Dismissive Avoidant Attachment: What Is It & 7 Obvious Signs

Dismissive avoidant attachment consists of people who desire emotional distance and a high level of independence in relationships. NCRWMenuCloseHomeMorePostsDatingAdviceRelationshipAdviceBreakupsUnderstandingMenHowToBeAHighValueWomanAttachmentTheoryOthersAboutContactUs DismissiveAvoidantAttachment:WhatIsIt&7ObviousSignsAuthor:PaulR.Brian&RenéeShenTheattachmentstylesisaframeworkthatdescribesthetypicalpatternsinwhichpeoplegiveandreceiveloveinrelationships. Theattachmentstylesaredividedintotwomaincategories:insecureattachmentandsecureattachment.Dismissiveavoidantsfallundertheinsecureattachmentcategory.Dismissiveavoidantattachmentconsistsofpeoplewhodesireemotionaldistanceandahighlevelofindependenceinrelationships.Theyfeartoomuchemotionalandphysicalintimacy,oftenbecauseofwoundsandneglectthatoccurredintheirearlyyears. Dismissiveavoidantindividualstendtobecomestifledandavoidantwhentheygetclosetopeople.Interestingly,thepartnerofanavoidantcoulddesireatotallyhealthyamountofintimacy,buttheavoidantwillstillfeelrepelledbyit.QUIZTIME:DoIhavesecureorinsecureattachmentpatterns?CLICKHEREtofindoutwithourspeciallycraftedwomen-specific10QuestionQuiz!(Whyisthisimportant?Itisbecauseyourcoreattachmentstylelargelydictatesandinfluenceswhathappensinyourrelationship.Thusit’simperativeyouunderstandyourcoreattachmentstyle!) TableofContents WhatIsDismissiveAvoidantAttachment?7ObviousSignsofDismissiveAvoidantAttachment1. AnIntenseFearOfBeingAbandoned2.AnOverwhelmingNeedForIndependence&‘Space’3.DifficultyTrustingOthers 4.ADesireForTheRelationshipToBePerfect 5.ObsessiveComparisonsToPreviousRelationships 6.FrequentAndIntenseJealousy7.TheyTurnMinorConflictsIntoSeriousFights HowCanYouTellIfSomeoneIsDismissiveAvoidant?FrequentlyAskedQuestionsOnDismissiveAvoidantAttachmentStyleHowDismissiveAvoidantAttachmentAffectsRelationships?What’sthedifferencebetweensomeonewhoisjustabitemotionallydistantandsomeonewhohasadismissiveavoidantattachmentstyle? WhatIsDismissiveAvoidantAttachment?Dismissiveavoidantattachmentmanifestsdifferentlyineveryperson,butisgenerallycharacterizedby: Afearofopeninguptofullytrustingandlovinganotherperson;andAgeneralavoidanceofintimacy(andthat’sallkindsofintimacy,notjustsexualintimacy)Recommended:FearfulAvoidantVsDismissiveAvoidant:Differences&FAQ.AsIwrote,therootsofdismissiveavoidantattachmentareusuallyfoundinearlychildhood. Itisatypeofrelationalpatternthatdevelopsduetoinsufficientnurturingandresponsivenessfromcaregiversstartingfrominfancy.Itcanalsobelinkedtosexualorpsychologicalabuse,butdoesn’thavetobe. Ourattachmentstylesaren’trandom.Theyareconnectedtothewaywewereraisedandtheexperienceswehadininfancyandlateron,childhood.Whenitcomestothedismissiveavoidantindividual,theyseethemselvesasself-reliantandinvulnerable. Theyexperiencefeelingsassociatedwithbeingintimatelyconnectedtoothersasathreatoraweaknessthatcouldhurtor“expose”them.Peoplelikethattendtorepressandhidetheirfeelings.Theydealwithemotionsbydistancingthemselvesandlyingtothemselvesaboutwhattheyarefeeling. Peoplewiththisstyleofattachmenthavemixedfeelingsaboutintimaterelationshipsinthebestcasescenario. Intheworstcasescenario,theymayhavenofeelingsatall