How Attachment Styles Affect Adult Relationships

Adults with an avoidant-dismissive insecure attachment style are the opposite of those who are ambivalent or anxious-preoccupied. Instead of craving intimacy, ... HelpGuideusescookiestoimproveyourexperienceandtoanalyzeperformanceandtrafficonourwebsite.PrivacyPolicyAcceptCookiePolicylove&friendshipHowAttachmentStylesAffectAdultRelationshipsStrugglingwithrelationshipproblems?Thecausemaybetheattachmentstyleyoudevelopedwithyourprimarycaregiverasaninfant.Here’showtorecognizeinsecureattachmentandbuildstronger,healthierconnections.Whatisattachment?Attachment,ortheattachmentbond,istheemotionalconnectionyouformedasaninfantwithyourprimarycaregiver—probablyyourmother.Accordingtoattachmenttheory,pioneeredbyBritishpsychiatristJohnBowlbyandAmericanpsychologistMaryAinsworth,thequalityofthebondingyouexperiencedduringthisfirstrelationshipoftendetermineshowwellyourelatetootherpeopleandrespondtointimacythroughoutlife.Ifyourprimarycaretakermadeyoufeelsafeandunderstoodasaninfant,iftheywereabletorespondtoyourcriesandaccuratelyinterpretyourchangingphysicalandemotionalneeds,thenyoulikelydevelopedasuccessful,secureattachment.Asanadult,thatusuallytranslatestobeingself-confident,trusting,andhopeful,withanabilitytohealthilymanageconflict,respondtointimacy,andnavigatetheupsanddownsofromanticrelationships.Ifyouexperiencedconfusing,frightening,orinconsistentemotionalcommunicationduringinfancy,though,ifyourcaregiverwasunabletoconsistentlycomfortyouorrespondtoyourneeds,you’remorelikelytohaveexperiencedanunsuccessfulorinsecureattachment.Infantswithinsecureattachmentoftengrowintoadultswhohavedifficultyunderstandingtheirownemotionsandthefeelingsofothers,limitingtheirabilitytobuildormaintainstablerelationships.Theymayfinditdifficulttoconnecttoothers,shyawayfromintimacy,orbetooclingy,fearful,oranxiousinarelationship.Ofcourse,experiencesthatoccurbetweeninfancyandadulthoodcanalsoimpactandshapeourrelationships.However,theinfantbrainissoprofoundlyinfluencedbytheattachmentbond,understandingyourattachmentstylecanoffervitalcluesastowhyyoumaybehavingproblemsinyouradultrelationships.Perhapsyoubehaveinpuzzlingorself-destructivewayswhenyou’reinacloserelationship?Maybeyourepeatedlymakethesamemistakesoverandover?Ormaybeyoustruggletoformmeaningfulconnectionsinthefirstplace?[Read:WhatisSecureAttachmentandBonding?]Whateveryourspecificrelationshipproblems,it’simportanttoknowthatyourbrainremainscapableofchangethroughoutlife.Byidentifyingyourattachmentstyle,youcanlearntochallengeyourinsecurities,developamoresecurelyattachedwayofrelatingtoothers,andbuildstronger,healthier,andmorefulfillingrelationships.AffordableOnlineTherapyNearly3MillionpeoplehaveturnedtoBetterHelpforprofessionalonlinetherapy.Takethequizandgetmatchedwithatherapistthatfitsyourneeds.GET20%OFFHelpGuideisreadersupported.WemayreceiveacommissionifyousignupforBetterHelpthroughtheprovidedlink.Learnmore.Needurgenthelp?Clickhere.AttachmentstylesandhowtheyshapeadultrelationshipsAttachmentstylesortypesarecharacterizedbythebehaviorexhibitedwithinarelationship,especiallywhenthatrelationshipisthreatened.Forexample,someonewithasecureattachmentstylemaybeabletosharetheirfeelingsopenlyandseeksupportwhenfacedwithrelationshipproblems.Thosewithinsecureattachmentstyles,ontheotherhand,maytendtobecomeneedyorclingyintheirclosestrelationships,behaveinselfishormanipulativewayswhenfeelingvulnerable,orsimplyshyawayfromintimacyaltogether.Understandinghowyourattachmentstyleshapesandinfluencesyourintimaterelationshipscanhelpyoumakesenseofyourownbehavior,howyouperceiveyourpartner,andhowyourespondtointimacy.Identifyingthesepatternscanthenhelpyouclarifywhatyouneedinarelationshipandthebestwaytoovercomeproblems.Whileattachmentstylesarelargelyshapedbytheinfant-primarycaregiverconnection,especiallyduringthefirstyear,it’simportanttonotethatthestrengthofattachmentisnotbasedsolelyonthelevelofparentalloveorthequalityofcareaninfantreceives.Rather,attachmentisfoundedonthenonverbalemotionalcommunicationdevelopedbetweencaregiverandinfant.