Avoidant Attachment: Understanding Insecure ... - Psychalive

Parents of children with an avoidant attachment tend to be emotionally unavailable or unresponsive to them a good deal of the time. They disregard or ignore ... AvoidantAttachment:UnderstandingInsecureAvoidantAttachment Anxiety,Attachment,SelfDevelopment ByJoyceCatlett,M.A. Thewaythatparentsinteractwiththeirinfantduringthefirstfewmonthsofitslifelargelydeterminesthetypeofattachmentitwillformwiththem.Therelationshipbetweentheprimarycaregiverandthebabycancreateasecure,anxious,disorganizedoravoidantattachmentstylethatwillformablueprintforrelationshipsthroughoutthebaby’slife.Whenparentsaresensitivelyattunedtotheirbaby,asecureattachmentislikelytodevelop.Beingsecurelyattachedtoaparentorprimarycaregiverbestowsnumerousbenefitsonchildrenthatusuallylastalifetime. Securelyattachedchildrenarebetterabletoregulatetheiremotions,feelmoreconfidentinexploringtheirenvironment,andtendtobemoreempathicandcaringthanthosewhoareinsecurelyattached. Incontrast,whenparentsarelargelymis-attuned,distant,orintrusive,theycausetheirchildrenconsiderabledistress.Childrenadapttothisrejectingenvironmentbybuildingdefensiveattachmentstrategiesinanattempttofeelsafe,tomodulateortonedownintenseemotionalstates,andtorelievefrustrationandpain.Theyformoneofthreetypesof insecure attachmentpatternstotheirparent,(anavoidant,ambivalent/anxious,ordisorganized/fearful). Inthisarticle,wedescribe avoidantattachmentpatterns, whichhavebeenidentifiedasrepresentingapproximately30%ofthegeneralpopulation. WhatisAvoidantAttachment?  Parentsofchildrenwithanavoidantattachmenttendtobeemotionallyunavailableorunresponsivetothemagooddealofthetime.Theydisregardorignoretheirchildren’sneeds,andcanbeespeciallyrejectingwhentheirchildishurtorsick.Theseparentsalsodiscouragecryingandencourageprematureindependenceintheirchildren. Inresponse,theavoidantattachedchildlearnsearlyinlifetosuppressthenaturaldesiretoseekoutaparentforcomfortwhenfrightened,distressed,orinpain.Attachmentresearcher JudeCassidy describeshowthesechildrencope:“Duringmanyfrustratingandpainfulinteractionswithrejectingattachmentfigures,theyhavelearnedthatacknowledginganddisplayingdistressleadstorejectionorpunishment.”By not cryingoroutwardlyexpressingtheirfeelings,theyareoftenabletopartiallygratifyatleastoneoftheirattachmentneeds,thatofremaining physically closetoaparent. Childrenidentifiedashavinganavoidantattachmentwithaparenttendtodisconnectfromtheirbodilyneeds.Someofthesechildrenlearntorelyheavilyonself-soothing,self-nurturingbehaviors.Theydevelopapseudo-independentorientationtolifeandmaintaintheillusionthattheycantakecompletecareofthemselves.Asaresult,theyhavelittledesireormotivationtoseekoutotherpeopleforhelporsupport. Whatbehaviorsareassociatedwithavoidantattachmentinchildren? Evenastoddlers,manyavoidantchildrenhavealreadybecomeself-contained,precocious“littleadults.”Asnoted,themaindefensiveattachmentstrategyemployedbychildrenwithavoidantattachmentistonevershowoutwardlyadesireforcloseness,warmth,affection,orlove.However,onaphysiologicallevel,whentheirheartratesandgalvanicskinresponsesaremeasuredduringexperimentalseparationexperiences,theyshowasstrongareactionandasmuch anxiety asotherchildren.Avoidantlyattachedchildrentendtoseekproximity,tryingtobeneartheirattachmentfigure,whilenotdirectlyinteractingorrelatingtothem. Inonesuchexperiment,the“StrangeSituation”procedure,attachmenttheoristMary Ainsworth,observedtheresponsesof1-yearoldsduringseparationandreunionexperiences. Theavoidantinfants“avoidedoractivelyresistedhaving contact withtheirmother”whentheirmotherreturnedtotheroom.AccordingtoDanSiegel,whenparentsaredistantorremoved,evenveryyoungchildren“intuitivelypickupthefeelingthattheirparentshavenointentionofgettingtoknowthem,whichleavesthemwithadeepsenseofemptiness.” MakeSenseofYourPasttoEmpowerYourFutureLength:90MinutesPrice:$15On-DemandWebinars  InthisWebinar: SparkedbyBowlby’soriginalinsights,attachmentresearchhasrevolutionizedourunderstandingofhumandevelopment,theinternalworld,andtheconsequences…LearnMore Howdoesanavoidantattachmentdevelopinchildren? Whydosomeparents,whoconsciouslywantthebestfortheirchild,finditdifficulttoremainattunedortobeemotionallyclosetotheirchildren?Attachment researchers haveidentifiedseveralreasonsforparents’difficultiesinthisarea.Instudyinganumberofemotionallydistantmothers,theresearchersfoundthatthemothers’lackofresponsetotheirinfantwasatleastpartlyduetotheirlackofknowledgeabout“howtosupportothers.” Someofthemotherslackedempathy,whereasothershadfailedtodevelopasenseofclosenessandcommitmentthatappeartobecrucialfactorsin“motivatingcaregivingbehavior.”Theyalsoreportedachildhood“historyofnegativeattachmentexperienceswithrejectingcaregiversandrolemodels,”whichexplainedwhytheyhad“amorelimitedrepertoireofcaregivingstrategiesattheirdisposal.” Inotherwords,themothersinthisstudyweretreatingtheirinfantsmuchastheyhadbeentreatedaschildren,andtheirbabieswerenowforminganavoidantattachmenttothem.Interestingly,arecent meta-review ofattachmentresearchhasprovidedother“evidencefortheintergenerationaltransmissionofattachmentstyle;”ithasalsodemonstratedimportantlinksbetweenparents’avoidantstylesofcaregivingandtheirchildren’savoidantattachment,especiallyinolderchildrenandadolescents. TheAvoidant/DismissiveAttachmentStyleinAdults   Peoplewhoformedanavoidantattachmenttotheirparentorparentswhilegrowinguphavewhatisreferredtoasadismissiveattachmentinadulthood.Becausetheylearnedasinfantstodisconnectfromtheirbodilyneedsandminimizetheimportanceofemotions,theyoftensteerclearofemotionalclosenessinromanticrelationships.Dismissivelyattachedadultswilloftenseekoutrelationshipsandenjoyspendingtimewiththeirpartner,buttheymaybecomeuncomfortablewhenrelationshipsgettooclose.Theymayperceivetheirpartnersas“wantingtoomuch”orbeingclingingwhentheirpartner’sexpressadesiretobemoreemotionallyclose. Whenfacedwiththreatsofseparationorloss,manydismissivemenandwomenareabletofocustheirattentiononotherissuesandgoals.Otherstendtowithdrawandattempttocopewiththethreatontheirown. Theydenytheirvulnerabilityanduserepressiontomanageemotionsthatarearousedinsituationsthatactivatetheirattachmentneeds.Whenthey