The Connection Between Father and Son - HealthyPlace

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When the father-son relationship is intense, Dr. Longhurst explains that it can be a key time for fathers to use crisis as opportunity, exploring their ... Skiptomaincontent advertisement InParenting InParenting+- advertisement TheConnectionBetweenFatherandSon HealthyPlace.comStaffWriter Thechangingrelationshipbetweenfatherandsonandputtingthefather-sonrelationshipinperspectiveastheyearsprogress. (ARA)-Ifyou'rethefatherofalittleboy,there'sagoodchancethatrightnowyouareenjoyingaverycloseconnectionwithyourson.Heprobablyidolizeseverythingyoudo--dressingupinyourclothes,imitatingthewayyoureadthepaperorthewayyoustandwhenyoutalk.Hetriestodoeverythingyoudoandworkshardtomakesurehehasyourattentionandyourapproval.Youcanseeinyourlittleboy'seyesthatheisutterlyconvincedthatyouarewithoutadoubttheultimatemanintheworld. Andifyouareadadwhosesonhasgottenabitolder,youcanstopforamomentandsmilewhenyourecollectthosespecialdayswithyouryoungson.Astimegoesby,though,yoursongetsolderandyourrelationshipchanges.Whenyoursonbeginstodevelopintoayoungman,bothofyoufacechallengesthatmeanworkingalittlebithardertomaintainyourbond.Therelationshipyoudevelopnowwillsetthecourseforalifetimebondbetweenyouandyourson. Dr.JamesLonghurst,alicensedpsychologistforMontcalmSchool,aresidentialtreatmentprogramfortroubledandat-riskyouth,saysthatingeneral,asboysbecometeens,theysometimesquestionorchallengealltheirpreviouslyheldperceptionsabouttheirfathers. "Thishappens,"hesays,"astheyaretryingtobecomeindividualsandtolearnhowto'betheirownman.'Inthispartoftheirlives,teenboysoftenrejecttheirfather'svalues." Dr.Longhurstsaysthatfathersneedtorealizethatwhentheirboybeginstobecomeayoungman,youasafather,needtobesuretokeepthingsinbalance."Dadsneedtorealizethattheycanneverbeasgood,andallknowingasyouryoungsonthinksyouare.Likewise,theyareneverasbad,orasstupid,astheirteenagesonsmaysaytheyare." Whenthefather-sonrelationshipisintense,Dr.Longhurstexplainsthatitcanbeakeytimeforfatherstousecrisisasopportunity,exploringtheirrelationshipwiththeirsonandworkingthroughtheconflicttobringtherelationshipcloser. Sean,astudentwhorecentlygraduatedfromMontcalmSchoolandislookingforwardtohisfirstsummerjob,saysthatwhenhecametotheprogram,heandhisfatherhadaverytenserelationshipthatwas,insomeways,attheheartofhistroubles.Sean'sparentsweredivorcedandhisfather,arecoveringalcoholic,waschanginghislifestyleandbecomingadifferentperson.Thatwasn'teasyforSean."Ididn'tlikemydadbeforewhenhewasdrinking,butIdidn'tlikehimlaterwhenhestartedchangingthewayhelivedhislife.Ihadalotofresentmentbecauseofmydad'stroublewithalcoholwhenIwasyoung,butwhenhechangedhislifeandbecamesober,Iwasn'treadyforthateither." SeanbelievesthatbeforeheandhisfathersoughthelpthroughMontcalmSchool,therelationshipwasdifficultforbothofthem."Itfeltkindofsuperficial.Wedidn'treallyspendanyqualitytimetogether.Ourrelationshipwasprettymuchgoingdownthetubes.IstoppedgoingtohishouseandIthinkInowknowhedidn'ttreatmeasbadasIdidhim." DuringhistimeatMontcalmSchool,Seanandhisfatherhadnumerousconferences,facilitatedbystaffworkingfortheprogram.Theylaidthecardsoutonthetable,andSeanandhisfatherrealized,thattheybothwantedthesamethingsfromtheirrelationship. "It'skindoflikewecametorealize,Hey,you'remydadandI'myourson,"Seansays."Whyarewedoingthis?Heapologizedforthemistakeshe'dmadeinthepast,asdidI,andwebuiltarelationshipbasedontrust.Todaywe'reopenandhonestwitheachotherandissuesdon'tgetsweptundertherug." TipsforDadsandSons(fromDr.JimLonghurstandMontcalmSchoolDirectorJohnWeed):-Whenthechancearrives,trytousecrisisasopportunitytobringfatherandsonclosertogether. -Avoidbeingcounter-aggressive.Yoursonmayhaveirrationalbeliefsthathewilltrytobringintoaconflict. -Trytounderstandtheworldthroughyourson'seyes.Whatmakestheminterpretwhatyousayinthewaythattheydo? -Whatistherealissue?Whatistherealproblem?Isitreallythemessybedroom?Orisitsomethingmore,somethingelsethathappened?Ifyou'reinacycle,repeatingthesameoldargument,whateveryou'retalkingaboutisn'ttherealissuebecauseitisn'tgettingresolved. -(andfromSean,agraduateofMontcalmSchool,toteenagesons):"Beasopenmindedaspossible.Familyisalwaysforeverandyourdadisalwaysyourdad.WhatIdidwaslethimspeakandthenmadesureheheardmeouttoo." APAReferenceStaff,H. (2022,January27).TheConnectionBetweenFatherandSon,HealthyPlace.Retrieved on2022,June23fromhttps://www.healthyplace.com/parenting/dads/connection-between-father-and-son LastUpdated:January27,2022 MedicallyreviewedbyHarryCroft,MD RelatedArticles TheImportanceofBeingAGoodFather KeystoAGreatFather-ChildRelationship TheConnectionBetweenFatherandSon Dad'sRoleHasChangedOvertheYears MoreInfo HowDoYouDefineaSpecialNeedsChild? ParentingConferenceTranscriptsTableofContents DoYouReallyKnowHowtoDisciplineYourChild? 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