Dismissive Avoidant Attachment in Adults - Psychologist

A tendency to not prioritize romantic relationships. To a person with a dismissive avoidant attachment style, putting a romantic relationship first is likely to ... DismissiveAvoidantAttachmentinAdults Ifyou’vereadthepreviouspostsinthisseriesonsecureattachmentandanxiousattachment,thenyou’llquicklyseehowdismissiveavoidantattachmentis,inmanyways,thepolaroppositeofananxiousattachmentstyle. Butdon’tletthedismissiveavoidantattachmentstylefoolyou. Eventhoughthosewithdismissiveavoidantattachmentcanlookfiercelyindependent(eventothepointofnarcissism),theirproblemsfrequentlystemfromlowself-esteemjustlikesomeonewithananxiousattachment.Throughoutthispost,I’llrefertodismissive-avoidantattachersas“dismissiveattachers”toseparatethemfromfearful-avoidantattachers,whowe’lldiscussinanotherpost. Whatdoesdismissiveattachmentbehaviorlooklike? Highlyself-sufficient.Thisisthe#1characteristicofsomeonewithadismissiveavoidantattachmentstyle.Theydon’twanttodependonyouandtheydon’twantyoutodependonthem.Theywanttheirfreedomandindependenceandwant(oratleastthinkthattheywant)youtobethesameway. Atendencytoavoiddisplaysoffeelings.ThiscanrangefromavoidanceofPDAtoavoidanceofverbalexpressionsofaffection. Cansometimesactnarcissistically.Dismissiveattachersoftentendtohaveahighopinionofthemselvesandoverlycriticalviewsofothers.Thisisoftenafront,though,forafragileegothathasahardtimedealingwithslightsorcriticisms. Atendencytonotprioritizeromanticrelationships.Toapersonwithadismissiveavoidantattachmentstyle,puttingaromanticrelationshipfirstislikelytomakeittoointenseandmoreimportantintheirlivesthantheywantittobe,sotheyprioritizeitlowerthansomethingelse,likeworkorfavoritehobbies. Deliberatelyaggravatingapartnersothepartnerwon’twanttogettooclose.Forinstance,adismissiveattachermightbepronetoflirtingwithsomeoneelse,ignoringtheirpartner’stextsorcalls,ormakingdecisionswithouttheirpartnerinordertopushthepartneraway. Atendencytobeoverlyconcernedaboutbeingcontrolled.Justlikeananxiousattacherisalwaysonthelookoutforwaysthattheirpartnermightbelosinginterestinthem,andoftenmakesupsuchsignswheretheydon’texist,adismissiveattacherisalwaysonthelookoutforsignsthattheirpartneristryingtocontrolthemorlimittheirfreedom.Healthy,ordinaryrelationshipbehaviorwilloftencomeacrosstothemthisway. Howdoesdismissiveattachmentoriginate? AttachmentexpertsDr.LisaFirestoneandDr.DanielSiegelexplainthatdismissiveattachersareusuallypeoplewhosecaregiversencouragedastrongsenseofindependenceataprematurelyearlyage.Forinstance,achildwhowasregularlytoldnottocryifhehurthimselfstartingatage5mightbealikelycandidatefordismissiveattachments.Caregiversthatrewardtherepressionoffeelings,especiallyanykindofpain,veryoftencreatedismissiveattachers.Thesecaregiversthemselvesareusuallyuncomfortablewithexpressingfeelingsandthinkofthatasastrengthtobecultivatedintheirchildren. WhatcanIdoaboutmydismissiveattachment? Dismissiveattachmentcanbeparticularlydifficulttochangebecauseifyouhavethisstylethenyou’veprobablyledyourselftobelievethatit’soneofyourstrengths,whichwillmakeyoumoreresistanttochange.Therefore,thefirstandmostimportantstepforanydismissiveattacheris… Realizethatyourstyleofrelatingtoapartneractuallyisunhealthy,andislikelycausingyourpartneralotofpain.It’snotwrongtowantindependenceandselfhood.Itisunhealthytoseekabsolutelynodependenceatallandtowantsomeonetohaveabsolutelynodependenceonyouatall.Inahealthyrelationship,bothpartnerstrusteachotherandgiveeachotherroomtoexploretheirowninterestsandneeds,butfeelsurethatthey’rethereforoneanotherwhenneeded. Realizethatyoursenseofwhatcountsas“clingy”or“needy”mightnotbeaccurate.Ifyou’readismissiveattacher,thenjustbecauseyouthinkyourpartnerisbeingclingyorneedydoesn’tmeanthat’sanobjectivefact.You’veprogrammedyourselftoseethesetraitsineverything.Seekanoutsideopinion–fromatherapist,ifthere’snooneelseyoufeelyoucouldtrustmakingajudgmentcall–togetaperspectiveotherthanyourownonyourpartner’sbehavior. Trytoformrelationshipswithsecureattachers,notanxiousattachers.Attachmentstyleexpertsagreethatoneofthebestwaysforinsecureattacherstochangetheirstyleistoexperiencearelationshipwithasecureattacher.It’snotaguaranteedsuccessanditdoesn’tmeanyouwon’thavetoworkattherelationship,butitwillbeeasierforyoutochangeifyou’reinteractingwithsomeonewho’sonasecurehomebase. WhatcanIdoifmypartnerhasadismissiveattachmentstyle? Firstofall,askyourselfifyou’reananxiousattacher.Anxiousattachersanddismissiveattachersareoftendrawntoeachother.Anxiousattachersgettheirsuspicionsthatthey’renotworthloveconfirmedbydismissiveattachers,anddismissiveattachersgettheirsuspicionsthatallpartnersareannoyinglyclingyconfirmedbyanxiousattachers.Soeventhoughtheymightthinkthey’renotlookingforeachother,theycansubconsciouslyseekeachothertoconfirmtheirviewsofhowrelationshipswork.Ifyouareananxiousattacher,thenyouhavejustasmuchworktodoonyourselfthanyouhavetodowithyourpartner.Butnevertheless,therearesomestrategiestokeepinmindifyou’redealingwithadismissiveattacher: Trytoavoidcertainkindsofultimatums.Ifyoujustsay,“Completelychangeyourselforit’sover,”youprobablywon’tgetwhatyouwantfromyourpartner.Heorshealmostdefinitelywillnotbeabletojustflipaswitchforyou;theirbehaviorandthinkingpatternsarefartooingrainedforthat.Instead,youcouldtrysayingsomethinglike,“Unlessyouseekoutprofessionalhelpforthewayyouthinkaboutrelationships,Ican’tcontinuetobewithyoubecauseit’stoopainfulforme.” Trytodiscussobjectivefactsratherthanpersonalopinions.Dismissiveattachers,asdiscussedabove,areoftenverysensitivetocriticismsandwillflareupintoanargumentifyousaysomethinglike,“Youdon’tcareaboutmeandmyneedsatall!”Instead,trymentioninganobjectivefact,suchas,“We’vebeendatingforayearandyouwon’tagreetomeetmyfamily.” Trytoconsiderallrelevantfactorswhendecidingwhetherornottoleavetherelationship.There’snoonerightanswertowhetheryoushouldleaveadismissiveattacherornot.Youhavetoconsideralotofthings:Howmuchtimeandefforthaveyoualreadyputintotherelationship?Doyouhaveanyobligationstogetherasacouple,likechildrenorfinances?Doesyourdismissivepartnerseemopentoworkingontheirbehavioratall? DarleneLancer,inanarticleforPyschCentral,says,“Wecanbemoreindependentwhenwe’redependentonsomeoneelse—providedit’sasecureattachment.”Thisistheprinciplethatdismissiveattachershavesuchahardtimerealizing,butit’snotimpossible!Justlikeanyoftheinsecureattachmentstyles,thereisalwayshopeforchangeaslongasyou’rewillingtotry. Ifyouthinkyouoryourpartnerhasaninsecureattachmentstyleandyou’dliketotalkmoreaboutchangingthat, youcancallusat(305)501-0133orclickheretoscheduleafree20-minuteClarityConsult. EnvisionWellness isaprivatepracticethatofferspsychotherapy,psychologicaltesting,andlifecoachinginMiami,FL. Ourteamhasapassionforhelpingothersachievehappy,fulfilling,andchange-makinglivesthatmaketheworldabetterplace. Eachtherapisthastheirareasofexpertise. Notsurewhoyou’dliketoworkwith? Clickheretoscheduleafree20-minutephoneconsulttohelpyoudecide. FollowusonFacebook,Instagram,Twitter,andPinterest. LIKEDTHISPOST?Jointhecommunityandgetthelatesttips,hacks,andpracticaladvicedeliveredstraighttoyourinbox. Yes,Iwantin! Loading... Youcanunsubscribeanytime.Formoredetails,reviewourPrivacyPolicy. Yes,Iwantin! Loading... Thankyou! Youhavesuccessfullyjoinedoursubscriberlist. WhoWeAreEnvisionWellnessisateamofspecialistpsychologiststhatprovidein-personmentalhealththerapyandpsychologicalevaluationstoclientsinMiami,FLandonlinetherapythroughoutFlorida. Psychologist,therapist,andcounselorprovidingtherapy,counseling,andcoachingfordepression,anxiety,stress,OCD,socialanxiety, selfesteem,codependency,dating,heartbreak/breakups,perfectionism,peoplepleasing,andtrauma. 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