Type: Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment Style | Jeb Kinnison

The dismissive-avoidant is afraid of and incapable of tolerating true intimacy. Since he was brought up not to depend on anyone or reveal feelings that might ... WhatisDismissive-AvoidantAttachmentStyle? DismissiveAvoidantshaveapparentlyhighself-esteemandlowassessmentsofothersinarelationship.Unreliablecaretakersinchildhoodhaveleftthemwithadeepsubconsciousfearofintimacy,andcloseattachmentsareseenasunneeded.Themoreadismissive’spartnerasksforintimacyandattention,themorerejectingthedismissivebecomes.Dismissivesaremorelikelytoendrelationshipsandmakepoorrelationshippartners,andtheyfinditdifficulttomaintainsupportiverelationshipswithchildrenandclosefriends. Muchofwhatfollowsalsoappliestothefearful-avoidant,whocanbethoughtofastheavoidantwhohaven’tgivenup.Sowhenwetalkabout“theavoidant”,itisaboutcharacteristicssharedbyboththedismissive-avoidantandthefearful-avoidant. Dismissive-avoidantindividualshavecompletedamentaltransformationthatsays:“Iamgood,Idon’tneedothers,andtheyaren’treallyimportanttome.IamfineasIam,”whilethefearful-avoidantarestillconsciouslycravinganintimacywhichscaresthemwhenitactuallyhappens.Bothtypesweretrainednottorelyoncaregivers,buttheDismissivehasdealtwiththisbydecidinghedoesn’tneedothersmuchatall,andsohaslittleapparentreasontoparticipateintheemotionalsignalingofacloserelationship. Dismissivesarerarelysoopenaboutdeclaringthemselves.Theythinkhighlyofthemselvesandwilltellyoutheyvaluetheirself-sufficiencyandindependence—needingothersisweak,feelingsofattachmentarestringsthatholdyoudown,empathyandsympathyareforlessercreatures. ADismissiveoftenhasastoryofapreviousrelationshipwhichwasneverfullyrealizedorendedwhenhispartnerleft—earlyinhisromanticlife,orperhapslong-distance.ThememoryofthisidealizedpreviouspartnerisusedasaweaponwhentheDismissivetires—astheyquicklydo—ofarealrelationshipanditsdemands;noonecouldmeasureuptotheonethatgotaway.Thisisanotherdistancingtricktokeeprealintimacyatbay. Dismissiveshavepooraccesstoearlyemotionalmemories,havingbuiltadefensiveshieldofself-esteemandself-sufficiencythatrequiresnegativememoriestobesuppressed: Adultscharacterizedas“dismissingofattachment”seemedunableorunwillingtotakeattachmentissuesseriously.Theyansweredquestionsinaguardedway,withoutmuchelaboration,andoftenhadtroublerememberingtheirchildhoods.Theyseemedtodislikeanddistrustlookinginward.Someexhibitedanunderlyinganimositythatseemedtoimply:“Whyareyouaskingmetodredgeupthisstuff?”or“Thewholepointofthisinterviewisstupid!”Thedismissingadultsspokevaguelyabouttheirparents,frequentlydescribingtheminidealizedterms.Butwhenpressedforincidentsthatmightillustratesuchdescriptions,theirmemoriescontradictedtheirassessments,asnegativefactsleakedintotheirnarratives.Thus,oneparentcalledhismother“nice”buteventuallyrevealedthatshewasoftendrunkandsworeathim.Whenaskedifthatbotheredhim,hereplied,“Notatall.That’swhatmademethestrongpersonIamtoday.I’mnotlikethosepeopleatworkwhohavetohold[eachother’s]handsbeforemakingadecision.” Thisstalwart,anti-snivelingresponsewastypicalofthewaydismissingsubjectsplayeddowntheaffectofearlyhurtsorembracedthemashavingbuilttheircharacter.Anotherdismissingfatherdescribedhismotheras“loving,”“caring,”“theworld’smostaffectionateperson,”“invariablyavailabletoherchildren,”“aninstitution.”Butpressedfordetails,hecouldnotrecallasingleinstanceofhismother’swarmthornurturance. –Karen,p.365 Fellowstudentsrecognizedthehostilityandmistrustofthedismissive: Thedismissingfreshmen—whohadtroublerememberingearlyexperienceswiththeirparentsandplayeddowntheimportanceofattachmentsissuesintheirinterviews—“wereseenbytheirpeersasmorehostile,morecondescending,moredistant.” –Karen,p.383  Theburiedneedforemotionalattachmentisnotconsciouslyfeltbydismissives,buttheirneedforotherscanshowitselfunconsciously:  Ifaspouseisawayforaperiodoftime,itisnaturaltomisshim.Ifamoveismadetoanewplace,itisnaturaltofeelalossoverfriendsandfamilywhohavebeenleftbehindandtoworkassiduouslytocreatenewtiestoreplacetheold.Butwithseparations,too,anxiousattachmentcandeformtheprocess.Clinicalworksuggeststhatpeoplewithwhatappearstobeanavoidantordismissivepsychologyoftenfailtorecognizethatseparationshaveanemotionalimpactinthem.[…]Whenaspouseisaway,apersonwiththispsychologymaybecomeobsessivelyfocusedonwork,mayevencelebratetheseparationasanopportunitytogetmoreworkdone,butthenbestrangely,perhapsevencruellydistantfromthespousewhenheorshereturns. –Karen,p.384 Dismissiveswilllearntogettheirneedsforattention,sex,andcommunitymetthroughlessdemandingpartnerswhofailtorequirerealreciprocationorintimacy(oftentheanxious-preoccupied!): Anavoidantlyattachedboy[…]willprobablylearntodisguisehiscareseeking,Hemaybecomeadeptatusingvariousformsofcontroltogetanotherpersontobethereforhim;hemayseekoutpeoplewhoseneedsaremoreapparentandwhogivewithouthavingtobeasked. –Karen,p.399 Avoidants“weremostlikelytobeworkaholicsandmostinclinedtoallowworktointerferewithsociallife.Somesaidtheyworkedtoohardtohavetimeforsocializing,othersthattheypreferredtoworkalone.Notsurprisingly,theirincomeswereashighasthesecures,buttheirsatisfactionwasaslowas[thepreoccupied.]”Becauseoftheirabilitytofocusonworkandactindependently,dismissivescanbephenomenalexplorersandindividualcontributors.Infieldswhereperformanceisnotbasedongroupefforts,andalackofconcernforothers’feelingscanactuallybebeneficial,thedismissivecanbeastarplayer—forexample,insometypesoflitigation,orsomescientificfields. Indating,avoidantscanbecharmingandhavelearnedallthesocialgraces—theyoftenknowhowtheyareexpectedtoactincourtshipandcanplaytherolewellforatime.Butlackingapositiveviewofattachedothers,theyexpectrelationshipstofulfillaromanticidealwhichnorealhumanbeingcancreateforthem,soallfallshortandarediscardedwhenitbecomesinconvenienttocontinue.Typicallyastherelationshipages,avoidantswillbegintofindfaultandfocusonpettyshortcomingsoftheirpartner.Becausetheyarenotreallyawareoftheirfeelings,theycan’ttalkabouttheminameaningfulway,andoftenthefirstcluetheabout-to-be-dumpedhavethatsomethingiswrongistheavoidant’smovetobreakupwiththem.Onceyouhavereadthisbook,youwilllikelybeawareofthemissingsignalsandthemanysmallcluesthattheavoidantisnotcommittingtoyouoranyoneanytimesoon,butthosewhoareunawareofthistypewillusuallysoldieron,nottrustingtheirownfeelingthatsomethingaboutPrinceCharmingisnotquiteright. Thedismissive-avoidantisafraidofandincapableoftoleratingtrueintimacy.Sincehewasbroughtupnottodependonanyoneorrevealfeelingsthatmightnotbeacceptabletocaregivers,hisfirstinstinctwhensomeonegetsreallyclosetohimistorunaway.Superficiallythedismissive(asopposedtothefearful-avoidant)thinksveryhighlyofhimself,andislikelytopinanyblameforrelationshiptroublesonhispartners;butunderneath(especiallyintheextremeformwelabelnarcissism),thereissuchlowselfesteemthatathiscorehedoesnotfeelhistrueselfisworthyofloveandattention.Shouldapartnerpenetratehisarmor,unconsciousalarmbellsgooffandheretreatstoeitheralonenessorthesafetyofcompanionshipwithotherswhodonotrealizeheisnotwhatheappearstobeonthesurface. Thedismissiveattemptstolimithislevelofexposuretopartnersbymanipulatinghisresponse,commonlybyfailingtorespondtomessagesrequestingassurance.Inbigandsmallways,dismissivesletyouknowthatyouarelowontheirprioritylist,andyourinneremotionalstateisyourproblem—whenyouarewithone,youarereallystillalone,inanattachmentsense.Byonlypartlyparticipatinginthenormalmessage-responseoftheattached,theysubconsciouslylimitthethreatanotherposestotheirindependence.Thisbehavioriscalleddistancing,andallofusdoittolimitourintimacywithotherswhenwedon’twanttobeascloseastheydo,butforthedismissiveit’satooltobeusedonthemostimportantpeopleintheirlives. LevineandHellerhaveausefullistofdistancingbehaviors(alsocalleddeactivatingstrategies):  •Saying(orthinking)“I’mnotreadytocommit”—butstayingtogethernonetheless,sometimesforyears. •Focusingonsmallimperfectionsinyourpartner:theways/hetalks,dresses,eats,or(fillintheblank)andallowingittogetinthewayofyourromanticfeelings. •Piningafteranex-girlfriend/boyfriend—(the“phantomex”—moreonthislater). •Flirtingwithothers—ahurtfulwaytointroduceinsecurityintotherelationship. •Notsaying“Iloveyou”—whileimplyingthatyoudohavefeelingstowardtheotherperson. •Pullingawaywhenthingsaregoingwell(e.g.,notcallingforseveraldaysafteranintimatedate). •Formingrelationshipswithanimpossiblefuture,suchaswithsomeonewhoismarried. •“Checkingoutmentally”whenyourpartneristalkingtoyou. •Keepingsecretsandleavingthingsfoggy—tomaintainyourfeelingofindependence. •Avoidingphysicalcloseness—e.g.,notwantingtosharethesamebed,notwantingtohavesex,walkingseveralstridesaheadofyourpartner. Themoreextremeavoidantsarealmostincapableoftalkingabouttheirfeelings;whateverfeelingstheydohaveaccesstoareprimarilynegativeandtheyhavegreatdifficultydescribingthemverbally. Thissyndromeiscalledalexithymia,therootsofthewordliterallymeaning“havingnowordsforfeelings,”whichisnotquitethesamethingasnothavingfeelings.Theworstcasescanonlyexpressthemselveswithinchoateragesandtantrums,orunexplainedphysicalsymptomslikestomachpainsandadrenalinrushes. Themostcompellingtheoryofhowconsciousnessarosehasbetween-personcommunication(primitivelanguage)givingrisetointernalcommunication,sothatwhatweseeasastreamofconsciousnessisactuallyinternaldialogue,talkingtoyourself.Notingthis,youmightsaythataninabilitytonameandtalkaboutfeelingscripplesaperson’sabilitytobeconsciouslyawareofthem.Ifoneisverypooratdoingthis,onewouldtendtonotefeelingsonlyasmanifestedinsomaticsymptomslikefastheartrate,discomfort,lossofenergy,nervousness,etc. Thisiswhytalkingtosomeoneabouthowyoufeel(orwritingaboutit)isalsotrainingforbeingconsciousoffeelingsinternally.Themoreyoutalkaboutittoothers,themoreyoucantalkaboutittoyourself.Evenforthosenotsufferingfromalexithymia,talkingorwritingaboutfeelingscanclarifyunderstandingofthem,whichisoneofthereasonstalktherapyiseffective. [Note:ifyouarrivedherelookingforinsightintoadismissivespouseorlover,I’vejustpublishedabookonthetopic:Avoidant:HowtoLove(orLeave)aDismissivePartner.RightnowavailablefromAmazonKindlefor$3.99,andatradepaperbackisalsoavailable.] Otherrelevantposts: Dismissive-AvoidantsasParents WhyWeAreAttractedtoBadPartners(WhoResembleaParent) Avoidant:EmotionsRepressedBeneathConsciousLevel Dismissive-Avoidants:GayandLesbianCases Anxious-Preoccupied/Dismissive-AvoidantCouples:theSilentTreatment Anxious-Preoccupied:StuckontheDismissive? “BadBoyfriends”–UsefulforImprovingCurrentRelationships AsianCultureandAvoidantAttachment AttachmentTypeCombinationsinRelationships SerialMonogamy:theFearful-AvoidantDoItFaster Limerencevs.Love RulesforRelationships:RealismandEmpathy PerfectSoulmatesorFellowTravelers:BeingHappyDependsonPerspective Mate-Seeking:TheScienceofFindingYourBestPartner Formoreontheotherattachmenttypes: Type:Secure Type:Anxious-Preoccupied Type:Fearful-Avoidant FurtherReading Myfirstbookonattachment,BadBoyfriends:UsingAttachmentTheorytoAvoidMr.(orMs.)WrongandMakeYouaBetterPartner,goesintogreaterdetailonhowtheDismissivecanworkonbeingpositiveandlearntovaluegoodpartners,andhowthepartnersofaDismissivemightcopewiththeirdistancing. Formoreinsightintoadismissivespouseorlover,I’vejustpublishedabookonthetopic:Avoidant:HowtoLove(orLeave)aDismissivePartner.RightnowavailableonlyfromAmazonKindlefor$3.99(orlocalcurrencyequivalent),butbyOct.15thapaperbackshouldalsobeavailable. Dr.JohnGottman’sbook(TheSevenPrinciplesforMakingMarriageWork)isagreatguideonhowtostriveforsecureattachmentwithyourpartnerwhenyouaredismissive-avoidant,andhowtobemoresecureinanyrelationship. Formorediscussionofdismissives,gotoJebKinnisonBoards:Dismissive-Avoidant. Note:Becausetherearealreadytoomanycommentsonthispage,ifyouwanttocomment,I’drecommendyoustartathreadatthedismissive-avoidantforuminsteadofcommentingonthispage. Sharethis:TwitterFacebookRedditEmailPrintLinkedInTumblrPocketPinterestLikethis:LikeLoading... 69comments Pingback:“TheScienceofHappilyEverAfter”–CouplesCommunications|JebKinnison Pingback:DatingPoolDanger:HardertoFindGoodPartnersAfter30|JebKinnison Pingback:EarlyChildDevelopment:TheHighCostofAbuseandNeglect|JebKinnison Pingback:Anxious-Preoccupied:StuckontheDismissive?|JebKinnison Pingback:Anxious-Preoccupied/Dismissive-AvoidantCouples:theSilentTreatment|JebKinnison Pingback:The“FairyTale”Myth:BothFalseandDestructive|JebKinnison Pingback:The“fairytale”mythofrelationships:Bothfalseanddestructive Pingback:“Sliding”IntoMarriage,SmallWeddingsAssociatedwithPoorOutcomes|JebKinnison Pingback:SubconsciousPositivityPredictsMarriageSuccess…|JebKinnison Pingback:WhyWeAreAttractedtoBadPartners(WhoResembleaParent)|JebKinnison Pingback:Avoidant:EmotionsRepressedBeneathConsciousLevel|JebKinnison Pingback:MeanPeopleSuck:“RadicalizingtheRomanceless”|JebKinnison Pingback:DomesticViolence:RayandJanayRice|JebKinnison Pingback:Therapy(Session9)byEricaJoy Thepremiseofthisarticleisbasedontheideathateverysinglepersonsecretlywantssomesortofemotionalattachmentorissomehow“suppressing”theirfeelings.Thathasalwaysbeenmyquibblewithpsychology.Insteadofpaintingavoidant/dismissivetypes(andothertypes)assomehowbrokenorneedingfixing,howaboutacceptingthemforwhotheyactuallyare?Isn’tthewhole“point”toacceptpeopleandnottrytochangethemtohowyouwouldwantthemtobe?Icallthatmanipulation…andafalserelationship.Somepeoplesimplyareanti-socialanddnotwanttobebotheredwithotherpeople…theycallthemanti-socialforareason.Atleastthey’rehonestaboutbeinganti-social…unlikemostoverlyemotional,dependenttypesthatpsychologywantsusalltobelike. Spokenlikea“true”dismissive,eh? Loading... Beingadismissivetypeisnormal,andtheindependenceofdismissivescanbeavaluabletraitthatenablesthemtosuccessfullyoperatealone.Almosteveryonefeelsdismissivesometime.Thatsaid,thispieceaddresseswhetherdismissivesmakegoodpartnersforothertypesofpeople,andweknowstatisticallythatit’sveryrarefordismissivestohavearelationshipwithanotherdismissive. What’sbadisthatdismissivesdohaverelationshipswithtypeswhoexpectaresponsiveandloyalpartner,andtheseoftengoverybadly.Sorecognizingthatthisseeminglyinterestedpersonisonlygettingintoarelationshipwithyoubecauseit’sexpected,hisorherfamilyispressuringthem,heorshehasbeentrainedsincechildhoodtoseeamarriageasimportant,etc. It’sfinefordismissivestolookdownonothersandstayaloneinlife.Thehonestlyanti-socialarenotharmingothers.Thepretend-social,thecharming,andthosewhoallowsomeonetothinktheyarepartofapartnershipwhentheyhavenoinclinationorintentiontodotheirpartaretherealdisasterswaitingtohappen,andit’sthosethispieceiswarningotherstoavoid. Loading... TotallyforgotIpostedhere!Thankyou,email! Adismissivewhomisleadsothersinarelationshipsoundskindoflikeapsychopath,borderline,narcissist,orwhateverotherpersonalitydisorderfitsthedescription……Wouldn’tauserdismissivefallintooneofthesetypesofcategories?Perhapsdismissiveshouldbesplitintotwogroups..theusersandtheavoidants? Iwouldthinkatruedismissivewouldknowwhetherornottheyarenotmeantforrelationships…andavoidthem.IcertainlyknowIamnot…Icannotconnectontheemotionallevelrequired,nordoIwantto….Emotionsew… I’dthinksomeonewhomanipulatedarelationshipforwhateverreasonwouldnotbeatruedismissive…iftheyfelttheneedtomanipulatesomeone,thentheyFEELsomesortofneedtohaveapersonaroundtomanipulate..theyNEEDanotherpersontofulfilltheirneeds…Iwouldn’tthinkatruedismissivewouldneedanypersontofulfilltheirneeds…Icertainlydon’t…it’sfartoodrainingandfartoomucheffortforme.Avoidingissomucheasier. Thenagain,IcouldbecookingupmyowntheoriesbasedonmyselforI’mevenweirderthanIthoughtIwas…Lol