do seeksupportfromapartnerduringacrisis,theyarelikelytouseindirectstrategiessuchashinting,complaining,andsulking. Accordingtoattachmentresearchers, FraleyandBrumbaugh,manydismissingadultsuse“pre-emptive”strategiestodeactivatetheattachmentsystem,forexample,theymaychoose not togetinvolvedinacloserelationshipforfearofrejection;theymayaverttheirgazefromunpleasantsights,ortheymay“tuneout”aconversationrelatedtoattachmentissues.Asecondstrategyistosuppressmemoriesofnegativeattachmentevents,suchasabreakup.Infact,adultscategorizedasdismissingreportveryfewmemoriesoftheirearlyrelationshipwithparents.Othersmaydescribetheirchildhoodashappyandtheirparentsasloving,butareunabletogivespecificexamplestosupportthesepositiveevaluations. Peoplewiththistypeofattachmentstyletendtobeoverlyfocusedonthemselvesandtheirowncreaturecomforts,andlargelydisregardthefeelingsandinterestsofotherpeople.Theyalsofinditdifficulttodisclosetheirthoughtsandfeelingstotheirpartner.Theirtypicalresponsetoanargument,conflict,andotherstressfulsituationistobecomedistantandaloof. Dismissiveadultsoftenhaveanoverlypositiveviewofthemselvesandanegative,cynicalattitudetowardotherpeople.Inmanycases,thishighself-esteemisdefensiveandprotectsafragileselfthatishighlyvulnerabletoslights,rejections,andothernarcissisticwounds.Itexistsusuallyasacompensationforlowself-esteemandfeelingsofself-hatred.Accordingtoadultattachment expertsPhilShaverandMarioMikulincer,avoidantpartnersoftenreactangrilytoperceivedslightsorotherthreatstotheirself-esteem,forexample,whenevertheotherpersonfailstosupportoraffirmtheirinflatedself-image. Howarepatternsofattachmentsupportedbythecriticalinnervoice? Thekindsofnegative,distrustful,andhostileattitudestowardotherpeoplethatareassociatedwithadismissingattachmentstylearecompoundedbydestructivethoughtsor criticalinnervoices. Theoverlypositiveandseeminglyfriendlyviewsofselfthatareexperiencedbymanyavoidantindividualsarealsopromotedbytheinnervoiceandareoftenacover-upforvicious,self-degradingthoughts. Bothkindsofvoices,towardtheselfandothers,arepartofan internalworkingmodel, basedonaperson’searliestattachments,whichactasaguidelineforhowtorelatetoaromanticpartner.Thecriticalinnervoicecanbethoughtofasthelanguageoftheseinternalworkingmodels;thevoiceactsasanegativefilterthroughwhichthepeoplelookatthemselves,theirpartnerandrelationshipsingeneral. Althoughmanycriticalinnervoicesareonlypartlyconscious,theyhavethepowertoshapethewaysthatpeoplerespondtoeachotherintheirclosest,mostintimaterelationships.Individualsidentifiedashavingadismissingattachmentstylehavereportedexperiencingsuchthoughtsas: “Youdon’tneedanyone.” “Don’tgettooinvolved.You’lljustbedisappointed.” “Menwon’tcommittoarelationship.” “Womenwilltrytotrapyou.”  “Whydoeshe/shedemandsomuchfromyou?” “You’vegottoputupwithalottostayinvolvedwithaman/woman.” “Thereareother,moreimportantthingsinlifethanromance.” “You’vegottoprotectyourself. You’regoingtogethurtinthisrelationship.” “You’retoogoodforhim/her.” Howcanwetransformadismissing/avoidantattachmentintoasecureone? Fortunately, wedon’thavetoremaintrappedwithintheconfinesofthedefensiveattachmentstrategieswedevelopedearlyinlife. Therearemanyexperiencesthroughoutlifethatprovideopportunitiesforpersonalgrowthandchange. Althoughyourpatternsofattachmentwere formedininfancyandpersist throughoutyourlife,itispossibletodevelopan “EarnedSecureAttachment”atanyage. Oneessentialwaytodothisisbymakingsenseofyourstory.AccordingtoDr.DanSiegel,attachmentresearchdemonstratesthat “thebestpredictorofachild’ssecurityofattachmentisnotwhathappenedtohisparentsaschildren,butratherhowhisparentsmadesenseofthosechildhoodexperiences.”Thekeyto“makingsense”ofyourlifeexperiences istowriteacoherentnarrative,whichhelpsyou understandhowyourchildhoodexperiencesarestillaffectingyouinyourlifetoday.InPsychAlive’s onlinecourse withDrs.DanSiegelandLisaFirestone,theywalkyouthroughtheprocessof creatingacoherentnarrativeto helpyou tobuildhealthier,moresecureattachmentsandstrengthenyourownpersonalsenseofemotionalresilience.Whenyoucreateacoherentnarrative,youactuallyrewireyourbraintocultivatemoresecuritywithinyourselfandyourrelationships. Inapreviousarticle,Inotedthatbeinginvolvedinalong-termrelationshipwithsomeonewhohasasecureattachmentstyleisonepathwaytowardchange.Theotherwayisthroughtherapy;thetherapeuticallianceorrelationshipoffersasafehaveninwhichtoexploreourattachmenthistoryandgainanewperspectiveonourselves,othersandrelationshipsingeneral. Tolearnmoreabouthowtowriteacoherentnarrativeanddevelopanearnedsecureattachment,joinDr.LisaFirestoneandDr.DanielSiegelfortheonlinecourse“MakingSenseofYourLife: UnderstandingYourPasttoLiberateYourPresentandEmpowerYour Future.” AbouttheAuthor JoyceCatlett,M.A. JoyceCatlett,M.A.,authorandlecturer,hascollaboratedwithDr.RobertFirestoneinwriting12booksandnumerousprofessionalarticles.Mostrecently,sheco-authored SexandLoveinIntimateRelationships(APABooks,2005),BeyondDeathAnxiety:AchievingLife-AffirmingDeathAwareness(SpringerPublishing,2009)andTheEthicsofInterpersonalRelationships(KarnacBooks,2009),withRobertFirestone PhD.Ms.Catlettbeganhercareerinpsychologyin1972,workingwithautisticchildrenattheCamarilloStateHospitalChildren’sTreatmentCenterinCamarillo,CA.AfoundingmemberofGlendonAssociation,shehasbeenanationallecturerandworkshopfacilitatorintheareasofchildabusepreventionandcouplerelations.WithGlendon,shehasco-produced40videodocumentariesonawiderangeofmentalhealthtopics.Ms.CatlettwasalsoinstrumentalinthedevelopmentandtrainingofinstructorsintheCompassionateChildRearingEducationProgramandintrainingmentalhealthprofessionalsinVoiceTherapyMethodology. RelatedArticles AreYouAbletoHoldHopeInLife? 