11 Easy Ways to Overcome Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style
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When you have a fearful avoidant attachment style, you may be signaling to others that you're not interested in connecting with them, even if you don't mean to.
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INTHISARTICLE
1
Practicemindfulness.
2
Challengenegativethoughts.
3
Expressyourfeelings.
4
Openupyourbodylanguage.
5
Raiseyourself-esteem.
6
Spendtimewithyourlovedones.
7
Acceptothersforwhotheyare.
8
Defineyourboundaries.
9
Talktoyourpartner.
10
Getclosetosomeonewithasecureattachment.
11
Makeanappointmentwithamentalhealthprofessional.
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LastUpdated:September21,2022
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Thisarticlewasco-authoredbyLeslieBosch,PhDandbywikiHowstaffwriter,HannahMadden.Dr.LeslieBoschisaDevelopmentalPsychologist,NationalBoardCertifiedHealthandWellnessCoach,andOwnerofBoschIntegrativeWellness.Withover15yearsofexperience,shespecializesinprovidingstressreliefcoachingservicestoindividualsandgroupsusingavarietyofscientificallyprovenmethodsforchangeincludingmotivationalinterviewing,positivepsychology,self-compassion,non-violentcommunication,sociallearningtheory,andself-determinationtheory.Dr.BoschreceivedtrainingfromtheAndrewWeilCenterforIntegrativeMedicineattheUniversityofArizonaandearnedaPhDinHumanDevelopmentandFamilyStudiesfromTheUniversityofArizona.SheisalsoamemberoftheNationalBoardofHealthandWellnessCoachingAssociation.Dr.Boschhaspublishedmanypapersandbeenfeaturedinthemedianumeroustimes.
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Whenyouhaveyourneedsmetasachild,youlearnthatyoucanrelyonthepeoplearoundyou.Butwhenyourneedsareignored,itcancauseyoutodevelopananxious,avoidant,orfearfulattachmentstyle.Thefearfulavoidantattachmentstyleinparticularmightmakeyoucraveclosenessandintimacywhilesimultaneouslyshyingawayfromit.Understandingyourattachmentstyleandwhereitcomesfromcanhelpyourelearnattachmentandworktowardhealthierrelationships.Inthisarticle,we’lltellyoueverythingyouneedtoknowaboutafearfulavoidantattachmentstyleandhowyoucanovercomeit.
Steps
1
Practicemindfulness.
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Staypresentinthemomenttoavoidsuccumbingtofear.Whenyouhaveanavoidantattachmentstyle,itcanbeeasytostartworryingaboutthefuture(orgetstuckinthoughtsfromthepast).Ifyounoticeyourselfdoingthat,trytostaygrounded,andnoticeeverythingaroundyou.Keepfocusingonwhat’shappeningnow,notwhatmighthappeninthefuture.[1]
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TrustworthySource
HelpGuide
Nonprofitorganizationdedicatedtoprovidingfree,evidence-basedmentalhealthandwellnessresources.
Gotosource
Aneasywaytostayinthemomentistouseall5ofyoursenses.Whenyoucatchyourselfdriftingoff,trynamingonethingyoucantaste,touch,smell,hear,andsee.
Trytomaintainagrounded,humbleperspectiveaboutlife.Inbothgoodtimesandbad,thisperspectivecanhelpyourememberwhoyouareandhelpyourealizethatlifeisgood.[2]
X
ExpertSource
TaylorRochestieProfessionalBasketballPlayer
ExpertInterview.13July2021.
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2
Challengenegativethoughts.
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Yourautomaticthoughtprocessinfluenceshowyouseetheworld.Whenyouhaveafearfulavoidantattachmentstyle,youoftenthinkbadlyaboutyourselfandthosearoundyou.[3]
X
ExpertSource
LeslieBosch,PhDDevelopmentalPsychologist
ExpertInterview.20May2022.
Trytocatchthosethoughtsandchallengethemwithnew,positivethinkingtoslowlyworktowardamoresecureattachmentstyleandpositiveoutlookonlife.[4]
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TrustworthySource
MayoClinic
Educationalwebsitefromoneoftheworld'sleadinghospitals
Gotosource
Ifyouthink,"Noonewilleverloveme,"challengeitwithsomethinglike,"Iamworthyoflove,andIwillfinditoneday."
