Attachment Styles and How they Affect Your Relationships

Avoidant attachment types are extremely independent, self-directed, and often uncomfortable with intimacy. They're commitment-phobes and experts at ... MenuArticlesCompleteArchiveBestArticlesArticleAudiosBooksMyBooksReadingListFreeEbooksNewsletterAboutAboutMarkEditorialProcessContactSchoolAttachmentStylesandHowTheyAffectYourRelationshipsEvidence-BasedAgreatdealofyoursuccessinrelationships—orlackthereof—canbeexplainedbyhowyoulearnedtorelatetoothersthroughoutyourchildhoodaswellaslaterinlife.Ifyou’veeverputzedaroundtheinternet,lookingforwhyyourrelationshipsmightallbescrewedup(andscrewedupinthesameways,Imightadd),thenyou’veprobablycomeacrossAttachmentTheory. AttachmentTheoryisanareaofpsychologythatdescribesthenatureofemotionalattachmentbetweenhumans.Itbeginsaschildrenwithourattachmenttoourparents.Thenatureofthisattachment,andhowwellit’sfosteredandcaredfor,willtheninfluencethenatureofourattachmenttoromanticpartnerslaterinourlife.1 Attachmenttheorybeganinthe1950sandhassinceamassedasmallmountainofresearchbehindit.Tworesearchers,JohnBowlbyandMaryAinsworth,foundthatthenatureinwhichinfantsgettheirneedsmetbytheirparentssignificantlycontributestotheir“attachmentstrategy”throughouttheirlives.2 Yourattachmentstyledoesn’texplaineverythingaboutyourrelationships,butitprobablyexplainsagreatdealofwhyyourcloserelationshipshavesucceeded/failedinthemannertheydid,whyyou’reattractedtothepeopleyouareattractedto,andthenatureoftherelationshipproblemsthatcomeupagainandagainforyou. TableofContents TheFourStylesofAttachment HowAttachmentStylesAreFormed AttachmentStylesandRelationships What’sYourAttachmentStyle? CanYourAttachmentStyleChange? TheFourStylesofAttachment Accordingtopsychologists,therearefourattachmentstrategiesadultscanadopt:secure,anxious,avoidant,andanxious-avoidant.3 SecureAttachmentStyle Peoplewithsecureattachmentstrategiesarecomfortabledisplayinginterestandaffection.Theyarealsocomfortablebeingaloneandindependent,anddisplayahealthylevelofself-confidence.They’reabletocorrectlyprioritizetheirrelationshipswithintheirlifeandtendtodrawclearboundariesandsticktothem. Secureattachmenttypesobviouslymakethebestromanticpartners,familymembers,andevenfriends.They’recapableofacceptingrejectionandmovingondespitethepain,butarealsocapableofbeingloyalandsacrificingwhennecessary.Theyhavelittleissuetrustingpeoplethey’reclosetoandaretrustworthythemselves. Securetypescomfortablyformintimaterelationshipsnotonlywithpartners,butalsowithfriends.Theyhavenotroublerevealingthemselvestoandoccasionallyrelyingonotherswhenthesituationcallsforit.Andtheyareexcellentcaregivers.4 Accordingtoresearch,over50%ofthepopulationaresecureattachmenttypes.5 MeetSecureSarah Ifinditeasytogetemotionallyclosetomypartner. WhenIshowmyfeelingsformypartner,Iknowthattheyfeelthesameaboutme. IknowthatmypartnerwillbetherewhenIneedthem. IwanttohavemypartnerwithmewhenIamupset. Idon’tworryaboutmypartnerleavingme. AnxiousAttachmentStyle