3EasyThingstoTrytoImmediatelyImproveYourMood WhattoDoWhenYouFeelParalyzedbytheNews Tags:adultattachment,anxious,attachment,attachmentstyle,childattachment,fearofintimacy,relationshipattachment 61Comments iamconfusedbythedescriptionshere.ItseemsitchangedhalfwaythroughthearticlefromdescribingAvoidant/Anxious,todescribingDismissive/Avoidant,oraretheyboththesamething? Reply They’renotthesamething.They’reconfoundingthetwo,whichmakesthisarticleconfusing.Thisarticlesoundslikeit’sdescribingpeoplewhohaveavoidantattachment,butnotanxious-avoidantattachment. Avoidantattachmentis“I’mbetteroffaloneperiod.Icansatisfymyownneedsbetterthananyoneelsecan.” Anxious-avoidantattachmentis“Iwantintimacy,butI’mafraidtogettooclose.”Ithinkanxious-avoidantisalsoknownasfearful-avoidantwhereasavoidantattachmentistypicallydismissive-avoidant. Anxiousattachmentis“Ifalldeepandwanttomergecompletelywithmypartner,butI’mafraidIwantmoreintimacythanmypartnerdoes.” Secureattachmentis“I’mokaywithintimacy,andI’mokaywithbeingaloneforawhiletoo.” ButIthinkpeoplecanhaveoneattachmentstyle,butstillhaveafewtraitsofanotherattachmentstyle.Peopletendtofallonaspectrumandnotinsideclearcutcategories. Reply Iapologizeforthedeletionofmyearlierreplytothefirstreader’scomment,whichoccurredbecauseofamalfunctiononourwebsitelastmonth.Dismissive/avoidantattachmentisadescriptivetermoftenappliedtothewaythatindividualsinteractintheiradultattachmentsorrelationships.Thetermisusedbyanumberofattachmentresearcherswhoexploreadultromanticattachments,whereastheterms“anxious/avoidantattachment”and“avoidantattachment”areusedbydevelopmentalpsychologiststodescribeattachmentpatternsformedbetweenparentandchild.Youcanfindtheworkbyadultattachmentresearchersbyaccessingthehyper-linksembeddedwithinthearticle. Andyouareright.Humanbeingscannotbeadequatelydescribedbycategories,andthedescriptivecategoriesintroducedbyMaryAinsworthandMaryMainencompassacontinuumofbehaviorsandtraits.MaryAinsworthalsofoundthatchildrenoftenformeddifferentattachmentpatternswithmotherandfather.inaddition,sheoftenfoundtwoattachmentpatternswithinonechild,althoughonewasusuallymoreprominentthantheother.“Fearfulattachment”isatermusedbysomeresearcherstodescribeadisorganizedattachmentpattern.OurworkisfocusedonexploringthepsychodynamicsunderlyingtheattachmentpatternsandespeciallythecognitiveprocessesthatmakeupInternalWorkingModelsratherthanontheattachmentcategoriesthemselves.ThanksforallyourcommentsandIespeciallylikedyoursimpledescriptionsofthethreepatterns. Reply Pleaseseemyreplybelowtothesecondreader’scomment.Irepliedtoyoulastmonth,butthereplywaserasedthroughamalfunctiononourwebsite. Reply HiMichelle,pleaseseemyreplytoHeatherbelow.Iapologizeforthedelay,butwehadawebsiteglitchwithcommentslastmonth! Reply IbelieveIhaveandanxious/avoidantattachment.InmycaseItendtobeinstantlyclingyandneedyinrelationshipsandthenoncetherelationshipisestablishedItendtostarttodistancemyself.Whichisoppositeofwhatisconveyedintheabovearticle.MymotherwasinthehospitalforthreemonthswithpostpartumpsychosiswhenIwassixmonthsoldin1968.Ihavenootherinformationwithregardstowhathappenedordidnothappentomeduringthesixmonthsofmylifepriortoherhospitalstay.Iwascaredforbymygrandparentforthethreemonths.IdonotsuspectanyphysicalharmandIamwaitingformychildhoodhospitalrecordstoconfirmthat.WhatIdosuspectisalackofresponsetomebymymotherwhowasverydepressedatthattime.Mymotherpassedin1989andnevertoldmeaboutthis.Iwaslaterinformedbymygrandmother(nottheonewhocaredforme)aboutherstayinhospital.Iguessmyquestioniswhataretheeffectsonchildrenandadultchildrenofmother’swhosufferedfrompostpartumpsychosisandwhoiteffectedmyattachment?AlsowasorwouldIhavebeenaffectedagainbytheseparationwithmygrandparentsascaregiversoncemymotherwasreleased?Anyfurtherinformationregardingeffectsonpostpartumpsychosisonchildrenoranxious/avoidantattachmentwouldbegreatlyappreciated. Reply Idobelieveyouareeffectedbyyourmothereveninthewomb.Iwasadoptedatbirthanddefinitelyiteffectsme.Iwasalsoemotionallyrejectingduringoneofmypregnanciesduetoapendingdivorceandeventhoughilovehertopieces,thatparticularchildhasmuchstrongerabandonmentissuescomparedtomyotherolderkidswhenIwasmorestableduringtheirpregnancies. Reply Youreallyhadaroughbeginninginlife!Butyourpatternofrespondingtoloveisnotthatunusual.Manypeoplewhohavebeenhurtthatearlyinlifefeel“clingy”ordesperatetofindloveinanattempttomakeupforwhatwaslackingintheirchildhoodenvironment.Theproblemisthatassoonastherelationshipbecomesmeaningfultothem,bothemotionallyandphysicallygratifying,theybecomeafraidoflosingtheirnewlove,ofbeingthrustbackintothesamepainfulsituationtheyfacedasachild.Theyfearpotentialrejectionandabandonment.Andsotoprotectthemselves,theyunconsciouslypullbackorstartwithholdingtheveryqualitiesinthemselvesthattheirpartnerespeciallyloved.RobertFirestoneandIhavedescribedthispatternindetailinthebookFearofIntimacy(1999). Childrenofdepressedmothers,inparticular,sufferfromtheirmother’sinabilitytobeattunedtothem,totheirfeelingsortheirneeds.Theylackafigurewhowillmirrortheiremotionsbacktothem,someonewhocanhelpthemlearnhowtoregulatedisturbingemotions,suchastheirfear,anxietyandanger,andhelpthembuilda“coreself.YoucanfindsomemoreinformationonthistopicinDanielStern’sbookTheInterpersonalWorldoftheInfant(1985)andanyofEdTronik’sstudiesaboutdepressedmothers—forexample,his“StillFace”experiments. Reply HelloIamdatingamenwhoithinkhasfaerfulavoidantattachement.Weare3yearstogetherbutheneversaysmeiloveyouandhesayshedon’twantcommitment.Whenileavehethenstartstomakemecomeback.Hesaysheisconfusedabouthisfeelingsandheisnotsure.Whenwegetcloseheimmediatelypullsback.Iwantedtoknowhowcanihelphimundestandthathehasaproblemandthatit’snotaboutme