Fearful Avoidant Attachment: How It Develops & How To Cope

A fearful attachment style, also known as disorganized attachment, is characterised by a combination of behaviours that can range from avoidance ... FearfulAvoidantAttachment:HowItDevelops&HowToCopeByOliviaGuy-Evans,publishedJuly04, 2022|FactCheckedbySaulMcleod,PhDAnattachmentstyledescribesthewayinwhichpeoplerelatetoothers,basedonhowsecuretheyfeel.Fearfulavoidantattachmentisthoughttobetherarestattachmenttype. Afearfulattachmentstyle,alsoknownasdisorganizedattachment,ischaracterisedbyacombinationofbehavioursthatcanrangefromavoidancetoclinginess.Childrenwiththisattachmentstyleoftenlongforcloserelationshipsbutalsofeartrustingothersandgettinghurt.Theattachmentstyleyoudevelopinearlychildhoodisthoughttohavealifelonginfluenceonyourabilitytocommunicateyouremotionsandneeds,howyourespondtoconflict,andhowyouformexpectationsaboutyourrelationships.Someonewiththisattachmentstylewilloftenhaveadesireforcloserelationshipsbutatthesametimewillfeartrustingothersandbelievetheywillgethurtiftheygettooclose.Fearfulindividualsholdanegativemodelofselfandalsoanegativemodelofothers,fearingbothintimacyandautonomy.Theydisplayattachmentbehaviourstypicalofavoidantchildrenbecomingsociallywithdrawnanduntrustingofothers.“Likedismissingavoidant,theyoftencopewithdistancingthemselvesfromrelationshippartners,butunlikedismissingindividualstheycontinuetoexperienceanxietyandneedinessconcerningtheirpartner’slove,reliabilityandtrustworthiness”(Schachner,Shaver&Mikulincer,2003,p.248).Whatarethesignsoffearfulavoidantattachmentinchildren?Thebehaviourofafearfulavoidantchildisverydisorganized,hencewhyitisalsoknownasdisorganizedattachment. Ifthechildandcaregiverweretobeseparatedforanyamountoftime,onreunion,thechildwillactconflicted.Theymayinitiallyruntowardstheircaregiver,butthenseemtochangetheirmindandeitherrunawayoractout. Achildwithafearfulavoidantattachmentoftendesirescomfortandclosenesswiththeircaregiverbutonceclose,theyactfearfulanduntrusting.Thechildmayavoideyecontact,screaminanattempttoengagetheircaregiver,orseekattentiontoonlyshutitdownpromptly. Olderchildrenmaygrowtofeelunsafeintheirworld.Theyfindthattheycannotputtheirfulltrustintoanyoneandmaystruggletoopenuptoothers.Theymaynotgivedeepinformationaboutthemselvesandprefertokeepconversationssuperficialastheirownpersonalboundary. Theytendtoshownopreferenceforpeoplewhoarefamiliartothemoverstrangersandmaydiscussinappropriatethingswithpeoplewhoareunfamiliartothem.Theymightnothaveanylong-termfriendshipswiththeirpeersandprefertoswitchtospendingtimewithsomeoneelsewhenfriendshipsgettoastageofbecomingmoremeaningful. Someothercommontraitsthatmayindicateachildmayhaveafearfulavoidantattachmentstyleinclude:Nothavingafeltsenseofsafety–alwaysfeelinglikesomethingiswrongPoorself-regulationofemotions DifficultytrustingothersHypervigilance–alwayslookingoutforsignsofdangerFindingithardtoself-sootheFidgetybehavioursNosenseofpersonalboundariesDifficultyconcentratingFindingithardtokeepfriends