Loading... Therearepeoplewhoareawaretheydon’twanttobeclosetoothersandtakeaconsciouslone-wolfstance,likeyou,butIdon’tthinkthat’sascommonasbuyingalltheprogrammingthattellspeopletheyaresupposedtohaveapartner,andalltheexpectationsandtrainingfromtheirfamilythattheyfeeltheyhavetotrytoliveupto.Itmaytakeafewfailedattemptsbeforetheyknowconsciouslythattheysimplydon’tcaremuchforhavingadeeplyintimaterelationship. You’refineandanassettotheworldasasingleton.Thetroublecomesfromthosewithoutthatlevelofinsightintothemselves. Loading... Whathappenswhentwodismissivesareinarelationship?Ihavealong-termhandsomeboyfriend,withwhomwesleepindifferentroomsandsharelittletimetogether,buthaveafunctioninghomewithtwodogstogetherandI’mhappywiththislevelofintimacy.HoweverIavoidhavingsexwithhimandhaveanotherguyforthat,withwhomIhavehadalong-distancerelationshipforafewyears.Theybothtellmetheydon’tmindthecurrentarrangement.Isthisa‘successful’dismissiveunion?!Isthishowit’ssupposedtobe? Outsiderskeepcriticisingeachofusforbeing‘weird’inourpersonallifeeventhoughnooneknowsofthethreewaysituation.Thisseems(tome)tobethesourceofanytroubleweeverhave. Loading... Ifbothofyouarereasonablyhappywithyourarrangement,thencongratulations—you’vefoundarareequilibrium.Itwon’tworkforbringingupchildren,butdismissiveswhocanbehappywithminimalintimacyarebetterofffindingeachotherandacceptingthatkindofarrangement.It’srarebecausetherewerefewmodels,andevenmostdismissivesimaginethatitistheirpartnerwhopreventsthemfromenjoyingmorecloseness,andifonlytheyhadtherightpartner,theywouldsuddenlygetandgiveaffectionmoreeasily. Ignorethebusybodiesandcritics.Yourarrangementisnoneoftheirbusiness. Loading... Iagree.Thatiswhatmyexwasdoing,charming,kindandpretendingtobeinminirelationships.Although,hesaid,mineandhiswasthehardesthetriedwithsomeoneandtheclosesthecametoloveandmarriage.Verysad. Loading... Iamsimilartothis,andsowasmyex.BUThehadstrungalong3womenpriortomeetingme.Andstillonoccasionwouldseetheminotherstates.Thiswashiswayofnotconnectingtoanyoneandkeepinghisdistance,butgettingthesex,affection,companionshipinthesefakeonedayamonthoreveryothermonthtrysts.Then,hemetme.Hewasfallinginloveandhewasterrified.Childabuseinbothourbackgrounds.Well,itallblewupandnow,hesitsalonethinkinghowhecandoacommittedrelationship,butchoosestowork12-16hoursadayinsteadanddrowninwork. Thisisabnormal,notjustsomeonewhoisn’tapeopleperson.Hehasneverhadarealrelationshipsincecollegeandheisinhis40s.Andneverbeeninloveuntilme.Heisterrifiedthathecan’topenupandgetclose,soIsitbrokenheartedandheworksuntilhedrops.Beentwomonthsnow.Sometimeswemustconfrontourpainfromchildhoodabuseandmakepeacewithitandhehasnot. Loading... Jeb, AfterreadingAttached,Icameacrossyourbooksandwantedtoknowwhatitmayholdforsomeonewhoconsidersthemselfavoidant.IdliketolearnmoreaboutwhatisidealformyselfandhowIcanmakemysituationworkbetterasIbelieveIamwithsomeonewhoisverygoodtomebutIstillhavetroubleconnectingwith. Thanks, Rob Loading... ThebookAvoidantgoesintodepthaboutdismissiveandfearful-avoidants,morefromthepointofviewofthosetryingtolivewiththemthantryingtohelpthemunderstandthemselves,butquiteafewpeoplehavetoldmetheydidfinditusefulinunderstandingtheirownavoidantbehaviors.Itwouldprobablygiveyousomeinsightintobothyouandyourpartner’sreactions. Loading... HiJeb, Isitatallpossibleforananxiousattachment(me)tohavealastingrelationshipwithadismissiveavoidant(mypartner)?Ikeepreadingthattheyneverlastorworkout,butifIcanrecogniseourattachmentstylesisthereanythingthatcanbedonetohelporisitbesttojustgiveupandmoveon?candissmissiveavoidantschangeorwillitalwaysbeaonesidedthing?Ihavenevermentionedanythingaboutattachmentstohimsoheisunaware. AplogiesforthelongessayandpoorgrammerbutIthoughtitwouldhelpifIgiveyouaninsight! Wehavebeentogether4years,Im31andheis27wehaveahousewhichweboughttogether3yearsagoandhave2dogs.Hehasprettymuchallthesignsofadissmissiveavoidantbutcanalsobequiteaffectionate.HealwayssaysIloveyouandalwayssaysitfirstandalwaysgoestoholdmyhandwhenweareouttogether,anddoesquitealotofthingsformewhichIthoughtdissmissiveavoidantsdidntdo,butalsousessomeofthedistancingtechniquesthatyouhavelisted. •Flirtingwithothergirlswhenoutsocialisingwithfriends,butalsomessagingthemandgirlsheusedtodate,andflirtingwiththemonfacebookimplyinginthemessagesthathewantstotakethingsfurtheriehavesexwiththembutneveractuallygoingthroughwithitormeetingthem.Isthisjustanegoboostforhisselfesteemordoesheactuallywantthistohappen? Hethinksveryhighlyofhimselfandisverysociablealwayswantingtobethecentreofattentionineverythingespeciallywhenheisoutwithpeople.HedoesntgooutasmuchashedidbecauseheknowsIdontlikeitafterIcaughthimoutandconfrontedhimonthemessageswhichhestillcontinuedtodoforabitbutnotanymore(thatIknowofanyway).WhenIaskedhimwhyhesaidhedidntknowwhyhedidit.Ifhegetsinvitedoutanddesperatelywantstogohewillaskmeifwehaveplansandifnotifhecango,otherwisehedoesntbothertoaskmebecausehesaysitwilljustendinanargumentsojustsaysnotohisfriends,ithinkhefeelslikehehastoclockinwithmeotherwiseiwillgetmad.(whichinmostcasesIdobecauseifeelhewillmeetsomeoneelseandcheatonme(myanxiousattachmentcomingout)healsotellsliessometimesaboutlittlethingsbecauseheknowsiwillreadintoitandmakesomethingoutofit.Wouldntadissmissiveavoidantjustleavemeandmoveontosomeoneelse?ifimstoppinghimfromdoingwhathewantswhydoesntheleaveorisitjustconvenientforhim? IsthereawaythiscouldeverworkoutoramIjustclutchingatstrawsandprolongingtheinevitiable? Yourthoughtsopinionswouldbeveryhelpfulandappreciated. Loading... First,ifyouhaven’treadmyAvoidantbook,Ihighlyrecommendthat.🙂 Butmyopinionfromthelimitedsketchyou’reprovidedisthatheisonlyabitdismissive,andthere’sevidence(asyouyourselfareaware)thatsomeofthatisinreactiontoyouranxietyandvigilance.Ifheisflirtingandwantstobeonhisownabit,thatisfarfromdisloyaltoyourrelationship—ifhedoesnotneglectyouortreatyoushabbilyonthewhole,orstartcommittingtosomeoneelse,youhaveaplayfulfreespiritonyourhands.Listentohisaffectionandnotyouranxieties.Itsoundslikehecaresforyouandvaluesyouintherelationship,andit’syourcontrollinghimthatiscreatingmostoftheissues. AsIsaid,I’mnotthereandIshouldn’tjudge.Butyoualmostansweryourownquestion. Loading... Jeb, Mycounselorsteeredmetowardsomeliteratureaboutdismissive-avoidantattachmentdisorder,suggestingImaybein-linewithmanyofthecharacteristics..Therewasnotaniteminthispostthatdidnotdescribemetoa“T”. IusedtobelieveIwasjusttoogoodatbeingsingletobesuccessfulinarelationship,butI’vebeenfindingIjusttireofitalltooquickly.Idon’tlikebeingphysical,Idon’tenjoycuddlingorsharingsecrets.Ilikenothavingtodependonothers,andnothavingothersdependonme.Idohavefriends(fromchildhood)thatIdogenuinelyenjoybeingaround,butIfindformingandmaintaingnewrelationshipswithothersincreasinglydifficultbecause..honestly..Ijustdon’tcare.ImayfeellikeI’mmissingoutalittlewhenIseeotherssohappyinlove,butthatfeelingisalmostimmediatelyreplacedwithamental“nosescrunch”atthethoughtofsuchinterdependenceandinter-reliance. Iunderstandthatmanypeoplearecomfortablebeingalone-wolf,butIwanttoembraceothersandIwanttobeabletothinkaboutbeinginlovewithoutfeelinglikeIjusttastedsomethingawful..SoiguessmyquestiontoyouiswheredoIgofromhere?YouhaveinsightintohowthelovedonesofDismissivesmaycope,butdoesitgetbetterfortheDismissivehimself?Isthereawaytoallowmyselftomakeattachments? IfearI’llbealoneforever,andthatisnotalifeIwant. Caitlyn