,duetocompletelydetachingfromtheirinnatehumanneedforclosenessandintimacy. Ontheonehand,theydowishtohaveemotionallyandphysicallyintimaterelationshipsdeepdowninside. Ontheotherhand,theytendtofeeluncomfortablewithemotionalandphysicalintimacywhenitisaskedofthem. Theyarewellknownasthetypeofpeoplewhofleewhenrelationshipsgettooclose,intenseorlong-term. Theseconflictedfeelingsarecombinedwith,sometimessubconsciously,negativeopinionsaboutthemselvesandtheirpartnersaswellaslowself-esteem. Ifyou’rewonderingwhydismissiveavoidantsmayhavenegativeopinionsaboutthemselves,considerthis:Ifasababyandchildyoufeltscaredandlonely(likebabiesdo),andyoucriedoutforwarmth,safetyandaffectionbutyouwererepeatedlyignored,whatwouldhappeninsideofyou?Youwouldlikelydevelopasubconsciousbeliefthatyou’renotworthyoflove.Soalthoughpeoplewithdismissiveavoidantattachmentseemtoactlikethey’re“above”allthatintimacystuff,andthoughtheytendtobecriticalofothers,it’snotactuallybecausetheytrulyfeelsuperior.Rather,it’sbecausetheysecretlyfeelunworthy.WhatIsTheOneSpecificEmotionalTriggerWithinEverySingleManinthisWorldThatInspiresHimtoWANTtoCommittoOneWoman,WanttoTakeCareofHer,WorshipHerandOnlyHer?7ObviousSignsofDismissiveAvoidantAttachment1. AnIntenseFearOfBeingAbandonedAvoidanceoflong-termrelationshipsbecauseofanintensefearofabandonmentisoneofthemainsignsofinsecurityinloveandit’saprimaryindicatorofdismissiveavoidantattachment. Infact,itisthestartingpointforconfirmingordenyingthispatternofbehavior. MORE:15ShockingSignsOfAbandonmentIssuesInAdults.Anormalfearofintimacyandgettingtooclosemaycropupfromtimetotime.Butanintenseobsessionandparalyzingfocusonwhatcouldgowronginloveisoftenthesignofadismissiveavoidantattachmentthatgoesmuchdeeper. Inordertoavoidthepotentialpainofbeingabandoned(whichdismissiveavoidantsexpectwillalwayshappentothem),thedismissiveavoidantindividualavoidsrelationshipsaltogetheranddoesnotgivehisorherheartaway. Thedismissiveavoidantindividualwilltendtohavemanyjustificationsfornotbeinginrelationships,includingbelievingtheyarenotgoodenoughorjusthaven’tmettherightperson.Whetherornotit’struetosomedegreethattheyhaven’tmetagoodmatch,theywillalwaysseemtofindanewreasonwhyalong-termrelationshipisn’tpossible. 2.AnOverwhelmingNeedForIndependence&‘Space’Dismissiveavoidantattachmentoftenmanifestswhenthepersonpreferstoperformmostactivitiesaloneandneedsalargerthanusualamountofindependence. Iftheydohaverelationships,theyareoftenstrainedbythisconstantneedtobealone. Aninterestingthingthathappenswithdismissiveattachmentisthatitdevelopsthroughcontrast. AlthoughthepersonisafraidofabandonmentasImentionedinthepreviouspoint,thisdoesnotpreventthemfrommanifestinganexcessivelyindependentattitudeintherelationship. Inotherwords,theyreallydon’twanttobeleftbehindorendupalone,butoftendon’trealizetheyareleavingtheirpartnerbehindandcreatingunnecessaryspaceintherelationship. Thisbehaviorbeginsinchildhoodandextendsintoadulthood,withalmostidenticalresults. Forexample,thepersonwithdismissiveavoidantattachmentcan: MakedecisionswithoutconsultingtheopinionofthepartnerHideorevenrejectdisplaysofaffectionAssumeadistantorcoldattitude