Anxiousattachmenttypesareoftennervousandstressedabouttheirrelationships.Theyneedconstantreassuranceandaffectionfromtheirpartner.Theyhavetroublebeingaloneorsingle.They’lloftensuccumbtounhealthyorabusiverelationships. Anxioustypeshavetroubletrustingpeople,evenifthey’reclosetothem,yetexcessivelyrelyonothersfortheiremotionalneedsandtoresolvetheirproblems.Theirbehaviorcanbeirrational,sporadic,andoverly-emotional.They’retheonescomplainingthateveryoneoftheoppositesexarecoldandheartless.Andprobablyburstingintotearswhiledoingso. Thisisthegirlwhocallsyou36timesinonenightwonderingwhyyoudidn’tcallherback—let’scallherAnna.Ortheguywhofollowshisgirlfriendtoworktomakesureshe’snotflirtingwithanyothermen. Womenaremorelikelytobeanxioustypesthanmen,6butit’sokay,there’sstillplentyofinsecuritytogoaround. MeetAnxiousAnna MypartnerisreluctanttogetasemotionallycloseasIwouldlike. WhenItellmypartnermytroubles,Ifeelliketheydon’treallycare. Ifindithardtoforgivemypartnerwhentheyletmedown. Ioftenworrythatmypartnerdoesn’tloveme. Ifearthatourrelationshipwillend. AvoidantAttachmentStyle Avoidantattachmenttypesareextremelyindependent,self-directed,andoftenuncomfortablewithintimacy.They’recommitment-phobesandexpertsatrationalizingtheirwayoutofanyintimatesituation.Theyregularlycomplainaboutfeeling“crowded”or“suffocated”whenpeopletrytogetclosetothem.Theyareoftenparanoidthatotherswanttocontrolthemorboxthemin. Ineveryrelationship,theyalwayshaveanexitstrategy.Always.Avoidantsoftenconstructtheirlifestyleinsuchawaytoavoidcommitmentortoomuchintimatecontact. Insurveys,avoidanttypesscoreuniquelyhighonself-confidenceanduniquelylowonemotionalexpressivenessandwarmth.Theynotonlyrevealthemselvesfarlesstotheirpartnerandfriends,butalsotendnottorelyonothers,evenwhentheyshould.Theyscorelowerthanothertypesascaregivers,meaningthey’renottoberelieduponwheninapickle.7 It’sasadfactthatrelationshipstendtobecontrolledbythosewhocareleast.Therefore,avoidantstendtobetheonesincontrolinbothfriendshipsandromanticrelationships,astheyarealmostalwayswillingtoleave.Thisisopposedtoanxioustypes,wholetthemselvesbecontrolledinboth.8 Thisistheguy—we’llcallhimAlex—whoworks80hoursaweekandgetsannoyedwhenwomenhedateswanttoseehimmorethanonceontheweekend.Orthegirlwhodatesdozensofguysoverthecourseofyearsbuttellsthemallshedoesn’twant“anythingserious”andinevitablyendsupditchingthemwhenshegetstiredofthem. Menaremorelikelythanwomentobeavoidanttypes,9butasalways,there’splentyofneurosestogoaround. MeetAvoidantAlex IprefertokeeptomyselfwhenI’maroundmypartner. Idon’ttalktomypartneraboutmyfeelings. Idon’tgivemypartnerthechancetoletmedown. Idon’twanttobearoundmypartnerifI’mfeelingupset. Iwouldn’tcareifmypartnerleftme. Anxious-AvoidantAttachmentStyle Anxious-avoidantattachmenttypes(alsoknownasthe“fearfulordisorganizedtype”)bringtogethertheworstofbothworlds.Anxious-avoidantsarenotonlyafraidofintimacyandcommitment,buttheydistrustandlashoutemotionallyatanyonewhotriestogetclosetothem.Anxious-avoidantsoftenspendmuchoftheirtimealoneandmiserable,orinabusiveordysfunctionalrelationships. Anxious-avoidantsarelowinconfidenceandlesslikelytoexpressemotions,preferringtosuppressthem.10However,theycanhaveintenseemotionaloutburstswhenunderstress.11Theyalsodon’ttendtoseekhelpwheninneedduetoadistrustofothers.Thissucksbecausetheyarealsoincapableofsortingthroughtheirownissues.12 Anxious-avoidantsreallygettheworstofbothworlds.Theyavoidintimacynotbecausetheyprefertobealonelikeavoidants.Rather,theyavoidintimacybecausetheyaresoterrifiedofitspotentialtohurtthem.13 