DissociatingtocutofftheiremotionsTryingtoregaincontrolbybehavingbossyChildrenwithafearfulavoidantattachmentareatriskofcarryingthesebehavioursintoadulthoodiftheydonotreceivesupporttoovercomethis.Theymaystruggletofeelsecureinanyrelationshipiftheydonotgethelpfortheirattachmentstyle. WhatCausesFearfulAvoidantAttachmentStyle?Whileitmaynotalwaysbeclearwhysomeonemaydevelopafearfulavoidantattachmentstyle,itisoftenbecauseoftheparentingbycaregivers.Someofthewaysinwhichparentingstylescancauseafearfulavoidantattachmentincludethefollowing:AbuseortraumaOftentimes,fearfulavoidantattachmentiscommonforthosewhohaveexperiencedabuseortraumaintheirchildhoodsinvolvingtheircaregiver. Inresponsetoabuse,achildbecomesstuckbetweendeactivationsincethecaregivercannotbeasourceofreassurance,andhyperactivationsincethepresenceofthefrighteningcaregiverconstantlytriggersattachmentneeds.Thechilddesperatelyneedscomfortbuthaslearntthattheircaregivercannotgiveittothem. BrokentrustIntheeyesofachildwhohasafearfulavoidantattachment,theircaregiversareuntrustworthy.Theirparentingcanbeveryinconsistent,beingwarmandlovingonemoment,thenswitchingtocoldandemotionallydistantthenext.Thisparentingcanmakeitdifficultforthechildtopredicthowtheirparentwillreactatanygiventime,resultinginelevatedfeelingsofinsecurity. Theparentmayalsomakealotofpromisestothechildwhichtheydonotfollowthroughon.Forinstance,theymaypromisetodosomethingforthem,bethereforthemintimesofneed,orpromisenottoyellanymore.Whentheparentdoesnotfollowthroughonthesecommitments,thisaddstothechild’sbeliefthattheycannottrustothers. Threateninglanguage Toxiclanguagefromacaregiversuchasmakingthreatscanresultinachildnotfeelingsecureintheirrelationship. Thiscanincludeusingthreatsofpunishmentandthreatsofphysicalviolencetoincitefearinthechild.Whenachildfeelsfearfuloftheircaregivers,theyalsolearntheycannotrelyonhavinghealthyandsupportivecommunicationwiththem.EmotionallyneedycaregiversCaregiverswhousetheirchildrenfortheirownemotionalneedsmaybeinflictingdamageontheirchildwithoutrealising. Theymaybeemotionallyneedybyexpressingtheirwantsandneedstotheirchildandsometimesexpectingtheirchildtocarrythisburdenorfixtheissuesthemselves.Ifthecaregiverisusingthechildtosatisfytheirownneeds,theymaybeneglectingthechild’semotionalandphysicalneeds. Thechildwillalsocometolearnthattheirneedsdonotmatterasmuchasothers’.Thechildmayeventakeonanemotionalcaretakerrolefortheirparentwhichcanmaketheparentevenmorereliantontheirchildtomeettheirneeds. FearfulavoidantcaregiversItislikelythatifachildhasafearfulavoidantattachmentstyle,thattheircaregiversalsohavethisattachmentstyle.Thisdoesnotmeanthatthereisageneticcomponenttoattachmentstyles,ratheritisacontinuationofbehaviouralpatternsthatarebeingrepeatedthroughoutgenerations.Itislikelythatacaregiver’sparentscausedthemtohaveafearfulavoidantattachment,andsoon. Withoutaddressingtheinsecureattachmentofthechild,theythemselvesmaygrowuptohavetheirownchildrenwhoarealsofearfulavoidant. Whatarefearfulavoidantparentslike?Itislikelythattheparentsoffearfulavoidantchildrenarelikelytohavethesameattachmentstyle. Theymaybefrightenedofthechild,meaningthattheydon’tknowhowtomeetthechild’sneedsandwillfleeorfreezeinresponsetoachildseekingsupport.Theymayhaveanexaggeratedstartleresponseandhaveafrightenedtoneofvoice. Afearfulavoidantparentisalsolikelytobeverywithdrawnfromtheirchild.Theymayhaveananxiousnatureandbenon-responsivetothechild.Moreover,theymaynotpayattentiontoaninfantwhentheycry.Afearfulavoidantparentislikelytohavetheirowntraumathattheyarepreoccupiedwith.Theydidnotovercometheirattachmentstyleandsoarelessfocusedontheirchildandaremorelikelytopassontheirinsecuritiestothem.  