowiswhatonearthdidmygrandfathercommitedforustogothroughallofthis. Reply Thankyouformentioningabouthowtalkingaboutourfeelings,wecancometoameaningfulconclusion.Igrewupwithoutafatherandithasgreatlyhinderedmeemotionallythroughoutmylife.IfeelthatIamnotlovedanditreallyhasputatollonmypersonalrelationships.Growingupwithoutafatherdefinitelyhasnegativeeffectsonaperson’swellbeing. Reply Ihave2sons,one25theother20. Thewaymyhusbandistreatingmy20yearoldisreallyworryingme.BeingthemotherIamtoldthatIshouldstopfendingforhim. Theproblem:sincetheywereveryyoungthewaytheirfatherdisciplinedthemwouldbebyswearingandthreateningthem.Ididn’tlikethewayhebehavedandthiscausedalotoffightsbetweenus. Yearslaterhehassortoffcalmeddownwiththeeldestone,buttheyoungestoneisstillbeingtreatedthesame.Unfortunatelymysonsuffersfromdepressionisseeingapsychologistonmedicationandiswonderingwhyhisfatherwon’tbondwithhimandwhyhehateshim.Lastnightinafightmyhusbandtoldme>>>>Iamnothappywithhim,yearsagoIwasmowingthelawnoutsideandhewasinsideplayinggames.!!!!Sonowweknow.Butthisgoesmuchfurtherback.Hecan’thandlemyrelationshipandbondwiththeboysespeciallytheyoungest. Ihavebeenpraying-heisaveryhardman.Evenintherapyhewouldn’tacknowledgehisimpactandbehaviouronhisson. Idon’tknowwhattodo. Reply Mysoniscurrently17.Irecognizedhehadsomeangerissuesregardinghisfatherwhenhewas12or13.Wewenttoacounselorwhosaidtheycouldhelphimandhestillgoesoffandonasa17yearold,severaldifferentcounselorsthroughtheyears,butthroughonepractice.Backwhenweoriginallytookhim,theytoldustogainhisTrustetc.,theywouldn’tbeabletosharehisinformationwithusunlesstheythoughthewouldhurthimselforothers.I’mgladmysonstillgoesandhassomeonetospeakwith,butIdon’tunderstandhowmyhusbandandIaresupposedtohelpifwedon’tevenknowwhatit’sallabout.Oursontendstobe“okay”athome,butforsomereasonwhenweareoutinpublic,youcanseeawallgouparoundhimwhenitcomestointeractingwithhisdad.Soconfusing…………. Reply Whatagreatarticle.Rightinthefeels Reply HellomynameisJohn.Iam58yearsold.Itryingtoworkonmyrelationshipwithmyson.Iwentthroughabaddovorcemanyyearsago.Ididnothandleitwell.DuringthoseyearsIshouldhavebeenabetterfather.IhadsomuchhateinmeforexShehadbeenseeingmybestfriendandendedupmarryinghim..Iwasmadattheworld.Nothingmademehappy.Ibegandrinkingheavilyforyears.Astimepassedithasgottenbetter.Tomakeaverylongstoryshortmysonistryingtobuildarelationshipwithme.ItryingbutImnotdoingwell.WhataresomethingsthatIhavetodo.Iwantsomuchtogetastrongrelationshipbetweenus.Pleasegivemesomeguidelinessomeideas.Thisissoimportanttome.Please.Thankyou. Reply Justsentyoualetter.Didn’tknowifyoureceivedmycorrectemailaddress.Thanks Reply