Ifyouthink,"Everyoneonlywantstotakeadvantageofme,"challengeitwith,"MyfriendsandfamilylovemeforwhoIam,notforwhatIcangivethem."
Neitherpositivitynornegativityexistinavacuum.There'salwayspositivityaroundyou—youjusthavetobewillingtoseekitoutandgivevoicetoit.[5]
X
ExpertSource
TaylorRochestieProfessionalBasketballPlayer
ExpertInterview.13July2021.
3
Expressyourfeelings.
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Identifyingyouremotionshelpsgiveyoupoweroverthem.Whenyouhaveanavoidantattachmentstyle,youprobablyshyawayfromyourfeelingsorblockthemoffentirely.Instead,trytonametheemotionandthenexpressit—itwillhelpyoucommunicatemuchbetter.[6]
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HelpGuide
Nonprofitorganizationdedicatedtoprovidingfree,evidence-basedmentalhealthandwellnessresources.
Gotosource
"I’mfeelingsadrightnowbecauseyousnappedatmetoday."
"Ifeelalittleangrybecauseyoudidn’tkeepyourpromise."
"IfeelreallyanxiousrightnowbecauseI’moverwhelmed."
Youcanstartsharingwhatyoufeelmoreopenlyandauthenticallywithyourpartner.[7]
X
ExpertSource
LeslieBosch,PhDDevelopmentalPsychologist
ExpertInterview.20May2022.
Itwillhelpyouworkoutoftheavoidantstyleandtowardsamoresecureplacewhereyoucansaythatitisokaytoshareyouremotionsandwhatisgoingonwithyou.Itisalrighttorelyonsomeoneelsetosootheyou,helpyoufeelbetter,orhelpyouaddresswhatisgoingonwithyou.[8]
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ExpertSource
LeslieBosch,PhDDevelopmentalPsychologist
ExpertInterview.20May2022.
Advertisement
4
Openupyourbodylanguage.
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Youmaybeclosingyourselfofftoothersnonverballywithoutrealizingit.Whenyouhaveafearfulavoidantattachmentstyle,youmaybesignalingtoothersthatyou’renotinterestedinconnectingwiththem,evenifyoudon’tmeanto.Trytomakeeyecontactwithotherpeople,keepyourheadheldhigh,anduncrossyourarms.Thesesmallchangeswillmakeyoulookmoreapproachable,andtheycanreallyhelpstrengthenyourrelationships.[9]
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HelpGuide
Nonprofitorganizationdedicatedtoprovidingfree,evidence-basedmentalhealthandwellnessresources.
Gotosource
Trytopickoutthesenonverbalcuesinotherpeople,too.Whensomeoneissad,dotheycrosstheirarmsandturnawayfromyou?Whensomeoneishappy,dotheylookrightatyouandsitupstraight?
5
Raiseyourself-esteem.
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Peoplewithfearfulavoidantattachmentstylesoftenhavelowself-esteem.Yourself-esteemcanaffectyourrelationshipwithothers,anditcanmakeyoufeellikeyouaren’tworthyoflove.Byraisingyourself-esteem,youcantakecontrolofyourlifeandfeellikeyouhavepoweroveryourowndecisions.Somegoodwaystoraiseyourself-esteeminclude:[10]
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TrustworthySource
Mind
U.K.-basedmentalhealthcharityfocusedonprovidingadviceandresourcestoanyonefacingmentalhealthproblems.
Gotosource
Celebratingyoursuccesses,bothbigandsmall
Doinghobbiesandactivitiesyouenjoy
Setting(andachieving)smallgoals
Doingsomethingniceforyourselfeveryday
Eatingahealthydietandgettingplentyofexercise
Writingalistofthingsyoulikeaboutyourself
Advertisement
6
Spendtimewithyourlovedones.
