Avoidant Attachment Style: Causes and Adult Symptoms

Referred to as anxious-avoidant in childhood, the avoidant-dismissive attachment style is one of the three insecure adult attachment styles ... Workbooks ForAllStyles Attachment&Bonding throughBodynamic Boundaries LearnEnergyManagement EmotionalAlchemy RestoreYourInnerBalance BalanceAttachmentRelationships FacilitatedbyLeadingExperts ApplyNow Workbooks Attachment&Bonding Boundaries EmotionalAlchemy BalanceAttachmentRelationships AnxiousAttachment Howdoesitdevelopinchildhood? AvoidantAttachment Whataresymptomsinadultrelationships? DisorganizedAttachment Whatisitliketodateadisorganizedadult? SecureAttachment The5conditionsforsecureattachment AnxiousAttachment AvoidantAttachment DisorganizedAttachment SecureAttachment AvoidantAttachmentStyle:Causes&Symptoms PublishedonJuly2,2020 UpdatedonSeptember12,2022 Referredtoasanxious-avoidantinchildhood,theavoidant-dismissiveattachmentstyleisoneofthethreeinsecureadultattachmentstylesidentifiedinpsychologicalliterature. Parentswhoarestrictandemotionallydistant,donottoleratetheexpressionoffeelings,andexpecttheirchildtobeindependentandtoughmightraisechildrenwithanavoidantattachmentstyle. Asadults,thesechildrenappearconfidentandself-sufficient.Theydonottolerateemotionalorphysicalintimacyandmightnotbeabletobuildhealthyrelationships.What’smore,intheworkplace,theyareoftenseenastheindependent,‘lonewolf’.Itis,however,possiblefortheseindividualstochangeanddevelopasecureattachmentstyle. Wewillcoverthemostcommonquestionsaroundavoidantattachment: Howdoesattachmentforminearlychildhood?Howdochildrendevelopinsecureattachmentstyles?Whatspecificallycausesavoidantattachmentinchildren?Whataresymptomsofavoidantattachmentinadults?Whatarerelationshipswithavoidantadultslike?Canyouchangeanavoidantattachmentstyle?Howtohealfromavoidantattachment? Howyouformrelationshipsasanadultdependsonyourchildhood Haveyoueverwonderedwhysomepeopledonotwanttodependonortrulyconnectwithanyone,evenwheninarelationship?Mostofusaimtobuildstrongrelationshipsthroughoutourlives. Weare‘hungry’forloveandaffection.Why?Becauseemotionalintimacyhasmanyadvantages.Namely,weareabletoshareourthoughtsandfeelingsopenly,wereceivesupportandreassurance,wefeelheard,appreciated,valued,andconsequently,wefeelcalmandsafe. Emotionalclosenesscanprovideuswithafeelingofstability–wearenotgoingthroughlifealone;wehavesomeonetorelyon.Ifwefeelsafeandvaluedbyothers,wearealsoabletomaintainahigherself-esteemandapositiveoutlookonlife. Ifyouaresomeonethatneedstohavecloserelationshipsandwantstorelyonothers(andhaveothersrelyonyou),youhaveprobablywonderedwhysomepeoplelackthesebasichumandesires.Howdotheyevenmakeitwork? Thetruthis,thisismostoftennotaconsciouschoice.Thewayweformrelationshipsasadultshasalottodowiththewayweformedourfirstsocialbondsaschildrenwithourcaregivers. Attachmenttheoryiswell-knownandresearchedinthefieldofPsychology.PsychiatristandpsychoanalystJohnBowlby andhisattachmenttheoryshedlightonandexplainthisphenomenon. Fouradultattachmentstyleswerecategorizedbasedonhistheory: Anxious (alsoknownas preoccupied)Avoidant (alsoknownas dismissive)Disorganized (alsoknownas fearful-avoidant)Secure Don’tknowyourattachmentstyle? Takeourshort5minuteAttachmentStyleQuiztofindoutnow.It’scompletelyfree. Howdochildrenformsecureattachmentinearlychildhood? Attachmenttheory suggeststhatourearlyrelationshipswithourcaregivers(inchildhood)setthestageforhowwebuildrelationshipsinthefuture(inadulthood). Thebehaviorofourcaregiversisthefirstexampleofsocialinteractionsthatwearepresentedwith.Itthusbecomesinformativeofhowrelationshipswork. Areotherpeoplegoingtotakecareofme?CanItrustthem?CanIrelyonthem? Whenraisingababyinasecureenvironment,wherethecaregiversareemotionallyavailableandresponsivetothebaby’sneeds,theanswerstothese(subconscious)questionswillprobablybeyes.Thisiswhatwecallasecureattachment. Howinsecureattachmentdevelopsinchildhood