What Is Your Attachment Style? Attachment Theory, Explained

There are four main adult attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and fearful-avoidant (aka disorganized). The latter three are all considered forms of ... Skiptocontent # mindbodygreen CloseAd Navigation MainNavigation WhatIsYourAttachmentStyle?AttachmentTheory,Explained HealthCoaching Classes Shop Login Profile SavedArticles Orders&Tracking Classes ContactSupport LogOut Yourcartisempty. Ouronlineclassesandtrainingprogramsallowyoutolearnfromexpertsfromanywhereintheworld. ExploreClasses mbgShop 0 VIEWSHOPCART mbgCalm 0 VIEWCALMCART mbgClasses 0 VIEWCLASSCART SubcategoryNavigation mindfulness health food movement beauty home socialgood parenting more astrology planet relationships lifestyle Love WhatIsYourAttachmentStyle?AttachmentTheory,Explained | ExpertReviewed WhatIsYourAttachmentStyle?AttachmentTheory,Explained WhatIsYourAttachmentStyle?AttachmentTheory,Explained ContributingSex&RelationshipsEditor ByKellyGonsalves ContributingSex&RelationshipsEditor KellyGonsalvesisasexeducator,relationshipcoach,andjournalist.ShereceivedherjournalismdegreefromNorthwesternUniversity,andherwritingsonsex,relationships,identity,andwellnesshaveappearedatTheCut,Vice,TeenVogue,Cosmopolitan,andelsewhere. Expertreviewby KristinaHallett,Ph.D.,ABPP Board-certifiedClinicalPsychologist KristinaHallett,Ph.D.,ABPPisaboard-certifiedclinicalpsychologistwithabackgroundinneuroscience.SheisalsotheDirectorofClinicalTrainingatBayPathUniversity,andanassociateprofessorinGraduatePsychology. WhatIsYourAttachmentStyle?AttachmentTheory,Explained WhatIsYourAttachmentStyle?AttachmentTheory,Explained WhatIsYourAttachmentStyle?AttachmentTheory,Explained WhatIsYourAttachmentStyle?AttachmentTheory,Explained WhatIsYourAttachmentStyle?AttachmentTheory,Explained WhatIsYourAttachmentStyle?AttachmentTheory,Explained WhatIsYourAttachmentStyle?AttachmentTheory,Explained Graphicby mbgCreative /MargarytaBasarabxiStockPhoto WhatIsYourAttachmentStyle?AttachmentTheory,Explained LastupdatedonSeptember29,2021 Shareon: Shareon: WhatIsYourAttachmentStyle?AttachmentTheory,Explained WhatIsYourAttachmentStyle?AttachmentTheory,Explained WhatIsYourAttachmentStyle?AttachmentTheory,Explained WhatIsYourAttachmentStyle?AttachmentTheory,Explained WhatIsYourAttachmentStyle?AttachmentTheory,Explained Whyaresomepeopleveryaloofandunattachedintheirrelationships,whileothersareclingyandneedconstantvalidation?Accordingtoattachmenttheory,it'sbecausedifferentpeoplehavedifferentattachmentstyles.Here'severythingyouneedtoknowaboutthefourattachmentstyles,howthey'reformedinchildhood,andhowtodevelopasecureattachmentstyle. InThisArticle 1 Whattheyare 2 Secure 3 Anxious 4 Avoidant 5 Fearful-avoidant 6 Howstylesform 7 Quiz 8 History&research 9 TheStrangeSituation 10 Changingyourstyle Whatisanattachmentstyle?  Aperson'sattachmentstyleistheirspecificwayofrelatingtoothersinrelationships.Accordingtoattachmenttheory,firstdevelopedbypsychologistMaryAinsworthandpsychiatristJohnBowlbyinthe1950s,attachmentstyleisshapedanddevelopedinearlychildhoodinresponsetoourrelationshipswithourearliestcaregivers.Essentially,ouradultattachmentstyleisthoughttomirrorthedynamicswehadwithourcaregiversasinfantsandchildren.Attachmentstyleincludesthewaywerespondemotionallytoothersaswellasourbehaviorsandinteractionswiththem,saystherapistAlyssa"Lia"Mancao,LCSW.Therearefourmainadultattachmentstyles:secure,anxious,avoidant,andfearful-avoidant(akadisorganized).Thelatterthreeareallconsideredformsofinsecureattachment.Someresearchmeasurestheseattachmentstylesbasedonanindividual'slevelsofavoidanceandanxietyinrelationships,asseeninthechartbelow: Graphicby mbgCreative /Contributor Advertisement Thisadisdisplayedusingthirdpartycontentandwedonotcontrolitsaccessibilityfeatures. Thefourattachmentstyles: 1. Secureattachment Secureattachmentstylereferstotheabilitytoformsecure,lovingrelationshipswithothers.Asecurelyattachedpersoncantrustothersandbetrusted,loveandacceptlove,andgetclosetootherswithrelativeease.They'renotafraidofintimacy,nordotheyfeelpanickedwhentheirpartnersneedtimeorspaceawayfromthem.They'reabletodependonotherswithoutbecomingtotallydependent.About56%ofadultshaveasecureattachmenttype,accordingtofoundationalattachmentresearchbysocialpsychologistsCindyHazanandPhillipShaverinthe1980s.Allotherattachmentstylesthatarenotsecureareknownasinsecureattachmentstyles. 2. Anxiousattachment Anxiousattachmentstyleisaformofinsecureattachmentstylemarkedbyadeepfearofabandonment.Anxiouslyattachedpeopletendtobeveryinsecureabouttheirrelationships,oftenworryingthattheirpartnerwillleavethemandthusalwayshungryforvalidation.Anxiousattachmentisassociatedwith"neediness"orclingybehavior,suchasgettingveryanxiouswhenyourpartnerdoesn'ttextbackfastenoughandconstantlyfeelinglikeyourpartnerdoesn'tcareenoughaboutyou.Anxiousattachmentisalsoknownasanxious-preoccupiedattachment,anditgenerallyalignswiththeanxious-ambivalentattachmentstyleoranxious-resistantattachmentstyleobservedamongchildren.Some19%ofadultshavetheanxiousattachmenttype,accordingtoHazanandShaver'sresearch. 3. Avoidantattachment Avoidantattachmentstyleisaformofinsecureattachmentstylemarkedbyafearofintimacy.Peoplewithavoidantattachmentstyletendtohavetroublegettingclosetoothersortrustingothersinrelationships,andrelationshipscanmakethemfeelsuffocated.Theytypicallymaintainsomedistancefromtheirpartnersorarelargelyemotionallyunavailableintheirrelationships,preferringtobeindependentandrelyonthemselves.Avoidantattachmentisalsoknownasdismissive-avoidantattachment,anditgenerallyalignswiththeanxious-avoidantattachmentstyleobservedamongchildren.Some25%ofadultshavetheavoidantattachmenttype,accordingtoHazanandShaver. 4. Fearful-avoidantattachment(akadisorganized) Fearful-avoidantattachmentstyleisacombinationofboththeanxiousandavoidantattachmentstyles.Peoplewithfearful-avoidantattachmentbothdesperatelycraveaffectionandwanttoavoiditatallcosts.They'rereluctanttodevelopacloseromanticrelationship,yetatthesametime,theyhaveadireneedtofeellovedbyothers. Fearful-avoidantattachmentisalsoknownasdisorganizedattachment,andit'srelativelyrareandnotwell-researched.Butwedoknowit'sassociatedwithsignificantpsychologicalandrelationalrisks,includingheightenedsexualbehavior,anincreasedriskforviolenceintheirrelationships,anddifficultyregulatingemotionsingeneral. RelationshipCommunication101 TRYAFREESAMPLEOFTHISCLASS Thankyou! Beonthelookoutforawelcomeemailinyourinbox! Anerroroccurred.Pleasetryagain.Ifthisproblempersists,[email protected] WithEstherPerel WatchTheWholeClass:EstherPerel’sGuideToTheBestSexOfYourLife