HellomynameisSantiago.Iam24yearsold.Idon’thavekids,andIlivewithbothmyparentswhomIlovewithallmyheart.ThatbeingsaidtherelationshipbetweenmyfatherandIisstartingtobreak.Iam2ndbornoutof5siblings.Andtheonlyoneoutofthemthat’sbeenbeatfordisciplinaryreasons.Ihadaverydifficultandchallengingupbringing.Iwasconsistentlyverballyandphysicallyabusedathomeandatschoolbymyparents,siblings,andothersbecauseIwasmorbidlyobeseandcrippledwithdepression.NowI’maadult.AndIlovemymomanddad.Ihaveforgiveninmeallresentment,anger,andpainIcarried,oratleastIthought..beingaparentisbeyondhard.IseehowmypopsiswithmysiblingsandIfeelhappythattheydidn’thavetogothroughwhatIdidwithhim,butsometimesIfeelestrangedtohim.Iknowhelovesmeandhasprovenitwithactionandloveforthefamily,butthescarsheleftonmypsycheandinmyheartaretremendouslydeep.Iexplodeonhimforthingsthataren’tthatseriousandvice-versa.IknowI’vebroughthimstress,andminortroublesmaybe.I’mdeeplysaddenedthatmysoulcannotletgo.Iwantthosememoriestonotmatterandtheydon’t…Tellthattomypsychethough,nowthatitiscrippledbyunresolvedtraumasinflictedaccidentlybyafatherwhodidnotknow.Iwanttomakehimproud.Ilovemyoldman,butourheartsarestrangerstoeachother.Hisviewofmeisskewed.Iknowhesensesapain,aanger,asadness,andperhapsevendarknessthatIcarry.Ido.I’mhealingandIthankgod.ILOVEYOUDADIMSOSORRYYOUHAVETOFEELSORROW.IWILLHEALINMEFORTHEBOTHOFUS. Reply Ihaveonlyonechild,nowamanabout34years.Iamhisfatherandhehatesmeandhehaswashedhishandsofme.Hehasblockedmyemailsandmytelephonecalls.ButIcanonlypostordropalettertohim. Mywife,hismother,passedawayabout18monthsagowhenshehadgoneonholidayduetoherniaburstingandherlifecouldnotbeservedafterasurgery.MysonblamesthatIdidnotseekpropertreatmentattherighttime.Heistheonlychildinmyfamily.Ihaveevenaskedforhisforgivenesshedoesnotwanttoknowme. IwillbegratefulifyouwouldpleaserecommendastohowIcouldreconnectwithmyson.IhavenootherchildrenandIampryingtoreconnectwithmyson. Iwaitforyourresponse. Thankyou Gama Reply Itsoundslikethatheseesyouasasafetargettoblameandthisiswhereyouneedtoputinboundariesbutwithempathy.Itmightbeworthputtingthatinalettertohim.Heisentitledtohispainbutitisn’tyourfaultthatshedied.Theoutcomescouldhavebeenthesamewhateverhappenedandyoursonneedstofacethatreality. Reply Thisarticleisexcellentasaretheresponses.Iamafatherof2sonsandadau.IrealizenowthatwhentheywereyoungertheirmotherhadaneedtobeheldinveryhighesteembyherchildrensoshepushedmetobethedisciplinariansoIalwayslookedliketheheavy.Duringtheirteenageyears,theirmomwantedadivorcetodothingssheneverdidaswemetincollegeandmarriedrightafterwards.Iwasdevastated,butsinceIhadstayedhome1/2timetoraisethechildren,IfeltthatIhadthatspecialbondinour50%sharedlegalandphysicalcustody.Thischangedwhenshewantedchildsupport,soIwasunderalotoffinancialandemotionalpressureasthejudgefirstsaidthemotherwantsthembacksothefathergets1.5daysevery2weeks(3daysamonth),andIhadtopaychildsupport.Longstoryshort,myex.nowhadtomanagethechildrenmostofthetimeandshethoughtofputtingtheminaprivateschool1day’sdrivefromourarea,andsentmethebillandthenacourtorder.Mytwosonsasteenagersweregiventheirowncreditcardsandfullaccesstomom’scar,thenanapartmentincollege…..Myex.wantedthecollegedivorceagreementchangedforwewouldcontributeaspossiblewiththechildrenworking,gettingloans…..tomepayingfor1/2ofallthecollegebillsplusapt/creditcard……onmy$35,000schoolteachersalary.MytwosonsknewofthisanddeterminedthatIdidn’twantthebestforthemandwasadeadbeatdadhavingtobedraggedintocourttopayforaprivatehighschoolthatcostmorethanmyteachersalary.DuringthesetimesIwasemotionallyandfinanciallyoverwhelmedanddidattimesrespondtotheirwordstomebysayingthattheirmomcamefromawealthyfamilyandthatshewantedwhatshewantedandotherchoicewords.Theychoosetogofromtheprivatehighschooltocollegeandneverspeaktomeagain.Ihavereachedouttothem2-3xayearandapologizedfornotbeingthefathertheyneededandwanted.Ihaveapologizedforshowingdisrespectoftheirmominfrontofthem.Theydonotrespond.Itisnow20yearslaterandIstillkeepmydoorandheartopen,continuingtorecognizetheirhurtfeelingsandtheirdisappointsinme,apologizing,andaskingifwecanmovepastthisandreconnectandnoresponsecontinues.TheyhavemovedaroundabitandInowonlyhavetheiremailaddressesandmydau.(whowegetalongwonderfully,willpassonmycardstothemforme).Theyareintheirlate30’sunmarried,livingabachelorlifestyle.WhatelsecanIdo?Istilllovethemdeeplyandprayandhopethatonedaytheywillbeavailabletoreconnect. Reply It’stypicaloftheauthor’sgenerationthathisdiscourserestsonblame:inthiscaseblamethesonsforthefather’sshortcoming,failures,mistakes,etc.Doyounotthinkthatanadultsonshouldeverbeheldaccountableforhismeannessofspirittowardsafather?Chancesarethatthefatherhas‘donehisbest’.And,ofcoursethethingaboutblameisthis:youcanblameotherssoeasilyforwhattheydo,butyoucannotblamethemforwhatyoudon’tdo.Thusfather’sbecomeatherapist’sblessing.Theimaginedpainofasoncanbesoeasilyplacedonafatherwhichmeanstheclientwillreturnforanotherseesionthefollowingweek Reply WheredoyouthinkthemeannesscomesfromDouglas?Itdoesn’tcomefromafatherthatislovingandgenerous,itcomesfromaFatherwhoperhapswasn’tthosethings.ThisistheissueIhavewiththerapyandpeopleingeneral.Theyautomaticallygotoblame.Therapyisn’treallyaboutblame.Therapyisaboutunderstandingthedynamicsinwhichyougrewupinandpreviousgenerationsdynamicsandinunderstandingit,youcanthenchangeyourlife.Idon’tblamemyFatherforhisactionsbutIdounderstandwherehisbehaviourcomesfrom,howeveritwashischoicetonotdothingsdifferentlyandforthatheisentirelyresponsible.Blamedoesn’tentertheequation. Reply Whatifmydadsayshelovesme,butalwaysverbalabusesme. Reply MyfamilyhailsfromIndosub-continent,verbalandphysicalabuseisconsideredpartofgoodparenting,disciplineandloveinmanyfamilies. Icanhardlyrecallthreepositive,encouragingtimeswithmyfather.Ihavetriedtomakesenseofitovertheyearsandrealizedthathehimselfneverhadagoodrelationshipwithhisfatherandthatprobablyhasalottodowithit.Howeverheneverstoppedandaskedhimselfwhyallhissiblings,kidshaveavoidedhimandonlyspendtimewithhimoutofobligation. Ihavefeltenviousofsomeofmywhitefriendsthathaveagreatrelationshipwiththeirfathers,seeingthenenjoyingtogetherasfriends/palsIknowitdoesexists. InstitutionaleducationhaslittletodowithitasmygrandpahadaPhDandmyfatherisanEngineer.ThebestIcandoistomakepeacewithitandbemindfulofmyselfif/whentimescomestoraisemyownson. Reply