Having an Avoidant Attachment Style Isn't a Relationship ...

Avoidant attachment, wherein our caregiver(s) dismissed or didn't respond to our needs, resulting in a drive to fiercely protect ourselves ... SkiptomaincontentFitnessWorkoutsShapeUpRunningYogaFoodHealthyEatingNutritionWeightLossRecipesCookingHealthMentalHealthSexual&ReproductiveHealthPregnancy&MotherhoodSleepLoveSexRelationshipsWeddingsSingleLifeBreakupsBeautyMakeupHairFashionNailsSkinCultureCareerMoneyTravelEntertainmentTechnologyFamilySportsPoliticsConditionallyVideoSpringChallengeWorkoutsColumnistsNewsletterSignupAttachmenttheoryseemstobepoppingupeverywhere,frommypersonallifetomyqueercommunityto#therapishInstagram.Andforgoodreason:Itcanbeahelpfulframeworkforunderstandingourcurrentrelationshippatternsandthepastexperiencesthatshapedthem,givingusapathwaytowardmakingmeaning—andmeaningfulchange.Whatisattachmenttheory?Originallyconceivedinthelate1950sbydevelopmentalpsychologistsJohnBowlby,M.D.,andMaryAinsworth,Ph.D.,attachmenttheorywasmeanttohelpexplorechildren’srelationshipstotheircaregivers.Later,inthe1980s,CindyHazan,Ph.D.,associateprofessorofpsychologyatCornellUniversity,andPhillipShaver,Ph.D.,directoroftheAdultAttachmentLabatUCDavis,appliedthesameideastoadultromanticrelationships:Howdowe“attach”topeopletaskedwithmeetingourneeds?Andhowmightourrelationshipswithourcaregiversinchildhoodimpacthowweshowupinromanticrelationshipsasadults?AccordingtoDr.HazanandDr.Shaver,therearefouradultattachmentstyles.Eachoneismostcommonlyassociatedwithacertaintypeofrelationshipwithcaregiversinchildhood.Butit'salsopossibletohaveanattachmentstylethatdoesn'tlineupwithyourchildhoodexperiencesinexactlythisway.Therearealotofnuancesinvolvedwithattachmentstyles,fromhowtheyformtohowtheymanifest.Withthatsaid,herearethefourattachmentstylestoknow:Secureattachment,whereinouremotionalneedsweremetinchildhoodand,asaresult,we’regenerallytrustingof(andfeelsafebeingvulnerablewith)others.Anxiousattachment,whereourcaregiver(s)oscillatedbetweenresponsiveandunavailable,leavingusdesperatelysearchingforsafety.Avoidantattachment,whereinourcaregiver(s)dismissedordidn’trespondtoourneeds,resultinginadrivetofiercelyprotectourselvesbypushingothersaway.Disorganizedattachment,whereourcaregiver(s)wereasourceoffearbecausetheywereunpredictableorabusive,andsowetryeverythingunderthesun(bothanxiousandavoidantbehaviors)togetourneedsmet.It’simportanttonotethatattachmentstylesarenotpsychologicaldiagnoses.Rather,attachmenttheoryismorelikeamapthatcanshowusourrelationalfears,wheretheycamefrom,andwhatcopingmechanismswe’vedevelopedinordertofeelsafer.InherbookPolysecure:Attachment,Trauma,andConsensualNon-monogamy,registeredpsychotherapistJessicaFernexplainsitthisway:“Earlychildhoodattachmentexperiencesbecometheblueprintforthekindsofconnectionswegoontoexpectandseekinouradultromanticrelationships.”Whateveryourattachmentstyle,healthyandsaferelationshipsarepossible.Sure,secureattachmentmightmakeitalittleeasiertothriveinconnectionwithothers.Butanxious,avoidant,anddisorganizedattachersaren’tdoomed.Attachmentstylesare“justvariationsofthenormandareamixedbag—theyhavetheiradvantagesanddisadvantages,”AmirLevine,M.D.,psychiatristandneuroscientistatColumbiaUniversityandco-authorofAttached:TheNewScienceofAdultAttachmentandHowItCanHelpYouFind—AndKeep—Love,tellsSELF.Thekeyisinbeingawareofhowyourattachmentshowsup—andhowitinteractswithapotentialpartner’s.Beingcognizantofhowdifferentwemightbefromourpartnersisagreatfirststepinbeingabletosolve(andevenprevent)conflictinrelationshipsingeneral,andattachmentisnodifferent,Dr.Levinenotes.What’sthedealwithavoidantattachers,though?Avoidantattachers,withtheirgenerallikelihoodtokeeptheirinternalworldsprivateandshyawayfromemotionallydifficultconversations,canbeespeciallyhardtocrack.Avoidantlyattachedpeopleareproneto“shuttingdown,numbing,rigidcompartmentalizing,andpushingaway,”MaryChen,LFMT,tellsSELF.Andthesesuppressiontechniquescanfeel“exactlylikerejection”totheirpartners,makingithardtoapproach—andthereforeunderstand—avoidants!Thecold,distant,walled-upavoidantprototypeisoneIunderstandalltoowell—becauseI,myself,amavoidantlyattached.Andworkingthroughhowthatdevelopedinmychildhoodandshowsupinmyromanticrelationshipshasbeenmymainworkintherapyoverthepasttwoyears.Igrewupwithparentswhowereoftendismissiveorpunishingofmyemotions,whichtaughtmethatvulnerabilityisunsafeandmyemotionsshouldbekepttomyself.Thatmeantdevelopingthebeliefthatotherpeoplearegenerallynottobetrustedtofulfillmyneeds.Igrewintosomeonewhohighlyvaluesindependenceandself-control—andwhostrugglestoreachoutwhenIneedsupport.“Icantakecareofitmyself”becamemyphilosophy.Now,asanadult,Isometimesfeelandactdesperatetoavoidemotionality,inbothmyselfandothers.Vulnerabilityishardforme(likereallyhard—sometimesitevenbringsupavisceralfeelingofdisgust).Itcantakealongtimeformetotrustandtakemywallsdown.Irequiremoretimeandspacealonetoprocessandregulatemyemotionsthanotherpeoplemight.Whenconflictarises,Ishutdownpsychologicallyandtendtobedefensive,sometimesgoingasfarasdegradingothersfortheiremotionalexpression.AndI’malsoquicktointerpretfeedbackascriticism.Ifthissoundslikeyou,too,you’renotalone:AccordingtoHazanandShaver’sseminalworkinthe1980s,inwhichtheyanalyzed620self-reportedquestionnaires,avoidantattachersmakeup25%ofthepopulation—andDr.Levineestimatesthatnumbercouldbeevenhighernow.Often,thoseofuswhoareavoidantlyattachedcanbeinterpretedasstoicorhavingourshittogether,wheninreality,wehavedeeprelationalfears(usuallyofbecomingenmeshedwithourpartnersandlosingourautonomy)andareinneedofcare.Butourstruggletofeelsafeenoughtoshareouremotionalworldsleavesourpartnersstumpedbyourbehaviorandnotknowinghowtocareforus.Tobeclear,movingpastthisshouldideallybemostlyourwork.Thoseofuswhoareavoidantlyattachedhavejustasmuchresponsibilityasanyoneelsetounderstandourrelationalpatterns—inalloftheirgloryandtheirharm—andtoworktowardlearningnewskillstoshowupmoresafely.MostPopular105GiftsYourBoyfriendWillActuallyWanttoReceiveByTiffanyDodson10GreatStretchestoDoAfteranUpper-BodyWorkoutByAmyMarturanaWinderl,C.P.T.MeetDaxxify,aNewBotoxAlternativeThatWasJustApprovedbytheFDAByJuliaRiesPeoplewhoareavoidantlyattachedcanstrugglewithawarenessofhowwe’reshowingup(andwhyit’sharmful),butDr.Levinesaysthatit’samyththatavoidantsarelesslikelytoworkonhealingtheirattachmentthanthosewithotherattachmentstyles.Ofcourse,agreatwaytounderstandyourtraumaandcourse-correctrelatedbehaviorsistoworkwithatherapist(youcanevensearchfortherapistswhosaytheyhaveanattachmentspecializationonPsychologyToday’sdatabase).Anddon’tunderestimatethepowerofsaferelationships.“Peoplecanattunetheirattachmentsystemstothefeelingofsafetybyhavinghealingrelationships,”Chenexplains.