Howattachmentstylesareformed. Attachmentstylesaretypicallydevelopedininfancybasedonourrelationshipswithourearliestcaregivers.Researchersbelieveattachmentstyleisformedwithinourfirstyearofliving,between7to11monthsofage,accordingtomentalhealthcounselorGraceSuh,LMHC,LPC.AccordingtoMancao,it's"determinedbyhowtheprimarycaregiverrespondstothechild'scueswhentheyareexperiencingemotionalstress.""Humanbeingsarebornhelpless,sowearehardwiredatbirthtosearchforandattachtoareliablecaregiverforprotection,"PeterLovenheim,authorofTheAttachmentEffect,writesatmbg."Thequalityofthatfirstbond—lovingandstableorinconsistentorevenabsent—actuallyshapesthedevelopingbrain,influencingusthroughoutlifeinhowwedealwithlossandhowwebehaveinrelationships."Here'saquickprimeronwhatcircumstancesleadtoeachofthefourattachmenttypes: Secureattachment:Caregiversareresponsiveandattunedtotheirchild'sneeds,saysMancao. Anxiousattachment:"Caregiversareinconsistent,unpredictablewithaffections,sometimesoverlyinvolved,andintermittentlywithdrawn,"saysSuh.It'stheunpredictablefluctuationbetweencaregiversbeingemotionallyavailableandthendistantthatleadschildrentobeanxiousaboutalltheirfuturerelationships,Mancaoadds. Avoidantattachment:Caregiversarenotresponsive,andtheyareoftendismissiveanddistant,Suhexplains.They'reconsistentlyemotionallydisconnectedfromtheirchild,"resultinginthechildbelievingthattheirneedswon'tgetmet,"Mancaosays. Fearful-avoidantattachment:"Thetypeofanenvironmentthatinfluencesadisorganizedattachmentinvolvesacaregiverwhoisfrighteningortraumatizing,leadingtothechildtoexperienceadeepsenseoffearandalackoftrustinothersdespitewantingcloseconnections,"Mancaosays.Theymaybeneglectfulorevenabusive,Suhadds,suchthatthechilddevelopsa"poorunderstandingofboundaries"andis"confusedaboutwhatahealthyrelationshiplookslike." Caregiversarenottheonlyoneswhoshapeyourattachmentstyle,however.(Thisisoneofmanythingspeoplegetwrongaboutattachmentstyles.)People'sattachmentstylesmayalsobeinfluencedbyothersignificantrelationshipsthroughouttheirlives."Apersoncanhavehadasecureattachmentduringchildhood,however,betrayalsandinfidelityinadulthoodcanleadtoaninsecureattachment,"saysMancao.  eHarmony.com JoineHarmonytofindsomeonewhomatchesyourattachmentstyle. (Ad) SignUpNow Whatisyourattachmentstyle? Here'sasimpleattachmentstylequiztoidentifyyourownattachmentstyle.Youcanalsotrythisattachmenttestbasedontheparametersstudiedinthescientificresearch,createdbyR.ChrisFraley,Ph.D.,apsychologistattheUniversityofIllinoiswhohasresearchedattachmenttheoryindepth.Ingeneral,though,manypeoplecanreadthedescriptionsofthefourattachmentstylesandintuitivelyrecognizethemselvesinoneofthem.Here'saquickgut-checkforyou:BelowarethedescriptionsofthemainattachmenttypesusedinHazanandShaver'sfoundationalresearchonattachmenttheory.Readthestatementsandpicktheonethatmostresonateswithyou: Ifinditrelativelyeasytogetclosetoothersandamcomfortabledependingonthemandhavingthemdependonme.Idon'toftenworryaboutbeingabandonedoraboutsomeonegettingtooclosetome. IfindthatothersarereluctanttogetascloseasIwouldlike.Ioftenworrythatmypartnerdoesn'treallylovemeorwon'twanttostaywithme.Iwanttomergecompletelywithanotherperson,andthisdesiresometimesscarespeopleaway. Iamsomewhatuncomfortablebeingclosetoothers;Ifinditdifficulttotrustthemcompletely,difficulttoallowmyselftodependonthem.Iamnervouswhenanyonegetstooclose,andoften,lovepartnerswantmetobemoreintimatethanIfeelcomfortablebeing. Onceyou'vepickedthenumberyoumostresonatewith,scrollbackuptotheearlierdescriptionsofeachattachmentstyleatthestartofthisarticle.Thenumbersherealignwiththenumbersupthere.