Aswellasbeingfrightened,afearfulavoidantparentmaysometimesbefrighteningtothechild.Theymaybeemotionallyreactive,overreacttothechild,beintrusive,andmayevenbethreateningorabusiveinseverecases. Whatarethetraitsoffearfulavoidantattachmentinadults?JohnBowlbyarguedthatone’ssenseofsecurityasachildiscriticaltotheirattachmentstyleasanadult.Fearfulavoidantattachmentcancontinueintoadulthoodifnotaddressed,andinfluencehowapersonbehavesintheircloserelationships.Belowaresomeofthetraitsthatarecharacteristicofadultswithafearfulavoidantattachmentstyle:AneedforcontrolandsecurityDifficultytrustingothersAlimitedsenseofsafety–alwaysfeelinglikesomethingwillgowrongWantingacloserelationshipbutafraidofgettingtoocloseDifficultyregulatingtheiremotionsTheyusuallyhaveanegativeviewofthemselvesAnegativeviewofothersBeliefthattheywillbedisappointedandletdownbyothersMaybeveryfocusedontheircareerratherthanonpeopleintheirlivesAneedtoprotectthemselvesagainstrejectionMaybepassiveorcoldduringinteractionsasawaytoshieldthemselves People-pleasingtendencies Hypervigilant–alwayslookingforsignsofdangerMayfindithardtomaintainfriendshipsElevatedlevelsofanxietyDifficultyconcentratingFindithardtoself-sootheWhatarethesignsoffearfulavoidantattachmentinadults?Fearfulavoidantattachmentcancontinueintoadulthoodifnotaddressed.Alotofthesametraitsfromchildhoodcancarryoverintoadulthoodsuchashavinghighanxietyanddifficultytrustingothers. Whatiskeywithfearfulavoidantattachmentisthatindividualswantcontrolandsecurityandwillputthingsinplacetoensuretheydonotlosethat. EmotionaldysregulationPeoplewithfearfulavoidantattachmentmayhavealotofdifficultyregulatingtheiremotionsintheiradultrelationships. Theymayfindtheyhavemorehighlyemotionalrelationshipsandrespondpoorlyorinappropriatelytonegativeemotions. ConflictingfeelingsaboutrelationshipsAfearfulavoidantpersonmaynotbesurehowtofeelabouttheirrelationshipswithfriendsandromanticpartners. Theyoftencravearelationshipbutarefearfulofgettinghurt.Onceitbecomestoointimateoremotional,theyarelikelytowithdraworendtherelationship.Ingeneral,theytendtohavefeelingsofgeneraldissatisfactionintheirrelationships. Negativeself-viewPartoffearfulavoidantattachmentisthattheindividualhasanegativeviewofthemselves. Theymaynotbeverysureofthemselveswhichmakesthemlessassertiveandwithdrawfromsocialcontact. AvoidgettingclosetoothersPeoplewithfearfulavoidantattachmentwanttominimisetheeventualdisappointmentthatcomesfromhavingrelationshipswithothers. Byavoidingcloseinvolvementwithothers,thisattachmentstyleenablesthepersontoprotectthemselvesagainstanticipatedrejection.Someonewiththisattachmentstylemayprioritizeotherthingssuchastheircareer,ratherthanfocusingonpeople,whotheybelievewilldisappointthemeventually. Unhelpfulsocialbehaviours Someonewiththisattachmentstylemaybepassiveorcoldduringinteractionsasawaytoshieldthemselvesfromhurtandrejection. Otherwise,itiscommonforpeoplewiththisattachmentstyletoholdgrudgesastheydonotliketodealwithconfrontationsordifficultconversations. Theycanalsobepeoplepleasers,meaningthattheygoalongwithwhateverotherpeoplewant,oragreeingtothingstheymaynotagreewith,tomakelifeeasier. Howtocopewithafearfulavoidantattachmentstyle?UnderstandyourattachmentstyleItcanbeusefultoeducateyourselfonattachmenttheoryandidentifywhatattachmentstyleyoufeelyoumayhave. Considerhowyoubehaveinyourrelationshipswithothersaswellasconsideringhowyourrelationshipwithyourcaregiverwasasachild.Gaininganunderstandingofyourattachmentstylecanhelpyoulearnhowtobeginovercominganinsecureattachment. Self-awarenessTrytobecomeawareofwhenyourfearfulavoidantstyleisbeingtriggered.Ifyouarepickinguponasmallchangeinyourpartnerandyourautomaticthoughtisthattheyarebeingdisloyalorarerejectingyou,noticethis. Considerwhyyoufeelthiswayandwhatcanbeahealthierthoughttohaveinstead.Forinstance,ifyounoticeyourpartnerhasachangeinbodylanguage,insteadofthinkingthattheyarehidingsomething,considerthattheycouldjustbetiredorhavingabadday. Beingawareofyourautomaticthoughtsandtryingtochallengethemwhentheycometothesurfacecanhelpyoutorespondtosituationsinahealthyway.WorkoncommunicationskillsPracticecommunicatinginamannerwhichclearlyexpressesyourneedsinahealthy,non-confrontationalway. Expressfromyourfeelingsratherthanfromaplaceofblamingorcriticism.Youcandothisbyusing‘I’statementssuchassaying,‘IfeltfrustratedwhenyouX’.Inthisway,yourpartnerislesslikelytofeelattackedandthereshouldbefewermisunderstandingsaboutwhatyoufeel. Trytogetusedtoexpressingyourneedsinaclearanddirectwaywhilstbeingkind.Forinstance,youcouldsay‘IamneedingtofeelsupportedwhenIX’or‘IamneedingsometimealonetodoX’.Communicatingwhatyouneedratherthanindirectlypushingyourpartnerawaycanmakeyourpartnercleareronwhatyouexpectfromthem.Sethealthyboundaries Manypeoplewithafearfulavoidantattachmentstylemayhavehadtheirboundariesbrokenasachildandhaveadistortedviewofwhathealthyboundariesare. Spendsometimeconsideringwhatyouarecomfortablewithandwhatyourlimitsare.Youmayneedsomehelpfromatrustedfriendoratherapistifthisissomethingyoustrugglewith.Then,communicateyourboundarieswithyourpartnerandsticktothem. Considertherapy Ifyoufindthatyouneedextrasupportwithmanagingyourattachmentstyleorwanttolearntobemoresecure,youcanconsidertryingtherapy. Throughtherapeuticmethods,youcanlearntorecogniseyourattachmentpatterns,examineyourfeelingsaboutyourself,andlearntoapproachrelationshipswithothersinahealthyway.Cognitivebehaviouraltherapy(CBT)isatherapywhichaimstohelpidentifyandchallengeunhelpfulthoughts,emotions,andbehaviours.Thiscanbeusefulforsomeonewhohasinsecurefeelingsandunhealthybehavioursthatstemfromafearfulavoidantattachment. Anothertypeoftherapyisinterpersonaltherapywhichhelpsindividualslearnhowtoimprovetheirinterpersonalrelationshipsandsocialinteractions.Thiscanthereforebesuitedtosomeonewishingtochangetheirattachmentstyleandbecomemoresecureintheirrelationships.Additionally,psychodynamicpsychotherapycanhelppeoplewithafearfulavoidantattachmentinvestigatehowtheirattachmentstyleasachildisimpactingtheiradultrelationships. Whatisitliketobeinarelationshipwithsomeonewhoisfearfulavoidant?Fearfulindividualsholdanegativemodelofselfandalsoanegativemodelofothers,fearingbothintimacyandautonomy. Theydisplayattachmentbehaviourstypicalofavoidantchildrenbecomingsociallywithdrawnanduntrustingofothers.Theystrugglewithcommitment