Parent-Child Relationship: How To Strengthen It

The early parent-child relationship is important because it directly affects a child's physical, emotional, social, and attachment ... SkiptoContent Benefitsofstrongrelationship|Why“SpendMoreTime”or“Eatmealstogether”don’twork|Relationshipproblems|Howtostrengthen WhyIsAParentChildRelationshipImportant Theearlyparent-childrelationshipisimportantbecauseitdirectlyaffectsachild’sphysical,emotional,social,andattachmentdevelopment,whichdeterminesthechild’sfuturepersonality,behavior,relationship,andlifechoices. Inotherwords,thisrelationshipformsthefoundationofthechild’sfuturesuccess.AstudyatHarvardUniversityshowsthatalovingparentalrelationisthestrongestpredictorofachild’sfuturesuccess​1​. Creatingacloseandpositiveparent-childrelationshipisacrucialaspectofparenting.Despiteitsimportance,buildingstrongparent-childrelationshipsisrarelythefocusofday-to-daylife. Benefitsofhavingastrongrelationshipwithyourchild Thebenefitsofapositiverelationshiponchilddevelopmentarenumerous.Theycontributetoachild’sfuturesuccessinthefollowingways. SecureAttachment Havingapositiveparent-childrelationshipinearlychildhoodfostersasecureattachmentinthechild.Psychologistshavefoundthatsecureattachmentisthebesttypeofattachment.Childrenwithasecurelyattachedrelationshipwiththeirparentsaremoreresilient.Theyperseverewhenfacingchallenges.Theyhavefewerbehavioralproblems,higherself-esteem,betteracademicperformance​2​,andotherpositiveoutcomes.  Familyrelationshipsalsoaffecthowoneformsfuturerelationshipsinadulthood.Securelyattachedpeoplehavepositiveinternalworkingmodelsallowingthemtodevelopcompetentsocialskills. Social-EmotionalRegulation Parent-childinteractionsintheearlyyearssetthegroundworkforachild’ssocialdevelopment.Youngchildrenlearntoself-regulatethroughwatchingandmimickingtheirparents.Acloserelationshipwiththeparentsfacilitatestheemotionaldevelopmentofchildren​3​. MentalHealthandWellbeing Ahealthyparent-childrelationshipisstronglyassociatedwithachild’smentalwell-being.Researchshowsthathavingapoorconnectionisariskfactorindevelopingdepressivesymptoms​4​. Self-motivation Relationswithothersarevitalinnatemotivatorsinhumans​5​.Achildismoreintrinsicallymotivatedtoengageinanactivityvaluedbypeopletheyfeelconnectedto.Parentswhohaveastrongbondwiththeirchildrencanhaveagreatinfluenceontheiracademicinterestsandhelpthemsucceed. Why“SpendMoreTime”or“EatMealsTogether”Don’tWork AlotofadvicefoundontheInternetconcerningparent-childrelationshipsisineffectiveatbest,butdetrimentaltotherelationshipatworst. Youcanfindadvicelike“spendmoretime”or“eatfamilymealstogether”everywhere. Here’stheproblemwiththistypeofadvice: Ifspendingmoretimeandeatingmealstogetherwerethewaytoimproverelationships,weshouldallhavehadperfectrelationshipswithourkidsaftertheyear2020. Butitdidn’tworkoutthatwayformanyfamilies. Formanyparents,thatyearactuallymadetherelationshipworse,alotworse. Thisadvicewouldhaveworkediftheparentalreadyhadagreatrelationshipwiththechildandjustwantedtodeepenit.Chancesare,youarenotlookingforthattypeofadvicebecauseyourrelationshipisn’texactlygreatyet. Here’swhythiskindofadvicedoesn’twork. Ifarelationshipwereabottleofwater,followingthatadvicewouldbelikeyoukeeppouringwaterintoit,butignorethehugeleakyholeatthebottom.Withoutfirstfixingtheholeintherelationship,youwillnotfillupthebottlenomatterhowmuchyoupourin. Thatmeans,spendingmoretimetogetherwithoutaddressingthesourceofstrainintherelationshipisuseless. Parent-ChildRelationshipProblems Parentingisoneofthemostfulfillingyetchallengingjobs.Familylifecanbestressful.It’snosurprisethatcreatinghealthyparent-childrelationshipsisoftenputonthebackburnerwhentheissuesofmissinghomework,poorgrades,unfinishedhouseholdchores,orbadbehaviorsarise. Manyparentsunknowinglyspendmoretimedamagingtherelationshipthanstrengtheningit. Whenproblemsbecometoobigtoignore,desperateparentstrytofollowadvicefoundontheInternet.Whentheycannotgettheresultswiththisineffectiveadvice,theythinkthere’ssomethingwrongwiththeirkids. Havetroublemotivatingyourchild?Checkout: HowToMotivateKids Howtostrengthentheparent-childrelationship Whileyoungerchildrencaremoreabouthowmuchtimeyoucanspendwiththem,olderkidsdon’ttranslatemoretimeintocloserrelationships. Youactuallydon’tneedtospendalotoftimeconnectingwithyourkids.Childrenneedqualitytime,notjusttimetogether. Butbeforeyouworkontherelationship,thinkaboutyourparentinggoal. Areyoucommittedtobuildingastrongrelationshipandsettingitasyourparentinggoal? Knowingyourgoalwillhelpyouprioritizewhatyoudoonadailybasis. Forexample,isgettinggoodgradesmoreimportantthanhavingacloserelationshilp? Ishavingthetrashcanemptiedworthdamagingit? Oneofthebestthingsaboutprioritizingyourrelationshipisthatonceyouhaveastrongconnection,allyourothergoalswillbemucheasiertofulfill. Onceyouknowyourgoal,herearethestepsyoucantaketostrengthenyourrelationship. First,Attune Steponetostrengthenarelationshipistoshowattunement.Itmeansattuningtoyourchildren’semotions. Emotionalattunementisthebestwaytoestablishaconnectionwithanotherperson. Whenthey’rehappy,yousharetheirhappiness.Whenthey’resadorfrustrated,yousharetheirsadnessorfrustration,andyoushowthatvisuallythroughyourbodylanguage,facialexpression,andwords. Forexample,ifyouhaveaconflictwithyourkidandthey’reangry,youcansaywithafrown,“Youlookreallyupset,itissounfair,isn’tit?” Thisattunementcanusuallycalmachildimmediately,andbydoingthat,youstrengthenandrepairtherelationshipquicklyevenduringafight. Then,Repair Fixthatholeinyourrelationshipbottle! Ifyouhaveconflictswithyourchildonalmostanything,thatmeansyoudon’treallyhaveadisciplineproblem…youhavearelationshipproblem. Forsomeparents,torepairistoapologizeifyoufeelthatyoumightbewronginarecentfight.Youdon’thavetotakeoneverything.Pointoutthepartyoucouldhavedonedifferently.Ifyourchild’sfeelingswerehurt,apologize. Admittingamistakewillnotundermineyourauthority.Youshowthatyou’rebigenoughtotakeresponsibilityforamistake.Thatwillearnyourespect. Ifyouhaven’thadarecentfight,followthesesteps. Startwiththebiggestconflictordisagreementinyourrelationship.Evaluatewhetherbeingrightinitisthatimportanttoyou.Imagine20yearsfromnow,willyoucaremoreaboutwinninginthisfightoryourrelationshipwithyourchild.Talktoyourchildaboutyourdecisionin#3.Inviteyourchildtodiscussalternativesolutionstogether,collaboratively.Doittogether.Arelationshiptakestwo.Godownyourlistofconflictsandrepeat#1-5. Finally,Quality Herearesomeoftheessentialqualitiespsychologistshavefoundtobenefityourrelationshipwithyourchild. PracticeResponsive,WarmParenting Aresponsiveparentingstyle,suchasauthoritativeparenting,canhelpyourchilddevelopasecureattachment​6​.Beingresponsivemeansmeetingyourchild’sneedsandshowingparentalwarmth. Forinstance,attunetoyourchild’semotionalresponses.Acknowledgeyourchild’sfeelingswhentheyareindistressoremotionallydysregulated.Useemotionalcoachingratherthandismissingtoteachkidsaboutself-regulation. SpendQualityTimeTogether Spendingqualitytimewithyourchilddoesn’tmeandoingmoreeducationalactivities.Itmeansmindfullyattendingtoyourchild’sneeds.Itmeansbeingpresent. Evenresolvingconflictscanbecomequalitytimeifdoneright.Whenthereareconflicts,manyparentsbulldozeovertheproblem,skipoveritortrytosweepitundertherugsotheycanmoveonto“happilyspendqualitytimetogether”. Butqualitydoesn’tmeanthatonlypositiveemotionsareinvolved.Helpingyourchilddevelopemotionalregulationskillsduringtantrums,teachingthempatientlyhowtodisagreerespectfully,orencouragingproblem-solvinginsteadofjustsayingno,areallqualitytimeswellspent. UsePositiveDiscipline Usingpunishmentisthemostcommonwaytodamageyourrelationshipwithyourkid.Disciplinemeanstoteach,nottopunish.Youdon’tneedtopunishtoteach.Usingpositiveparentingtodisciplinecanstrengthenyourbond​7​. Positivedisciplineisaboutteaching,guiding,andcorrectingyourchildinakindandfirmway.Childrenasyoungas1-year-oldscanbenefitfromusingdisciplinethatisnurturingandpositive. Beingpositiveisnotbeingpermissive.Permissiveparentsdon’tsetboundariesorenforcerules. Authoritativeparents,ontheotherhand,arepositiveandstillenforcereasonablerules. RespectBuildsRelationship.LackofRespectDestroysRelationship. Mutualrespectiscrucialineveryhealthyrelationship.Apositiveparent-childrelationshipisnoexception.Respectingachildmeansrespectingthattheyarepeople,too.Theyhavetheirownneeds,wants,andpreferences.Theymaybealittleignorantbecausetheystillhavealottolearn,butweshouldn’ttreatthemaslessbecauseofthat. ProvideAutonomousSupport