Reply Whichattachmentstyeisitifyouroverridingfearofrelationship/intimacyislosingself-control/inhibitionoroffeelingemotionsyoufinddemeaning? Reply Whereareparts1and3? Reply HereisPartI. Reply Ifeelthatmostpeopleincludingthosethatareemotionalstableareoftenall,ifnot,manyofthesethingsdismissive,avoidant,fearful,anxious,etc.HopefullyNOTsimultaneouslyandtovaryingdegrees.IfeelitisALMOSTnexttoimpossibletopin-pointwhereapersonactuallyfallsbecauseemotionallyunstablepeopledon’tspeakclearlyandareusuallyveryinconsistent.Ifeelthatalloftheseattachmentstylesareoneinthesame,theyallmeshandintertwineatsomepoint.Myhusbandalongwithmyself,basedonthecriteriaqualifiesineveryattachmentstyle.ForexampleIcanbeverydismissivewhenhewantsto“communicate”aftercomingoutofoneofhismoodswings.Weavoideachotherwhenthereistension.Actually,Itendtoavoidmoodypeopleingeneral. Myhusbandcanbeavoidantwetherit’sabill,unpleasantsituation,confrontation,life,etc.IknowALOTofwomenwhostrugglewithhusbandswholiketoavoidthingsasmuchaspossible,allofthosemendidn’tcomefromavoidantbrokenhomes.MyhusbandandIarebothinourearly40’s,thisismysecondmarriageandhisfirst.Iamaserialmonogamist,hehasahistoryofshort-termrelationships.Neitheris“ideal”.Ifeelthatalotofpeoplespendtheirlifeavoidinganything“unpleasant”thisiswhyhappinessisconstantlybeingSOLDtous.Ithinkthatlifeandthefuturemakepeoplefearful,anxious,avoidant,etc.Besidesallofthatwhenarelationshipgoeswelleveryoneisonboard.It’sonlywhenthatrelationshipshiftsorsomethinghappenspeoplestarttorethinktheirstatus.DuetotechnologyandsocialmediaIthinkweshouldredefineattachmentstyles.ParentingwasMUCHdifferentthanitisnow.Mostkidscomefromtwoworkingparentswhoareconstantlytobusy.Overhalfofallmarriedcoupleswilldivorceatsomepointandnowkidsnowrelyonsocialmedia,sports,etctoconnect.Sointhefuturewilltheseattachmentlabelsbeaccurate.Wearenowconnectedtotexts,imagery,falseideals(happiness,it’sNOTsomethingyouATTAIN),expecttomuch,don’tgiveenough,areentitled,deserving,liveoncreditandborrowedtime,etc.IfearanditseemsthatMOSTpeoplehavebecomeavoidant.Womendon’tevenneedamantohaveababyanymore,menarebecomingobsolete. Reply I’llstartbyassuringyouthatthisisinnowayapersonalattack,pleasedon’ttakeitassuch.Isimplybelieveyou’vemissedthebiggerpicture.Thereisn’tanillnessinexistencethathasbutonesymptomwhichaffectseveryindividualinbutonemannerwithbutoneoutcomethat’sresolvedinbutonecasestudy.Ludicrous,right?Knowingnotwomindsarealikeconsiderthat,realistically,allmentalillnessesbeginwiththesamemetanarrative.Thinkexpandingcirclesthatco-mingleasyouagestartinginthecenterwith1.Chrono=you+ever-changingfactors:age,sex,health,religiousbeliefs,stress,experiencesetc.2.Micro=(directcontact)family,playmates,schoolmates,peers,romanticpartners,coworkersetc.3.Meso=(partialcontact)friendsoffamily,friendsoffriends,friendsofpartner,neighbors,workacquaintances,child’sschooletc.4:Exo=(influentialcontact)child’sfriends,child’spartner,declininghealth,social/massmedia,politics,schoolrelatedprogramsetc.5:Macro=(basicnorms-mentalinfluence)society,law,history,culture,economicstructure,genderrolesocializationandideologies.That’sanaverage,VERYsimpleand“easy”life;nowadddeath,tragedy,stress,abuse,otherstressorsandrealizethatcircleneverstopsgrowing,affecting,overlappingandchangingyou.ThesheervolumeofdifferentiatingfactorsthataffectjustONEindividualismindblowing.Geneticandenvironmentalfactorsaffectmentalillnessesinthesamemanner,thoseillnessesarestudiedusingthesamemicro-meso-exo-macrosystem,mustbefactoredintoapatient’spast,arejustasunpredictableandjustasuniqueastheindividualsufferingfromthem.Thestudywasn’tmeanttopinpointwithprecision,youstatedthatyou’reawarethat’sanimpossibletask,butresearchhastostartsomewhere.Soyeah,someofthefactorsyoumentioneddoexist-forsome.Yes,societyis,has,andwillalwaysbechanging-foreveryoneandit’snotALLnegative.Yes,comorbidmentalillnessisarealitythat,again,affectseveryindividualdifferently-somedisplayoneormoreexpectedtraitandsomedon’t.Iwon’tgetintotheman/womanissue,it’sgotnothingtodowithmentalillness.Ido,however,hopeyoufindthepeaceyouseekandwishyouthebest. Reply I’mconfused…isthiscommentabout‘mentalillness’appendedtothecorrectarticleonattachmentstyles??? Reply Itseemsreallyunfairtosuggestthatavoidantattachmentcanonlybecuredbyarelationshiporpotentialrelationship.I’ma31yearoldwomanandIhaveneveronceinmylifebeenattractedtoanybody(realorfictional,yesreally)andIdon’tfindrelationshipsappealingatall.MyparentswerewhollyemotionallyunavailablethroughoutmychildhoodandIspentmuchofthattimeandadulthoodtryingtomakemyselfunnoticeablesothatIwouldn’tbeatargetoftheyellingandspanking.AmIdoomedtobeforeverstuckwithwhat’sessentiallyaformofComplex-PTSDbecauseI’masexualanddon’twanttobeputthroughsexualreorientationtherapy?I’vealreadybeenabusedbymenandwomenwhothoughtthattheirownromantic/sexualfeelingsformecouldfixme,whichofcourseultimatelyfixednothing.ThisfeelingofsoulessnessandemptinessissoutterlydespairingandI’m“lucky”tonothavetheconstitutiontophysicallyactonsaiddespair. Reply Becauseourattachmentsystemsarefracturedwithinarelationship,theymustbefixedwithinarelationship.However,thisrelationshipdoesNOTneedtobeofasexualorromanticnature.Studiesshowthatalong-termtherapeuticrelationshipwithatherapistcanhelpindividualsdevelopanEarnedSecureAttachment.Itisalsopossiblethataclose,consistent,long-termfriendshipcanhelphealthewoundofattachment.Youarenotdoomed.Thereishope! Reply Thankyouforresponding!It’sarelieftohearthatitdoesn’talwayshavetobean(invasiveandunwanted)intimaterelationshipandcanbealong-termprofessionaltherapistthinginstead.I’vebeenscaredawaybytoomanytreatmentprogramsthatassumetheycan“cure”mylackofattractionsintheprocess,butmaybeI’llfindatherapistwhoisn’tlikethatsomeday.Thankyouagainforacknowledgingthealternatives. Reply