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Thepeopleyoulovecanprovethatyoucanrelyonothers.Ifyouhaven’tbeenabletodependonthepeopleinyourlifeverymuch,trytofindfriendswhowillstickwithyounomatterwhat.Hangoutwiththemoftenanddothingstogetherthatmakeyouhappytoimproveyourthoughtsaboutotherpeople.Sinceafearfulavoidantattachmentstylecanmakeyouseetheworstinpeople,it’sgoodtofindlovedonesthatyouseeinapositivelight.[11]
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MayoClinic
Educationalwebsitefromoneoftheworld'sleadinghospitals
Gotosource
Ifyoudon’thaveatonoffriendsrightnow,that’sokay.It’scommonforfearfulavoidantattachmentstylestoshyawayfromcloserelationships.Tryseekingoutlike-mindedpeoplebyjoiningagrouporaclubthatyou’reinterestedin.
7
Acceptothersforwhotheyare.
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Humanbeingsareflawed,andthat’sokay.Whenyouhaveafearfulavoidantattachmentstyle,youcansometimesspendalongtimesearchingfortheperfectperson.However,everyonehastheirowndemonstodealwith,andyou’renevergoingtofindsomeonethatdoesn’thaveproblems.Trytoacceptthatyourlovedonesandpartnerswillhaveflaws,justlikeyou.[12]
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Researchsource
Itcanbehelpfultocomparesomeoneelse’sflawstowhattheydowell.Ifyoucatchyourselfjudgingsomeoneelse,trythinking,"Sure,theymightneverbeontime,butatleasttheyalwaysremembertotextmeback."
Youcanalsolookforthedeepermeaningwithinyourownjudgment.Forinstance,whenyourfriendislate,doesitmakeyoufeeluncaredfor?Ifso,youcanworkthroughthoseemotionsandrecognizethattheirlatenesshasnothingtodowithyou.
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8
Defineyourboundaries.
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Understandyourownboundariessothatyoucanassertthem.Whatareyoucomfortablewithinarelationship?Whatareyounotcomfortablewith?Foralotofpeoplewithafearfulavoidantattachmentstyle,theboundariesarethere,butthey’rehardtoexpress.Whenyoutellotherpeopleaboutyourboundaries,theycanrespectthem,whichleadstoamorepositiverelationship.Sitdownandthinkaboutyouremotions,yourthoughts,andyourvaluessothatyoucanexpressyourselfclearlyandaccurately.[13]
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Researchsource
Forinstance,howmuchalonetimedoyouneed?Whataresometopicsyou’renotwillingtodiscuss?
Whatareyourvalues?Whatdoyoucaremostdeeplyabout?
9
Talktoyourpartner.
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Ifyouhaveapartner,tellthemwhatyou’vebeendoingaboutyourattachmentstyle.Theymightbeabletogiveyousomewordsofadviceorevensomeencouragement.Sharewiththemwhatyouknowaboutyourattachmentstyle,whatyou’vebeendoingtoworkthroughit,andwhattheymightbeabletodotohelpyouout.[14]
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Researchsource
"You’veprobablynoticedthatIseemalittlepreoccupiedlately.I’mreallytryingtoworkonmyattachmentstyleandreachahealthierlevelwithmyself-esteem.ItwouldmeanalotifIcouldsharewithyouwhatI’mdoingandhowI’mworkingonthings."
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10
Getclosetosomeonewithasecureattachment.
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Youcanmodelyourattachmentstyleoffofsomeoneelse’s.Thegoodnewsisthat50%to60%ofthepopulationhasasecureattachmentstyle,soyouprobablyknowsomeonewhofitsthebillalready.Trytowatchthemandseehowtheyhandletheiremotionsandtheirrelationships,thendothesamethinginyourownlife.[15]
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TrustworthySource
HelpGuide
Nonprofitorganizationdedicatedtoprovidingfree,evidence-basedmentalhealthandwellnessresources.
Gotosource
Whentheygetupset,dotheyshutdownandclosethemselvesoff?Ordotheystatetheiremotionsandcommunicatethemclearly?
Whentheygetrejected,dotheytakeitpersonally?Ordotheybrushitoffandtryagain?
11
Makeanappointmentwithamentalhealthprofessional.