[Read:NonverbalCommunicationandBodyLanguage]Aninfantcommunicatestheirfeelingsbysendingnonverbalsignalssuchascrying,cooing,orlaterpointingandsmiling.Inreturn,thecaregiverreadsandinterpretsthesecues,respondingtosatisfythechild’sneedforfood,comfort,oraffection.Whenthisnonverbalcommunicationissuccessful,asecureattachmentdevelops.Thesuccessofattachmentisn’timpactedbysocio-economicfactorssuchaswealth,education,ethnicity,orculture.Neitherishavinganinsecureattachmentstyleasanadultreasontoblameallyourrelationshipproblemsontoyourparent.Yourpersonalityandinterveningexperiencesduringchildhood,adolescence,andadultlifecanalsoplayaroleinshapingyourattachmentstyle.TypesofattachmentBeyondcategorizingattachmentassecureorinsecure,therearesubsetsofinsecureattachmentwhichgiveusfourmainattachmentstyles:SecureattachmentAmbivalent(oranxious-preoccupied)attachmentAvoidant-dismissiveattachmentDisorganizedattachmentSecureattachmentstyle:whatitlookslikeEmpatheticandabletosetappropriateboundaries,peoplewithsecureattachmenttendtofeelsafe,stable,andmoresatisfiedintheircloserelationships.Whiletheydon’tfearbeingontheirown,theyusuallythriveinclose,meaningfulrelationships.HowsecureattachmentstyleaffectsadultrelationshipsHavingasecureattachmentstyledoesn’tmeanyou’reperfectoryoudon’texperiencerelationshipproblems.Butyoulikelyfeelsecureenoughtotakeresponsibilityforyourownmistakesandfailings,andarewillingtoseekhelpandsupportwhenyouneedit.Youappreciateyourownself-worthandyou’reabletobeyourselfinanintimaterelationship.You’recomfortableexpressingyourfeelings,hopes,andneeds.Youfindsatisfactioninbeingwithothers,openlyseeksupportandcomfortfromyourpartner,butdon’tgetoverlyanxiouswhenthetwoofyouareapart.You’resimilarlyhappyforyourpartnertorelyonyouforsupport.You’reabletomaintainyouremotionalbalanceandseekhealthywaystomanageconflictinacloserelationship.Whenfacedwithdisappointment,setbacks,andmisfortuneinyourrelationshipsaswellasotherpartsofyourlife,you’reresilientenoughtobounceback.PrimarycaregiverrelationshipAssomeonewithasecureattachmentstyle,it’slikelyyourprimarycaretakerwasabletostayengagedwithyouasaninfantandeffectivelymanagetheirownstressaswellascalmandsootheyouwhenyouweredistressed.Theymadeyoufeelsafeandsecure,communicatedthroughemotion,andrespondedtoyourchangingneedsonaregularbasis,enablingyournervoussystemtobecome“securelyattached.”Ofcourse,noparentorcaregiverisperfectandnoonecanbefullypresentandattentivetoaninfant24hoursaday.Infact,that’snotnecessarytoestablishsecureattachmentinachild.Butwhenyourcaregivermissedyournonverbalcues,it’slikelytheycontinuedtryingtofigureoutwhatyouneeded,keepingthesecureattachmentprocessontrack.Thestrongfoundationofasecureattachmentbondenabledyouasachildtobeself-confident,trusting,hopeful,andcomfortableinthefaceofconflict.Secureorinsecure?Somepeoplemayidentifywithsomebutnotallofthecharacteristicsofsecureattachment.Evenifyourrelationshipstendtobestable,it’spossiblethatyouhavespecificpatternsofbehaviororthinkingthatcauseconflictwithyourpartnerandneedtobeactivelyaddressed.Startbyseeingifyourelatetoanyaspectsofthefollowingthreeinsecureattachmentstyles.Ambivalentoranxious-preoccupiedattachmentstylePeoplewithanambivalentattachmentstyle(alsoreferredtoas“anxious-preoccupied,”“ambivalent-anxious,”orsimply“anxiousattachment”)tendtobeoverlyneedy.Asthelabelssuggest,peoplewiththisattachmentstyleareoftenanxiousanduncertain,lackinginself-esteem.Theycraveemotionalintimacybutworrythatothersdon’twanttobewiththem.HowambivalentattachmentstyleaffectsadultrelationshipsIfyouhaveanambivalentoranxious-preoccupiedattachmentstyle,youmaybeembarrassedaboutbeingtooclingyoryourconstantneedforloveandattention.Oryoumayfeelworndownbyfearandanxietyaboutwhetheryourpartnerreallylovesyou.Youwanttobeinarelationshipandcravefeelingsofclosenessandintimacywithasignificantother,butyoustruggletofeelthatyoucantrustorfullyrelyonyourpartner.Beinginanintimaterelationshiptendstotakeoveryourlifeandyoubecomeoverlyfixatedontheotherperson.Youmayfinditdifficulttoobserveboundaries,viewingspacebetweenyouasathreat,somethingthatcanprovokepanic,anger,orfearthatyourpartnernolongerwantsyou.Alotofyoursenseofself-worthrestsonhowyoufeelyou’rebeingtreatedintherelationshipandyoutendtooverreacttoanyperceivedthreatstotherelationship.Youfeelanxiousorjealouswhenawayfromyourpartnerandmayuseguilt,controllingbehavior,orothermanipulativetacticstokeepthemclose.Youneedconstantreassuranceandlotsofattentionfromyourpartner.Othersmaycriticizeyouforbeingtooneedyorclingyandyoumaystruggletomaintaincloserelationships.PrimarycaregiverrelationshipIt’slikelyyourparentorprimarycaregiverwasinconsistentintheirparentingstyle,sometimesengagedandresponsivetoyourneedsasaninfant,othertimesunavailableordistracted.Thisinconsistencymayhaveleftyoufeelinganxiousanduncertainaboutwhetheryourneedsinthis“first”relationshipwouldbemet,andthusprovideamodelforyourbehaviorinlaterrelationships.Avoidant-dismissiveattachmentstyleAdultswithanavoidant-dismissiveinsecureattachmentstylearetheoppositeofthosewhoareambivalentoranxious-preoccupied.Insteadofcravingintimacy,they’resowaryofclosenesstheytrytoavoidemotionalconnectionwithothers.They’drathernotrelyonothers,orhaveothersrelyonthem.HowavoidantattachmentstyleaffectsadultrelationshipsAssomeonewithanavoidant-dismissiveattachmentstyle,youtendtofinditdifficulttotolerateemotionalintimacy.Youvalueyourindependenceandfreedomtothepointwhereyoucanfeeluncomfortablewith,evenstifledby,intimacyandclosenessinaromanticrelationship.You’reanindependentperson,contenttocareforyourselfanddon’tfeelyouneedothers.Themoresomeonetriestogetclosetoyouortheneedierapartnerbecomes,themoreyoutendtowithdraw.You’reuncomfortablewithyouremotionsandpartnersoftenaccuseyouofbeingdistantandclosedoff,rigidandintolerant.Inreturn,youaccusethemofbeingtooneedy.You’repronetominimizeordisregardyourpartner’sfeelings,keepsecretsfromthem,engageinaffairs,andevenendrelationshipsinordertoregainyoursenseoffreedom.Youmaypreferfleeting,casualrelationshipstolong-termintimateones,oryouseekoutpartnerswhoareequallyindependent,oneswho’llkeeptheirdistanceemotionally.Whileyoumaythinkyoudon’tneedcloserelationshipsorintimacy,thetruthiswealldo.Humansarehardwiredforconnectionanddeepdown,evensomeonewithanavoidant-dismissiveattachmentstylewantsaclosemeaningfulrelationship—ifonlytheycouldovercometheirdeep-seatedfearsofintimacy.PrimarycaregiverrelationshipAnavoidant-dismissiveattachmentstyleoftenstemsfromaparentwhowasunavailableorrejectingduringyourinfancy.Sinceyourneedswereneverregularlyorpredictablymetbyyourcaregiver,youwereforcedtodistanceyourselfemotionallyandtrytoself-soothe.Thisbuiltafoundationofavoidingintimacyandcravingindependenceinlaterlife—evenwhenthatindependenceandlackofintimacycausesitsowndistress.Disorganized/disorientedattachmentstyleDisorganized/disorientedattachment,alsoreferredtoasfearful-avoidantattachment,stemsfromintensefear,oftenasaresultofchildhoodtrauma,neglect,orabuse.Adultswiththisstyleofinsecureattachmenttendtofeeltheydon’tdeserveloveorclosenessinarelationship.HowdisorganizedattachmentstyleaffectsadultrelationshipsIfyouhaveadisorganizedattachmentstyle,you’velikelyneverlearnedtoself-sootheyouremotions,sobothrelationshipsandtheworldaroundyoucanfeelfrighteningandunsafe.Ifyouexperiencedabuseasachild,youmaytrytoreplicatethesameabusivepatternsofbehaviorasanadult.Youprobablyfindintimaterelationshipsconfusingandunsettling,oftenswingingbetweenemotionalextremesofloveandhateforapartner.Youmaybeinsensitivetowardsyourpartner,selfish,controlling,anduntrusting,whichcanleadtoexplosiveorevenabusivebehavior.Andyoucanbejustashardonyourselfasyouareonothers.Youmayexhibitantisocialornegativebehaviorpatterns,abusealcoholordrugs,orpronetoaggressionorviolence.Othersmaydespairatyourrefusaltotakeresponsibilityforyouractions.Whileyoucravethesecurityandsafetyofameaningful,intimaterelationship,youalsofeelunworthyofloveandterrifiedofgettinghurtagain.Yourchildhoodmayhavebeenshapedbyabuse,neglect,ortrauma.PrimarycaregiverrelationshipIfyourprimarycaregiverwasdealingwithunresolvedtraumathemselves,itcanleadtotheintensefearassociatedwithadisorganized/disorientedattachmentstyle.Oftentheparentactedasbothasourceoffearandcomfortforyouasaninfant,triggeringtheconfusionanddisorientationyoufeelaboutrelationshipsnow.Inothercases,yourparentalfiguremayhaveignoredoroverlookedyourneedsasaninfant,ortheirerratic,chaoticbehaviorcouldhavebeenfrighteningortraumatizingtoyou.CausesofinsecureattachmentTherearemanyreasonswhyevenaloving,conscientiousparentmaynotbesuccessfulatcreatingasecureattachmentbondwithaninfant.Thecausesofyourinsecureattachmentcouldinclude:Havingayoungorinexperiencedmother,lackinginthenecessaryparentingskills.Yourcaregiverexperienceddepressioncausedbyisolation,lackofsocialsupport,orhormonalproblems,forexample,forcingthemtowithdrawfromthecaregivingrole.Yourprimarycaregiver’saddictiontoalcoholorotherdrugsreducedtheirabilitytoaccuratelyinterpretorrespondtoyourphysicaloremotionalneeds.Traumaticexperiences,suchasaseriousillnessoraccidentwhichinterruptedtheattachmentprocess.Physicalneglect,suchaspoornutrition,insufficientexercise,orneglectofmedicalissues.Emotionalneglectorabuse.Forexample,yourcaregiverpaidlittleattentiontoyouasachild,madescantefforttounderstandyourfeelings,orengagedinverbalabuse.Physicalorsexualabuse,whetherphysicalinjuryorviolation.Separationfromyourprimarycaregiverduetoillness,death,divorce,oradoption.Inconsistencyintheprimarycaregiver.Youexperiencedasuccessionofnanniesorstaffatdaycarecenters,forexample.Frequentmovesorplacements.Forexample,youconstantlychangedenvironmentduetospendingyourearlyyearsinorphanagesormovingbetweenfosterhomes.GettinghelpforinsecureattachmentIfyourecognizeaninsecureattachmentstyleineitheryourselforyourromanticpartner,it’simportanttoknowthatyoudon’thavetoresignyourselvestoenduringthesameattitudes,expectations,orpatternsofbehaviorthroughoutlife.Itispossibletochangeandyoucandevelopamoresecureattachmentstyleasanadult.Therapycanbeinvaluable,whetherit’sworkingone-on-onewithatherapistorwithyourcurrentpartnerincouplescounselling.Atherapistexperiencedinattachmenttheorycanhelpyoumakesenseofyourpastemotionalexperienceandbecomemoresecure,eitheronyourownorasacouple.