Hello–IdeeplyresonatedonsomelevelwithyourpostandthoughI’veneverrespondedonwebsites,Ifeelcalledto,justbychancesomethingsI’vediscoveredmaybeofsomeusetoyou.I’vebeenstudyingattachmenttheoryforawhileandamcurrentlylisteningtointerviewsontheSoundsTrue.compsychotherapy2.0summitofsomeofthemostthoughtful,impressive,compassionatepeopleinthisfield(e.g.DianePooleHeller,DanielSiegel,RickHanson,BonnieBadenoch,StephenPorges,DavidWallin,etc.) Theseareexpertsinvariousfieldsdealingwithattachment,trauma,interpersonalneurobiology,etc.andmosthavewrittenbooks;Ifindgreatcomfortinlistening/watchingthem,andfurtherinterviews/talksoftheirscanbefoundfreeofchargethroughsuchsitesas:ShrinkRapRadio.com,InsightsattheEdge(alsothroughsoundstrue.com),theGreaterGoodScienceCenter,andNICABM.com(freeofchargewhenbroadcast).Asastudentmyselfnowandhavinghadmuchexperiencewithmanydifferenttherapists,whatIsoappreciateintheaboveistheunderstandingandacknowledgment(seeespeciallyHeller,Badenoch,Wallin)thatforatherapeuticattachmentrelationshiptotrulybehealing,thetherapistmustacknowledgeandactivelyhealher/hisownattachment-relatedbehavior/reactionsandcontinuouslyattune/repair/attune/repairduringtherelationshipwiththeclient.(SeealsoStanTatkin’swork–acouple’stherapistwhoessentiallyconsiderstheheartofthe(healthy)romanticrelationshiptobetwopeoplewhoeffectively(enough!)assisteachotherinemotionalregulation.IwholeheartedlypersonallyagreeattachmentrepairneedNOToccurthrougharomanticconnection.Infact,DianePooleHellerdiscussesoneclientwhofoundthisrepairprimarilythroughaneighbor/friend.Itdoestakeeffortanditdoestakeconnection.Whichisexactlywhatissooftendifficult.Bestwishes–J Reply Areyousureyouwanttobeemotional?Youhavenoideawhatwouldyouhavetodealwith.Stayexactlywhereyou’re,trustme,ifIcouldIwouldtakeyourplace.SomehowIgetattractedonlybypeoplethatareunavailabletome.I’m44yearsoldfemale,3guysuptonow.Itissopainful,itmakesmefullydysfunctional.Lovesucks! Reply Youliana–Isecondwhatyou’vesaid.I’m43yearsoldandhaveneverhadahealthyrelationship.Ibecomeattachedandneedyvery,veryquicklyandmyworldinstantlyrevolvesaroundthatman–especiallytheunavailableones.I’veneverexperiencedanythingsopainfulinallmylife. Ijustwanttoechowhatwassaidbelow,assomeonewithaveryharrowingchildhoodandavoidantattachmentasaresult.I’m34nowbutwhatreallyhelpedmewasbeingremotheredbyatherapist.Ataround29-31.itwashardworkbutI’minahappystablerelationshipnowandhavegraduatedinalotofmyfriendships.Youcan’thealinavacuumbutthereareothersthatcansupportyouinrebuildingyourintimacywiring. Reply In39yearsold.Ihavebeguntherapywithmedsbackin2002aftergettingoutofNavy. ThethingsIfindoutaboutmyselfthroughoutlifeespeciallyinmy30shasbeenlet’ssayinteresting. Culturehasahugeimpact. I’mFinnish Oneparentmother.(fathernotinlifeatallduetoschitzophrenia)Iwasraisedbysickfatheruntilabout3or4.Canthathaveanyimpactonmycoping?Memmoriesifany?IhaveheardstorieshowheusetoleavemeandmysisteraloneoutsideinthewinterinConn.Inourcarriagesbecausewecried…OnestoryIfoundoutafewmonthsago.Idon’treallyhaveanyemotionstowardthatidea…Yet. Motherverydistant.Loud,Finnish,grewupveryjealousofsiblingsduringww2inFinland.Sayssisterandbrotherwerealwayshighlyregaurded..,Multipletimesduringyears6-teens18possiblystartedtopackupliterallyinfrontofussayingshe’sleavingasshecriedtellinghowshecan’ttakeitanymore...Ohgodthememory.Letsmoveon. OneparentmotherFinnishborn423sister1brother. Fatherschitzophrenicnever”knewhim”“didn’thavefather”Finnish Ihavetwinsister4minolderand1brother. We(wellmysisterandi)neverwenttodoctorsforanything.Anything..evenpossiblebrokenbonesfromwhatIgathertothisday. MybrodidgomaybeonceortwiceforaDeepcut. Butshedidmakesurewewenttodentist.AndifwehadcavitywehadtogetfillingdrillingWithoutNovacain…….. SheabandonedFinlandwheresheraisedusafterleavingSten(father)backinFloridawhenwewereborn.Allmycousinsandauntsandunclesleftbehind.Noonetoattachtointhestates,exceptforafewFinnishfriendsofmom.(interestingstorieswithattatchmentthere) Visitedquiteoftengrowingup.leavingFinlandasayounggirlaftervisiting2monthswithgrandparentsbecameunbearablydifficult.Iwouldsulkcryintheirbathroomafewdaysbeforehavingtoleavebacktous.Neverletthemseemyfearorsadness. Anyway,ifyouwantmoreknowledgeandresearch…Ihavealottooffer.Familydynamicswithcultureandupbringinggavememanymemoriesofcoping.TothisdayIamverynieveaboutthings,IgottherapybecauseIwasunabletocopewithlifeandalltheuncomfortablefeelings. Youcanprobablylearnnewthingsfrommystory.Becauseitinvolvesmytwinwhoapparentlysuffersverymuchalsowithpersonalidentificationandcoping.VeryblackandwhitewearebutI’mthemorecalmone.She’sverypassiveaggressive.NottosayI’mnot.Idon’tknow. Justgetintouch.IamabletotalkaboutThingsthatIstartedtoquestion.Beingalmost40Ifeellikeihavethemindofa10yearold. Reply Hello,Ijustcameacrossyourpost,evenifitisyearsago.Iwasreallysuprisedhowwellyoursituationfitstotheoneofmypartnerunfortunately.Wouldyoumindtellingabitmore? Reply Ihavedxofafewdisorders…oneisBPD.PertheVA.AlsoIhavethecommonotherones. Neverbeenmarriedorhadkids. Ireallyhaven’tbeenabletogrowuppersaytoevenfathomkids.. Multiplelongtimerelationships. MyliferevolvesaroundmakingsureIdon’tgetabandonedbypartner.DoIreallyknowwhoIam?No,IknowIdon’t. Lifehassettledaftersoberingupandstartedsuboxone.TheOnlymedthathasgivenmemysanitybackandlifeworthliving“feeling”. NothingreallyworkedUntilIfoundthismedforobviouslyadependentformedication.I’msobernow,foraboutayear.noalcoholorrxmeds.I’maRegisteredNurse.currentlydisabledby2differentinstitutions. Idoknowtherearetrialsregardingusingthemedsuboxonindividualswhodontbenefitfromthemainstreampsychmeds.Ithassavedmylife.notjustaddictionbutIamabletowithstandlivinganotherdayinmybodyandmind.Iplantostayonitfortherestofmylife.There’snowayI’mgoingbacktothestateIwasayearago. Reply