Independenceinthedismissiveavoidantpersondevelopsasaselfprotectivemechanismagainstinsecurityandfearofrejectionandabandonment. Butironically,thissenseofdetachmentandexcessiveneedforindependenceoftenmakesthenon-avoidantpartnerleavethedismissiveavoidantpartner. Inotherwords,theverythingtheavoidantpersonfears(abandonment)isexactlywhattheirbehaviorinspirespeopletodotothem:abandonthem.It’saviciouscycletosaytheleast. Recommended:8SignsAnAvoidantLovesYou&HowToInspireMoreOfIt.3.DifficultyTrustingOthers Trustisacentralpillarinanyrelationship. Thereasonwhymanyrelationshipsendisduetothelackoftrustbetweentheparties,becauseinsecuritycanpreventyoufrombeingabletotrustyourpartner.Thisisespeciallytruewithdismissiveavoidantattachmentstyle. Soonerorlaterthedismissiveavoidantindividual’sinabilitytotrusthisorherpartnerwillendupaffectingtherelationshipinvariousways. Somespecificexamplesoflackoftrustare:doubtsaboutyourpartner'sloyalty,orbelievingtheyarecheatingwhenthey’renot. Rememberthat,inverysimpleterms,trustingmeanstoleratinguncertainty.Butdismissiveavoidantpeopletrusttheirowndetachmentratherthanintimacy(orrelationshipsingeneral). Moresecurelyattachedpeople(whichisabouthalfoftheworld’spopulationaccordingtoscientificstudies)arereasonablyresilientinthefaceofuncertainty.However,thedismissiveavoidantpersoncannotdealwiththisuncertaintywell,becausetheirnervoussystemisconditionedtoavoiditcompletely.Iftheyweretoconfronttheemotionstheyfeelwhentheygetclosetopeople,theywouldfeeltooanxious(whichisthenheadingintotheterritoryofanxiousattachmentstyleoranxiouspreoccupiedattachmentstyle). Forthedismissiveavoidantperson,thisdistrustoftenleadstotheirrelationshipsendingbadly. Ortheydrivetheirpartnermadbecausenothingcanseemtomelttheirwallsandcausethemtotrustintimacyandconnection.Ofcourse,notallpeoplewithdismissiveavoidantattachmentstylearedestinedtobeabandoned.Sometrulywarmandconnectedpeoplewhoaresecurelyattachedcanactuallyhandleanavoidant’speculiarways.Thesesaintlypeoplemaymiraculouslybeabletogetthroughtotheavoidantandbuildagenuinelytrustingrelationshipovertime.QUIZTIME:Areyoutrulylivinginyourfeminineenergy?CLICKHEREtofindoutwithmyspeciallycrafted9QuestionQuiz!4.ADesireForTheRelationshipToBePerfect Duetothefactthatthedismissiveavoidantpersondoesn’tunderstandintimacyandisn’tpulledtostriveforit,theideaofperfectionactsasastand-inforrealintimacy. Ofcourse,thisdesirefortherelationshiptolookandseemperfectisalsooneofthesignsofinsecurityinlovethatcanbeinspiredbytheromanticconceptioninheritedfromsociety. MORE:HowToMakeAnAvoidantMissYou:10ProvenWays.Manytendtoidealizeloveinanextremeway,adoptingtheideaspresentedinsomefilms,seriesandcommercials. Someevenpretendthattherelationshipisperfectattimes,inordertomaintaintheiridealmentalimage. Butwhensomeaspectoftherelationshipdoesn'tagreewiththedismissiveavoidantindividual’sexpectationstheytendtogetveryupset. Theyidealizeandseekperfectionasaformofsubconscioussabotage,oftenlookingforanyjustificationwhytherelationshipisnotgoodenoughorwillletthemdownintheend,justifyingtheiremotionaldistance.SPECIALREPORT:HowtoBecometheWorld’sMostAttractive&FeminineGoddess(Evenifyouhavenoselfesteemornomanhaseverpaidyouanyattention…)CLICKHEREtodownloaditatnocost.5.ObsessiveComparisonsToPreviousRelationships