Someonewithafearfulavoidantattachmentstylemayfinditverydifficulttocommittosomeone.Theytendtobothseekoutconnectionandclosenesswhilesimultaneouslytryingtoavoidgettingintoaseriousrelationship. Theiravoidanttraitstendtoarisewhentherelationshipbecomesmoreserious.Thistendstotriggerthemandbringsuppastwounds.Often,whentherelationshipiscommittediswhenachangebecomesnoticeableinafearfulavoidantpartner. Theymaybeunabletofullytrustthattheirpartnerwillalwaysbethereforthem,whetherbecauseofacorelackofself-worth,alackoftrustinothers,oracombinationofthetwo. TheyarefearfulofintimacyDuetotheirdeep-rooteddistrustofothers,someonewhohasafearfulavoidantattachmentmayfinditdifficulttocommittosomeone. Theytendtohaveadesireforconnectionwhilesimultaneouslypushingsomeoneawaywhenthingsbecomemoreserious.Becomingtooclosewithafearfulavoidantcantriggertheirpastwoundsandthisiswhensignificantchangesintheirbehaviourcanbenoticed.TheypreferbeingcasualSincetheyareafraidoftrustingandgettingclosetosomeone,apersonwithafearfulavoidantattachmentishappierremainingcasualwithromanticpartners. Theymayfindthemselvesstayinginthedatingstageoftherelationshipforaprolongedperiodasthisfeelsmorecomfortableforthem.Theycanstayincasualrelationshipsorrelationshipswithoutlabels,notbecausetheywantto,butbecausetheyareafraidofgettingcloser. Often,someonewiththisattachmentstylepreferstohavecasualsexwithpeopletofulfiltheirneedforattention,withouthavingtocommit.FavezandTissot(2019)foundthatfearfulavoidanceispredictiveofmoresexualpartnersaswellasgreatersexualcomplianceforbothmenandwomen. TheykeepemotionallydistantSomeonewithafearfulavoidantattachmentmayprefertokeeptheirpartneratadistancesoastonothavethingsgettooemotionallyintense.Theymaybereluctanttosharetoomuchofthemselvesortalkaboutdeeptopicsasawaytoprotectthemselves.Ifthingsgettoodeep,oriftheyareaskedtosharepersonalthings,theymayshutdownrapidly. TheyhaveadistortedviewofwhatarelationshipshouldbeSinceitiscommonforthosewithafearfulavoidantattachmenttohavegrownupinahouseholdthatisveryturbulentandchaotic,theymaybelievethatthisisalsowhatromanticrelationshipsshouldbelike.Iftheyareinarelationshipwithsomeonewhoissecureandcalm,theymaybesuspicious.Theymaybelievethatsomethingiswrongandchallengetheirpartnerorcreateaproblemtomaketherelationshipmoreunsettledandfamiliar. TheyaregenerallymoreunhappyInastudyexaminingtheimpactofattachmentstylesonromanticrelationships,avoidantstyleswereassociatedwithlessfrequentpositiveemotionsandmorefrequentnegativeemotionsintherelationships(Simpson,1990). Theyself-sabotage Someonewithafearfulavoidantattachmentmayself-sabotageagoodromanticrelationshipbecausetheyareafraidandfeelunsafe. Theytendtohyperfocusonthingsthatcangowrongintherelationshipevenifthereisnothingtoworryabout.Theymayblameoraccusetheirpartnerofthings,threatentoleavetherelationship,ortesttheirpartnertoseeiftheygetjealous.Allthesestrategiesmaycausetheirpartnertoconsiderendingtherelationship. TheycanbeeasilytriggeredSomeonewhoisafearfulavoidantmaybehyperawareofsmallchangesintheirpartnerwhichcanbeabigtriggerforthem.Someofthesetriggerscanincludeachangeinvoice,microexpressions,ashiftinbodylanguage,andlying.Afearfulavoidantpartnermaygatherinformationaboutalltheseminorchangesandwillperceivethattheirpartneriseitherwithholdinginformation,notbeingloyal,orisdoingsomethingtobreaktrust.Oncetheyhavethisideaintheirmindtheycanblowuporpushtheirpartnerawayinawaythattheythinkisprotectingthemselves,eveniftheirpartnerhasnotdoneanythingwrong.SignsthatafearfulavoidantlovesyouAfearfulavoidantmayshowthattheyloveyouby:MakinganefforttoconnectwithyouExpressingthattheywanttobeintimateTheybecomemorecomfortableshowingtheirvulnerablesideTheywillexpressthattheywanttofeelmoresecure,ortheymakeaconsciousefforttobemoresecure.TheytalkaboutthefuturewithyouTheydiscusswhattheyareinsecureaboutandrecognizethattheyneedtoworkonthis