Accordingtostudies,onlyasmallpercentageofthepopulationqualifiesasanxious-avoidanttypes,andtheytypicallyhaveamultitudeofotheremotionalproblemsinotherareasoftheirlife(i.e.,substanceabuse,depression,etc.14). MeetAnxious-avoidantAaron Iwanttogetemotionallyclosetomypartner,butIworryaboutthemhurtingmyfeelings. Iwanttofeelclosetomypartner,butIalsodon’ttrustthemtowanttobeclosetome. Ican’tlivewithoutmypartner,eventhoughbeingwiththemisn’tworking. Aswithmostpsychologicalprofiling,thesetypesaren’tmonolithicqualities,butscalarinnatureandsomewhatindependent. Forinstance,accordingtothebookAttachedbyAmirLevieandRachelHeller,Iscoredabout75%onthesecurescale,90%ontheavoidantscale,and10%ontheanxiousscale.Andmyguessisthat3-5yearsago,thesecurewouldhavebeenlowerandtheanxiouswouldhavebeenhigher,althoughmyavoidanthasalwaysbeensolidlymaxedout(asanyofmyex-girlfriendswilltellyou). Thepointis,youcanexhibittendenciesofmorethanonestrategydependingonthesituationandatdifferentfrequencies.Although,everyonehasonedominantstrategy.SoSecureSarahwillstillexhibitsomeavoidantoranxiousbehaviors,AnxiousAnnaandAvoidantAlexwillsometimesexhibitsecurebehaviors,etc.It’snotallornothing.ButAnxious-avoidantAaronwillscorehighonbothanxiousandavoidanttypesandlowonthesecurescale. HowAttachmentStylesAreFormed LikeIsaidpreviously,ourattachmentstylesasadultsareinfluencedbyhowwerelatedtoourparents(oroneparent/primarycaregiver)asyoungchildren.Ashelplesslittlebabies,thisisourfirstandmostimportantrelationshipofourlives,soitnaturallysetsthe“blueprint”forhowweperceiveallrelationshipsaswemature.15 Weusethisrelationshipblueprintasweageintolatechildhoodandadolescence,whenwetypicallystarttoformimportantrelationshipsoutsideofourimmediaterelationshipwithourparent(s).Ourpeergrouptakesonalargerroleinourlivesaswecontinuetolearnhowtorelatetoothers.Theseexperiencesfurtherinfluenceourattachmentstyleasweeventuallybecomeromanticallyinvolvedwithothers,which,inturn,alsoinfluenceourattachmentstyle.16 Sowhileyourearlyexperienceswithyourparent(s)dohaveaconsiderableinfluenceonhowyourelatetoothers,it’snottheonlyfactorthatdeterminesyourattachmentstyle(thoughit’sabigone)andyourattachmentstylecanchangeovertime(moreonthislater). Generally,though,secureattachmenttypesregularlyhavetheirneedsmetasinfants.Theygrewupfeelingcompetentamongtheirpeers,butwerealsocomfortablewiththeirshortcomingstoadegree.Asaresult,theyexhibithealthy,strongboundariesasadults,cancommunicatetheirneedswellintheirrelationships,andaren’tafraidtoleaveabadoneiftheythinktheyneedto. Anxioustypes,ontheotherhand,receiveloveandcarewithunpredictablesufficiencyasinfants.Growingup,theyhavepositiveviewsoftheirpeers,butnegativeviewsofthemselves.Theirromanticrelationshipsareoftenoverlyidealizedandtheyrelytooheavilyonthemforself-esteem.Hencethe36callsinonenightwhenyoudon’tpickupyourphone. AvoidantslikeAlexwouldhavegotonlysomeoftheirneedsmetasinfants,whiletherestwereneglected(forinstance,Alexmighthavegottenfedregularly,butwasn’theldenough).SoAlexgrowsupholdinganegativeviewofothersbutapositiveviewofhimself.Hehasn’tdependedtoomuchonhisromanticrelationshipsforhisneedsandfeelslikehedoesn’tneedothersforemotionalsupport. Anxious-avoidantAaron,though,wouldhavehadanabusiveorterriblynegligentchildhood.Hegrewuphavingahardtimerelatingtohispeers.Soasanadult,heseeksbothintimacyandindependenceinromanticinteractions,sometimessimultaneously,which,asyoucanimagine,doesn’treallygowell. AdultAttachmentStylesandRelationshipConfigurations