What's Special About the Father-Son Relationship?

Be a Role Model. You are a role model for your sons and your daughters. A daughter who grows up with a loving father knows that she deserves to be treated with ... Skiptocontent What’sSpecialAbouttheFather-SonRelationship? RobinS.Smith Follow Like June30,2021 8:11pm Let’sgettheoverall“DadStuff”outoftheway OkayDads,listenup.Let’sfirstdoareviewofbestpapapractices:10tipsforbeinganinvolved,responsibleandcommittedfather,everyday,whetheryouhavesonsordaughters(adaptedfromTheNationalFatherhoodInitiativewww.fatherhood.org) RespectYourChildren’sMother.Ifyou’remarried,thebestgiftyoucangiveyourchildrenisastrongrelationshipbetweenyouandyourspouse.Ifyou’renolongermarried,you’restillresponsibleforprovidingasecureenvironmentforyourkiddos.Whentheyseeyouandmomrespectingoneanother,theyaremorelikelytofeelthattheyarealsoacceptedandrespected.SpendTimeWithYourChildren.Theyarepayingattentiontowhatyouvalue.Ifyouspendtimewithyourchildren,theywillfeelvaluedbyyou.Ifyou’reunavailableandtrytomakeupforitwithgiftsorwordstheywillstillfeelneglected.GaryChapmanhasdonesomesolidresearchwithLoveLanguages,butIquiteagreewithChali2na,“Themostthatyoucanspendonanychildistime.” EarntheRighttobeHeard.Manydadsprovideattentiontotheirchildrenwhenthey’remisbehaving.NegativityBiasisthetendencytofocusonlyonthethingsthataregoingwrongorneedtobefixed.Catchthembeinggoodsothatyoudon’tsuccumbtothebias.Starttalkingtoyourkidsaboutdifficultsubjectswhiletheyarestillyoungsothattheconversationswillbeeasierwhentheygetolder.DisciplinewithLove.Fatherswhodisciplinetheirchildreninacalmandfairmannershowlovefortheirchildren.Limitsandboundariesequallove.Butlikeanythingelse,limitscanpathologizeandbecometoorigidorunreasonable.Kidsneedyourguidanceanddisciplinesothattheylearntheirwayinaworldfullofconsequencesandrewards.BeaRoleModel.Youarearolemodelforyoursonsandyourdaughters.Adaughterwhogrowsupwithalovingfatherknowsthatshedeservestobetreatedwithrespect,andknowswhattolookforinamate.Dadscanteachsonstheimportanceofhonesty,humility,andresponsibilitybyembodyingthesevalueseveryday.BeaTeacher.Involvedfathersuseeverydayexamplestohelptheirchildrenlearnbasiclessonsoflife.Teachingyourchildrenaboutrightandwrong,andencouragingthemtodotheirbestwillhelpshapeyourkidstomakegoodchoices.Generallyspeaking,mothersnurtureandfathersencourage.Teachyourkidshowtotakerisks,helpthemrealizetheirpotential,andconsarnitgetdownonthegroundandgetafterthatroughandtumbleplay–it’ssoimportant!EatTogetherasaFamily.Familymealsprovidestructuretoabusydayandcanallowyourkidstoconnectwithyouandotherfamilymembersinmeaningfulways(providedtechnologyisn’tgettingintheway).Familiesneedtohavetimetogethereveryday,andfamilymealscanbeanopportunityforfatherstolistenandgiveadvice.ReadtoYourChildren.Inaworldwherescreensreignsupreme,dadsreallyhavetomakeanextraefforttoreadtotheirkids.Readtoyourkids,it’snevertooearlytobegin.Ifyoudon’tlovetoread,findsomethingthatinterestsyouandyourchildren.Instillaloveofreadinginyourkidsandyouwillhelpstrengthentheircompetenciesintheworld.ShowAffection.Childrenneedtoknowtheyarewanted,accepted,andlovedbytheirfamily.Parents,especiallyfathers,needtofeelcomfortableandbewillingtohugtheirchildren.Mydad’sfatherdidn’tgetmuchphysicaltouchfromhisfather,andthushewasn’tquitesurehowtobeaffectionatewithmydad.Butsomehow,mydadcrackedthecodeandeventhoughitwasn’tmodelednaturallyforhim,hewasabletobewarmandaffectionatewithmybrotherandI.Atruegift,indeed.RealizethataFather’sJobisNeverDone.Evenafteryourkiddogrowsupandleavesthenest,ifyou’vedoneyourjobwell,theywillstilllooktoyouforwisdomandadvice.Fathersstillplayanessentialroleinthelivesoftheiradultchildrenastheybuildtheirownfamilies.Dadscreatealegacyforfuturegenerations.Okay,let’srecap.ShowLove.SpendTime.KeepCommitments.TakeResponsibility. Nowthen,WhatisitAboutFathersandSons? Assumingthefatherisinthepicture,thefatheristhemostproximalbeingtopsychologicallyshapetheson’sviewofhimself,ofothers,andoftheworld(howitwilltreathimandhowheshouldorshouldn’tbehaveintheworld).Whensonsarelittle,theylookuptoandadmiretheirdads.Theirdadistheproxyforwhatitmeanstobeaman.Alittleboy,onsomeveryprimal,basicandunconsciouslevel,knowsheisdestinedtogrowintoaman(99.4%ofthetime).Oncetheyoungboytransformsintoayoungman,thefather-sondyadneedstoshiftaccordingly.Whatdoesthismean?WhenJuniorwaslittleheimitatedhisdad.Hetookinterestinthingsthathisdadwasinterestedin.Thisiscompletelynaturalandexpected.Whenkidshitpuberty,theydifferentiatebetweentheirparentsandbegintoformtheirownidentities.Remainingclosetoyoursonmeansgivingupyourroleasinfluencerandassumingtheroleofbeinginfluenced–whichcanbedifficultforsomedadstoadjustto.Thisisparticularlytrueformenwhohavetheirowndaddyissues. StayingConnectedMeansStayingCurious Whenfather-sonrelationshipsarestrained,oftentimestherecanbeacomponentofdad’sunresolvedhurtfeelingsfromhisownchildhood.Fatherswithunresolvedemotionalissuestendtotakethingsverypersonally.Theyperceivetheirson’sbehaviorasifitisadirectreflectionofthemselvesasamanandasafather.Theantidotetothisproblematicwayofrelatingistoallowthesontocomeintotheirownidentity.Stayingconnectedmeansstayingcurious.AllowtherolestobereversedandletyoursonteachyouathingortwoabouthowtoeditsongsinGarageBand. RecallTip#9fromabove,yoursonwillfeelrespected,accepted,wanted,andlovedwhenyoushowinterest,showyoucare,showtheymatter,andshowyourownaffectionandvulnerability(sidenoteonvulnerability:it’snotyourson’sjobtotakecareofyouremotionalneeds).Showyourhumanity.Showyoursonthatmendon’thaveitallfiguredout.Yourteenagesonisinthemiddleofaconflict,hemustshedyouasanideal,andforgeapathandindividuatetofindhisownplaceintheworld.Hewantsyourapprovalandhealsowantstodefinehimselfonhisownterms. MenOftenHaveaDifficultTimeAskingforHelp Hanginthere.Dadsoutthere,justlikeyou,arehavingachallenginggoofit–youarenotalone.It’simportanttostaycompassionatetowardsyoursonandtowardsyourself.Whenthingsfeeltoodaunting,forfartoolong,itmaybetimetoreachoutforsomeassistance.Thereisnoshameinexploringfamilycounselingasanoption.You’dbetakingthelovingstepofaimingtoimproveyourrelationshipwithyourfamily.Ifyourattemptedsolutionstoperpetualproblemshavenotseemedtomakethechangesyou’relookingfor,reachouttoaprofessional.HoponPsychologyTodayandusetheirsearchcriteriatofilterbasedoninsurance,issues,zipcode,etc.….Ohandonemorething.Theimportanceofadultmalesshowingupinapositivewayfortheadolescentmalesinourcommunityisnotuniquetoourspecies.I’lljustleavethishere: https://www.bbcearth.com/news/teenage-elephants-need-a-father-figure RobinS.Smith RobinS.Smith,MS,LCMFTisaLicensedMarriageandFamilyTherapistinclinicalpracticeinBethesdaMD.AsanMFT,hespecializesinrelationshipissuesforcouples,families,andindividuals,forimprovedqualityoflife.Hisareasofexpertiseinclude:transitiontoparenthoodfornewandexpectingparents,infidelity,sexandintimacyissues,premaritalcounseling,andtrauma.Robinhasgiventalkstovariousgroupsincludinghospitaladministrators,graduatestudents,fellowpsychotherapists,andchildbirtheducators.HeistheprimarycontributortoTheCoupleandFamilyClinicBlog. AllPosts WhatIsTheRoleofMaleDesperationinMassShootings? May31,2022 NoComments I’mUncomfortablyNumbWhenIwassupervisingstudentsintheCoupleandFamilyTherapyprogramatTheUniversityofMarylandintheFallof2017, ReadMore» IntentionalChangeRequiresYourAwareness April30,2022 NoComments YoumayhaveheardaquotefromtheancientGreekphilosopher,Heroclitusthat,“Thereisnothingpermanentexceptchange.”Ormaybe,you’vecomeacross– ReadMore» PartIII:PhysiologicalBenefitsofWriting March28,2022 NoComments Intheprevioustwoblogpostsofthisseries,wediscussedthetherapeuticbenefitsofwritingforourmindsandwayswritingcansupportour ReadMore» TheMostImportantMistakeYou’reMakingWhenFightingWithYourFamilyMember February19,2022 NoComments Let’scutrighttothechase.Theanswer:Themostimportantmistakeyou’remakingwhenyoufightwithyourfamilymemberis… …beinglostin ReadMore» TheTherapeuticBenefitsofWriting:PartIIEmotional January30,2022 2Comments Previously,wedovedeepintothe cognitivebenefitsofwriting.Now,weshiftourfocuswithinthehumanbraintothespaceofemotion.Thereare ReadMore» YouAreNeverAlone.YouHaveaFamilyInsideofYou. December31,2021 NoComments Takinga16HourInternalFamilySystemsTrainingChangedEverythingI’vewrittenbeforeontheblogaboutRecognizingtheImportanceofSelf-Talk,butnothingcomes ReadMore» children,dad,dads,Family,father,fathers,feel,help,kids,Love,son,sons,world Facebook Twitter LinkedIn Pinterest LeaveaReplyCancelreplyCommentEnteryournameorusernametocomment Enteryouremailaddresstocomment EnteryourwebsiteURL(optional) Δ PrevPrevious“Donoharm”:HealingNegativeSelf-TalkwithAEIOU NextLocalProfessionalFeature:GenesisPsychiatricSolutions,Dr.IfeanyiOleleNext CategoriesCategories SelectCategory Families LGBTQ Parenting Politics Relationships Religion Science Weddings Wellness Archives Archives SelectMonth May2022 April2022 March2022 February2022 January2022 December2021 November2021 October2021 September2021 August2021 July2021 June2021 May2021 April2021 March2021 February2021 January2021 December2020 November2020 October2020 September2020 August2020 July2020 June2020 May2020 April2020 March2020 February2020 January2020 December2019 November2019 October2019 September2019 August2019 July2019 June2019 May2019 April2019 March2019 February2019 January2019 February2018 January2018 December2017 November2017 October2017 September2017 August2017 July2017 June2017 May2017 April2017 March2017 February2017 January2017 December2016 November2016 October2016 September2016 August2016 July2016 June2016 May2016 April2016 March2016 February2016 January2016 December2015 November2015 September2015 February2015 March2014 February2014 December2013 November2013 RobinS.Smith RobinS.Smith,MS,LCMFTisaLicensedMarriageandFamilyTherapistinclinicalpracticeinBethesdaMD.AsanMFT,hespecializesinrelationshipissuesforcouples,families,andindividuals,forimprovedqualityoflife.Hisareasofexpertiseinclude:transitiontoparenthoodfornewandexpectingparents,infidelity,sexandintimacyissues,premaritalcounseling,andtrauma.Robinhasgiventalkstovariousgroupsincludinghospitaladministrators,graduatestudents,fellowpsychotherapists,andchildbirtheducators.HeistheprimarycontributortoTheCoupleandFamilyClinicBlog. AllPosts» RecentPosts WhatIsTheRoleofMaleDesperationinMassShootings? ReadMore» RobinS.Smith May31,2022 6:11pm NoComments IntentionalChangeRequiresYourAwareness ReadMore» RobinS.Smith April30,2022 11:07am NoComments PartIII:PhysiologicalBenefitsofWriting ReadMore» MollyJScanlon March28,2022 7:21pm NoComments TheMostImportantMistakeYou’reMakingWhenFightingWithYourFamilyMember ReadMore» RobinS.Smith February19,2022 7:36am NoComments TheTherapeuticBenefitsofWriting:PartIIEmotional ReadMore» MollyJScanlon January30,2022 2:05pm 2Comments YouAreNeverAlone.YouHaveaFamilyInsideofYou. ReadMore» RobinS.Smith December31,2021 4:25pm NoComments