Loading... Well,thekindofpersonthatcouldbehappywithyouwithoutbeingcloseortriggeringyour“ick”reactionisgoingtoberare.Tosomeextentyoucanactivelyworkagainstyourtendency—practicingbeingsupportiveandresponsiveuntilitbecomesahabit.WhileyoumightneverbeMs.Intimate,youdohaveenoughfeelingforwantingtobenearsomeoneonyourtermstomakesomethingwork,ifyouareveryhonestwiththemaboutyournatureandsuccessfullyovercomeitwhenitreallymatters—yourtendencywillbetoseeanexpressionofneedfromyoupartnerandtoimmediatelybeturnedoff;torespondandassistrequiresovercomingthat,butthemoreoftenyoudoitandtherewardisacalmerandlessneedypartner,theeasieritwillbecome. So,yes,it’shard,butifyouareconsciousofwhatisgoingon,youcandoit.Thefactthatyouseeyourselfinthispieceanddon’timmediatelydismissitisasignthatyouhavethewill. Loading... Veryinformative!I’mnotgoingcrazyafterall… Loading... HiJeb-Ifindthisarticleveryinteresting,asIbelieveitdescribesmyexboyfriendtoa‘T’.Wedatedforalittleoverayear.He’dtraveloften(whichIsawasawaytoavoidbeinginourhomecity),hewouldsayhewantedtoseemebutreallyseemedindifferenttoseeingmeornot.Ifweweretravelinganddidn’tseeeachotherforafewweeks,hewouldn’tseemtosincerelymissme–almostseemedlikeavacationfromhimoftheresponsibilitiesofourrelationship.Hekepthisex-girlfriendinthepicture,despiteknowingitbotheredme,heneveroncegotangry/upset/sadintherelationship–wasjusttotallyindifferentandaloof.Hedidhoweverexpressthathelovedme(theonlypersonheeverloved)anddidn’twanttoloseme.Buthisactionsandwords,justdidn’tmatch.However,Ieventuallyhadenoughandbrokeupwithhim.Heseemedindifferentandexpressedtomethatheevenwasrelievedthathecouldbeselfishanddowhathewantedtodo.Dodismissive-avoidantsjustnothaveanyformofemotionforthosetheyonceloved? MyconcernisthatwhenIenteredtherelationship,IwasatapointwithmyselfwhereIwasconfident,secure,andhadatake-it-or-leaveitattitudeaboutrelationships.Isimplydidn’tfeeltheneedforone,butIwasready.However,aftersomanytimesofhimflakingout,breakingpromises,notcallingmewhenhesayshe’sgoingto,talkingtohisexbehindmyback,yetexpressing(withwordsandsomegestures)thathelovesme…Ifeltthatitkindofdrovemecrazy.Ibecameanxious,paranoid,andtotallyinsecure.Isitcommonforpartnersofdismissive-avoidantstogrowangstovertime?Ifeltsecureforafewmonthsintherelationship,untilhebetrayedmytrust.Afterthatthough,itwasprettymuchconstantangst..thatI’msureinsomeregardpushedhimaway.Idowonderthough,ifthisisachickenortheeggthing..likeifIsomehow’caused’himtobethisway?Or,ifhesomehowmovedmeintothemoreanxiousattachmentstyle?Iwas(happily)singleforafewyearsbeforeImethim,soIdon’tfeelthati’mnecessarilyinlinewiththeanxious-avoidance,butfeellikeIcertainlybecamethat. Loading... Morethanlikelyheisdismissive-avoidant,andwillalmostalwaystakethisaloofstancewhichprotectshimfromconsciouspainwithrelationships.Mostpeoplewhoarereasonablysecurewillendupfeelinganxiousafterbeingwithadismissiveforlongenoughtoreact,anditcantakesometimetobuildupyourtrustandconfidenceinyourselfaftersucharelationship.Andyoushouldn’tblameyourselffornotseeingthesignsatfirst,becausecommonlythedismissivewillbeattentiveandmoderatelyresponsiveatfirst—theycanbecharmingandenjoythethrillofthehunt.Butwhentheyhavegraspedtheobjectofinterest,theydon’twanttobedependentontherelationshipandwillnotconsciouslybeveryconcernedwhenitrunsintotrouble.Giveyourselfrecoverytime,andlookforsomeonewhodemonstratesdeepfeelingforyou,andawillingnesstoworkhardforyouwhenyoureallyneedit…. Loading... IappreciateyourresponseJeb.I’mworriedthatIwillkeepmissingtheearlysigns–Imean,arethereany?Hereallyseemedtoogoodtobetrue.Heliterallydoesn’tcarethatwe’reover,whichdoeskindofgivemethefeelingof‘whatdidIdothatwassobadthatthismanthat‘loved’meliterallyfeelshappierandreliefthatI’mnolongerinthepicture’.Buthehasnothingbadtosayaboutme.Isthistypicalbehaviorofadismissive-avoidant?Willhebethesamewaywiththenextgirl? Loading... Fairlytypical.Awell-practicedDismissivecanemulateconcernandbequiteresponsiveinthehuntphase.Sothere’snofoolproofwayoftellinguntilthenoveltyfadesandyouareleftwiththeirbehaviormotivatedbylimitedrealaffection.Onetipistorestrainyourselffromrelyingtoomuchonanewrelationshipuntilit’snolongernew…andasforattitudestowardexes,theywilloftenromanticizethemandtrytoreturnafteralongseparationwhennooneelseisgivingthemattention.Don’tfallforthat;rememberthereisnotrueloyaltyinthem.Bethankfulthatyoufoundoutbeforebuildingawholelifearoundhim.Rememberthattheirfearofintimacyisirrationalandmakesnosense. Loading... IsitpossiblefortheDismissive-Avoidanttypetobeinayear+relationshipthough?IfeelalittlestuckinthethoughtthatIsomehowcausedhimtopullaway/distancehimself.Thefactthathe’shappiernow/relievedhasmethinkinglike‘wow,whatdidIdoforsomeonetohavepureexcitementbackintheirlivesnowthatthey’redonewithme’.I’vereallybeenblamingmyselfforthebreakupandhisindifference–it’slikehefeelsnopainorillfeelingswhat-so-ever.Meanwhile,I’mstruggling.HeadmittedtostillhavingmythingsIleftathisplaceatthesamespotIleftthem..monthsago.Seemstotallyunphasedandhasnorealreasontomournmylossbecauseafterall,hedoesn’tseeitasaloss.Doesitevercatchuptotheseguys?Isitcommonforbreakupswithmenlikethistobeincrediblypainful?I’vebeenreadingyourbook,soI’mhopingthathelpsmelearnmoreandmore. Loading... Mostdismissivesaresociallyintelligent.Theyknowhowthey’resupposedtobehaveinarelationship—theycanmodelcaringandattentionforquitealongtimebeforetheirlackoftrueaffectionbecomesapparentintheirfailuretosignal.It’softenaconsciousgoaltogetintoagoodrespectablerelationshiptogetthebenefitsandsatisfyrelatives.Buttheyrarelyknowit’sanactuntiltheyfeelthereliefofendingit—whentheycanstoppretendingtocare.Andthatcanbeayearormorein.Soifyoustartedtoactmoreneedyasaresultofhisfailuretorespond,andthatdrovehimoutfaster,thatwasnotsomethingyoudid.Ideallyyouwon’tletsomeoneelse’slackofsupportmakeyouinsecure,butit’scompletelyhumanandnotyourfault. Loading... Pingback:Quora HiJeb, I’vejustreadyourarticle,andIfinditveryinsightfulformeatthistime.Ithinkmyboyfriendorex-(I’mnotsurewe’restilltogether,it’sbeenkindofbumpyrecently),hasanavoidantattachmentstyle,dismissive-avoidant.Heworksalot,andsayshedoesn’thavetimetospendwithme.Iwonderedwhetherhecoulddecreasehishours,justalittlebit,sohe’dhavemoretimetospendwithmeandhisfriends,butIneversuggestedit.Heexpectsmetoreadhismind,andispleasedwhenIdosomethingthatisinaccordancewithhowhefeels,yethehasfailedtoexpresshowhefails,almost100%ofthetime,sothatleavesittochancewhetherornotIdosomethingthathelpsmeethisneeds.Hewouldmissscheduleddates,andfailtotextorcallthathewasn’tcoming–overtentimes.Healsosayshedoesn’tcaretousethephone.Hehasoftenprizedhisfriendsoverme,althoughIknowitisimportanttohimandthatheabsolutelyshouldspendintimatetimewiththemtoo,heonlyspendsintimatetimewiththem,andnonewithme.HeinfactpushesmeawayifIamnot“complying”whatwhateveritishewantsinthemoment.Recently,hemovedtoMaine.Hechosetotakeontwojobsandwasbecomingobsessedwithhisfamily,andIwashavingahardtimeunderstandingit.Iwasfeelingstressedthatweekfromwork,soIbrokedown,andstartedaccusinghimofnotcaringaboutourrelationshiporbeingresponsibleinit,andthatpushedhimawayfurther,asyou’vesaid.Hebasicallyavoidedtalkingtomeonthephonefornearlytwoweeks,thenfinallyIcaughthimonedayonthephone,andhesaidhewantedtobreakup.Iwasshockedbecausetwoweeksearlier,hehadsaidhewassatisfiedbeingintimatewithme.Hethoughthehadtherightnottocall,orifhewasreallybusy,atleastsay,hey,ImightbeawayfromthephoneforaweekbecauseIhavealotofhours–orsomethinglikethat.Butbasically,hedidnotcareaboutthefactthatwhathedidhadanimpactonme,andoftentimeswouldhurtme,andcreatealackofintimacyandopencommunicationintherelationship.WhenIwouldaskhimaboutit,he’dgetdefensive,andself-righteous,actinglikehewasentitledtobeinacommittedrelationshipwithme,butdononeoftheworktomaintainit.Andalso,thatitwasmyfault.Icareabouthim,butIamreallylostastowhattodowithallofthisnonsensicalbehavior.HisfatherdiedwhenhewasinmiddleschoolIthink,soitobviouslyhadahugeimpactonhim.Ithinkhisattachmentproblemsstemfromthat.Iwouldwanttostaywithhim,butifheisinfactavoidant,andisnotopentogettinghelpandworkingonit,thenIwillhavetoleaveforgood.I’mconfusedastowhattodoorhowtothinkaboutit,andI’mtiredoffeelingsohurtbyhim,buthavinghimnevertakeresponsibilityforhisactionswhenItellhimhowIfeel. Thanks, Annie Loading... Annie—Iamsorrytohearofyourproblems.Askyourselfifareasonablepersonwouldtoleratethelackofrespectforyourfeelingsthathehasshown.Sinceyou’veincludedsomanydetails,Icansayitisunlikelyhewilltakeanyactiontoimprovethings,andyourbestcourseistolookforsomeonewhovaluesyoumoreandcanbereliedon.Bestofluck. Loading... Jeb,amongothersthisquotebyM.E.Connors(1997)portraystheavoidanttypeprettywell: “Becausetheseindividualstendtoinvestinworkratherthaninrelationshipsandmaybeverysuccessfulinprofessionalendeavors,mostavoidantindividualsprobablynevercometotheattentionofclinicians.Althoughitislikelythatinsecureattachmentisafactorinmuchadultpsychopathology,theautonomyofthedismissingstyletendstobeadmiredinourculture,unliketheobsessiveclingingthatmaycharacterizetheambivalentindividualinadulthood.Aswemightexpectfromtheelevatedheartratenotedinavoidantinfants,theseindividualsarepronetoincreasedsomaticizingwhenunderstress(Mikulincer,Florian,&Weller,1993).Theymaybevulnerabletosequelaesuchasmusculartension,highbloodpressure,cardiacdifficulties,oranxietydisorders.Avoidantindividualsalsohavebeenfoundtousealcoholtoreducetension(Brennan&Shaver,1995).Whensuchindividualsseektreatment,itmaybeduetosuchsymptomsratherthanfromawishtolearntotrustothers.” Loading... Ihavethoughtfullyreadtheentireentry,aswellasthediscussion,andIhaveafewthoughtsI’dliketoshare. Firstly,mostofwhatisstatedinthispieceistheoreticallytrue,andIknowthathavingtocopewithanavoidantordismissiveattachmentstyleisveryemotionallyexhaustivelyoverwhelming.However,itisalsoemotionallyexhaustivelyoverwhelmingtobeandattachmentavoidant(borderlinedismissivetype),likemyself… Aswitheveryoneelse,Ihadsomechildhoodtraumas…Butunfortunately,mineincludedparentalabandonment(physicallybymymotherandemotionallybymyfather).