Ifyouconstantlycompareyourcurrentpartnertothepreviousoneinanegativeway,therelationshipcandeteriorateprettyquickly. That’scommonknowledge,becauselivinginthepastisaonewaytickettoabreakup.Butdismissiveavoidantattachmentindividualsoftendothisinanegativesense. Theydoittofindparallelsandassociationsthatmakethemsuspectthattheircurrentrelationshipisgoinginthesamedirection. Comparingeverythingtheydotodaywithwhatthey'vedonewithsomeoneelseinthepastwillneverendpositively,andisyetanotheroneofthesubconscioussabotagetechniquesthatdismissiveavoidantindividualsusetostayfarawayfromlove. 6.FrequentAndIntenseJealousyNow,mostpeoplewon’texpectthissignonalistofsignsofdismissiveavoidantattachmentstyle.Insomecases,extremelyavoidantpeoplecanactuallybeontheotherextreme:Insteadoffeelingjealous,they’llbehappythatsomeoneelseistakingsomeoftheresponsibilityoffthemforrelatingtotheirpartner,ratherthanexplodinginjealousy.Notonlythat,butsomeavoidantswillshutofftofeelingsofjealousy.Buthere’sthetruth:Avoidantsdogetjealous!Thisisbecausewhenevertheydogetclosetosomeoneandexperiencethevulnerabilityofintimacywiththem,this“exposes”them.Theymaybeusedtodetachingfromfeelings,butbygettingclosertoapartner,itcanactuallysometimesactivatetheiremotions.Thisinturnbringsuptheirinnatelowselfworthandthenfeelingsofintensejealousyensue.So:Yes,jealousyisanotherofthesignsofinsecurityinloveandthereforeoneofthemaincharacteristicsofapersonwithdismissiveavoidantattachment.Itseemslikealmostanythingsetsthemoff. Ofcourse,alittlebitofjealousyisnormal,butthisisnoexcuseforthemanifestationofpathologicalandtoxicjealousy. Beingjealousofone’spartneronarecurringbasisisasymptomofinsecurityandtoxictraits. Thedismissiveavoidantindividualwantseverythingtobekeptundertheirstrictcontrolinordertoavoiddisappointmentandpain,sotheyoftenusejealousyasatooltoachievethis. Needlesstosay,suchexcessivejealousyisaharmfulthingthatsoonerorlaterendsuppoisoningtherelationship. SECRETSREVEALED...Discoverhowyoutoocanusethislittleknown"DarkFeminineArt"toweedoutthetoxicmenwhilstcultivatingrealemotionalattractionwithhighvaluehighesteemedmen.(CLICKHEREtoenrolinthisfreeclassbeforeit'sgone.)7.TheyTurnMinorConflictsIntoSeriousFights Anotheroneofthesignsofdismissiveavoidantattachmentisatendencytoturnsmalldisagreementsintomajorfights.Thisisduetothefactthatdismissiveavoidantscannotreallybepresentwiththeemotionsoftheirpartner,andnoraretheygoodatbeingpresentwith(ornoticing)theirownemotions. Insteadofhearingtheirpartneroutandworkingtowardsgreaterconnectednesswiththeirlover,anavoidantcansometimesexplodeinangerorstonewallinstead.MORE:20DeadlySignsAManHasAngerIssues.Anavoidant’sequilibriumisnotlikelytoberootedinclosenessandwarmthinarelationship,butrather,inbehaviorsthatpushpeopleaway. Andthisisespeciallytrueinthefactofconflict-theyjustcannotdealwithit. Thedismissiveavoidantindividualwillfindanytopicorissuetouseasanentrypointforanargumentorfightofsomekind. Yetagain,thisisawaytosubconsciouslysabotageandtrytocontroltherelationship. Thetwistedlogicisthis:Ifthedismissiveavoidantindividualistheonewhoruinsit,thatwillsubconsciously“verify”theirinnerbelieffromchildhoodthatintimacyisdangerous,overlyconfrontingandnotworthit. Thereare7commonsignsawomanisperceivedaslowvaluetoallmen,becausemensimplyperceivevaluedifferentlytowomen. Doyouknowwhatthesesignsare&howtoavoidthemliketheplague? CLICKHEREtodownloadthisspecialreport. HowCanYouTellIfSomeoneIsDismissiveAvoidant?Peoplewithdismissiveavoidantattachmentstyletendtorelatestronglytothefollowingstatements: "Ifeelbestaloneandwithouthavinganintimaterelationshipwithsomeone.Relationshipsaredangerousandyouonlygetyourheartbroken.”