Iamaninternationaladoptee(fromRussiatoUnitedStates).Iwasadoptedwheniwasroughly2.5yearsold,fromanorphanage.Iknownothingaboutmybirthmotherorfatherexceptthatmybirthmotherwas24whenshehadme.andshegaveupherparentalrights2daysaftermybirth. … Iam20yearsold&Ihavefoundmyselfphysically,mentally,andsexuallydrawntofemaleswhoareolderand/orpossessmaternalcharacteristics.Yes,Iidentifyaslesbianbutcan’thelpthinkingmypast(adoption)couldplayapossibleroleinmysexuallity.Specifically,mypreferenceofattractiveness.Iamcuriousaboutthisseemlydeep,unavoidableattractiontoanyfemalewhoshowsmaternalaffectiontowardsme.Ifeelagiddy,butsafeconnection.Buttheironyofitallisthatafterawhile,Ibecomeobsessivewitheitherwantingtojustbeintheirpresenceortheexactopposite:notwantinganythingtodowiththem.Isitamatterofnaturevs.nurture?Doesselfesteemplayanyrole?isthiscommon?Isthiscommoninanxious-avoidingattachmentsymptoms? Thoughts? Thankyouforyourtimeandilookforwardtoyourreply! -Maggie Reply ItseemsIhaveallthisinspades.Ihavealreadydestroyedallmyrelationships,soIcangetnohelpthere.SinceIamaUniversitystudent,Iamunabletoaffordtherapy.Isthereanyotherway? Reply IhaveahardtimedistinguishingwhichIammoreof-avoidantoranxious.ItseemsIamabout90%Anxiousinromanticrelationships,butAvoidantinday-to-dayinteractionsandwithacquaintances,althoughIdohaveseveresocialanxiety,sothatmaybewheretheavoidanceiscomingfrom.Withsocialanxiety,itishardformetotell.Forinstance,withmyacquaintancesIdon’tdisplaymyfeelings,Iamnotopen,ifIamaskedouttocoffee,Iwilltakeseveralminutestothinkaboutitfirst,oftentoothers’dismay;becauseIworrythatifidon’tliketheexperience,iwon’tbeabletoleave.Iseemto‘steerclearofemotionalcloseness’withacquaintances.Iseemtopushdownorrepressallofmysocialneeds.Andwhenpeopletalktome,itfeelsliketheyaretalkingtoomuch.ButthatisnothowIactinaintimaterelationship.Inanintimaterelationship,Iamcompletelytheopposite. Reply Myavoidantattachmentspilledoverintomysexlife.SinceIstartedhavingsexasateenagerIfoundmyselfsufferingfromsexualdysfunctionsanytimearelationshipwithawomanwouldstartgettingserious.AslongasIcouldkeepthepartneratarmslengthasfarasemotionalintimacywasconcerned(ie:limitingmyselftoonenightstands,paidsex)mysexualfunctioningwasfine.FormanyyearsIhadnoideawhattheproblemwas.IactuallythoughtIwassimplyeasilyboredsexually.Despitedatingdozensofwomenbetweentheagesof15and35(whenIfinallygotmarried)Ihadneverfalleninloveandendedupmarryingforreasonsotherthanthat.StuckinaonepartnerrelationshipmysexlifebasicallystoppedasIcouldn’tfunctionwithmywife.Ididn’tknowthiswasbeingcausedbyavoidantattachmentuntilIstartedseeingapsychiatrist.AlthoughIfinallygotaplausibleexplanationoftheproblemhewasn’tabletohelpmewithmysexualdysfunctionsandmymarriagehasbeensexlessformanyyears. Reply There’smoretoallthisthanwhatpsychologycanhelpuswith.Muchofwhatweareallgoingthroughistopushusintothenextlevelofexperience. Iwasverydismissiveasachildbecauseofseriouslyneglectfulparents(mummayhavebeenborderlinenarcissistic).Imetmynowhusbandwhowasverysecure.HeallowedmetoreachoutorpullbackasIwished.Hewassimplyavailabletome.Everyoneloveshiseasygoingattitude.It’sbeen26yearsandnowI’mthesecureone.IttookmethatlongbutI’maveryVERYslowlearner.I’vegonefromthinkingI’mbetterthaneveryone(selfdefencemechanism)andnotengagingwithanyonebecausetheyweren’tworthit(possiblydidn’tthinkrelationshipswereworthitbecauseofmychildhood)tobecomingsomeonewhoabsolutelylovesothers,lovesbeinginvolved,aroundothers,helpingothers,laughingandengagingindeepconversationswithothers.I’veevenoccasionallytippedoverintoanauthenticextrovertwhenIfeellikehavingjustpurephysicalfun(nonsexual).Igenuinelyloveotherhumans! Ifthatappealstoyou,here’syournextstep,allowtheeasygoing,responsible,kind,agreeablepersonintoyourlife,theywillteachyouandhealyou.Theambitious,overlymotivatedandsexypersonwhohaswaytoomanyoptionsisnotthepersonforyoujustyet. Reply IsthereanywayIcouldsomehowgainsomemoreadviceanddetailfromyou?I’msufferingina3.5yrrelationshipwithmySOwhoisthisarticlepersonified,andyouandyourpartnermadeit.I’mindesperateneedofhelpfromaresourceotherthancounseling(didn’tdomuch–sodepressing),andgiventhatyourpartnercopedandyouwerebothabletoovercomewhatIimaginetobealotofwallsandstrenuoustimes,itwouldbesohelpfultometogetdetailsofhowhewentaboutitall.I’mprettymuchcrumblinginwardandoutwardlyatthispointandthereissomuchslippingfromme. Wouldgreatlyappreciateyourhelp. Reply HelloIhavea5yearolddaughterwhoiadoptedwhenshewas20months.Shewasremovedfrombirthbutwenttoamotherandbabyfosterplacement.Thebirthmotherleftafter6monthsandmydaughterremainedatthefosterhomeuntilweadoptedher.Ibelieveshewasneglectedatthefosterhome.ShetickssomanyoftheAvoidanceAttachmentsymptoms.Arethereanybooksicouldreadtohelpmeparenthercorrectlywhichisbeneficialtoherandmyhusband&I?Asicantseemtofindanyforthisparticularattachmentdisorder.Anyadvicegrateful! Reply ParentingFromtheInsideOutbyDanSiegelisawonderfulbookforunderstandingchildattachment. Reply I’vetakenDr.Siegel’s“MakingSenseofYourLife”course.Thetruthis,priortotakingthecourseI’dreadenoughstuffonlinetounderstandthatIamdeeplyavoidant,andwhy.MymotherlearnedtoparentfromhercoldGermanparents.Ihadagirlfriendonce30,yearsago.Shewassomeonewhoexpressedinterestinmeaftershehaddatedmultipleotherpeopleattheoffice.Ineverdatedinhighschool,I’veneverdatedorbeeninvolvedsincethatonceinstanceinthe1980’s.Idon’thaveanyfriends,butlotsofacquaintences.I’m60yearsoldandIstruggletoseetheadvantageinchanging.Idon’tseewhatIgain.Ijustwanttoliveoutwhat’sleftofmylifeandnotbeabothertoanyone. Reply