Fearful Avoidant Attachment: What This Means in Relationships

Fearful avoidant attachment. This last attachment style occurs in people who responded to a lack of bonding by becoming fearful of future bonds. HealthConditionsFeaturedBreastCancerIBDMigraineMultipleSclerosis(MS)RheumatoidArthritisType2DiabetesSponsoredTopicsArticlesAcidRefluxADHDAllergiesAlzheimer's&DementiaBipolarDisorderCancerCrohn'sDiseaseChronicPainCold&FluCOPDDepressionFibromyalgiaHeartDiseaseHighCholesterolHIVHypertensionIPFOsteoarthritisPsoriasisSkinDisordersandCareSTDsDiscoverWellnessTopicsNutritionFitnessSkinCareSexualHealthWomen'sHealthMentalHealthSleepOriginalSeriesFreshFoodFastDiagnosisDiariesYou’reNotAlonePresentTenseVideoSeriesYouthinFocusHealthyHarvestNoMoreSilenceFutureofHealthPlanHealthChallengesMindfulEatingSugarSavvyMoveYourBodyGutHealthMoodFoodsAlignYourSpineFindCarePrimaryCareMentalHealthOB-GYNDermatologistsNeurologistsCardiologistsOrthopedistsLifestyleQuizzesWeightManagementAmIDepressed?AQuizforTeensAreYouaWorkaholic?HowWellDoYouSleep?Tools&ResourcesHealthNewsFindaDietFindHealthySnacksDrugsA-ZHealthA-ZConnectFindYourBezzyCommunityBreastCancerInflammatoryBowelDiseasePsoriaticArthritisMigraineMultipleSclerosisPsoriasisFollowusonsocialmediaShopProductsbyConditionInsomniaStressReliefBackPainNeckPainSleepApneaHotSleepersAllergiesPainReliefProductReviewsVitamins&SupplementsSleepMentalHealthNutritionAt-HomeTestingCBDMen’sHealthWomen’sHealthHealthConditionsDiscoverPlanConnectShopSubscribeSexualHealthSexQsIdentityPleasureBirthcontrolRelationshipsHowFearfulAvoidantAttachmentAffectsRelationshipsMedicallyreviewedbyTimothyJ.Legg,PhD,PsyD—ByKimberlyHollandonDecember11,2019AttachmentstylesInchildhoodSignsInrelationshipsTreatmentsHowtocopeTakeawayShareonPinterestHumanslearntoattach,orconnect,tooneanotherthroughtheirrelationshipswiththeirparents.Babieswhohavetheirneedsmetaremorelikelytodevelopsecure,emotionallystrongpersonalities.Babieswhodon’thavetheirneedsmetmaydevelopanxious,avoidant,andevenfearfulpersonalities.Thetypeofpersonalityyoudevelopcandetermineagreatdealaboutyourlife.Inparticular,itplaysasignificantroleinhowyoufindandmaintainrelationships.Peoplewhodevelopafearfulavoidantattachmentstyleoftendesirecloseness.Theyseekintimacyfrompartners.However,theymaybeunabletoachievethedeepconnectiontheylongfor.That’sbecausetheirattachmentexperienceshavetaughtthemtobefearfulofintimacy.Insomecases,theirpersonalityleadsthemtoevenrejectclosebonds.Thiscanspuracycleofrockyrelationshipsandextremeemotionalhighsandlows.Understandingfearfulavoidantattachmentcanhelpyouunderstandwhyyoureactthewayyoudoinrelationships.Ifyoubelievealovedonehasthisstyleofattachment,understandingwheretheinstinctscomefrommayalsohelpyourespondtothem,too.Ultimately,however,therearewaystorelearnattachmentsoyouoryourlovedonecanhavehealthierrelationships.AttachmentstylesSeveraltypesofattachmentstylesarebornoutofthefirstyearsofaperson’slife.Thesebroadattachmentstylesinclude:Securevs.insecureInfantswhohavetheirneedsmetdevelopsecureattachments.They’remorelikelytofeelconfidentandtrusting.Peoplewhodidn’thavetheirearliestneedsmet,orthosewhofacedadversityduringthattime,maybelesssecureinthemselves.Theymayalsofindformingintimaterelationshipsdifficult.AnxiouspreoccupiedIndividualswithaninsecureattachmentstylecandevelopcharacteristicsthatfurtherdefinewhytheyhavesuchahardtimeformingbondswithothers.Peoplewithanxiouspreoccupiedattachment,forexample,greatlydesiretofeelwanted.Theyspendalotoftimethinkingaboutrelationshipsandidolizetheirfuturepartners.Inturn,theyrequirefrequentreassuranceandvalidation.Thatcanbetaxingonapartneranddifficulttomaintain.DismissiveavoidantattachmentPeoplewiththisstyleofattachmenthaveahardtimebeingopenwithothers.Theyoftenrejectemotionaloverturesfromlovedonesorpotentialpartners.Thisself-isolationcanultimatelyleadtopeoplefeelingrelationshipsaren’tworththetrouble.FearfulavoidantattachmentThislastattachmentstyleoccursinpeoplewhorespondedtoalackofbondingbybecomingfearfuloffuturebonds.Theydo,however,oftenstillwantrelationships.Infact,theymayactivelyseekthemout.Butwhentherelationshipbecomestooseriousorthepartnerwantsgreaterintimacy,thepersonwithfearfulavoidantattachmentmayrespondbywithdrawingfromtherelationshipentirely.InchildhoodChildrenlearnattachmentbehaviorsfromanearlyage.Ininfancy,babieslearntoattachtoanotherpersonbasedonthebehaviororreactiontheygetfromtheirparents,caregivers,orotherhumans.Iftheattachmentisstrong,thechildmayfeelsecure.Thiscanleadtofuturehealthybonds.Iftheattachmentischallenged,thechildmaystrugglewithfuturerelationshipsandattachments.Theymayfaceinsecurityinthefaceofemotionalsituations.Aschildrengrowolderandenteradulthood,theseemotionalattachmentstylescanhaveprofoundeffects.Aperson’sattachmentstylewillplayintotheirromanticrelationshipsaswellasprofessionalonesandfriendships.SignsPeoplewithfearfulavoidantattachmentmayshowsignslike:stormy,highlyemotionalrelationshipsconflictingfeelingsaboutrelationships(bothwantingaromanticrelationshipandbeingfearfulofbeinghurtorleftbyasignificantother)atendencytoseekoutfaultsinpartnersorfriendssotheycanhaveanexcusetoleavearelationshipresistancetocommitmentandintimacyfearoranxietyaboutbeinginadequateforapartnerorrelationshipwithdrawingfromrelationshipswhenthingsgetintimateoremotionalInrelationshipsPeoplewithfearfulavoidantattachmentarepronetohaverocky,dramaticrelationships.Thesescenariosmayhelpyouunderstandhowpeoplewiththisstyleofattachmentbehaveandwhy.TheymayprefercasualsexWhilepeoplewithfearfulavoidantattachmentactivelywanttohavearelationship,theirinstinctsworkagainsttheirwishes.Theyresisttheintimacythat’snecessaryforarelationship,socasualsexmayfeelsafer.TheymaybeunpredictablePeoplewiththistypeofattachmentstylefearbeingabandoned.Theyalsofearfeelingtrappedinarelationship.Thatmakesthemoscillatebetweenemotionalhighsandlows.Itmaypreventameaningfulrelationshipinthelongterm.Theymayseemunstableorreactionarytoothers.TheymayshutdownrapidlyInthenormalcourseofarelationship,partnersgettoknowoneanother’slikes,dislikes,fears,anxieties,andmore.Whenapersonwithfearfulavoidantattachmentbeginstofeelpushedtosharetheiremotionsandintimatethoughts,theymayshutoffcommunicationentirely.Thisisdesignedtoprotectthemandtheirfearofbeingtooexposed.TreatmentsIt’spossibletochangeyourattachmentstyle.Thoughmostpeopledeveloptheirstylefrominfancy,therapistsandothermentalhealthprofessionalscanworkwithyoutounderstandyourstyle,whyyoureactthewayyoudo,andlearntoadaptnewtechniques.Talktherapyisfoundationalinhelpingpeoplelearntocopewithandeventuallychangefromafearfulavoidantattachmentstyle.Therapistscanidentifyreasonsthepersonmayhaveadaptedthisstyle.Theycanthenworkwithyoutorelearnattachment.Atthesametime,familycounselingorrelationshipcounselingcanhelpyourlovedoneslearntohelpyouworkthroughthesechanges.Agreatdealofattachmentstyleisreinforcedbyothers’behaviors.Ifyoucanworktogether,youmaybeabletorelearnattachmentmoreeasily.HowtocopeIfyouhavefearfulavoidantattachment,orifyou’reinarelationshipwithapersonwhohasthisattachmentstyle,thesetipswillhelpyoulearntocopeasyoubegintobetterunderstandandreshapeyourrelationships.Encourageopenness—butdon’tpushitPeoplewithfearfulavoidantattachmentdeeplydesireintimacy.They’realsoimmenselyterrifiedbyit.Youcanencouragethemtotalkaboutwhatthey’refeelingorwhatfearstheysense,butdon’tbeaggressive.Thiscouldpushthemtoshutdown.BereassuringIfyourpartnerorlovedonehasthisattachmentstyle,theyultimatelyfearyou’llleavethemorthatthey’llwanttoleave.Becomfortingandsupportive.Seeingyou’restickingwiththemthroughthistimeofunderstandingandchangecangoalongwaytobuildingconfidence.ValueyourselfPeoplewithinsecureattachmentsoftenhavelowself-esteem.Thiscanbetroublinginmanyrelationships.Giveyourselfspacetorealizesomerelationshipsareworthyoureffortandsomearen’t.Littlebylittle,youcanfindhealthierwaystocommunicate.Anintimate,long-termrelationshipispossible.DefineboundariesByinstinct,peoplewiththistypeofattachmentstyleoftensetboundaries,mostlyinvisibleones.Theydon’talwaysknowwheretheyareorwhytheyhappen,buttheseboundarieshelpthemfeelsafeinemotionalsituations.Itcanbehelpfultoothersinyourlifeforyoutotrytovocalizethoseboundaries.Tellthemwhatmakesyoufeelfearandwhattriggersyouranxiety.Thiscanhelpyouavoidthemtogether.UnderstandyourinstinctsYouandyourfamilymember,friend,orpartnerarequitedifferent.Youreactindifferentwaystooneanother.Ittakesagreatdealofself-awarenesstorecognizeyourtendenciesandactivelyworktocorrectthem.Ifyoutendtoshutdownwhenemotionalconversationsbegin,apartnercanactivelypushyoutobeopen.Ifyourpartnerbecomesemotionallycharged,youcanemploywaystopromotecalmness.Youcanholdoneanotheraccountable,andyoucanbecomebettercommunicators.Atherapistmaybeabletohelpyoubeginthisprocess.ConsidertherapyPeoplewiththistypeofattachmentstyleoftendon’tknowhowtheyshouldrespondinemotionalsituations.Atherapistcanhelpfacilitateuncomfortableconversationswithyourselfandwithlovedonesabouthowyouortheyfeel.Atherapistcanthenhelpyourelearnhowtoreacttooneanotherinahealthfulway.Here’showtoaccesstherapyforeverybudget.ThebottomlineAttachmentisthefundamentalwayhumanslearntointeractandcommunicatewithoneanother.Somepeoplehavehealthy,strongattachmentstyles.Othersmayhaveattachmentstylesthatarelesssecure.Thiscanleadtoself-destructivebehaviors,likeavoidingrelationshipsandfearingintimacy.Thegoodnewsisyoucanchangeyourattachmentstyle.Itmaytaketime,work,andagreatdealofunderstandingfrompeopleinyourlife.Butit’spossibleforyoutobuildintimate,securerelationshipsthatfulfillyouandhelpyoufeelsafe.LastmedicallyreviewedonDecember11,20194sourcescollapsedHealthlinehasstrictsourcingguidelinesandreliesonpeer-reviewedstudies,academicresearchinstitutions,andmedicalassociations.Weavoidusingtertiaryreferences.Youcanlearnmoreabouthowweensureourcontentisaccurateandcurrentbyreadingoureditorialpolicy.AdamsGC,etal.(2018).Therelationshipbetweenadultattachmentandmentalhealthcareutilization:Asystematicreview.DOI:10.1177/0706743718779933FavezN,etal.(2019).Fearful-avoidantattachment:Aspecificimpactonsexuality?DOI:10.1080/0092623X.2019.1566946RingerJM,etal.(2014).Anxiousandavoidantattachmentstylesandindicatorsofrecoveryinschizophrenia:Associationswithself-esteemandhope.DOI:10.1111/papt.12012SimpsonJA.(2017).Adultattachment,stress,andromanticrelationships.DOI:10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.04.006FEEDBACK:MedicallyreviewedbyTimothyJ.Legg,PhD,PsyD—ByKimberlyHollandonDecember11,2019ReadthisnextHowtoUnderstandandBuildIntimacyinEveryRelationshipMedicallyreviewedbyJanetBrito,Ph.D.,LCSW,CSTSexandromancemaycometomindfirst,butintimacyplaysaroleinothertypesofrelationshipstoo!Readontolearnaboutthedifferenttypes…READMORE7SignsThatIt’sHealthytoBeFriendswithYourExMedicallyreviewedbyJenniferLitner,PhD,LMFT,CSTWelcometothedeliberationstage.It’sacomplexspacetonavigate,requiringseriousself-evaluation.Here'showtoseparatelustfulfantasiesfrom…READMOREWhatDoesItMeantobeIntellectuallyCompatible?Plus,HowtoFosterItMedicallyreviewedbyJanetBrito,Ph.D.,LCSW,CSTLookingforproofthatyouandyourpartner,potentialpartner,orpalareintellectuallycompatible?Here'swhattolookfor.READMOREHere’sHowtoTellIfYouLoveSomeone—andWhattoDoMedicallyreviewedbyJanetBrito,Ph.D.,LCSW,CSTDecodingyourfeelingsandtryingtoidentifywhichtypeofloveyoufeelforsomeonemaynotbetheeasiesttask,butwe'reheretohelp.READMOREHowAttachmentDisordersImpactYourRelationshipsMedicallyreviewedbyJanetBrito,Ph.D.,LCSW,CSTAttachmentdisorderisusuallyachildhooddiagnosis,butattachmentstylescanaffectrelationshipsinadulthood.Learnaboutattachmentdisorderand…READMOREThinkYou’reBeingGaslit?Here’sHowtoRespondMedicallyreviewedbyKendraKubala,PsyDGaslightingcantakeahugetollonyourwell-being,butit’spossibletotakebackcontrol.READMOREDivorceCanFeelDevastating,ButIt’sNottheEnd—12TipstoStartAnewMedicallyreviewedbyJanetBrito,Ph.D.,LCSW,CSTNotsurewhatcomesnextafterdivorce?We'vegotyou.READMOREHowthePandemicBroughtUsCloserMedicallyreviewedbyJenniferLitner,PhD,LMFT,CSTThepandemicchangedourromanticrelationships—largelyforthebetter.READMORE