Besidesbasicneeds,suchasfoodandsafety,autonomyisthenextmostimportantinnatehumandesire​8​.Humanbeingsthrivewhengiventhefreedomtochooseanddecideontheiractions.Allowingourchildrentoactautonomouslyonthingsthatarenotsafety-orhealth-relatedisasignificantmotivationbooster.Beingacontrollingparentnotonlyreducesyourchild’smotivationbutalsodamagesyourrelationshipwiththem. AllowOpenCommunication Talkto,notat,yourchildtobuildtrust.Haveagoodconversation.Makesuretolistentothingsthatbotherthem;eventhingsthatmaymakeyouunhappy. Someparentsfeelthatchildrengivingnegativefeedbackorvoicingtheirconcernsaretalkingback.Butifyoucandemonstratetakingfeedbackwithgrace,yourchildwilllearntodothat,too,whenyougivethemfeedback.Lettingyourchildhaveavoicealsohelpsthembuildconfidence.Languagedevelopmentisanotheraddedbonustothesenewcommunicationhabits. LoveThemUnconditionally Unconditionallovefromtheparentisthemostpreciousgiftyoucangiveyourchild.Unconditionalmeansyoulovethemevenwhenyoudisliketheirbehaviorsuchasnotdoinghomework,whenyouaremadthattheyfailanexam,orwhenyouareannoyedthattheydon’tfinishtheirchores.Noneofthesearemoreimportantthantheuniquebondbetweenparentsandchildren. FinalThoughtsOnParent-ChildRelationships–Changeishard Buildingaclose,securerelationshipwiththeirchildisagoalthatmanyparentshavebutnotmanyactuallypursue.Wearetooinundatedwithdailyhasslesandoftenforgetthemostimportantthinginlife—families.Shiftingourfocusfromusingshortcutparentinghackstocreatingalong-lastingbondwithourkidsisnoteasy,butit’sverywellworthit.Thelastthingwewantistohaveanestrangedrelationshipwiththeoneswelovewhentheygrowup. References 1.VaillantG.TRIUMPHSOFEXPERIENCE:THEMENOFTHEHARVARDGRANTSTUDY.HarvardUniversityPress;2012. 2.GreenbergMT,SiegelJM,LeitchCJ.Thenatureandimportanceofattachmentrelationshipstoparentsandpeersduringadolescence.JYouthAdolescence.PublishedonlineOctober1983:373-386.doi:10.1007/bf02088721 3.vanIjzendoornMH,KranenburgMJ,Zwart-WoudstraHA,vanBusschbachAM,LambermonMWE.ParentalAttachmentandChildren’sSocio-emotionalDevelopment:SomeFindings        ontheValidityoftheAdultAttachmentInterviewinTheNetherlands.InternationalJournalofBehavioralDevelopment.PublishedonlineDecember1991:375-394.doi:10.1177/016502549101400402 4.BranjeS,HaleW,FrijnsT,MeeusW.Longitudinalassociationsbetweenperceivedparent-childrelationshipqualityanddepressivesymptomsinadolescence.JAbnormChildPsychol.2010;38(6):751-763.doi:10.1007/s10802-010-9401-6 5.RyanRM,PowelsonCL.AutonomyandRelatednessasFundamentaltoMotivationandEducation.TheJournalofExperimentalEducation.PublishedonlineSeptember1991:49-66.doi:10.1080/00220973.1991.10806579 6.RyanRM,BrownKW,CreswellJD.HowIntegrativeisAttachmentTheory?UnpackingtheMeaningandSignificanceofFeltSecurity.PsychologicalInquiry.PublishedonlineAugust13,2007:177-182.doi:10.1080/10478400701512778 7.McKeeL,RolandE,CoffeltN,etal.HarshDisciplineandChildProblemBehaviors:TheRolesofPositiveParentingandGender.JFamViol.PublishedonlineApril20,2007:187-196.doi:10.1007/s10896-007-9070-6 8.CullatyB.TheRoleofParentalInvolvementintheAutonomyDevelopmentofTraditional-AgeCollegeStudents.JournalofCollegeStudentDevelopment.Publishedonline2011:425-439.doi:10.1353/csd.2011.0048 Postnavigation HowtoMotivateaChildWhoisUnmotivatedtoDoAnythingAngryChild–WhatCausesAngerIssuesInKids Disclaimer *Allinformationonparentingforbrain.comisforeducationalpurposesonly.ParentingForBraindoesnotprovidemedicaladvice.Ifyoususpectmedicalproblemsorneedprofessionaladvice,pleaseconsultaphysician.* Searchfor: HowToMotivateKidswhenrules,consequencesandrewardsdon’tworkCalmTheTantrumsHowtocalmtoddlertantrumswithoutyelling,bribingorgivingin Searchfor: