Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment: Signs, Causes + How To Heal

The dismissive-avoidant attachment style is easy to spot, marked by someone who tends to avoid intimacy and prefer independence. Skiptocontent # mindbodygreen CloseAd Navigation MainNavigation WhatIsTheDismissive-AvoidantAttachmentStyle?8Signs&HowToOvercomeIt HealthCoaching Classes Shop Login Profile SavedArticles Orders&Tracking Classes ContactSupport LogOut Yourcartisempty. Ouronlineclassesandtrainingprogramsallowyoutolearnfromexpertsfromanywhereintheworld. ExploreClasses mbgShop 0 VIEWSHOPCART mbgCalm 0 VIEWCALMCART mbgClasses 0 VIEWCLASSCART SubcategoryNavigation mindfulness health food movement beauty home socialgood parenting more astrology planet relationships lifestyle Love WhatIsTheDismissive-AvoidantAttachmentStyle?8Signs&HowToOvercomeIt | ExpertReviewed WhatIsTheDismissive-AvoidantAttachmentStyle?8Signs&HowToOvercomeIt WhatIsTheDismissive-AvoidantAttachmentStyle?8Signs&HowToOvercomeIt RelationshipCoach ByJulieNguyen RelationshipCoach JulieNguyenisarelationshipcoach,Enneagrameducator,andformermatchmakerbasedinNewYork.ShehasadegreeinCommunicationandPublicRelationsfromPurdueUniversity. Expertreviewby ChaminAjjan,LCSW,A-CBT,CST ASSECT-certifiedsextherapist ChaminAjjan,LCSW,A-CBT,CST,isalicensedclinicalsocialworker,psychotherapist,andAASECT-certifiedsextherapistbasedinBrooklyn,NY. WhatIsTheDismissive-AvoidantAttachmentStyle?8Signs&HowToOvercomeIt WhatIsTheDismissive-AvoidantAttachmentStyle?8Signs&HowToOvercomeIt WhatIsTheDismissive-AvoidantAttachmentStyle?8Signs&HowToOvercomeIt WhatIsTheDismissive-AvoidantAttachmentStyle?8Signs&HowToOvercomeIt WhatIsTheDismissive-AvoidantAttachmentStyle?8Signs&HowToOvercomeIt WhatIsTheDismissive-AvoidantAttachmentStyle?8Signs&HowToOvercomeIt WhatIsTheDismissive-AvoidantAttachmentStyle?8Signs&HowToOvercomeIt Imageby DanielKimPhotography /Stocksy WhatIsTheDismissive-AvoidantAttachmentStyle?8Signs&HowToOvercomeIt Oureditorshaveindependentlychosentheproductslistedonthispage.Ifyoupurchasesomethingmentionedinthisarticle,wemayearnasmallcommission. July11,2022 Shareon: Shareon: WhatIsTheDismissive-AvoidantAttachmentStyle?8Signs&HowToOvercomeIt WhatIsTheDismissive-AvoidantAttachmentStyle?8Signs&HowToOvercomeIt WhatIsTheDismissive-AvoidantAttachmentStyle?8Signs&HowToOvercomeIt WhatIsTheDismissive-AvoidantAttachmentStyle?8Signs&HowToOvercomeIt WhatIsTheDismissive-AvoidantAttachmentStyle?8Signs&HowToOvercomeIt Haveyoueverwonderedwhyyourepeatcertainpatternsinyourrelationships?Accordingtowhat'sknownasattachmenttheory,itmayjustcomedowntoyourearliestchildhoodexperiences.Theattachmenttheorypostulatestherelationshipwithyourcaregivercanmapouthowyouformandcreateemotionalbondswithpeoplelateron. Basedontheseformativeconnections,youcanfallintofourmainattachmentstyles:secure,anxious,fearfulavoidant,anddismissiveavoidant. Thedismissive-avoidantattachmentstyleiseasytospot,markedbysomeonewhotendstoavoidintimacyandprefersindependence. InThisArticle 1 Attachmenttheory 2 Whatisdismissiveavoidantattachment? 3 Causes 4 Signs 5 Datingadismissiveavoidant 6 Howtoovercometheissues Attachmenttheory.  Inthe1950s,BritishpsychologistJohnBowlbyintroducedtheseminalattachmentconceptandproposedthatchildrenarebornwithaninnatebiologicaldrivetoformattachmentswithothersinordertosurviveandthrive.Twodecadeslater,psychologistMaryAinsworthexpandedtheattachmenttheorywithher"strangesituation"study.Sheobservedthedifferentlevelsofattunementinhowcaregiverswereabletorespondtotheirchild'semotionalcues,andfromthedifferences,sheoutlinedtheattachmentstylecontinuumweknowtoday:fromsecureattachmentstyletotheinsecureattachmentstyles,whichincludeanxious,dismissiveavoidant,andfearfulavoidant. Whereyoufallonthespectrumdependsonyourenvironmentandhowyourneedsweremet: Secureattachmentiswhensomeonegrewupwiththeircaregiversactingasasecurebase.Theyhaveaninternalsenseofsecuritythatallowsthemtoeasilyformtrustingandlovingrelationshipswithothers. Anxiousattachmentiswhensomeonegrewupwithinconsistentcaregiving,whichcontributestohighlevelsofanxietyandafearofabandonment.They'relikelytodisplay"clingy"behaviorandstriveforrelationalclosenesstothepointofmerging. Dismissive-avoidantattachmentiswhensomeonegrewupsuppressingtheirnaturalinstincttoseekouttheircaregiversforcomfort.Theytendtomoveawayfromrelationshipsandfeelsuffocatedasvulnerabilityincreases. Fearful-avoidantattachmentiswhenpeopleexperienceablendoftheanxiousandavoidantattachmentbehaviorsbasedonconfusingandtumultuousexperienceswiththeircaregiver(s).Theysimultaneouslyalternatebetweendesiringandavoidingrelationships.Somestudiessuggesttraumaisakeyfactorindevelopingthisrarerandunder-researchedattachmenttype. Advertisement Thisadisdisplayedusingthirdpartycontentandwedonotcontrolitsaccessibilityfeatures. Whatisadismissive-avoidantattachmentstyle?  Thedismissive-avoidantattachmentstyle,oftencalledavoidantattachmentforshort,isanattachmentstyleinvolvingahighlevelofavoidanceinintimacyandalowlevelofanxiousnessaboutabandonment.Whenintimacyincreases,theyexpressavoidantpatternsandengageindistancingtacticsoutofdiscomfort. "Peoplewiththisattachmentstylehavenoproblembeingsingle,"explainslicensedprofessionalcounselorRachelSims,LPC."Theyusuallydatemanypeoplebutloseinterestassoonasasexualpartnertriestoconnectwiththemonadeeperemotionallevel."PsychologistNadineMacalusotellsmbgthisbehaviorlikelyoriginatedinresponsetochildhoodexperiences,manifestingahyper-independentadultwhodismissesanddevaluesconnection.Thedevaluationismotivatedbytheneedtoavoiddependencyonintimacy.Assuch,individualswithadismissive-avoidantattachmentstyletendtodenyfeelingsandtaketheirsovereigntytoanextreme.Theydon'trelyonothersanddon'twantotherstorelyonthem,theykeeptheirinnermostthoughtstothemselves,andtheyfinditdifficulttoaskforhelp. They'realsosensitivetofeelingcontrolled,Simsadds,andtheyhaveacorefearofbeinghurtthatmakesitdifficulttobondandopenup.Thismakesittrickyforthemtodatesinceforthem,theprocessofknowingandtrustingpotentialpartnersismarkedbypain,confusion,anddistress.  Howthedismissive-avoidantattachmentstyledevelops. "Avoidantchildrenareraisedbydismissiveparentswhoregularlyminimizetheimportanceofexpressingneedsforphysicalandemotionalconnection.Thesechildrenlearntoturnofftheirdesiretosatisfysuchneeds.Yetchildren'sneedsforcomfortandconnectioninthefaceofthreatorpaincannotbeextinguished—onlydefendedagainst,"Macalusoexplains.Becausethechildcannotrelyontheirparentstocarefororsoothethem,theycopebyburyingtheiremotionalneedsandinsteadredirecttheirfocusonrulesandtaskstoavoidtheearlypainofnotconnectingwiththeirparents. Theylearnedthatiftheyneedsomething,theymustobtainitforthemselves.Overtime,Macalusocontinues,theylearnnottodependonothers,whichmakesitdifficulttocultivatelastingromanticrelationships."Theforcedindependencedevelopsasaneedtoavoidfeelingrejectionandneglect.Theybecomeover-attunedtothemselvesandunder-attunedtoothersinordertoneedthemless,"shesays.  Commonsignsofdismissive-avoidantattachment: 1. Ahistoryofshortflings.  Casualrelationshipsarelowstakesandallowthedismissive-avoidanttypetofeelsomeintimacywithoutitbeingoverwhelming.Theypreferconnectionswithlittleobligationsintheirromanticlife.Butassoonasaconnectiondeepensviapersonalquestionsandemotionaldemands,thedismissive-avoidantpersontendstopeelbackandslowdownmomentumwithworkandhobbies."Avoidantadultstypicallyprefertheirsocialconnectionstoremainsurface-levelonly.Ifsomeonestartstopushthemonthis,theyclosethemselvesoffandretreatprettyquickly,"Simssays.  2. Affectionblowshotandcold. Therelationshipmaystartoffnormally.Yetassoonastherelationshipblossoms,thedismissiveavoidantstartstobackoff—whichcanmaketheirpartnerquestionthebondandfeelneglected.Whenthedismissive-avoidantpartnerfeelsemotionallyregulatedagain,theyreachouttoreestablishconnection,onlytorepeattheinconsistentpatternbecausetheyneversolvedtheirunderlyingvulnerabilities.  3. Nitpickingtherelationship.  Ifsomeoneisabletogetclosetothem,Simsnotesdismissiveavoidantsmighttrytosubconsciouslysabotagetherelationshipbypickinguponsmallthingssuchastheirpartner'sbehaviors,habits,orappearance."Peoplewith[dismissive]avoidantattachmentdon'tsimplybreakupwithotherpeoplefornoreason.Butwhentheirattachmentstyleistriggered,theymightfeeltheneedtoescape." 4. Lowtoleranceforconflict. Becausetheydon'tfearabandonment(andexpectitinmanycases),assoonastherelationshipgetschallenging,dismissiveavoidantslookfortheexit.Thepartnermayfeelheartbrokenbytheircoldresponse,buttheirdistanceisn'tintentionallymalicious—thedismissive-avoidantpersonisrespondingtotheterrorofpotentialrejection,sotheyprematurelycloseoff. 5. Strongsenseofself. Simsnotesthatthedismissive-avoidantattachmentstylealsotendstocomewithalotofself-reliance,confidence,andasenseoftogetherness.Duetotheiroverrelianceinthemselves,dismissiveavoidantsoftenhaveanindividualistic,accomplishedpersonalitywithmanyprioritiesthattakeuptheirtimeandattention.Theyknowwhotheyare,thethingstheylike,andhavespecificgoalsinlife.Theytendtobelow-maintenancecolleagues,friends,andromanticpartnerssincetheyprefertakingcareofthemselvesandtheirtroublesontheirown.Theonlythingmissingistheabilitytoformdeepandauthenticemotionaltieswithothers.  6. Viewsvulnerabilityasaweakness. Becausethey'reinherentlyuncomfortablewithvulnerability,someonewithadismissive-avoidantattachmentstylemayjudgeotherpeoplewhoareoverlydemonstrativeoftheiraffectionandemotions."Theirlowopinionofpeoplecreatesageneraldistrustofothers,"Macalusosays."Theyareoftenlabeledasnarcissistsbecausetheythinktoowellofthemselvesandtoopoorlyofothers."  7. Suppressionofemotionalexperiences.  Simsnotesdismissive-avoidantpeopletendtolackawarenessoftheirinnerworld,emotions,needs,andfears.Althoughtheyhaveastrongsenseofself,theymainlyprojectafalseselftotheworld."Theydon'tallowotherstobethereforthemandshowthattheycareforandlovethem,"Simssays.Wheneversomeonemovestoclosethedistance,thedismissiveavoidantstrivestoincreasethedistance.  8. Minimizesromanticconnections.  Thedismissiveavoidantmaysecretlywantarelationshipbutactivelyresistmakinglovehappenbecausetheydon'tknowhowtotrustothers.Insteadofbeingopentothepossibilityofconnection,they'relikelytoenforcestrongboundariesthatpreventprospectivepartnersfromenteringtheirlifeinameaningfulmanner.  Datingsomeonewithadismissive-avoidantattachment. Ifyourecognizethesesignsinyourpartner,knowthere'shope.Thegoodnewsisattachmentstylescanchangethroughgenerousandpresentlove—withtheselfandinrelationshipwithothers.Throughconsciouseffortandpractice,anyonecanadjusttheirattachmentstyleandmovetowardsecurity. Here'swhattoknowifyou'redatingsomeonewithadismissive-avoidantattachment:  1. Encouragethemtoseekhelpwithatherapist. Thejourneywiththeselfstartswiththeorigin.Astheirpartner,youcansupportthemontheirjourney,buthealingtheirattachmentstyleisaninternalprocess.Tofosterinterdependenceintherelationship,thedismissiveavoidantmaybenefitfromseeingatherapistontheirowntounderstandtheirpastpatternsandhowitshowsupthroughoutalloftheirpastrelationships.Thishelpsthemconnecttootherssafelyandimprovestheirsecureattachment.  2. Faceconflictwithgrace. Whentheirattachmentstyleisactivated,they'llwanttorunaway.Instead,encouragethemtostayanddiscussitwithyousotheydon'tdenytheirfeelings.Youcanhelpbycreatingaspacewheretheycansharetheiremotionswithoutfearofrejectionorhumiliation.Macalusosaystoexpectaperiodofopennessandtheexperienceofreliefbeforeyourpartnerquicklywithdrawsoncemore.Duringthis,shenotestheimportanceofgivingthemtimeandspacetoprocesstheirconflictingemotionsandtoremainavailableasthesecurebasetheycanreturntooncetheyarereadyformoreemotionalcontact.  3. Helpthemtowardpositivity. Althoughyoucanreassureapartnerwithadismissive-avoidantattachmentstyle,it'svitalforthemtodevelopaninternalsecurityaboutthemselvesandtheirpositivequalitiesinrelationships.Thiscanstartwiththemdevelopingacompassionateaffirmationpracticeaboutthemasaperson(notwhattheydo)andpracticingexposuretosituationsthatintensifytheconnectionasacouple."Learnpositiveaffirmationsandpracticerepeatingthemfrequently,"Simsadvisesforthedismissiveavoidant."Noticewhenyouarejudgingandcriticizingothers,andbringanattitudeofacceptanceinstead—weareallflawedinsomeway."  4. Knowit'snotaboutyou.  "Understandinghowyourpartneriswiredandrespondingtothemlovinglyinawaythatunderstandstheirattachmentpatterncanhelpthemheal,"Macalusosays.Itletsyourealizethatifyouchaseyourpartner,theywilloutrunyou,soit'sbettertoexercisepatienceandnotmakethemfeelguiltyorashamedoftheirfeelings—whichwillonlyreinforcetheirdismissive-avoidantattachmentinjury.  Toresolvetheissues. Healingattachmentinjuryishardbutnotimpossible.Ifyourgoalistohavearealconnectionwithsomeone,youhavetoletthemin."Sinceattachmentwoundinghappensinarelationship,healingcanalsooccurinarelationshipwithyourpartner,"Macalusosays. Thiscanlookliketakingcalculatedriskswithyourpartnerbysharingyourneedsandallowingvulnerabilityinsmallyetconsistentincrements."Sayyestosituationsyoumightbeinclinedtoavoid,suchasgoingoutasacoupleorsocializingwithothers,"Simssays.Othercompromisescanlooklikethedismissiveavoidantidentifyingthemselvesaspartofacouplebyusing"we"insteadof"I"or"you." Beingabletoopenlycommunicatewithyourpartnerwillbeanessentialpracticetoreformhowyoutrustothersinrelationships."Practiceempathywhenconfrontedbyyourpartnerbytryingontheirperspective[and]expandyourawarenessbeyondyourselfandyourthoughtsbyidentifyingsmallthingsyourpartnerdoesforyou,"shesuggests.Amindfulnesspractice—theskillofbeingpresentwithyourselfandthepresentmoment—willalsohelpyoufeelyouremotionsastheycomeupandthepotentialexcitementyouhaveaboutconnectingwithapartner.MacalusorecommendsallowingyourselftoexperiencethosefeelingsandbeingOKwiththelongingofwantinglove.  Thetakeaway. Thetruebasisofyourattachmentstyleisreallymarkedbythequalityofhowyoubehaveandinteractinyourmostintimaterelationships.Whileyourchildhoodmayhaveinfluencedyourattachmentstyle,youstillhaveasayinhowitdevelopsmovingforward.Thebeautyofdoinginnerworkisthatyoucanarmyourselfwiththetoolsandresourcestocopewithyourdismissive-avoidantattachmentstyle.Youcanhealyourattachmentissuesbylettingpeopleinandbuildinghealthierhabitsthroughsustainedandconsistentpractice. ResetYourGut SignupforourFREEdoctor-approvedguthealthguidefeaturingshoppinglists,recipes,andtips SIGNUP Youarenowsubscribed Beonthelookoutforawelcomeemailinyourinbox! JulieNguyen RelationshipCoach JulieNguyenisawriter,certifiedrelationshipcoach,Enneagrameducator,andformermatchmakerbasedinBrooklyn,NewYork.ShehasadegreeinCommunicationandPublicRelations... 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