Howtosupportyourfearfulavoidantpartner?Ifyouhaveapartnerwhohasafearfulavoidantattachmentstyle,therearesomethingsyoucandotosupportthem:LearnabouttheirattachmentstyleLearningaboutattachmenttheoryandgettingtoknowyourpartner’sattachmentstylethroughresearchcanbeagoodstartingpointforunderstandingthembetter.Understandingyourpartner’sneeds,strugglesandtriggerscanhelpyoutomakesureyouarecommunicatingtotheminawaythatissupportive.ReassurethemIfyourpartnerhasafearfulavoidantattachment,theyareprobablyfearfulofgettingtooclosetoyousincetheybelievetheywillbeabandonedeventually.Reassuringyourpartnerbybeingexplicitlyclearthatyoulovethemandhavechosentostaywiththemforareasonmayhelpthemtofeelmoresecure. Whileitcanbetemptingtogetannoyedorarguewhentheyexpresstheirdistrustofyou,trytoapproachthesituationwithcomfortandsupportinstead.Buildtheirconfidenceintherelationshipbydoingthingsforthemthatprovesyourtrustandthatyoucanbeasecurefigureforthemintheirlife. FosterhealthycommunicationUnhealthycommunicationsuchascriticizing,blaming,orcomplainingcanreinforcetoyourpartnerthatyouaregoingtohurtthemeventually.Communicatingthroughblamingoftenleadstotheotherpersonbeingdefensiveandchoosingnottolistentowhatyourneedsare. Instead,communicateyourneedstoyourpartnerconciselysothatthereislittleconfusion.Yourpartnershouldknowthatyoudeservetoberespectedandthatyouhaveyourownboundaries.Explaintothemthatyouwillsupportthemasbestasyoucanbutalsothattherearethingsthatyouwillnottolerate.Itisimportanttolookoutforyourownmentalhealthsoifyourpartnerisactinginatoxicway,thisshouldbecalledoutinacalmanddirectway.Trytoworkonawaytobecomemoreopeninyourcommunicationifthisissomethingyoustrugglewith.Ifyouaresomeonethatdoesnotsharemuch,thiscanleadafearfulavoidantpartnertomakenegativeassumptionsaboutwhatyouarekeepingtoyourself.Practisingopeningupabitmorecanhelpclearupsomeuncertaintiesyourpartnerhas. ListenListeningcanbeextremelyimportanttoapartnerwhohasafearfulavoidantattachmentstylesincetheymayhavegrownupinahouseholdwheretheirvoicewasnotlistenedto.Beopentohearingaboutyourpartner’sfeelingsandissues,howevertheyarebeingexpressed.Don’ttrytofixtheproblemstheycometoyouwithunlesstheyspecificallyaskyouforadvice.Instead,listentounderstandandbeapersontheycancometowhentheyneedtounload. BereliableFearfulavoidantpartnershaveadeepfearandexpectationthattheyaregoingtobedisappointedbyothers. Youcanhelptobreakthisunhelpfultrainofthoughtforyourpartnerbybecomingareliablefigureintheirlife.Ifyoumakepromisesandcommitments,makesureyousticktothem.Ifthesearebroken,thisfeedsintothefearfulavoidant’sinsecuritiesandcancausethemtopullawayfromyou. Themorereliantyouare,themoreyourpartnerwilltrustandseeyouasasourceofsecurityandsafety. WorktowardsgrowthtogetherItmaybethecasethatyoubothneedtocompromisefortherelationshiptowork.Youmayneedtoworktogethertotackletheissuesyouhavetomaketherelationshipmoresecure.Thismayespeciallybethecaseifyouyourselfidentifywithoneoftheinsecureattachmentstyles. Ifyouneedextrasupport,youcanconsidergoingtoindividualorcouple’stherapywhereaskilledtherapistcanhelpyoubothgrowtogetherasacouple.Howdoyourespondtoafearfulavoidantpullingaway?Ifyouseeyourfearfulavoidantpartnerpullingawayfromyou,therearesomewaysinwhichyoucanrespond:Don’tchasethemifyoupursuesomeonewhoisclearlyindicatingthattheyneedspace,theywilllikelypullawayevenmoreoreventurnhostile. Instead,reassureyourpartnerthatyouwillbethereforthemwhentheyarereadytocommunicatetoyou. Don’ttakeitpersonallyWhileitistemptingtogetupsetandfrustratedwhensomeoneispullingaway,trynottotakethispersonally.Often,thepersonpullingawayisseekingdistanceasaformofself-protectionanditisnotalwaysaboutyou. Itisimportanttorememberthatiftheyarebeingcriticalofyou,theyareoftenmorecriticalofthemselvesandwillneedsupportaroundtacklingthis.BemindfulofhowyouexpressstrongemotionsNoonelikestobeyelledatandemotionalexpressionsdeliveredintenselyoftenoverwhelmavoidants.Thisislikelytomakethempullawayfromyouevenmoresinceitistriggeringtheirattachmentstyle. Trytoremaincalmandexpressyourneedsandemotionsinawaythatishonestandopenbutinahealthy,gentlemanner. AllowthemtheirindependentlifestyleItisnecessarytorealizethatnopartnercanfulfilallourneeds.Yourpartnermayfeelthatyouarebeingtooclingyifyouwanttodoeverythingwiththemandthiscouldcausethemtopullawayevenmore. Itisimportanttohaveyourowninterestsandspendtimeapartwhilemakingsuretocomebacktoeachotherafterwards.Beingself-sufficientshowsyourpartnerthatyouarenotoverlydependentonthem,whichissomethingtheycanfear. FAQsHowdoyoucommunicatewithafearfulavoidantperson?Whileitmaybetemptingtoarguewithsomeonewhohasafearfulavoidantattachmentwhentheyaretryingtoself-sabotagetheirrelationship,thisisnotaproductivewaytocommunicate.Whenyounoticethemblamingoraccusingyouwhenthereisnothingtobeconcernedabout,thisusuallymeanstheirattachmentstyleisbeingtriggeredandtheyarefearfulofthingsgettingmoreintimate. Approachconversationswiththemwithopennessandunderstanding.Gentlyreassurethemandencouragethemtocommunicateinaclearway.Askthemwhatneedsarenotbeingmetandhowyoucanhelpthemachievethis. Howcommonisfearfulavoidantattachmentstyle?Thefearfulavoidantattachmentstyleisrarerthantheotherattachmentstyles,typicallyoccurringinabout7%ofthepopulation.Itoftendevelopsinthefirst18monthsoflifeandismostprevalentinthosewhowereabusedorexperiencedtraumaasachild.Moreoftenthannot,thisattachmentstyledevelopsinthemostat-riskgroups. Canafearfulavoidantpersonfallinlove? Whileafearfulavoidantpersonmaybemorepronetobreakingromanticconnectionsbecauseoftheirownfearsandinsecurities,theyareabletofallinloveanddevelopamoresecureattachment.Thisisoftenmorepossiblewhentheyareinarelationshipwithsomeonewhoissecurelyattachedandisunderstandingofthestrugglethefearfulavoidantpersonhas. FactCheckingContentisrigorouslyreviewedbyateamofqualifiedandexperiencedfactcheckers.Factcheckersreviewarticlesforfactualaccuracy,relevance,andtimeliness.Werelyonthemostcurrentandreputablesources,whicharecitedinthetextandlistedatthebottomofeacharticle.Contentisfactcheckedafterithasbeeneditedandbeforepublication.AbouttheAuthorOliviaGuy-EvansobtainedherundergraduatedegreeinEducationalPsychologyatEdgeHillUniversityin2015.Shethenreceivedhermaster’sdegreeinPsychologyofEducationfromtheUniversityofBristolin2019.OliviahasbeenworkingasasupportworkerforadultswithlearningdisabilitiesinBristolforthelastfouryears.CitethisArticle(APAStyle)Guy-Evans,O.(2022,July04.FearfulAvoidantAttachment:HowItDevelops&HowToCope.SimplyPsychology.www.simplypsychology.org/fearful-avoidant-attachment.htmlFurtherInformationAttachmentStyles&TheirRoleinRelationships 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