Differentattachmenttypestendtoconfigurethemselvesintointimaterelationshipsinpredictableways.Securetypesarecapableofdating(orhandling,dependingonyourperspective)bothanxiousandavoidanttypes.They’recomfortableenoughwiththemselvestogiveanxioustypesallofthereassurancetheyneedandtogiveavoidanttypesthespacetheyneedwithoutfeelingthreatenedthemselves. Anxiousandavoidantsfrequentlyendupinrelationshipswithoneanothermoreoftenthantheyendupinrelationshipswiththeirowntypes.17Thatmayseemcounter-intuitive,butthere’sorderbehindthemadness.Avoidanttypesaresogoodatputtingothersoffthatoftentimesit’sonlytheanxioustypeswhoarewillingtostickaroundandputintheextraefforttogetthemtoopenup. Forinstance,AvoidantAlexmaybeabletosuccessfullyshirkSecureSarah’spushesforincreasedintimacy.Afterwhich,SecureSarahwillaccepttherejectionandmoveon.ButAnxiousAnnawillonlybecomemoredeterminedbyamanwhopushesheraway.She’llresorttocallinghimforweeksormonthsonenduntilhefinallycavesandcommitstoher.ThisgivesAvoidantAlexthereassuranceheneedsthathecanbehaveindependentlyandAnxiousAnnawillwaitaroundforhim. Oftentheserelationshipsproducesomedegreeofdysfunctionalequilibriumastheyfallintoapatternofchaser-chasee,whicharebothrolestheanxiousandavoidanttypesneedinordertofeelcomfortablewithintimacy. Anxious-avoidantsonlydateeachotherortheleastsecureoftheanxioustypesoravoidanttypes.Theserelationshipsareverymessy,ifnotdownrightabusiveornegligent. Whatallofthisaddsupto,whichisthesameconclusionIproposeinmybook,isthatinrelationships,insecurityfindsinsecurityandsecurityfindssecurity,evenifthoseinsecuritiesdon’talwayslookthesame.18Toputitbluntly,toeveryonewhohasemailedmeovertheyearscomplainingthatallofthepeopletheymeetareinsecure,orhavetrustissues,orareneedyandmanipulative…well,let’sjustsayIhavesomebadnewsforyou. What’sYourAttachmentStyle? Ifyoudon’thaveanideaofwhatyourattachmentstyleisyetandwanttotakeatest,youcantakethisone.It’sagreatresourcethatwillgiveyouanideaofyourattachmentstyleacrossdifferentrelationships—parents,friends,romanticpartners. Ialsoreallylikeitbecauseyoucantrackhowvariousaspectsofyourattachmentstrategychangeovertime. Ifyoudon’twanttotakethetest(takesmaybe10minutes),thegistofitisthis:ifyou’reconsistentlyavoidingcommitment,avoidingyourromanticpartners,shuttingthemout,ornotsharingthingswiththem,thenyou’reprobablyprettyavoidant. Ifyou’reconstantlyworryingaboutyourpartners,feelliketheydon’tlikeyouasmuchasyoulikethem,wanttoseethem24/7,needconstantreassurancefromthem,thenyou’reprobablyanxious. Ifyou’recomfortabledatingpeople,beingintimatewiththemandareabletodrawclearboundariesinyourrelationships,butalsodon’tmindbeingalone,thenyou’reprobablysecure. Note,however,thattherearesomeindividualdifferencesinhowstronglywemightidentifywitheachattachmentstyle.Forexample,youmightbesecurelyattachedinmostareasbuthavesomeanxiousoravoidanttendenciesinothersituations. Thatsaid,mostpeopletypicallyhaveapredominantattachmentstyletheytendtofallbackonintheircloserelationships. CanYourAttachmentStyleChange? Thegoodnewsisthatyourattachmentstylecanchangeovertime—althoughit’sslowanddifficult. Researchshowsthatananxiousoravoidantwhoentersalong-termrelationshipwithasecurecanbe“raisedup”tothelevelofthesecureoveranextendedperiodoftime.Unfortunately,ananxiousoravoidantisalsocapableof“bringingdown”asecuretotheirlevelofinsecurityifthey’renotcareful.19 