Thankyou.Everyoneforopeningyourheartsandspeakingsohonestlyinthispublicforum.Iamdeeplyinlovewithanavoidantmanandwasmyselfananxiousattacher(incorrectdef)!Ihaveearnedsecureattachmentfrommyrelationshipwithhimdueendlesshoursofresearchintoattachmentdisordersresultinginadeepunderstandingofbothourbehaviours.I’mcurrentlyonanalternativeroute(tofocusonmyself-care,familyandcareer)howeveramsoextremelygratefultohimbecausewithoutthisexperienceIwouldnothavebeenabletodiscoverthesetraitsIpossessmyself.Lovecomesinallforms…Ihopethatovertimehewillletmeinbutifhedoesn’tthenIwillalwaysbegratefulfortheexperienceandholdaspecialplaceforhiminmyheartforever.Much,muchlovetoeveryoneintheirjourney…Itrulymeanit. Reply Caroline,thisissuchawonderfulandpositiveapproach.Iwishmorepeoplecouldseeitthewayyoudo! Reply Iamveryintriguedbytheinformationinthisarticle.Ihavestudiedattachmentabit,andhaven’tseenthedistinctionbetweeninfantandadult.Ithasalwaysbeenpresentedasacontinuum. ForasfarbackasIcanremember,Ineverfeltanylovefrommyfather.Mymotherwasattimesgushing,whichbecauseofpromptingfrommyfather,ledmetototallydiscounther.Andherlovewastotallyconditional,whichmadeiteasyformetodiscount.AnymistakeorannoyanceIcausedwouldbemetwithatotalwithdrawalofloveandaffection.BothofmyparentsgavemetheconstantoverallfeelingthatIwasanunwantedburden. Now,Iamintrovertedandshy.I’vebeentoldbycounselorsthatIhavealeadblanketIpullovermyselfwhenirrationalemotionsaredirectedtowardsme.AttachmenttestsI’vetakenshowmerightnearthemiddleonselfworthandrelativelyhighonattachmentneeds.Thismakessense,butI’veneverunderstoodtheleadblanketportion.It’slikeIplacealargeemotionalattachmentonmysignificantother,andwithdrawandprotectmyselffromtherestoftheworld.Whatwouldyoucallthat?Isthattypicalofanxiousattachment? Reply OhIcanabsolutelyrelatetothis.IwillfeelveryconnectedtomySObutdisconnectedfrommostotherpeople.Ihasbeenhelpfultoreadyourcommentandseeitwordedthisway. Reply Hisoihaveahardtimetrustingotherpeopleoniftheiremotionaretrulyrealandicanneverrelycometolove.Iam19nowandcanthandleclingingrelationshiplikemeandmyclosestguyfriendwereintimatebutwhenhetoldmehelovedmeicutoffcontactanditstressedmeout.Mymotherhasassociativeidentitydisorderandinfactidontremembermostofmypastuntil12rely.izoneoutalottooandicantcontrolthatwell.itsreallyhardformetorelyonothersandtotrustothers.relymosttimeidontevenknowwhatiamfeelinglikeimaalivebutifeelnumb.itooanonlinetestanditsaid100outof100onavoidantattachmenttype. Reply Irememberasearlyasage7,andthroughoutmylife,Iwouldwonderifmymotheractuallylovedme.Ialsoremembereverytimesomeotheradultwouldfailtoseethatpoorattachment(somethingIhadnowordsforatthatage)becausemymomwassogoodaspresentingastheperfectmother.Inrealitysheishighlynarcissistic,abusiveandself-absorbedpersonwhohasnevershowngenuineaffectionandwhowasraisedbysomeonejustlikeher.WhenIstartedlearningaboutthistraumaandattachmentstuff(asanadult)andbegantoprocesstheabuseIfinallyrealizedwhatahugeimpacttheattachmentissuehasreallyhadonmyentirelife.I(anavoidantattachmenttype)marriedamanwithhugeabandonmentissuesbecausehismotherleftthefamilywhenhewasachild.Hisclinginess(andattachmentissues)andmyavoidancewaslikeoneofthoseChinesefingerpuzzleswheretheharderyoupull,themorestuckyouareinthepuzzle.Ittookme8yearstofinallygetfreeofhim…andhewassomeonewhoneverpurposelymistreatedme.TothisdayIhavebeenunableandunwillingtotellmyparentsthetruereasonwedivorcedbecauseitwouldinvolvediscussingallthisattachmentstuffwiththeverypersonwhoinstilleditinme.IlearnedthehardwaythatsheisnotatrustworthysourceofloveorsupportandIwillnevereverhavethatdiscussionwithher,nomatterhowmuchtherapy.IwouldrathertellherIhadanaffairevenifthat’snottrue.I’vealsoneverbeenabletotellmyparentswhyIchosenottohavechildren;whichisbecauseIreallydon’tfeellikeI’dknowwhattodowiththemandwouldprobablydamagetheminthesamewayIwasdamaged.(Don’tworry;I’mentirelygoodwithnothavingthem!) Thatsaid,oneofthebiggestthingsIwrestlewithnowishowIviewmyself,asanavoidantattachmentindividual.Ongooddays,Ifeellikeaqueen;likeIamstrongandindependent,takingaloverifitpleasesme(Iamnotpromiscuous,however),beinginchargeofeverythinginmylife.Iownmyhome,IhaveajobIampassionateabout,Iamintelligent,successfulandeducated.Ienjoyintrovert-typeactivities,sonothavingclosefriendsornotgoingoutalotoftendoesn’tbotherme.OnbaddaysIwonderifIwilleverknowhowtolovesomeoneproperlyandifIwilleverhaveanytruefriendsorifthereisanyoneouttherewhoreallycaresaboutmebesidesmytherapist,whoispaidtodoso.Or,whetherIreallyevencareifIevergetthatclosetoanyone. Iwriteshortstoriesbasedonmydreams,whichalwaysinvolveacharacterwhohasnoattachmentswhatsoeverexceptforherdog(whoinreallifeisforsuremymostsecureattachment),andhasnodependenceonanyoneoranything,whowandersthewoodsandcountrysidehappilyandwithgreatspirituality,allthemoresobecausetherearenopeopleinherlife.Shedoesn’tneedmoneyortransportation(shedoeshaveahorsesometimes,though)andmostlythereisnomentionevenoffoodorwaterorshelter.Whenshedoestakeshelter,itistemporary,arentedroomorsleepingunderatree.Occasionallyshehascontactwithpeople,butnotforlongasshetiresofthemquickly.WritingthesestorieshasbeenverytherapeuticformebecauseIcanmakethischaracterintosomekindofideal(albeitonethatisimpossibleinreallife)andthereforeacceptthatifshecanbeatpeacewithherlackofattachmentthensocanI(eventually).ItholdsmeoverwhileIworkonmyreallifeattachmentissues,validatingthemwhilealsoallowingmetoprocessthem.AndhonestlyIenjoyindulgingthefantasyofnotneedinganyoneoranything.InreallifethatiswhatIstrugglewith,though.Howtoletmyselfneedpeople,lovepeopleetc. Reply Hello,amcitingthisforaschoolassignment.Whenwasthispublished? Reply February15,2015 Reply Thisisareallyinterestingarticle.Istheonlinecoursefinishednowasthelinkdoesn’tseemtoopen? Reply TheeCourseisarchived,soyoucanbeginthecourseanytime.Wehadservermaintenancegoingonthisweekend,whichiswhythelinkdidn’twork.Iapologizefortheinconvenience. Reply Iscoreveryavoidantbuthaveverylovingparents.Theybothworkedandwerefairlybusy,butIwouldguessmymomevenprobablyover-comfortedmeattimes.IhavesomeideasastowhyIhaveintimacyissues,butIhavetorespectfullydisagreethatallofthosewhostrugglewithavoidancewereignoredaschildren. Reply