(Note:Fearful-avoidantattachment,thefourthattachmenttype,wasnotstudiedinHazanandShaver'sresearchandisnotincludedabove.It'sgenerallymorerare.Fraley'squizlinkedabovemaytellyouifyoufallinthiscategory.Butingeneral,ifyoususpectyoumighthavethisattachmenttype,reachouttoamentalhealthprofessionalwhocanhelpyouunpackthesemorechaotictendenciesandpossibletraumainyourpast.)Importantly,it'salsopossibletohaveadifferentattachmentstyleindifferentsituations,accordingtoMancao. "Whilewemayhaveaprimaryattachmentstyle,dependingonourrelationships,wemayfeelmoresecurewithonepersonthanwedowithanother,"sheexplains."Formanypeople,theirattachmentstyleisnotthesameineveryrelationshiptheyencounter.Thingsthatcontributetothisaretheircounterpart's(romanticorplatonic)personalityandfeelingsofsafety." Thehistoryofattachmenttheoryresearch. Althoughoftenreferencedas"Bowlby'sattachmenttheory,"attachmenttheoryasweknowittodaywasdevelopedbyseveralresearchersoverthecourseofthelate20thcentury.BritishpsychoanalystJohnBowlbydevelopedtheconceptofattachmentbehaviorsaroundthe1950s.Histheorywasthatchildren'stendencytoemotionallyattachtotheircaregiversandtobecomedistressedandseekthemoutintheirabsencewasanadaptiveevolutionarytrait,somethingthatallowedchildrentosurvivebyclingingtoanattachmentfigurewhoprovidedsupport,protection,andcarewhentheyweretooyoungtocareforthemselves.MaryAinsworth,apsychologistandoneofBowlby'scolleagues,expandedonBowlby'soriginalattachmenttheorybyidentifyingindividualdifferencesinhowinfantshandledseparationsfromtheirparents.Herfamous"strangesituation"experimentin1969identifiedfourattachmenttypesamonginfants:secure,anxious-resistant,avoidant,anddisorganized.Laterinthe1980s,socialpsychologistsCindyHazanandPhillipShaverbegantoapplyAinsworthandBowlby'sattachmenttheorytoadultromanticrelationships,givingbirthtotheconceptoftheadultattachmentstylesweknowtoday.In1998,researchpsychologistKellyBrennanandhercolleaguesfurtherexpandedonadultattachment,demonstratingtwodistinctdimensionsthatshapeattachmentpatterns:attachment-relatedanxietyandattachment-relatedavoidance.Peoplecanbelowinboth,highinoneandlowintheother,orhighinboth,whichdeterminestheirattachmentstyle.(Seeabovegraphic.)Today,there'ssomecriticismofattachmenttheoryamongpsychologistswhosayit'sastretchtobelievecaregiverscansodramaticallyshapeinfants'personalitiesatsuchayoungage.Indeed,thusfar,studiesattemptingtodrawalinebetweeninfantattachmentpatternsandtheiradultattachmentstyleshaveonlyfound"smalltomoderate"correlations,accordingtoFraleyhimself."Basedonthesekindsofstudies,itseemslikelythatattachmentstylesinthechild-parentdomainandattachmentstylesintheromanticrelationshipdomainareonlymoderatelyrelatedatbest,"FraleywritesinaUniversityofIllinoisarticle.Buttheconceptofattachmentstylesisenduringforareason:Itgivespeoplelanguagetodescribethedistinctwaystheyshowupintheirrelationships,anditchallengesthemtolooktotheirpastexperiencestohelpthemunderstandwhytheyarethewaytheyare. MaryAinsworthandthestrangesituation. In1969andsubsequentyears,psychologistMaryAinsworthandhercolleaguesranexperimentsknownasTheStrangeSituationthatidentifiedandobservedattachmentbehaviorsinchildren.Herteambroughtmothersandtheirinfantsintothelabandhadthemplayinaroomwithtoysonthefloorandwithvariousotheradultscominginandoutoftheroom.Atsomepoint,themotherswouldgetupandleavetheroomwithouttheirchild.Afterawhile,they'dreturn.Theresearcherswantedtoobservehowchildrenrespondedfirsttotheircaregiverleavingandlatertotheircaregiverreturningtothem.Herearesomeofthepatternstheyobserved: Somechildrenexploredandplayedfreelywhentheirmotherwasintheroom,becamedistressedwhensheleft,andthenwereabletobesoothedandcomforteduponherreturn.Thesechildrenwerelabeledassecurelyattached. Somechildrentendedtoavoidorignoremothersevenbeforesheleftandshowedlittleemotionwhenleftandwhenshereturned.Ainsworthandhercolleagueshypothesizedthatthisavoidantbehaviormaskedtheirtruedistress,andsomefurtherresearchtrackingavoidantinfants'heartratesconfirmedthistheory.Thesechildrenwerelabeledasanxious-avoidant. Somechildrenwerealreadyabitdistressedbeforethemotherleft,showedsignificantdistresswhenshedid,andwerehardtocomfortwhenshereturned.Theresearcherssometimesobservedadesireto"punish"theirmothersforleavingbycontinuingtoactoutdespitebeingrelievedthatshe'dreturned.Thesechildrenwerelabeledanxious-ambivalentoranxious-resistant. Finally,somechildrenshowedlargelyinconsistentbehaviors,includinggeneralaimlessnessthroughouttheexperiment,fearofthecaregiver,orevenaggressivenesstowardthem.Sometimesthey'dhavethesemomentsofout-of-placebehaviorsandthenfallintooneoftheothercategories,orthey'dbeamixofseveral.Thesechildrenwerelabeledashavingdisorganizedattachment.  Canyourattachmentstylechange? "Yes,itispossibleforapersontochangetheirattachmentstyle,"Mancaosays."However,thistakesalotofwork,patience,andintentionifapersonisshiftingfromaninsecuretoasecureattachmentstrategy."Hereareafewwaystostart:  1. Identifyyourrelationshippatterns. Startbythinkingaboutyourrelationshipwithyourparentsasachild,saysSuh.Sherecommendsaskingyourselfquestionslike: Howweretheytowardyouasachild? Howdidyourespondtothem? Towhomdidyougoforcomfortwhenyouhadaproblem? Weretheynegligentorreliable? Thiswillhelpyougetmoreclarityonwhatmayhaveshapedyourattachmentstyle."Assessyourcurrentandpastattachmentstyleandidentifyifthereareanypatternsinchoosingromanticpartners,"Suhsays."Beawareofyourchildhoodhistory;thefamiliarityiscomforting,whetheritwasgoodorbad.Meaning,yourpastunhealthyrelationshippatternsfromchildhoodcanrecreateinadulthood." 2. Workonyourself-esteem. Lowself-esteemisacommoncharacteristicacrossallinsecureattachmentstyles,saysSuh."Learntoembrace,value,love,andcareforyourselffirst,"sherecommends."Ifyoucannotfathomwhatself-loveisbecauseyouwereneglected,abused,anddismissedasachild,youcanstartwithself-toleranceandself-neutrality.Thiscanlooklike,'I'maperson,andeveryonedeservestobevalued'insteadofforcingyourselfwithemptywordsof,'I'mbeautifulandvaluable.'" (Here'smoreonlearningtoloveyourself,plushowtoraiseyourself-esteemafterabreakupspecifically.) 3. Getintouchwithyourrealneeds. Attheendoftheday,allinsecureattachmentstylesarepeoplewhotendtoforminsecurerelationshipsbecauseofdeeplyheldfearsthattheirrelationshipswillnotworkout.Soit'simportanttofigureouthowtomakeyourselffeelmoresecureinyourrelationships.Partofthatinvolvesbeingawareofwhatyourneedsanddesiresareinrelationships. "Learntobeassertiveandsetboundaries.Honorwhatyoufeel,andexpressyourneedsinwordswithoutmanipulationandhiddenmeanings,"Suhsays."Securelyattachedpeopleareoftendirectandappropriatelyconfrontationaltocreateahealthyandmeaningfulrelationship." 4. Don'tbeafraidtoseektherapy. "Therapyishelpful,bothindividualandcouples,"Suhsays."Aqualitytherapistwillhelpyoutodiveintoyourattachmentstyle,pastwounds,waystoidentify,establishappropriateboundaries,andpromoteahealthyrelationship." Readmorestellarmbgstories: Yourdailydoseofhealth,beauty,spirituality&more: Signupforournewsletter! 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