Also,extremenegativelifeevents,suchasdivorce,deathofchild,seriousaccident,etc.,cancauseasecureattachmenttypetofallintoamoreinsecureattachmenttype.20 Forinstance,anonymousmanmaybemoreorlesssecure,getmarriedtoAnxiousAnna,bringheruptoamoresecurelevel,butwhentheyrunintomoneytroubleshefallsbacktoheranxiouslevel,cheatsonhimandthendivorceshimforallofhismoney,sendinghimintoatailspinofavoidance.Anonymousgoesontoignoreintimacyandpump-and-dumpwomenforthenext10years,afraidtobecomeintimatewithanyofthem. Ifyou’rebeginningtothinkthatanxiousand/oravoidantbehaviorcorrespondstothefakealphasyndromeandotherinsecurebehaviorIdescribeinmeninmybook,thenyou’recorrect.Ourattachmentstylesareintimatelyconnectedwithourconfidenceinourselvesandothers. PsychologistsBartholomewandHorowitzhavehypothesizedamodelshowingthatone’sattachmentstrategycorrespondstothedegreeofpositive/negativeself-image,andthepositive/negativeimageofothers.21 Securesexhibitbothpositiveself-imagesandpositiveperceptionsofothers.Anxioustypesexhibitnegativeself-images,butpositiveperceptionsofothers(hencetheirneedybehavior). Avoidantsexhibitpositiveself-imagesandnegativeperceptionsofothers(hencetheirarroganceandfearofcommitment),andanxious-avoidantsexhibitnegativeperceptionsofjustabouteverythingandeveryone(hencetheirinabilitytofunctioninrelationships). Usingthismodelasaroadmap,onecanbegintonavigateoneselftoamoresecureattachmenttype. Anxioustypescanworkondevelopingthemselves,creatinghealthyboundariesandfosteringahealthyself-image.Insteadofconstantlylookingfor“theone”whowillmagicallysolvealltheirproblems(andthencallingthem36timesinonenight),theycanlookforthingsthatwillmakethemabetter,healthierpersonbothinbodyandmind. Oneofmymostcommonpiecesofdatingadviceisformentofindsomethingthey’repassionateaboutandgoodatandmakethatafocalpointoftheirliferatherthanwomen.Needlesstosay,thesamegoesforwomenaswell. Oncethey’recontentwithwhotheyare,anxioustypescanthenworktobecomemoreawareoftheirtendencytoseekpartnersthatreaffirmtheirnegativeself-image.22 RememberwhatIsaidaboutinsecurityfindinginsecurity?Anxioustypeswilldowelltobreakoutofthatcycleandsurroundthemselveswithpeople,friendsandloversalike,wholiftthemup,ratherthanknockthemdown.Andtodeepenthoserelationships.Thepositiveemotionalexperiencestheygetfromhealthyrelationships,especiallyprofoundoneslikewithaspouse,willre-shapetheirviewoftheworld,reducetheiranxieties,andhelpmoldthemintomoresecuretypes.23 Avoidanttypescanworkonopeningthemselvesuptoothers,andenrichtheirrelationshipsthroughsharingthemselvesmore.Researchshowsthatsimplynotavoidingrelationshipscanhelpavoidantsmoveawayfromtheiravoidanttendency.24Andsimilartoanxioustypes,avoidantsshouldstopseekingtoreaffirmtheirviewoftheworldwitheverysinglepersontheymeet—noteveryoneisuntrustworthyorclingy. Anotheroneofmymostcommonpiecesofadvicetopeopleisthatit’syourresponsibilitytofindsomethinggreatineveryoneyoumeet.It’snottheirresponsibilitytoshowyou.Becomecurious.Stopbeingjudgmental. Fortheunluckyfewwhofindthemselvesbothanxiousandavoidant,theycanfollowtheadviceforbothtypesabove.Focusongettingtoknowthemselves,theirfearsandinsecurities,embracethem,andlearntoworkwiththem,ratherthanagainstthem.Afewsimpletoolstohelpthemdothisarejournalingandmeditation.Professionaltherapycanalsobeeffective.25 