“WhatmattersmostisbeingindependentsoIcanprotectmyselffromthecheatersandbadpeopleoutthere.”“GodforbidIhavetodependonothersorsomeonehastodependonme!Thatsoundslikeanightmare.”“Ireallywanttohaveaseriousrelationshipwithsomeone,sure.ButIfinditdifficulttotrustotherscompletely,orcreateabondofrealintimacy.There’sjustalwayssomethingwrong!”"I'mtheonewho'sgoingtogethurtifIopenuptoomuchtosomeone!" Theseproclamationsareallpossiblesignsofdismissiveavoidantattachment. Ifyourelatetomanyofthesestatementsortheyapplytosomeoneyoucareabout,there’sahighchanceyouhaveatleastsomeofthetraitsofsomebodywithadismissiveavoidantattachmentstyle. FrequentlyAskedQuestionsOnDismissiveAvoidantAttachmentStyleHowDismissiveAvoidantAttachmentAffectsRelationships?Thistypeofattachmentischaracterizedbythepresenceofavoidanceofintimacyandcanbeveryhardoncouples,eventhosewhoaredeeplyinlove. Related:IsHeFallingInLoveWithMe?8DefiniteSignsHeIs.Ingeneral,itdevelopsinchildhoodthroughparentswhoareunresponsiveandcoldtowardstheirbaby’semotionalneeds.Assuch,arelationshipwithadismissiveavoidantpersonwillfeelandberathercold. Eventhoughrelationshipswithadismissiveavoidantpartnerinthemcancausealotofstress,itdoesnotmeanyourrelationshipisdoomed. Youcanworkthroughtheseissues,butitwilloftentakethepresenceofalicensedrelationshiptherapistaswellaspatienceandunderstanding.What’sthedifferencebetweensomeonewhoisjustabitemotionallydistantandsomeonewhohasadismissiveavoidantattachmentstyle?Thedifferenceisamatterofdegree.Everyoneisdifferentandemotionaldistancingdoesn’tnecessarilymakeyouavoidantinanypathologicalway.Afterall,inmanycases,it’shealthytocreatesomeemotionaldistance. Insomecases,goodthingscancomefromcreatingemotionaldistance:likehonouringyourownrelationshiptimeline,orprotectingyouremotionalenergyandtime.Butiftheamountofdetachmentbecomesextreme,itcanbeasignofdismissiveavoidantattachment. Upsanddownshappeninallrelationships,butarelationshipthatismostlycharacterizedbymistrust,fearofabandonmentandcontroloftenhasapartnerwhoisdismissiveavoidantandsabotagingit. OscarStevensonPaulRowanBrianisafreelancejournalist,authorandwriterfromCanada.He'swrittenforIdeapod,HackSpiritandLoveConnectionandisfocusedonculture,relationshipsandself-development.YoucanfollowhimonTwitter @paulrbrian.RenéeShenEditor&AuthorForNationalCouncilforResearchonWomen.Founder&AuthorofthePopularWomen'sRelationship&DatingAdviceWebsite,TheFeminineWoman.P.S.Ihopeyou'veenjoyedthisarticle.HerearesomeotherarticlesthatIthinkyou'dreallyliketoo...FearfulAvoidantAttachmentStyle:10Signs&HowToHeal 13ProvenSignsOfAttachmentIssuesInAdults+HowToFixItForGoodHowToOvercomeAnxiousPreoccupiedAttachment:7ProvenStepsNewRelationshipAnxiety:9CripplingSymptoms,Causes&HowToOvercomeIt18SorrySignsHeDoesn'tLoveYouAnymore&HowToCope10UnusualSignsHeWantsASeriousRelationshipWithYou 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