“Anylong-term,emotionallyintimaterelationship—includingfriendship—canbeagoodplacetopracticenoticingwhatyouneedfromsomeone,andfindingwaystoaskforit.”Ifyouwanttobeinarelationshipwithsomeonewhoisavoidantlyattached,especiallyifyouidentifyasanxiouslyattached,youmighthavetoputinworktoo—onbothyourownrelationalstyleandonhowtomakeyouravoidantpartnerfeelsafer.Don’tgetmewrong:There’sadifferencebetweensomeonewho’sactinglikeatotaljerk(andsay,stringingyoualongwithsporadiccommunication)andsomeonewhohasavoidantattachmenttendenciesbutisotherwiseacaringandsupportivepartner.Ifavoidantbehaviorsfromanotherpersonfreakoutyournervoussystemorotherwisefeellikeredflags,that’saperfectlyacceptablereasontoendaconnection—nomatterhowmuchworktheavoidantpersonisputtingin!You’reneverrequiredtostayinrelationshipsthatdon’tfeelgoodforyou,andattachmentdifferencescanbeparticularlychallenging.Butifyou’relookingforideasonhowtohaveahealthierrelationshipwithyouravoidantpartner,Ihavegreatnews:It’spossible.Dr.Levineexplainsthatthebestwaytoworkwith,insteadofagainst,yourpartner’sattachmentistotendtotheirinternalattachmentsystembeforeit’sactivated.So,whetheryou’reavoidantlyattachedorcareaboutsomeonewhois(orboth),letmebetheavoidantwhispererandhelpexplainwhathappensformanyofuspsychologicallyinrelationships,alongwithhowourpartnerscansupportus.Here’swhattoknowabouthowavoidantsshowup—andhowtoshowupforus.Aswithanythingelserelatedtohumanfeelingsandbehavior,avoidantattachersaren’tallthesame.Thespecificsofhowavoidantattachmentmanifests—andhowbesttoworkthrougharelationshipwithanavoidantattacher—candifferfrompersontoperson.Buttherearestillsomebroadstrokesthatexpertsonthesubjectandavoidantattachersthemselvesfindithelpfultounderstand.Ourcaregivers’misattunementreallyhurtus.Fernexplainsthat“parentingthatiscold,distant,critical,orhighlyfocusedonachievementorappearancecancreateanenvironmentwherethechildlearnsthattheyarebetteroffrelyingonthemselves.”Thislackofsensitivitythatwereceivedaschildrenconditionedourbrainstoseevulnerabilityasweakness—onasurvivallevel.Everythingthatcameafterwardinlifedevelopedontopofthisfoundation.We’renottryingtobedifficultinourindependence.Ourbrainsjustaren’ttrainedinhowtodoanythingelse.MostPopular105GiftsYourBoyfriendWillActuallyWanttoReceiveByTiffanyDodson10GreatStretchestoDoAfteranUpper-BodyWorkoutByAmyMarturanaWinderl,C.P.T.MeetDaxxify,aNewBotoxAlternativeThatWasJustApprovedbytheFDAByJuliaRiesWeactuallydocraveintimacy.“Avoidantsdofeelintenseemotions,includingdeepandconsuminglove,”Iris*,26,whoidentifiesasavoidantlyattached,tellsSELF.Wejustneedtofeellikeourindependenceisintactbeforewecanletourwallsdownandconnect.Dr.Levine,inhispracticewithclientsandinhisupcomingbook,drawsasimilaritybetweengainingthetrustofavoidantattachersandwinningoveroutdoorcats:Leavethefoodoutandtheywillcome,hesays.Inotherwords,giveustimeandspacetodeveloptrust,insofarasthatworksforyou,andwewilleventuallyfeelsafewithyou.Wefeelalot.Avoidantlyattachedadultsarefeelingalotmorethanwe’relettingon.Whenwefeelemotionallydistressed,insteadofreachingoutward,wetendtodelveinward.Ifwe’reshuttingdown,it’slikelyasignthatwe’resofloodedwithemotionthatwefeeloverwhelmed.“Bigemotionscanbeoverwhelmingandhardtosortintowords,”Irissays.“AndItendtoremainquietaboutthemforthatreason.”Itcantakelongerthanmightbecomfortableforyouforustoprocessourfeelingsandexpressthemclearly.Wemayneedtopauseconversationswhenwefeeldysregulatedandcomebacktothemlater.It’sourresponsibilitytocommunicatethat—andmakegoodonthepromisetoreturntothediscussion.It’shelpful,though,ifyoudon’tpushustotalkwhenwe’reactivated.Weneedhelpbeingvulnerable.“Whenanavoidantlyattachedpersonexperiencestheirhumanvulnerability,itcanbereallyuncomfortableandevenflat-outterrifying,”Chenexplains.