Andofcourse,someofyoumaybereadingthisandthinking,“IlikebeingaloneandbeingabletosleepwithwhoeverIwant.Iwouldn’tchangeathing.”Andit’strue—manypeopleleadhappy,successfullivesasavoidantoranxioustypes.Someevenhavesuccessfullong-termrelationshipsasananxiousoravoidant. Butresearchshowssecuresareconsistentlymorehappyandfeelmoresupported,26arelesslikelytobecomedepressed,27arehealthier,28retainmorestablerelationships,andbecomemoresuccessful29thantheothertypes. AndIcantellyoufrommypersonalexperience,I’vefeltmyselfdriftoutofastrongavoidant(andslightlyanxious)attachmenttypetoamoresecureattachmenttypeoverthepastsixyearsofworkingonmyselfinthisarea.AndIcanunequivocallysaythatI’mhappierandmorefulfilledinmyrelationshipsandwiththewomenIdatenowthanIeverwasbackthen. Iwouldn’ttradeitbackforanything. Footnotes Collins,N.L.,&Read,S.J.(1990).Adultattachment,workingmodels,andrelationshipqualityindatingcouples.JournalofPersonalityandSocialPsychology,58(4),644–663.↵ Ainsworth,M.S.,&Bowlby,J.(1991).Anethologicalapproachtopersonalitydevelopment.AmericanPsychologist,46(4),333.↵ Bartholomew,K.,Kwong,M.J.,&Hart,S.D.(2001).Attachment.InHandbookofpersonalitydisorders:Theory,research,andtreatment(pp.196–230).NewYork,NY,US:GuilfordPress.↵ Seethisstudyforhow“Secures”scoreinaninterviewacross15personalityaspects.Thosenotmentionedhereinclude:balanceofcontrolinromanticrelationshipsandfriendships,cryingfrequency,andwarmth.↵ Mickelson,K.D.,Kessler,R.C.,&Shaver,P.R.(1997).Adultattachmentinanationallyrepresentativesample.JournalofPersonalityandSocialPsychology,73(5),1092.↵ Ciocca,G.,Zauri,S.,Limoncin,E.,Mollaioli,D.,D’Antuono,L.,Carosa,E.,Nimbi,F.M.,Simonelli,C.,Balercia,G.,Reisman,Y.,&Jannini,E.A.(2019).AttachmentStyle,SexualOrientation,andBiologicalSexintheirRelationshipsWithGenderRole.SexualMedicine,8(1),76–83.↵ Bartholomew,K.,&Horowitz,L.M.(1991).Attachmentstylesamongyoungadults:Atestofafour-categorymodel.JournalofPersonalityandSocialPsychology,61(2),226–244.↵ Bartholomew,K.,&Horowitz,L.M.(1991).Attachmentstylesamongyoungadults:Atestofafour-categorymodel.JournalofPersonalityandSocialPsychology,61(2),226–244.↵ Ciocca,G.,Zauri,S.,Limoncin,E.,Mollaioli,D.,D’Antuono,L.,Carosa,E.,Nimbi,F.M.,Simonelli,C.,Balercia,G.,Reisman,Y.,&Jannini,E.A.(2019).AttachmentStyle,SexualOrientation,andBiologicalSexintheirRelationshipsWithGenderRole.SexualMedicine,8(1),76–83.↵ Bartholomew,K.,&Horowitz,L.M.(1991).Attachmentstylesamongyoungadults:Atestofafour-categorymodel.JournalofPersonalityandSocialPsychology,61(2),226–244.↵ Shaver,P.R.,&Mikulincer,M.(2002).Attachment-relatedpsychodynamics.Attachment&HumanDevelopment,4(2),133–161.↵ Maunder,R.,&Hunter,J.(2012).APrototype-BasedModelofAdultAttachmentforClinicians.PsychodynamicPsychiatry,40,549–573.↵ Bartholomew,K.,&Horowitz,L.M.(1991).Attachmentstylesamongyoungadults:Atestofafour-categorymodel.JournalofPersonalityandSocialPsychology,61(2),226–244.↵ Caspers,K.M.,Yucuis,R.,Troutman,B.,&Spinks,R.