[Read:FindingaTherapisttoHelpYouHeal]Ifyoudon’thaveaccesstoappropriatetherapy,therearestillplentyofthingsyoucandoonyourowntobuildamoresecureattachmentstyle.Tostart,learnallyoucanaboutyourinsecureattachmentstyle.Themoreyouunderstand,thebetteryou’llbeabletorecognize—andcorrect—thereflexiveattitudesandbehaviorsofinsecureattachmentthatmaybecontributingtoyourrelationshipproblems.Thefollowingtipscanalsohelpyoutransitiontoamoresecureattachmentstyle:1.ImproveyournonverbalcommunicationskillsOneofthemostimportantlessonsgleanedfromattachmenttheoryisthatadultrelationships,justlikethefirstrelationshipyouhavewithyourprimarycaregiver,dependfortheirsuccessonnonverbalformsofcommunication.Eventhoughyoumaynotbeawareofit,whenyouinteractwithothers,youcontinuouslygiveandreceivewordlesssignalsviathegesturesyoumake,yourposture,howmucheyecontactyoumakeandthelike.Thesenonverbalcuessendstrongmessagesaboutwhatyoureallyfeel.Atanyage,developinghowwellyouread,interpret,andcommunicatenonverballycanhelpimproveanddeepenyourrelationshipswithotherpeople.Youcanlearntoimprovetheseskillsbybeingpresentinthemoment,learningtomanagestress,anddevelopingyouremotionalawareness.[Read:NonverbalCommunicationandBodyLanguage]2.BoostyouremotionalintelligenceEmotionalintelligence(otherwiseknownasemotionalquotientorEQ)istheabilitytounderstand,use,andmanageyourownemotionsinpositivewaystoempathizewithyourpartner,communicatemoreeffectively,anddealwithconflictinahealthierway.Aswellashelpingtoimprovehowwellyoureadandusenonverbalcommunication,buildingemotionalintelligencecanhelpstrengthenaromanticrelationship.Byunderstandingyouremotionsandhowtocontrolthem,you’llbebetterabletoexpressyourneedsandfeelingstoyourpartner,aswellasunderstandhowyourpartnerisreallyfeeling,too.[Read:ImprovingEmotionalIntelligence(EQ)]3.DeveloprelationshipswithpeoplewhoaresecurelyattachedBeinginarelationshipwithanotherpersonwhoalsohasaninsecureattachmentstylecanmakeforaunionthat’soutofsyncatbest,rocky,confusing,orevenpainfulatworst.Whileyoucanworkthroughyourinsecuritiestogetherasacouple,ifyou’resingleitcanhelptolookforapartnerwithasecureattachmentstyletohelpshiftyouawayfromthenegativepatternsofthinkingandbehaving.Astrong,supportiverelationshipwithsomeonewhomakesyoufeellovedcanplayanimportantpartinbuildingyoursenseofsecurity.Estimatesvary,butresearchsuggeststhat50to60percentofpeoplehaveasecureattachmentstyle,sothere’sagoodchanceoffindingaromanticpartnerwhocanhelpyouovercomeyourinsecurities.Similarly,developingstrongfriendshipswiththeseindividualscanalsohelpyourecognizeandadoptnewpatternsofbehavior.[Read:DatingTipsforFindingtheRightPerson]4.ResolveanychildhoodtraumaAsdiscussedabove,experiencingtraumaasaninfantoryoungchildcaninterrupttheattachmentandbondingprocess.Childhoodtraumacanresultfromanythingthatimpactsyoursenseofsafety,suchasanunsafeorunstablehomeenvironment,separationfromyourprimarycaregiver,seriousillness,neglect,orabuse.Whenchildhoodtraumaisnotresolved,feelingsofinsecurity,fear,andhelplessnesscancontinueintoadulthood.Evenifyourtraumahappenedmanyyearsago,therearestepsyoucantaketoovercomethepain,regainyouremotionalbalance,andlearntotrustandconnectinrelationshipsagain.[Read:EmotionalandPsychologicalTrauma]Authors:LawrenceRobinson,JeanneSegal,Ph.D.,andJaellineJaffe,Ph.D.Lastupdated:August31,2022RelatedNonverbalCommunicationandBodyLanguageEffectiveCommunicationCodependencyWhatisSecureAttachmentandBonding?TryonlinetherapyGetprofessionalhelpfromBetterHelp’snetworkof20,000licensedtherapists.Getmatchedandscheduleyourfirstvideo,phoneorlivechatsession.GET20%OFFHelpGuideisreadersupported.WemayreceiveacommissionifyoufollowlinkstoBetterHelp.Learnmore.