Hi,yesgreatarticle. Ihaveason23yearsold,wedon’tgeton,inmymindownmindI’mcontentwiththefactthatpeoplearedifferentandlifemoveson. Ialsohaveawifethatobviouslywouldlikenothingmorethanforustoatleastbeciviltoeachother,I’mnot,IknowI’mnot.Somuchhashappenedinthepastleadingtothispoint.Frombirthuntilabout7/8yearsthingswereprettygood,thenit’sbeendownhilleverysince,sosomuchhashappenedleadingtothispointthatmyattitudeisjustasIsaidabovepeoplearedifferentandifwewereacouplewewouldgetadivorce,mywifecan’tgetherheadaroundthat.I’mtiredofhittingmyheadagainstawall. Asoftonight,afteraboutayearafterhimsayingtomeoutofpoliteness–helloonceaday,thewifecalledhimfromhisroomwherehe’sbeenforthepast13yearsforanothergotryingtogettothebottomofit,withnosuccess,ifanythingjustmadeitworse, Yourviewsandcommentsandadvicewelcome Reply Greatarticle Reply Thanksyouforyourarticle.Myhusbandisagoodmanbuthehasverydeepunresolvedpainfromhisstrainedrelationshipwithhisfatherwhohassadlypassedaway.Oursonisnow16anditseemsthewoundsofmyhusbandareinfluencinghisrelationshipwithourson.Myhusbandisanangrymanbutalsoagentleman.Theangerisanautomaticresponsewhenthingsdon’tgothewayhefeelstheyshouldoroursonisdisplayinganalternativenarrative.Ifeelmyhusbandisparentingfromaplaceoffearandsadnesswhichisdisplayedasfrustrationandaggression. Oursonisnowdisplayingrageandfrustrationtowardsmeandhisdadwhenheandhisdadtrytotalkaboutdifficultsubjectsormyhusbanddoesn’tfeeloursonisgoingthewayhethinksheshould. OursonisagreatkidbutI’mafraidmyhusbandsunresolvedissuesareinstillingnegativeemotionsinotherson…pleashelp Reply okwheredoistart.myFatherandmotheradoptedme.aswellasmyfatherwasdessertedbyhisparentswhenhewas3forcinghimtolivewithhisgrandparents.finallymeetinghismotherandfatherforthefirsttimewhenhebecame53.jumpbackfiveyearsfromtheniwasadoptedandialwaysknewiwasadopteditneverbecameaissuetillpastcoupleyears.butmyfatherwasalwaystheretosupportme,bailmeoutoftrouble.orhelpmeincertainareasinlife.thanwheniwas16-19ihadasonofmyown,hismotherandihadcomplicationsandididntknowhowtocooporhowtoresolvethesituation.sosheleftwithmysonandistartedtohatetheworld,eventuallyigotintodrugsandmakingitworseitcontinuedandimpactedmywholenetworkofpeopleinmylife.costingmeeverything,my2fullsizedhouses,mysingingcareer,anyfriendsihadeventuallymynewrelationshipfellapartandiendedupresortingtomuchharderandharderdrugstilleventuallysomethinginmylifesnappedandicouldntdoitanymore.igotonsomemedicationandstartedtogetclean.mymotherwillingtotryonelasttimestartedtogotocouncilormeetingsandslowlybecamemyfriendagain.nowhereiswherethebigmentalissueis,mydadontheotherhandihaveaskedhimtocometothemeetinghewont,iwanttohelpwiththingsheneedstododaytoday,hesturned83thisyearandjustretiredlastyearalthohestillisconstantlyonhisfeet,hehasmajorhealthconcernstothepointimscaredhesgoingtofaintwhenhegoestohavecoffeewithhisfriends.butnomatterhowmuchitryandhelphegetsupset.andaswellifijustkeeptomyselfandstaydownstairsandavoidhimthenwhereiamstayingistoobigofamess(ihavearoomwith31x2ftboxsandacouch)iunderstandthatifuckedup.iknowireallywasnotthinking.andsureihavesomeFASD,ADHD,butimtrying.iwoulddoanythingtobethesonheshappytohave.imeanthepastfewyearsivefoundouthestakenmeoutofhiswillcompletely,theoldiescarweusedtoworkontogetherisnowskippingmeandmysonisintitledtoit.anythingidoimaburden.iamalwaysanegativeimpactonpeople.evenifiworkmyassoff,stopdoinganyandallcriminalbehavior.idunnohowtotalktohim.liketheproblemisidunnowhattoputintowordsand/oractionstomakeitsomeandhimarehappytohaveeachotherinourlives.imeaniamalwaysgoingtovalueandrespectwhathehasdoneformeandhowheraisedme.butnowthathesstartingtoshowsignsofoldageandstuff.ihatgethethoughtofhimbeingstressedoutaboutlifeendingandgettingangry.hewonttalktomeormymother.nooneknowswhatsgoingon,causetohimnottalkingabouttheproblemmeansavoidingthepain. Reply cameacrossyourarticlesiwasimpressedwithalltheremarksthoughtiwasalonewithmine.Raised3kidsonmyown.Anywaylifegoesonwhentheygrowuptheydotheirownthing.Thankyoufortheinput. Reply Thisarticlewasverytimelyformeinmyfarther-sonrelationshipwithmyson.Iliketheadviceyougiveonhealingtherelationshipwithourfathersbeforewehealtherelationshipswithoursons.Howdoyoudothatifyourfatherhaspassedaway?LatelyI’vebeenshownsomerealitiesofthatrelationshipfromanoutsider’sperspective.HowdoIreconcilewiththoserealitiesandfacethemasfatherlessson? Reply Wow,thatresonatedwithme.I’ma23-year-oldsonofaman,whoneverstoppedcriticizingmedayinanddayout.Thisresultedinmegettinganxiousandflinchinginpublic.Youcan’tactauthenticallyifyouhadaroughchildhoodlikethat,alwaysinsurvivalmode. IneverreallyknewuntilIwas18thatthiswasarealissue.Iheardstoriesofpeoplebeingforcedtogettheirmouthsshutafterbeingabused.Horrible. Myculturedeniesmentalhealthandhasnormalizedthiswayoftoxicbehaviortowardskidsandmyfatherhasrepeatedthiswithme.NowmyfatheraskshimselfwhyIandsometimesmysiblingsaredistantfromhimaftercallinghimselfagoodfather.Itrynottorepeatthiswithmyfuturekids. Reply Iamaneducatedgeezer.Iamaseniormale whohaswrestledwithsomeextremeissuesmostofmylifeandevennow.IhavePTSDfrommyserviceplusverystrongissueswithmyson.IwouldliketostraightenthemoutbeforeIdiebutwhenItrymysonliterallyrunsaway?????Iwouldliketospeakwithyouifatallpossible.Iaminsured. Reply ToobadI’mnotahighlytrainedphysiologist. ……………….. Reply Mybrotherstartedusingandsellingdrugsat15,anddrovebothofmyparentscrazy.Heeventuallytemporarilystabilizedenoughtogetthroughcollege,buthistemperwasalwaysvile,healwaysblamedmyfatherthemost,thenmymotherandthenmeforhismisery.Eventually,hewasjailedoverseas;myparentsdidtheirbesttosupporthimselfduringthattime,andthenhelpedhimgetsomewhatstabilizedpsychologicallywhenhegotout.Hehasn’tworkedinthe15yearssince,andhistemperisevennastier.Myfatherneverapprovedofhim,buthewasandisatrainwreckwholivesalonefarawayandisconstantlyangry.(Myfatherdiedabout6yearsago). Iknowanothermaninhis80swithasimilarsonwhohashadasimilarlife.He’sthrowninthetowelonhim,finally,cuttinghisshareofhisinheritanceinhalf,andavoidinghisson’sphonecalls.It’ssimplytoomuchforhimtohandle. Ithinkitmighthelptowriteanarticleabouttheself-destructive,troublesomesonslikethis,andforhowfatherstobesthandlethem. Peopletalkaboutunconditionallove,butparentscaneventuallygetbatteredpsychologicallytoomanytimesbyadultchildrenlikethese. 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