However,whenthechildperceivesthattheirbasicandemotionalneedsarenotmet,theywillhaveahardtimetrustingpeople.Socialbondsmightbeperceivedbysuchchildrenasnotsafeorstable.Thisishowachildformsaninsecureattachment. Let’sgetbacktothatpersonyouknow,whoisself-sufficientanddoesnot(wantto)relyonothers.Basedonattachmenttheory,wewouldcategorizehisorherattachmentstyleasaninsecureattachmentstyle.Itisknown,morespecifically,asavoidant/dismissive. Howdochildrendevelopananxious-avoidantattachmentstyle? Thedevelopmentofananxious-avoidantattachmentstyleinachildhasmuchtodowiththeemotionalavailabilityoftheircaregivers.Thecaregiversdonotnecessarilyneglectthechildingeneral;theyarepresent. Nevertheless,theytendtoavoidthedisplayofemotionandintimacyandareoftenmisattunedtothechild’semotionalneeds.Suchcaregiversarereservedandseemtobackoffwhenthechildreachesoutforsupport,reassuranceandaffection. Thecaregiversarelikelytobecomemoredistantasthesituationgetsmoreemotionallydense.Theymightbecomeoverwhelmedandwanttogetout.Thisiswhentheirunavailabilitywouldbemostevident. Thechildexpressesaneedforcloseness,butinsteadofreceivingit,theyperceivethatthedoorisshutintheirface.Parentswhosechildrenbecomeavoidantmightnotonlyavoidexpressingtheirownfeelings. Theymightalsodisapproveofandnottolerateanynotabledisplayofemotionsfromtheirchildren,regardlessofwhetheritisnegative(sadness/fear)orpositive(excitement/joy). Whensuchdisplayofemotionsoccurs,caregiverscanbecomeangryandtrytodisruptthechild’sbehaviorbytellingthechildtotoughenup.Theparentexpectstheyoungchildtobehaveindependent,serious,andreserved. Beingraisedinsuchanenvironmentislikelytocauseanavoidantattachmentstyle.Mostoften,thecaregivershavethisattachmentstylethemselves.Sincetheparentwasraisedthatway,theypassiton,unintentionally,tothenextgeneration. Symptomsofavoidantattachmentstyleinadults Adultswiththedismissive/avoidantattachmentstyleseemtobeprettyhappyaboutwhotheyareandwheretheyare. Theymightbeverysocial,easy-going,andfuntobearound.Inaddition,theseindividualsmighthavealotoffriendsand/orsexualpartners.Generallyspeaking,theyarenotaloneorlonely. Avoidantadultstendtobeindependent.Theirself-esteemishighandtheydonotrelyonothersforreassuranceoremotionalsupport. Suchindividualsmightinvestintheirprofessionaldevelopmentandarelikelytobuilduptheirconfidenceoneachpersonalsuccess.Theyseemtobeincontrol. Howdoesanavoidantadultbehaveinrelationships? Foravoidantadults,socialinteractionsandbondsremainonthesurface.Inorderforarelationshiptobemeaningfulandfulfilling,ithastobecomedeep.That’swhenyouwould‘hitawall’whendealingwithavoidantattachmentstyleandrelationships. Theseindividualswillletyoubearoundthem,butwillnotletyouin.Theytendtoavoidstrongdisplaysofclosenessandintimacy.Assoonasthingsgetserious,dismissive/avoidantindividualsarelikelytoclosethemselvesoff. Atthispoint,suchpeoplemighttrytofindareasontoendarelationship.Theymightbehighlyannoyedbytheirpartner’sbehavior,habit,orevenphysicalappearance.Consequently,theystartdriftingoffanddistancingthemselvesfromthepartner.Adultswiththisattachmentstylebelievethattheydonotneedemotionalintimacyintheirlives. Thisisadirectresultoftheirupbringing.Theircaregiversshowedthemthatpeoplecannotbereliedon.Whenevertheysoughtemotionalsupportinthepast,itwasnotprovided.Theysimplystopseekingorexpectingitfromothers.It’sasiftheyhave‘turnedofftheswitch’. Totheavoidantadult,emotionalclosenessandintimacyareoftenoffthetable