“Theirhistoryhasconvincedthemthatthoseneedswon’tbemet,sotheyreallywanttogetawayfromthatfeeling.”But,ofcourse,vulnerabilityisakeypartofintimacy.Onourend,weneedtoworkonunlearningvulnerabilityasscary.Onyours,creatingasafeatmosphereforustopracticevulnerability,solongasthat’salsosafeforyou,canhelpuslearnthisnewskillset.Yes,weneedtimeandspacealone,butthat’saboutus,notyou.Thewaythatavoidantsregainasenseofsafetyisgenerallythroughself-regulation.Allowingustimeandspacealonecanhelpbuildthetrustthatweneedtoconnect.Givenamplealonetimetobuildsafety,Dr.Levineexplains,avoidantattacherscan(anddo)becomemorecomfortableinrelationshipsanddesiremoreintimacy—takingcareofourselvesallowsustobeabletoshowupasmorepresentandhealthyinourrelationships.Communicationearlyonaboutexpectationsaroundtimetogetherandapartcanhelpmanageeveryone’sneeds—orletyouknowifapotentialromanticpartnershipisamismatch.Weareincrediblysensitivetocriticism—realandperceived.Manyavoidantshaveadeep-downfearofbeing“wrong,”oftryingourhardestandsomehowstillfailing.Chenexplainsthatwhile“beingsensitivetocriticismishealthy,”avoidantlyattachedpeoplecanbe“moredysfunctionallysensitivetocriticismwhentheydon’ttrustthatthey’relovableevenwhenthey’reflawed.”Shesuggeststhatifsomeonewantstoofferfeedbacktosomeonewho’savoidant,theyshould“findnonthreateningcontextsfortheconversation”likesittingsidebysideorgoingforawalk.Andwhenitcomestodeliveringyourconcerns,using“Istatements”andfindingcommongroundcankeeptheconversationfrombecomingcontentious.It’sworthrepeating:Intheend,usavoidantpeopleareresponsibleforourowngrowth.Asupportiverelationshipcan,asImentioned,goalongwaytowardhelpingavoidantsfeelmoretrustingandcomfortablewithintimacy,buttherealworklieswithus.And,likemostself-improvementpursuits,Dr.Levinesaysthatthefirststeptohealingourattachmentisacceptingourselves.“It’sreally,reallyimportantforavoidantlyattachedpeopletounderstandthat,yes,theremaybeaneedtohavealittlebitmoredistancefrompeople,butthat’sokay,”hesays.“Youdon’thavetobeatyourselfupforit.”That’showI’mworkingwithmyattachment:allowingittobethefoundationthatitis,whilealsolearningnewwaystorespondinrelationships—throughlotsofpractice.Andfeelingmoredeeplyunderstoodandreceivingcompassionfromothersreallygoesalongwayincreatingthesafetyformetodojustthat.*Namehasbeenchanged.Related:13SignsIt’sTimetoConsiderTherapy20RelationshipBooksThatWillHelpYouBeaBetterPartnerandFriendFightingFairIsaSkill—HereAre12Therapist-ApprovedTipsSELFdoesnotprovidemedicaladvice,diagnosis,ortreatment.Anyinformationpublishedonthiswebsiteorbythisbrandisnotintendedasasubstituteformedicaladvice,andyoushouldnottakeanyactionbeforeconsultingwithahealthcareprofessional.Topicsrelationshipsdating8RelationshipGreenFlagsYouShouldDefinitelyPayAttentionToTheygiveyouspaceandsticktotheirword.SELF+JimmyJaneJustLaunched3NewSexToysOursexualwellnesscollectionwithJimmyJanekeepsgrowing.WhyPeloton’sRobinArzónBelieves‘Balance’IsActuallyaMythHere’showshetackleshergoalsinstead.3ThingstoDoWhenYou’reStressedAboutBailingonSocialPlansItprobablycomesdowntounmetneeds.HowtoFeelLessDepletedbytheEndoftheWorkweekSoyou’renotlivingfortheweekend(andtooexhaustedtoenjoyit).IAlwaysCryAfterComing—ShouldIBeWorried?Itcouldbenothing,oritcouldbesomethingdeeperbubblingtothesurface.IsItDepressionorIsItJust...Everything?The2022StoryItcanbehardtogetexcitedaboutlifeaftereverythingwe’vebeenthrough.HowtoHaveGood(andSafe!)SexinCollegeFromprioritizingpleasuretoplanningahead.