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Gettingtherapyisthebestwaytoworkthroughyourattachmentstyle.Sinceafearfulavoidantattachmentstyleissodeeplyrootedintrauma,it’simportanttotalkaboutitwithsomeoneyoutrust.Amentalhealthprofessionalcanhelpyouidentifywhereyourattachmentstylecomesfromandthestepsyoucantaketoworktowardamoresecureone.[16]
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Question
Whattriggersafearfulavoidant?
LeslieBosch,PhD
DevelopmentalPsychologist
Dr.LeslieBoschisaDevelopmentalPsychologist,NationalBoardCertifiedHealthandWellnessCoach,andOwnerofBoschIntegrativeWellness.Withover15yearsofexperience,shespecializesinprovidingstressreliefcoachingservicestoindividualsandgroupsusingavarietyofscientificallyprovenmethodsforchangeincludingmotivationalinterviewing,positivepsychology,self-compassion,non-violentcommunication,sociallearningtheory,andself-determinationtheory.Dr.BoschreceivedtrainingfromtheAndrewWeilCenterforIntegrativeMedicineattheUniversityofArizonaandearnedaPhDinHumanDevelopmentandFamilyStudiesfromTheUniversityofArizona.SheisalsoamemberoftheNationalBoardofHealthandWellnessCoachingAssociation.Dr.Boschhaspublishedmanypapersandbeenfeaturedinthemedianumeroustimes.
LeslieBosch,PhD
DevelopmentalPsychologist
ExpertAnswer
There'ssimplynoclear-cutanswerhere,aseachcaseisunique.Thatsaid,afearfulavoidantattachmentstyleisusuallytriggeredbyalotofchildhoodtraumaanddysfunctionalhomeenvironments.Insomecases,physicalandsexualabusecanhaveacorrelationwiththisattachmentstyleaswell.Onlybylookinginwardandtalkingwithatrustedprofessionalwillyouhaveamoredefinitiveanswer.
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References
↑https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/attachment-and-adult-relationships.htm
↑TaylorRochestie.ProfessionalBasketballPlayer.ExpertInterview.13July2021.
↑LeslieBosch,PhD.DevelopmentalPsychologist.ExpertInterview.20May2022.
↑https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/self-esteem/art-20045374
↑TaylorRochestie.ProfessionalBasketballPlayer.ExpertInterview.13July2021.
↑https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/attachment-and-adult-relationships.htm
↑LeslieBosch,PhD.DevelopmentalPsychologist.ExpertInterview.20May2022.
↑LeslieBosch,PhD.DevelopmentalPsychologist.ExpertInterview.20May2022.
↑https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/attachment-and-adult-relationships.htm
MoreReferences(7)
↑https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/self-esteem/tips-to-improve-your-self-esteem/
↑https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/self-esteem/art-20045374
↑https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/202104/how-change-your-attachment-style-and-your-relationships
↑https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-figure-out-your-boundaries#1
↑https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/202104/how-change-your-attachment-style-and-your-relationships
↑https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/attachment-and-adult-relationships.htm
↑https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9761-avoidant-personality-disorder
AboutThisArticle
Co-authoredby:
LeslieBosch,PhD
DevelopmentalPsychologist
Thisarticlewasco-authoredbyLeslieBosch,PhDandbywikiHowstaffwriter,HannahMadden.Dr.LeslieBoschisaDevelopmentalPsychologist,NationalBoardCertifiedHealthandWellnessCoach,andOwnerofBoschIntegrativeWellness.Withover15yearsofexperience,shespecializesinprovidingstressreliefcoachingservicestoindividualsandgroupsusingavarietyofscientificallyprovenmethodsforchangeincludingmotivationalinterviewing,positivepsychology,self-compassion,non-violentcommunication,sociallearningtheory,andself-determinationtheory.Dr.BoschreceivedtrainingfromtheAndrewWeilCenterforIntegrativeMedicineattheUniversityofArizonaandearnedaPhDinHumanDevelopmentandFamilyStudiesfromTheUniversityofArizona.SheisalsoamemberoftheNationalBoardofHealthandWellnessCoachingAssociation.Dr.Boschhaspublishedmanypapersandbeenfeaturedinthemedianumeroustimes.Thisarticlehasbeenviewed22,775times.
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Updated:September21,2022
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Co-authoredby:
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Updated:September21,2022
Views: 22,775
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