—AlthoughIdon’tconsciouslycarrythesetraumasaroundintheforefrontofmymind,Idothink,uponseriousexaminationofmyunhealthyattachmentstyle,myattachmentbehaviorcanandmustbetracedbacktothoseprettyawfulprecipitatingevents…Interestinglyenough,Ihaveaverysecureattachmentstylewithallofmyfriendsandmostofmyfamily(andevennow,mymotherandfather)myintimaterelationshipshavealwayssufferedbecauseofmeeitherby:1)Attachingmyselftosomeonewhoisphysicallyoremotionallymoreunavailabletome,orthanme,or;2)Begininngarelationshipwiththebestoffeelingsandintentionsonlytoliterallyfeelasifthelifeisbeingsuffocatedoutofmewhentheotherpersonhasamoresecureattachmentstylethanmyself. Thesetwooptionshavebeenmylifepatternanditisabsolutelyawful.IfeellikeIamabrokenpersonwithabrokensoul.WhenIfeeltrapped(whichisusuallyprettyearlyon)Iimmediatelyendit,tellthemIobviouslyhaveaseriousproblemforpushingawaysomeonewhoisgenuineandwhojustwantstoloveme,andthenIfeelguilty(asmuchasIfeelrelief)andthenfeellikeahorribleperson… WhatI’mtryingtosayisyouhavemadeitsoundasifallofusavoidant/dismissivetypesarepreyingonthesoulsofothers…Ican’tspeakforeveryonewhohasthisproblem,butIcansaythatitistrulysofrustratingandsadformetofeelthiswayandtodothesethings.Ihavebeentotherapy,I’vemadeamends,andreadmanybooks,I’velearnedmindfulnessandhaveastrongawarenessonhowmyattachmentstyleaffectsmypartners,anditliterallybreaksmyheart…Somehow,I’vemanagedtostayfriendswiththosewhomIhavehurtbecauseIamnotabadpersonandIactuallyreallydohavefeelingsandIreallydo(anddid)careforthesepeople.–Ijusthaveanoverwhelmingvisceralemotionalreactionthattakesovermewhensomeonebeginstogettooclosetomeintimately.Iliterallygetandfeelphysicallyill,nauseous,andfeellikeIneedtojumpoutofmyskinandrunfar,faraway,asifIaminmortaldanger.Youcannotimaginehavingtoreconcilethoseintensefeelingsvsyourbrain,whichisalsotellingmethateitherIamcrazyforfeelingthatway,orencouragesthesefeelings.Ithinkitisimportantforyoutoknowtheemotionalturmoilsomehavewiththeseattachmentstyles. WhenIwasreadingyourresponses,itjustcameacrosstomethatsomeofyourstatementswerecomingfromamorepersonalplaceratherthanclinical.AndmaybeIamwrong,but,peoplewithmytypeofattachmentproblemare,Ithink,maybetoosensitiveattimesandareafraidofmanythings,includinghurtingtheotherperson.Ijustthinkthatisimportantforyoutoknow. Loading... Irecentlycameacrossadultattachmenttheory.It’ssucharelieftoputanametomyrelationshippatternsandinternalexperiences.Unfortunatelythemajorityoftheinformationondismissiveattachmentstyle(whichIhave)isverynegativewithlittletreatmentrecommendationsnorhopeforimprovement.It’sprettybleakandthemoreIreadthemoreIfeelhopeless.Itshorribletofeeltrappedandsuffocatedinarelationship,it’sdoesn’tmakeiteasierevenwhenIknowthepersonI’mdatingisn’tintentionallymakingmefeelthisway.WhiledatingsomeoneIoftenfeeldesperatetorunaway,thenguiltyfordisappointinghim. ItsembarrassingtotellfriendsIbrokeupwithanothersuitableguy–andIdon’thavearealreason.Ilikedhimhelikedme,thenallofasuddenIfeltlikeIwaslockedinacoffinandairisgettingsuckedout,soIendedtobreathagain. Isthereafixforthis?IftherewereasecureattachmentmypillIwouldtakeit! Yourthoughts? Loading... There’snoeasywaytochange.Theideaofapillisactuallynotcompletelyridiculous—thereareintriguingstudiesonoxytocin,MDMA,andotherdrugsthatmighthavetheeffectofunblockingyour“desiretoaffiliate”more.Butnothingconcreteorespeciallypracticalasyet. Practicebeingthesecurepersonyou’dliketobe.Whenthenextguysendsyouamessageindicatinghewantsaresponse,respondevenwhenitfeelssafernotto.Practicebeingsupportiveevenwhenyoudon’tfeelit,anditeventuallybecomespartofyou.Andlookaroundfortheguywho’sself-containedenoughnottoneedyouallthatmuch;whounderstandswhenyouneedtobealoneoratwork.Workonyourselfsomeandfindtherightpartner,andyoucanbehappyinarelationship,evenifitisalittlebitmoreindependentthanmost…. Loading... Pingback:[INFJ]AskanINFJrelationshipquestionthread!-Page411 IsitpossiblethatI’maDismissive-Avoidantifmyparentswerenormal,securecaregivers?I’mnotdelusional,Iremembermychildhoodanditwasgood,myparentswerekindandlovingandtheystillare.TherestofthecharacteristicsofDismissivesappliestomeperfectly,Ijustdon’tseemyselfinthispart.DoesthatstillmakemeDismissive-Avoidant,orisitmutuallyexclusive(ifyouhadreliablecaregivers,youcan’tbeDismissive).IsitpossiblethatIamthewayIambecauseofwhatotherpeopledidtomewhenIwasyounger?(Idon’tmeananykindofabuse,Ijusthadshittyfriendsgrowingupandbasicallyallfriendshipssincethenhavebeendisappointingforbothpartiesinvolved,andIhaven’tbeenabletomaintainromanticrelationshipsforlongerthanafewweeks.) Loading... Yes,youareprobablydismissive-avoidantifyoubehaveandfeellikeone,evenifyourparentsseemedsupportiveandsecurethemselves.Whilethemostcommoncauseofgrowingupwithinsecureattachmenttendenciesispoorparentaltreatment,peersandanyotherencountersonehaswhenyoungcanaffectthis,plusthereisalmostcertainlyageneticcomponent,asthereiswithotherpersonality-typeissues.Peoplewhoareteasedandabusedbyothersassomeoftheirfirstpeerencountersoftenreactthisway,asaself-defensestrategy. Thegoodnewshereisthatyoucanassistyourselfinovercominginsecurities(andthedismissive’sattitudethatclosefriendsandpartnersaren’tthatimportant)byrecallingparentalloveandattention.Iftheymadeyoufeelsafewithoutsmotheringyou,consciouslyevokingthosefeelingswillhelpyouindealingwithothers. Loading... IsupposeIlivewitha“dismissive”spouseaswhatthistopicdescribes.Myquestionisatwhatpointdoesthebehaviorofthedismissiveallowedtobetoleratedanyfurther?I’vespentthelast6yearsofhimnotwantingtosharethesamebed(wesleepinseparatebedrooms),sexlessness,notouching,kissing,holdinghands,nointimacywhatsoever!Although,ithasn’talwaysbeenthisway,thefirst3yrswerepretty“normal”asfarasnormalgoes.AmIreallyjustbaringhiminlovelikeIwanttobelieve?OrhaveIbecameanenablertohisdestructivebehavior?AtsomepointIthoughthemayoutgrowwhatIrefertothis“selfish”behavior.Buthehasnot.AndBCIamonewhoplaceshighvalueonmarriageIamnotonetoruntothedivorcecourt.Butthetruthis,heisconstantlyshuttingmeout,findingfaultwithmyappearance,andcallingmecursewordsallthetime,eventhoughIrefusetodisrespecthimorcallhimnamesinreturn.Heconstantlyviolatesme,andthenblamesmeasthecauseofthisbehavior.Theworsepartaboutitis,thatwehaveachildwhoisbeingraisedinthisabnormalenvironment.WhenIwasgrowingup,Isawmomanddadlovingeachother,kissing,hugging,holdinghandsetc.No,likeallrelationshipstheyweren’t“perfect”buttherewasacertainlevelofhumilitypresent,and“I’msorry”whenoneover-steppedtheother’sboundary.AndtomethisiswhatIconsider:Love.Mysondoesn’tgettoseethat“normalcy”inourmarriage,andhowhusbandandwifeshldbothbeunified,notdivided.AnytimeItrytospeaktohimaboutthisorbringthisuphemakesmetalktohimthroughhisroomdoor…Whichiswhereheresidesmostofthetime,unlesshestepsintobea“parent”ifucanevencallitthat,tointeractwithourson.Whenhedoesinteractwithhim,hemakesitabout“himself”asifnoonecanout-dohim.Thistroublesmeinsomanyways,andIfeelthatIhave“allowed”himtobullyme,andhaveevenenabledhimtobewhoheistoday.Heconstantlydisrespectsmeinfrontofourchild,andthereisnoreprieve.NomatterhowmuchItellhimithurtsmyfeelings,hesayshedoesn’tcareaboutmyfeelings,thatIamnothingtohim.WhenIaskhimwhyishestayinginamarriagewithsomeonehedoesn’tcareabout,hesaysitisforourson…WhichIdontquitebelievetobetrue.ClditbebcIamthe“submissive”wife,generous,kind,loving,sensitive,forgivingregardlessofhowhetreatsmeandthatIhavegivenhimtheseveryreasonstowalkalloverme?Willheeverchange?Idowonder…Readingsomeofthesecommentsandhowpplhavesaid,“youshouldn’tasksomeonetochange”Idontthinkthatisfair.IbelieveifIwldhavesetmyboundariesinthebeginningnoneofthiswldbelikethistoday.Ihavenoproblemdivorcingifitissomethingheinitiates,bcultimatelyIdesiretobeloved,intimate,desirable,andaboveall:Respected.Ihavesharedthesethoughtswithhimtoo,butIfeelthereissomelevelof“fear”ofbeingaloneorfailingtobeabetterpersononhisend,bcheknowswhatheisdoingiswrong.Idk…But,IleaveittoGodtosortout.That’swhatmakesmyburdenlightertocarry.Whohasabeneficialanswerforme? Loading... Itdoestaketwototango,andyourfailuretoacttosetboundariesandpreserveyourdignityintherelationshiphasindeedenabledhim.Ifyou’rethinkinghemighthavehonoredyourboundarieshadyoubeenmorediligentinsettingthemandreactingtohisviolations,Isuspectnot—it’snotimpossible,butmorelikelyifyouhaddoneso,hewouldhavecontinuedandincreasedhisabuseofyou.Andatthatpointyouwouldquitesensiblyhavelefthim. Aftersomanyyearsyouarenotgoingtochangethispattern,orhim.Thereisno“answer,”justsomepathsyoumighttake—liveyourlifefullyandstaywithhimwhileignoringhisfailures;orleavehim.Isheworsethanbeingalone?Onlyyoucananswerthat. Loading... Idoappreciateyourfeed-back.AndIunderstandchoicethatIhavetomakeismyown.Mybeliefskeepmeinmymarriage,soinordertobe“divorced”itwldhavetobesomethingthatheinitiatesandnotme…Myhopeisthathewilleitherchange,andovercomehimself,orovercomehimselfandopttoleavethemarriageseeingthatheisincapableovercoming,andrealizingthathewillbedoingthefamilyjusticebyallowingusthefreedomtopursuehappiness.Ultimately,Ifeelitismydutyasawifetolovehim“forbetterorforworse”whetherI“feel”likeitornottohonorthevowsofmarriage.Marriageishonorable.Idolovehim,anditdoeshurt…But,inmyheartofheartIseethatheistheonetrulyhurting…Hehasnopeace,nojoy,noremorse,andunwillingtochange.Humilityandhonestyofoneselfdoeshurttoanextent,butthenityieldsthepeaceablefruitofrighteousness…Iprayforhim,andIshowhimIlovehimbymyactions.Itisentirelyuptohimtochangeandstepoutsideofhimselfandrecognizehisbehaviorisunacceptable.So…ThroughgenuineloveandforgivenessishowIsurvivefromdaytoday,knowingthatIamnot“perfect”myself.MaytheLordbringhealing,peace,restoration,forgiveness,andunity.Untilthen,Ihavechosentodomypart,evenofthatmeansImustsuffertheconsequences…ThatwillIdo,BClovealwayswins! 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Ihadahusbandmuchlikeyours.WhenIreadyourpost,IfeltlikeIwaslookinginthemirror.MyhusbandleftmeandIamsurehedidnotshedatearintheprocess.Soonafterourdivorce,hehadanotherseriousgirlfriend.Istayedwithhimfor15yearsandwehaveonedaughter.Iwouldleavebecauseeventuallytheimagehehascreatedofyou(notwhatyouare)willjustifyhisactions.Ithinkmyhusbandwashavinganaffaireventhoughhedeniesit.Iamalonenowwhichishard,butthelongeryoustaythemoreabusedyouwillbecomeanditwillbehardertorecoveronceitends,andusuallyitdoesend.Iagreethathewouldnothaverespectedanyboundariesyouhadset.Boundariescanmeansometypeofconfrontationanddismissiveshateconfrontation;theywilluseyourdesiretosetboundariesasevidenceofyour“controlling”personality.Iamsorryforyourpain.Dismissiveslookforkind-heartedpeopletouse.Getoutbeforehestealsmoreofyourlife.Peoplelovewhattheysacrificefor.Hedoesn’tsacrificeforyou;thus,therewillneverbelove.IwishIwouldhaveleftyearsago.Iamgrievingnowformymarriagebutalsoforyouthandeverythingigaveuptomakehimhappy.Forinstance,Iwantedanotherchildandheneverdid.So,wedidn’thaveanotherchild.Now,iamtoooldforasecondchild.Youneedtoloveyourself.Saveyourselfandyourson. Belinda Loading... Anne, Thankyouforempathizingwithme.Idoappreciateyourwordsofencouragement.Icanrelatetosimilarthingsthatyouaresaying…Iwonderifitispossiblethroughoutthisprocessto“cultivate”dismissivecharacteristics?Ihaveno“feelings”forhimingeneral,otherthantheoccasionalburstsofjoywhenhemightbuysomethingforthehouseorbuycertainfoodthatIlike.(Hedecidedtotakefullcontrolofourfinances,about1yrorsoago)Idon’tworkasofnow,Iamwaitingformyschoolbenefitstokickin(usedtobemilitary)andIjustgotoutoftheserviceAprilofthisyear.Idon’tneedmuch,orrequiremucheither,butforsomereasonheseemstothinkheshldbeplacedonapedestalBChe“provides”forourfamily.Mindyou,Ihavenoallowance,oraccesstoouroncejointaccount.Anotherwayhetriestodominatehis“power”overmyemotionsinthisrelationship.Butthetruthis,Istoppedcaringwhathethoughtaboutmeyearsago.Whileheiscontinuallyfinding“fault”withmyappearance,andvariousotherthingsthat“Ineverdoright”…Iregularlygetcompliments(uninvited)fromothermenoutsideofmymarriage,sayingthatIamanattractivewomanwithaheadonmyshoulders.IknowthatIcan“dobetter”butthatisnotwhatmyheartstrivesfor.IhonestlybelievethatifheeverdidinitiateadivorceIwldfeela“sense”ofrelief,soIwonderifthismakesmepartially“dismissive”orapersonsoheavilywoundedbyamanunwillingtochangehisways?Ihaveponderedinmyheartwhatitwldbeliketobe“free”fromthisburden,andcanhonestlysayformetobeintimatewithmyhusband(whichhasbeenlessthanIcancountonbothhandsinthelast6yrs,andwehavebeenmarriedforalmost10)wldbeverydifficultformeto“enjoy”it,sinceformetofeellovedistheideathatIamdesired,cherished,andvalued.But,BCthosethingshavebeensomanipulatedandtrampledonalltheseyears,intamcyisnolongersomethingIcraveordesirefromhim,itjustbecomesritualistic“sex”andintheprocessofit,(althoughmybodycravesit)Iamdetached“emotionally”andcan’twaitforthesessiontoexpire.Doesthismakemeadismissiveaswell?Isthisalearned,ordevelopedbehaviorIhaveattainedtothroughoutthisprocessoftime?OramIsimplyrespondingtohisnatureofcoldness?Atanyrate,stayinginaconstantemotionallyabusivemarriagehastakenatollonme,andmysonalike.Ifeelasenseofobligationto“makeeverythingallbetter”butIknowIamonlydeceivingmyself…Noonecandohispart,ultimatelyhehastodohispart,whetherheevolvesintothisnewperson,ordeclareshehasnointentionsofchanginganddecidestodepartfromthismarriage…Buteitherway,Ifeelitisoutofmy“place”asawomanoffaithtopressurehimintogettingadivorce.Ifhepursuesoneonhisown,thatisquitethedifferentstory.Ithastobesomethingself-motivated,notprovokedorinducedbyme,nomatterwhat“feelings”Imayhave…BC,attheendofitall,Idonotwishtoharboranyregretsnorviolatemyconscienceintheprocessandthinktomyself:“IfonlyIwldhavefoughtharder,ifonlyIwldhaveshowedhimIlovedhimmore”….Idontwantthatonmyheartorconscience.Therearesomethingsthatyoujusthavetolivebyfaith,andformeIknowinthistrialofmylifeGodisexpectingcertainthingsfromme,andifIdothem…Hewillavengeme!Icaneithergrowwearyinwelldoing,orIcanallowthethingsthatweallconsider“weaknesses”tobecomemotivestobuildstrength,toshowmysontheartofsufferingandstillgivemybestinreturn.Mostpplcallthisbeing“gullible”,butIcallitlove.Itiseasytowantjusticewhenthecostofitisn’tatpriceofoneself.Weallseektobejustified,satisfied,loved,appreciated,respectedinsomeformorfashion…Eventheonewhoopposesallofthesethings,whichIthinkitisquitetherevelationwhenucanseebeyondsomeone’shatredandrealizetheyaretheoneswhoaretrulyhurt.Youcannowplacemoreemphasisonbeingcompassionateversusbeingangry,resentfulorbitter…Knowingtheyareincapableofshowinglove,BCtheydon’tfeeltheydeserveitthemselves.Mypersonalambitionistogivehimanexampleofwhoheisnot,andpraythathecomestotheunderstandingandrealizationofthis.Idonotseekfor“pleasure”outsideofmymarriageandhavebecomeaccustomedtorejoicingandbeingthankfulforthesmallvictoriesinmylife,andgivingmyburdens,faults,andshortcomingstotheOneIknowwholovesmeunconditionally:JESUS.Iamconstantlyworking(inwardly)onmyselfandwillhumblemyselfaccordinglywhenIrecognizeafault.Iwantto“be”thechangeIwanttoseeImyhusband,iffornothingelseforaclearconscienceifhedecidestogotherouteof“divorce”…Wewillcrossthatbridgeifitcomestothat.So,thankusomuchforyourunderstandingAnne…TherearejustsomethingsIknowarebeyondmycontrol,soIhavedecidedtoletgo,andletGod… Loading... WasImarriedtoadismissive?Pleaserespondwithanyadviceorideas.Beforewegotmarriedmyexhadonlyoneseriousrelationshipandhevermuchdislikedhisoldgirlfriend.WhenmyexandIgotmarried,Iwasavirgin(Iwasfromareligiousbackground).Onourweddingnightmyhusbandwasnotthatexcitedaboutsexwhichsurprisedmebecausehewas23,heterosexualmale.Afterourmarriage,myhusbandbecameaddictingtorockclimbingandwasneverhome.Itriedhardtomakeitwork;wehadachild.Then,somebadthings,stressfulthingshappenedinourlifewhileIwasingradschool.IadmitIwasstressedout,andprobablynotapicnictolivewith.MyhusbandonlyworkedparttimeandspentmosthisfreetimeclimbingwhichmeantIwasworkingfull-time,goingtogradschool,andtryingtotakecareofchildmostlybymyself.IadmitIwasprobablysufferingfromanxietytryingtodealwithwork,school,motherhoodandtheotherunexpected,troubledthingsthatcomeeveryone’sway.Myhusbandwasveryaloof;hewouldnottouchortalktomeduringthistime.Ifeltlikebyjustaskinghimhowhisdaywas,Iwasbeingintrusive.Thenonedayhetoldmehedidn’tlovemeandwantedoutofthemarriage.IaskedhimoverandoveragainwhatIcouldtodomakethemarriagework,whatIhaddonewrong.Hisresponsewouldbe,ijustwantout.Orhesometimeswouldsaysomethinglikewedon’thavethesameinterestsoryouarenotsupportiveofmyrockclimbing.Iadmititwasn’tmyfavoritething.Wegotdivorcedandquickly(fourmonthslater)hehadanotherseriousrelationshipwithasinglemom.WhenhetalksaboutheritislikeheistalkingaboutaGoddessandhedoesn’tunderstandwhyIamstillgrievingthedivorce.Justgetoveritandmoveonhetellsme.Ihavemovedon,hecontinues.Healsohastoldmethathewassorelievedwhenwegotdivorced.Iamsurehedidnotshedasingletearduringthedivorceprocess.Hisnewgirlfriendlivesfivehoursaway.Theymetatworkwhilewewerestillmarried.(wemovedtoadifferentcityrightbeforethedivorce).Heclaimstherewasnoaffairthen.Andnowclaimsourdivorcewasdotopoorcommunication.Iwillfreelyadmitwhenwetalkedaboutseriousmattersduringourmarriage,Ifeltlikenothingwaseverdelvedinto.Hewouldnevergivemespecificinformationandhisresponseswereoftenshortoropaque.Couldhehavedismissivepersonalitydisorder?FromwhatIhavereadIfeelhealsocouldbeacovertnarcissist.SinceIamnowdivorcedandmoneyistight,IguessIamlookingforsomefreeorinexpensiveresources.Anyadvicewouldbeappreciated. Loading... Ican’tlabelyourhusbandfromadistance,butIcansayhisbehaviorisconsistentwithbeingdismissive-avoidant(which,BTW,isnotthesameas“avoidantpersonalitydisorder,”whichreferstopeoplewhoaredysfunctionalbecausetheyareoverlywihdrawnandanxiouswithpeople.Dismissiveavoidantsdon’thaveadisorder,they’rejustassholes.(kidding!)Butreallytheyaretobepitied,becausetheyfailtofeeltheattractionoftrueintimacy.Amanwhowouldneglecthiswifeandchildforaseriousrockclimbinghabitisnotsomeonewhotrulywantsafamilyatall. Describinghisex-gfasawfulandlionizingthenewonefarawayistypical.Meanwhile,heistellingothersthatyouwerenagging,resentful,unsupportive,etc.Thedisinterestandinabilitytotalkaboutseriousissuesandemotionsisalsotypical.Youhaveagoodchancetofindamuchmoresupportivepartner,andIhopeyouandyourdaughtercanforgivethathewasnotagreatpartner—I’msurehehadnoideaatthestartthathewouldn’tbegoodatit. Loading... Idon’tknowwhethertocry,runorjustpickmyjawoffthefloor.IamnotapsychologistbutthisarticlejustdescribedmyspousesodeadonIaminutterawe.IhaveseriouslythoughtIwaslosingmymind.Wehaveseveralyoungchildrenandnointimacyatall.TypicalcounselingIfeelsheisveryintelligentandplaysthegameandtheyhaven’tpickeduponthis.TheydidpickupthatthewayallformerrelationshipsendedthatIwouldhavebeenherfirst“serious”one.Ihavetriedendlesslytoexpressthefeelingofneverbeingapriority,thelackofintimacy,theconstantimpressionthatifafteralmost20yearsifIlefttomorrowitwouldbefine.IsthereeverhopebecauseIhaveonefootoutthedoor. Iknowtheparentsdidn’tshowanyphysicalloveaschildrenbecauseIhaveasked.Sheisalwaysvaguetoallchildhoodquestions.WhenIbroughtmychildrenovertokissgrandmaandgrandpagoodnightyoucouldseethegrandparentspullawayandtheirdiscomfortinphysicalaffection. Loading... Oneofthetypicaldifferenceswithafemaledismissiveisabetterabilitytohideit—men’sstereotypicaltendenciestominimizeemotionand“goitalone”aresocietallymoreacceptable,whereasadismissivewomantendstobeunderpressuretohideherlackofinterestincloseness.Soit’snosurprisethatintalktherapy,sheisabletoplay-actaconcernedpartner—she’shadpractice. Istherehope?Sheisunlikelytoseeaneedtochangetobemorethereforyou.Soyouhavetodecidewhetherkeepingthingsstableforyourchildrenisthehighestpriority;andifitis,acceptthatyouhavetofindawaytobehappywhilelackingthewarmthofasupportivepartner.Childrengrowup,andit’snotalifesentencetokeepthefamilytogetheruntiltheyhave.Theopposingargumentisthatyourchildrenarelearningtomodeltheirownfeelingsonyourrelationship,soifit’scoldorevenworsecombative,youdothemnofavorsbypretendingit’sokay. Youarerighttofeelslightedanddevaluedinyourownhome,butthereisabigdownsideinbreakingupafamily.Demandingsharedcustodyifitcomestodivorceisimportant;alternatively,findawaytobealittlehappieryourselfifyoudecidetostickitout. Loading... It’slikeyouknowme…Seriouslydescribedmetothetee. Loading... Pingback:[INTJ]TheFiThread.(Exposeyourgooeyinsideshere)-Page224 Ijustgotoutofa3-yearrelationshipwithanavoidantandI’manxious.He’sofftravelingtheworldand3monthsoutalreadytoldmehehadafling.Hesaid‘whatyoudon’tseemtoquitegraspevennowisthatmygoalisnottobeinarelationship,it’stodowhatIwant.’Butthenacoupleemailslatersays‘Iloveyouandyoumeansomuchtome.Ihopewecanstillbeineachother’slives.’Whydoesheconstantlyemailmeandsayhelovesmeifhe’ssohappybeingalone?AmIboostinghisegotoknowhisexandhearestillfriends?IfeelalittlebrokenandlikeI’mpiecingmylifebacktogetherafter3yearsofinvestinginapainfulrelationshipwhereifIpushedtoohardtoworkthroughconflicthe’dtellme‘FU’orcallmeaselfishb***.Hesaysthathealwaysmadeitclearheneverwantedcommitmentyethe’dintroducemetohisfamilyandonceaskedmewhichstyleofengagementringIlikedthenwefoughtandheleftmeonthesideoftheroadallinthesameday.He’smakingitoutlikeitwasmyfaultfornotheedingthewarningshegaveofnotwantingarelationship.HistellingmeabouttheflingfeltlikeaknifeinmygutandItoldhimnevertoemailmeagain.ThatIwantednothingtodowithhim. Ifeelbrokenandsad.Toinvestthatmuchinarelationship.Ilovedhimsomuchandwantedtobuildalifewithhimandcreatethissecureunittofacetheworldtogether.AndnowIhavetoletthatgo.I’m35andafraidnoonewillwantme. Loading... 35isyoung—trustme.Lotsofqualitypartnermaterialinthedatingpool,andwithwhatyouknownow,you’llbeabletoweedoutguyslikethismorequickly. This“push-pull”behaviorisnotunusual.Hemayhavesomefeelingsforyou,butusuallywantstoestablishthathedoesn’tneedyouatall.Butdoingsomethinglovingfromtimetotimekeepsyouorbitinghim—hewantstofeelhecontrolshowcloseyouare.Itdoesn’tmakesense,butthat’sonereasonwhydismissivesmaketrriblepartnersformostofus. Gladyouassertedyourself.Youdeservebetterandyouwillfindsomeonebetter. Loading... Okay,thankyou.I’musingbookslikeyoursand‘Attached’totrytodetectthesignsofanavoidant,yetlikeyousaid,sometimesittakesalittlewhileofdatingtoseeitcomeout.Datinganavoidantisoneofthemostpainfulexperiencesbecauseyougetglimpsesofsuchclosenessandintimacyonlytohaveitdisappear.I’mafraidI’llfindanotheravoidantsoI’mgoingthroughcounselingtotryanddevelopmoreofasecurestyle.I’vefeltthatsecurescantellifsomeoneisanxiousanditmakesthemavoiddatingthemorenditsooner.I’vefoundIruleoutsecuresbecauseIfeeltheywon’twanttobewithmewhichissomethingIamworkingon.Thankyouforthisblogandthebooksyouwrite. Loading... HiJeb Thankssomuchforthearticle,readingitfinallyallowedmetoseewhat’sbeengoingonwithmylifeandmybehavioursincehighschool(I’mnow42!).I’verunawayfromsomanyrelationshipsinmylifethatseemedtobegoingwellonlyformetoeitherfindsomeinsignificantfaultthatImanagedtoblowupinmymind,ortofindmyselffeelingambivalentoutoftheblueordecidingsomeonedoesn’tmeasureuptoaformerpartnerwhobrokeupwithmeandIhadsinceidealisedandbeyondthatspendingyearsbeing(orthinking)Iwasstill‘inlove’withex-partnersandsometimesbeinginonandoffagainrelationshipswiththemthatwereprettymessy. IguessthedifferenceIhavewithsomeotherdismissive-avoidanttypesisthatIdon’tfeellikethisisnaturalforme.Idon’tlikebeingclosedoffandI’dliketochangeandstartahealthyrelationshipwhereIcanbemoreopen,lovingandcaring.Isthereanyhope?Doyouknowofanythingdismissive-avoidantscando/readtochangeiftheyfeellikeIdo? Thanksagain! Loading... You’rebeginningtochangejustbybeingmoreawareofhowyourpastrelationshipsendedbadly,knowingthatthere’sapatternofemotionaldismissivenessyoufallintothatyoucanworkagainst.It’snotoriouslyresistanttochangemostlybecausethedismissivedon’ttendtowanttochange,butifyoudo,youcan.Explainingyourreactionstopartnersisawayofgettingtheirhelptoovercomeit,andwhiletalktherapyisexpensiveandtakesalongtime,itcanalsobehelpfulifyoucanfindsomeonewhounderstandstheissues. Loading... Pingback:Theartofgrievingwell|relentlessdawn Thisarticleandallthecommentsbelowhavebeenextremelyenlighteningandhavereassuredmyyear-longsuspicionsthatI’mcompletelyblamelessforwhataparticularindividualinmylifehasbeenputtingmethrough.IknowsomeonewhofitstheAvoidant/Dismissivetypealmosttoperfection...minusthepersonalcriticism/blamegame,becausehesimplywouldntdare.ButstillI’vespentayearwonderingwhyI’matthebottomofhisprioritylist:nowIguessIknowandthatwillgivemethestrengthtowalkaway.IbelieveI’manAnxiousPreoccupiedtypeandhebringsouttheveryworseofme,onlyIdontshowitbecausehelaughsandmakesmefeellikeachildhavingatantrum.Hesmilesandcharmshiswayoutofeveryrow.Thispersonhasafamily,andsaysthathisexfrozehimoutanddedicatedallhertimetotheirkids.Iknowvirtuallynothingabouthisparentsexceptthatbothhaddemandingjobs.MyquestioniscananAvoidant/DismissivebepushedintobecominganAnxiousAttachmentTypebutinflictsthewayhewastreatedonlaterrelationshipshehaswithothers?Wouldloveyourinsightonthis.Thanksinadvance. Loading... I’m40yearsold,BlackandhaveHSV1.Dating(becauseofthesefactors),forme,isnearlyimpossible.Igetlittletonointerestfromanyone(otherthanfirstdate–pushforsex–nevercontactagain).MaybeI’maskedoutonceeverythreeorfourmonths. Imetamanat31yearsold.Wehavebeenoffandonforyears,mainlybecauseIleaveaftercyclicaldistancingfromhimleadingtoraging/anger/cryingfromme.Itwasn’tuntilIwas38didIreadthebook“Attached”andunderstoodaboutDismissive-AvoidantandAnxiousattachment.Isenthimlinkstothebookandarticles,toldhimIcan’tcontributetotherollercoasteranymore,askedhimtogonocontactandwalkedaway.Except…everyyear,likeclockwork,Ireachouttohim.Healwaysanswers.Healwayswantsmebackin. We’vetalkedextensivelyaboutourbehaviortowardoneanotherinthepast,whichwasmainlyeachofhittingeachother’striggers.And,asIreadeveryoneelse’scommentsIseesomanystoriesofpeopletreatingpeoplewrongorbadly.Myproblemisthismannevertreatedmebadlyorwrong.We’vehadouremotionaldiscussions(mainlyme,theemotionalone,beingtheanxiouspartner),butwe’rebestfriends.Ilovehimdearly.Ittookyears,butoneeveninghesaidhelovesme.We’retwopeasinapodandthoroughlyenjoyoneanother’scompanyandtalk,forhoursuntilearlymorning,whentogether.Hecuddlesmeinbed.HehelpsmewhenIneed.Exceptforonearguementthatgotoutofhand,we’vebeengoodtooneanotherexceptfortheinstanceshisavoidantpersonalitydistancesandmyanxiouspersonalityresponds. But,hesaidhemadeachoicelongagonevertohaveawife.But,whenIaskifhe’dfatherachildwithme,hedoesn’tmissabeatwhenheanswers“yes.”But,eachtimewereconnect,ittakeshimnearlyamonthtocommunicate.It’saconstantyo-yo.Andinthenearly10yearsI’veattemptedtomeetsomeoneordateoutsideofhim,nooneevencomesclosetowhoheisasapersontomeorthegreatcommunicationandconversationswehave(despiteourAnxious-Avoidantpatterns).He’sagoodman…brokenfromearlyfamilialdiscordthatledtohisavoidantnature(witheveryoneinhislife,notjustthewomenhegetsinvolvedwithwhich,Ishouldmentionoutsideofmetherereallyaren’tany).Hedoesn’tsleeparound.Hedoesn’tdate.Hejustopenshimselftoandforme.And,evenmoredifficult,Ihim. Itrytoandlookatitsubjectivelyandhonestly.IknowIhavemyanxiouspreoccupationwithhimandIdomybesttofocusonme,gonocontactandnotreactinaharshwaywhenhedistancesoruseshisregularlyuseddistancingstrategies.Theydo,ofcourse,irritate,angerandhurtme.But,Ialsoadoreandrespecthimgreatly.He’smybestfriend.He’smybestlover.And,withthedismalresultsonlinedatingbringsIswingfromeitherabjectlonelinessormissing/lovinghimyearafteryearafteryear. Mytwochoicesarekeepsearchingfor,quitepossibly,yearswithonlinedatingandgoingonfourorsodatesayearthat,lessthanlikely,donotmovetoaseconddate(quitepossiblywithAvoidantssincethedatingsceneisfullofAvoidantsinthe40-pluszone)orcontinueourtalksaboutattachmentandaskmyguyifIbegintherapyifhe’droutinelybeopentojoiningmemetotryandworkonhealthierattachmentsystems,cometocompromises,learntorespecthisneedforautonomyandteachhimtorespectmyneedforgreaterintimacyandseeifwecanmakeitworkbetterforafuturetogether.Somuchadviceonthesesortsofrelationshipssayleave,getoutand/oravoidrelationshipswithAvoidants.I’vetried,manytimes,butmyheartalwaysbringsmebacktohim. I’devengiveupmarriageforhim.It’sjustapaper.HimbymysideandhimopentohavingchildrenwithmeI’dcertainlybealrightwiththatsortofcommitmentfromthebothofus,Idon’tthinkI’dneedthenuptialsorcertificatetocementmyrelationshipwithhim.But,IalsohavetowonderifI’dregretthatdecisionandbeupsetwithhimdownthelineifImadethatchoice… I”mlosteverydaytryingtodeterminewhatIshoulddo.Ifhewasamanwho’dtreatedmeunkindlyorIdidn’tfeelcaredforandlovedme,I’dwalkawayeasilyasIhavewithothers.Ihaveexhibitedsecureattachmentinthepast.Withhim,he’ssoextremelyavoidantitbringsoutmyextremeanxiouspatternsandit’shardtohandle.But,Ialsolove,enjoyanddeeplylikehimmorethanI’velovedanymanI’veevermet.Howdoyouletthatgotonodatingandquitepossiblynochanceoffindinganotherpartnerever? EverydayI’moverwhelmedandpainedatthisdecision.Ineedatherapisttohelpme,but,fornowIusebookslike“Attached”andyourbooksandwebsitestohelpguideme. Loading... Veryinterestingarticle.Mypartnerofnineyearsfitsthisdescription.Hehasaverytraumaticpastfilledwithabandonment,war-timesurvivalfears,andloss.Hislifesurpassesfictioninmanyinstances. WehaveadaughtertogetherandheisagreatDad,evenaftereverythinghewentthrough.Heisagreatemployee,too,workinginthehelpingfield.Heoftenfallsshortinhisrelationshipwithmethough.Heiseasilyhurtandwillgivemevariousformsofsilenttreatment,sometimesfordays.Ioftendonotfeelsupportedemotionallyashiscapacityforempathyissomewhatdifficulttoaccess.Iamaveryemotionalperson:itiswhatattractedhimtomeandwhatnowsendshimintohiding.Hecantellmethathedoesn’tneedanyoneinlife,thathecansurviveanything…Heissuperficiallycharmingwithothersaroundhim,butasidefromhischildren(heastwoolderkidsaswell)andmyself,heletsnoonein. MymainpreoccupationlatelyisthatheseemstorespondverynegativelywhenIaskforhelp.Hewilloftenmakecommentsabouthowhedoesn’taskmeforhelp,hewilltakecareofwhatneedstobedone.Heisespeciallyreactivewhenitisbecausethereissomethingwrongwithme(e.g.,IamnotfeelingwellwhenIaskforhelp).HeisnotalazymannorisheagainsthelpingmewhenhevolunteersorifitissomethingthatthejudgesthatIcan’tdo.Itisparticulartohisreadingmeasneedyornotself-sufficient.Iunderstandthathevaluesself-sufficiencyinhimselfbuttohavesuchastrongreactioninsomeoneelseaskingforhelpconfusesme…Canyoushareyourtakeonthis?Thankyou. Loading... That’sthereflexofthedismissive—acallforsupportisresentedandresultsinbothhimfeelingthreatenedandwantingtogetfurtherawayfromhispartner.Sinceheisgoodforyouinmanywaysandconscientiouswhenthisreflexisn’ttriggered,I’ddotwothings:tellhimwhatyouhaveobservedandthatyouunderstandit’sadefensemechanismhedevelopedtodealwithhisdifficultearlyexperiences.Thendoyourbesttonotletitbotheryou—andwhenyoudoneedhishelp,trytolethimseeitforhimselfanddecidetocometoyouraid.Whichyou’veseenhewill.Itwillnevermakesensetoyou,butjustimaginetheresentful/hurtchildinhimwantingtoavoidgetting“suckedin”tosituationsbeyondhisabilitytofeelsympathy. Also,theforumisagoodresource—Iprefertoanswerquestionsovertherebecausethispageisgettingtoolong.Seehttp://jebkinnison.boards.net. Loading... Pingback:AttachmentStyleandsaying“ILikeYou”–Type•volution Pingback:Tilknytningsstiliparforhold|Løvetannbarnetogorkidéen Pingback:Whytheywon’tenduptogether–thetheoryofattachment–CristinaBujoreanu'sBlog Commentsareclosed. 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