(2006).Attachmentasanorganizerofbehavior:implicationsforsubstanceabuseproblemsandwillingnesstoseektreatment.SubstanceAbuseTreatment,Prevention,andPolicy,1(1),32.↵ ChrisFraley,R.(2002).AttachmentStabilityFromInfancytoAdulthood:Meta-AnalysisandDynamicModelingofDevelopmentalMechanisms.PersonalityandSocialPsychologyReview,6(2),123–151.↵ Kirkpatrick,L.A.,&Hazan,C.(1994).Attachmentstylesandcloserelationships:Afour-yearprospectivestudy.PersonalRelationships,1(2),123–142.↵ Kirkpatrick,L.A.,&Davis,K.E.(1994).Attachmentstyle,gender,andrelationshipstability:Alongitudinalanalysis.JournalofPersonalityandSocialPsychology,66(3),502–512.↵ Vicary,A.M.,&Fraley,R.C.(2007).ChooseYourOwnAdventure:AttachmentDynamicsinaSimulatedRelationship.PersonalityandSocialPsychologyBulletin,33(9),1279–1291.↵ Arriaga,X.B.,Kumashiro,M.,Simpson,J.A.,&Overall,N.C.(2018).RevisingWorkingModelsAcrossTime:RelationshipSituationsThatEnhanceAttachmentSecurity.PersonalityandSocialPsychologyReview,22(1),71–96.↵ Davila,J.,Burge,D.,&Hammen,C.(1997).Whydoesattachmentstylechange?JournalofPersonalityandSocialPsychology,73(4),826–838.↵ Bartholomew,K.,&Horowitz,L.M.(1991).Attachmentstylesamongyoungadults:atestofafour-categorymodel.JournalofPersonalityandSocialPsychology,61(2),226.↵ Collins,N.L.,&Read,S.J.(1990).Adultattachment,workingmodels,andrelationshipqualityindatingcouples.JournalofPersonalityandSocialPsychology,58(4),644–663.↵ Epstein,S.(1980).Self-concept:Areviewandtheproposalofanintegratedtheoryofpersonality.InE.Staub(Ed.),Personality:Basicissuesandcurrentresearch.EnglewoodCliffs,NJ:Prentice-Hall.↵ Thislongitudinalstudyfindsthatavoidantswhoinitiatenewrelationshipsduringthestudyarelesslikelytoremainavoidantthanthosewhodonot.↵ Researchshowsthatcompellingemotionalexperiencesthatresultfromastrongprofessionalrelationshipwithatherapist(notaromanticone,mindyou)couldhelpchangeone’sexistingmodeloftheworld.↵ Ognibene,T.C.,&Collins,N.L.(1998).Adultattachmentstyles,perceivedsocialsupportandcopingstrategies.JournalofSocialandPersonalRelationships,15(3),323–345.↵ Roberts,J.E.,Gotlib,I.H.,&Kassel,J.D.(1996).Adultattachmentsecurityandsymptomsofdepression:Themediatingrolesofdysfunctionalattitudesandlowself-esteem.JournalofPersonalityandSocialPsychology,70(2),310–320.↵ Feeney,J.A.(2000).Implicationsofattachmentstyleforpatternsofhealthandillness.Child:Care,Health&Development,26(4),277–288.↵ Blustein,D.L.,Prezioso,M.S.,&Schultheiss,D.P.(1995).AttachmentTheoryandCareerDevelopment:CurrentStatusandFutureDirections.TheCounselingPsychologist,23(3),416–432.↵ DitchtheToxicRelationshipCycleRelationshipscanbecomplicatedanddifficult.Butfewpeopleknowthattherearesomeprettyclearsignalstoknowifarelationshipisgoingtoworkornot.Putyouremailintheformbelowtoreceivemy51-pageebookonhealthyrelationships.You'llalsogetmymonthlynewsletter,lovinglycalledMindfuckMonthly.Youcanoptoutatanytime.Seemyprivacypolicy.Joinmynewsletterandgetafreeebook"3IdeastoChangeYourLife"PrivacyPolicy|Close:Don'tshowthisagainSubscribetomychannelonYoutubeClose:Don'tshowthisagainWait!HereAre3IdeasThatCouldChangeYourLifeLearnabouttheideathattransformedadepresseddeadbeatintooneofthemostimportantphilosopherswhoeverlived.Readaboutitinmyfree19-pageebook.I'mnotinterested.Readthisinmyappforabetterexperience.Open