Fromtheoutside,anadultwithanavoidantattachmentstylemightlookconfident,strong,andtogether.Thisdoesnotmean,however,thatthispersonisnotsufferingormakingthosearoundhim/hersuffer. Totheavoidantadult,emotionalclosenessandintimacyareoftenoffthetable.Notbecausetheywillnotreapbenefits,butbecausetheydonotknowhow. Eitherway,notbeingabletobuildadeep,meaningful,andlong-lastingrelationshipcanbepainfulforpeoplewiththisattachmentstyle.Itcanalsobeheart-breakingfortheoneswholovethem. Furthermore,havinganavoidantattachmentstyleasaparentislikelytoaffectyourchild’sattachmentstyle.Ifyouhaveit,youwillprobablypassiton. Imayhaveavoidantattachment…nowwhat? Ifyourecognizethedismissive/avoidantattachmentstyleinyourselforyourealizeyouaredatingsomeonewithavoidantattachmentstyle,whatcanyoudo? Thekeyistoadmitandrealizethatthe‘switch’onemotionalintimacyhastobeturnedon.Thismightbechallengingandrequirealotofeffort. WhatdoIfeel? Theavoidantadultneedstostartpayingattentiontotheemotionalandphysicalsensationsthatcomeuparound(emotional)intimacy.Self-reflectionmighthelponemakesenseofandanalyzeexistingpatterns. WhatdoIneed? Anotheressentialstepisexploring,understanding,andeventuallyexpressingemotionalneeds. WhatshouldIdo? Atsomepoint,theavoidantadultmightbeabletostartworkingonbuildingcloserrelationshipswithpeople.Theycouldfollowastep-by-stepapproachtolettingothersinandrespondingtotheemotionalneedsofcloseones. Canavoidantadultschangetheirattachmentstyle? Obviously,workingwithatherapistonthispatternwouldpotentiallybethemostbeneficialwaytomoveforwardwithearningsecureattachment.Ifthat’snotanoptionforyou,wehaveonlinecoursesforyoutomoveforward. Eitherway,ifyouwanttochangeyourattachmentstyle,youneedtoputeffortinit.Whetheryouareworkingthroughitwithaclosefriend,atherapist,orabook,consistencyandeffortarefundamental. Ifyouprefertogotherouteofaworkbook,werecentlyreleasedourfirstseriesofattachmentstyledigitalworkbooks. AvoidantAttachmentWorkbook Ifyoufeeldistantanddisconnectedinyourrelationshipsandoftenwithdrawfromcontact,thisworkbookmightjustbethestepyouneedtotaketobeginyourjourneytopositivechange. ViewWorkbook Ouravoidantattachmentstyledigitalworkbookincludes: 199pages&32practicalexercisesHowavoidantattachmentaffectsyouinover10differentareasoflife8casestudiesonavoidantattachmentGroundbreakingandup-to-dateresearchonavoidantattachmentSectionrecapsandareasforreflection EmpoweryourInstagramnewsfeed Ifyoulikedthispostandwanttolearnmoreaboutattachmenttheory,thenwerecommendfollowingTheAttachmentProjectonInstagram.Weregularlypostcontenttohelpyoumakesenseofattachmenttheoryinvariouscontexts. ViewthispostonInstagram ViewthispostonInstagram ViewthispostonInstagram Sources: Ainsworth,MD,Bell,SM.(1970).Attachment,exploration,andseparation:Illustratedbythebehaviorofone-year-oldsinastrangesituation.ChildDevelopment,41(1),49-67. Bowlby,J.(1982).AttachmentandLoss:Volume1Attachment.2nded.NewYork:BasicBooks. Mikulincer,M.,Shaver,P.R.(2007).AttachmentinAdulthood:Structure,Dynamics,andChange.GuilfordPress. RelatedArticles AttachmentTheory HowDoesAnxiousAvoidantAttachmentDevelopinChildren? 2Jun2021 Anxiousavoidantattachmenttypicallydevelopsinthefirst18monthsoflife.Duringthisformativeperiod,achild’scaregivermayhavebeenemotionallyunavailabletothemmostofthetime. AttachmentTheory AvoidantAttachmentTriggersandTipsforHealthySelfRegulation 30Jul2021 Understandinghowtoselfregulateyouremotionsisanessentialskill.However,havingavoidantattachmentmayimpactyourabilitytodoso. AttachmentTheory TheSuperpowersofDismissiveAvoidantAttachment 30Sep2021 Beingawareofthenegativetraitsofdismissiveavoidantattachmentisimportant.However,youcanderivebenefitsfromfocusingonthepositiveaspects. Getmentalhealthtipsstraighttoyourinbox Iwouldliketosignupforthenewsletter Iagreewithtermsandconditionsandprivacypolicy Δ Thiswebsiteusescookiestoimproveyourexperience.We’llassumeyou’reokwiththis,butyoucanopt-outifyouwish. ACCEPT