Ihaveheardsomewherethatparentswhoareover-protectiveoractintrusivecanalsomakeachilddevelopavoidanttypeattachment.Ifyouthink,anintrusiveparentfeelsalsoasifheorshedoesnotreallycareorrelatetothechild’sneedsorhavearelationshipwiththerealchild,butwiththeirfantasiesandthewaytheythinkthechildshouldbeorbehave.Thiscanmakeachildfeelsosuffocated,thathe/shehasthesensationthatallcloserelationshipscanbecomelikethisandthat,maybebecauseasachilditwasdifficulttocopewith,he/shewouldnotknowevenasanadulthowtocopeorreact,especiallyiftheyarefacedwithreproach,sotheeasiestwayoutisnottocompletelyengageinthefirstplaceortofleeifthingsgettooclose(and,thus,dangerousforthem).Infactthebestwaytheyhavefoundtoprotectthemselvesandtheirautonomyistoescape.Suchrelationshipswiththeirparentscouldtrulyhavefeltasprisons.Sooncetheyareout,whywouldtheywanttogoback.But,ofcourse,onlytoxicrelationshipcanfeellikeprisonsandasamatteroffact,asadultswecanalwaysendarelationshipifitturnsactuallytoxic(normally).Theproblemisthatfortheavoidanttypeanymisunderstandingordispute,orreproachcanfeelliketoxicandasiftheywerelosingtheirindependenceonceagain.Ofcourse,thereiscureandoneofthemisknowingyourselfandseeing,observingyourover-reactions,tryingtobemoreobjectiveetc.(truefortheanxioustypealsoandtrueingeneralwheneverouralarmsystemgetsactivatedapartfromthereallifethreateningsituation–infactwhenthesealarmsareon,inasensewedofeelattackedorinreallifethreateningdanger,ofcourseuncounsciouslyandnotexactlyinanobjectivemanner–itisthefearmechanism,thatgets,basically,activated.)Anyway,ifyourparentswereawayforalongperiodoftime,evenifitwasduetoworkandtheywerenottheretomeetyouremotionalneeds,thiscouldhavefeltabitthesame.Whatgooddoesitmakeifyourparentswereloving,andIamsuretheywere,ifyouknewyouwereloved,butyouwerebasicallyleftalonetofendforyourself?Inthiscaseiseasytolearnyoudonotreallyneedanyone,maybealsofromauncounsciousfearofnotbeingdissapointedorjustleftaloneagain.Orsimply,astheirabsencewassopainfulandyouhavelearnttocopewithyourownneeds,anyway,youareactuallynotusedwithbeingcloseorwithreachingoutforothersinordertomeetyourneeds.Idonotknowhowitisinyourcase,butitislogical.Childrenwhohavetotakecareofthemselvesearly,eveniftheyhavelovingparents,butthoseparentsworktoomuch,becomequicklyindependent,buttheymaylackthiswayofreachingout.Evenso,Ithinkthatiftheparentsarereallylovingandtheytrytocompensatebyconnectingmoreinthelittletimetheyhave(itcouldbeyourmum’scase),thechild,evenifdevelopingavoidantattachement,stillfeelsthisloveonadeeperlevelandmaybeasanadultitwouldbeeasiertohealanddevelopamoresecureattachement.Justanhypothesis. Reply WhatisthedifferencebetweenAvoidant/DismissiveandNarcissisticPersonalityDisorder?Seemslikeahighdegreeofoverlap. Reply Ipastedaquotebelowfromthisarticle.Whatdoesthismeanexactly?Thatthisisagenerationalproblemandifparentsdon’tgettheirattachmentissuesworkedoutthatitwillaffecttheirchildren?Thankyou. “AccordingtoDr.DanSiegel,attachmentresearchdemonstratesthat“thebestpredictorofachild’ssecurityofattachmentisnotwhathappenedtohisparentsaschildren,butratherhowhisparentsmadesenseofthosechildhoodexperiences.”Thekeyto“makingsense”ofyourlifeexperiencesistowriteacoherentnarrative,whichhelpsyouunderstandhowyourchildhoodexperiencesarestillaffectingyouinyourlifetoday.“ Reply Ifyouhaveatoddlerwhoseemstodisplaysignsofavoidantattachment,whatcanyoudoasaparenttochangethecourse? Reply Myhusbandleftmeforayoungerwomanafter40years,whoisveryaffectionatetowardshim.IhaverecentlyrealisedthatIpushedhimawaybecauseIhaveavoidantattachment.Mymotherwasalwaysbusycaringforherparentsandbrothers,ratherthanspendtimewithme,eventhoughshewasalovelyperson.Inearlyrepeatedthatbehaviourwithmychildren,becauseofabusycareer.IamchangingthatwiththemnowIhaveretired,andtrytoshowthemaffection.Itisprobablytoolateformetofindanewpartner,andIfeelthatIcausedaselffulfillingprophecy,eventhoughIlovedmyex.Ihavebeenbrokenbyhisleaving,buttruetostyle,Ihaveputawallaroundmyself,becomeselfsufficient,andspendalotoftimealone. Reply IhavebeeninrelationshipwithdismissiveavoidantWomanfor3yearsandIhavechangedfrombeingverypositive,optimistic,strongManintosomeoneconstantlydealingwithanxietyanddepression. Everytimewhenthingsweregettingtoonice,toolovingandtoointimateshewaspushingmeawayandbecomingselfish,uninterestedandrudeandcreatingabsolutelyunnecessarysillyissues,argumentsandthenwantingabreakupsayingsheisunabletocommitanddofullonrelationship. ButatthesametimesheusetocometomeandtellingmehowspecialIamandhowluckysheisthatshehasmeinherlifeandhowmuchshecaresaboutmeandlookforwardtolotstogether. Thiscyclecontinuedforabout3yearsandfewmonthsagoshedumpedmeagainandstartedcasual,sexonlyrelationshipwithsomebodyelse Iamnowthoughsufferingfromdepressionandanxiety. Dismissiveavoidantpeopleareunabletomaintainanyseriousrelationshipsandtheyarenotinterestedinchangingeither.! Reply “Youdon’tneedanyone.” “Don’tgettooinvolved.You’lljustbedisappointed.” “Menwon’tcommittoarelationship.” “Womenwilltrytotrapyou.” “Whydoeshe/shedemandsomuchfromyou?” “You’vegottoputupwithalottostayinvolvedwithaman/woman.” “Thereareother,moreimportantthingsinlifethanromance.” “You’vegottoprotectyourself.You’regoingtogethurtinthisrelationship.” “You’retoogoodforhim/her.” Seemslikeyetagain,realismisbeingclassifiedasadisorder.Whatmodernideologiesarewesupposedtobuyinto,inordertoavoidthisstigma,andhowmuchshouldwesuffer? Thatbeingsaid,Iseereflectionsofmyrelationshipwithmyownfatherinalotofthis. Reply HelloJoyce, Wouldyoubeabletoprovidemewiththecitationforthestudythatfound“avoidantattachmentpatterns,whichhavebeenidentifiedasrepresentingapproximately30%ofthegeneralpopulation”?Iamconductingresearchandamhavingtroublefindingtheratesofavoidantattachmentwithinthegeneralpopulation.Thankyouinadvance! Reply IthinkIhaveanavoidantattachment.Asachild,mymomleftmeafter2monthsofgivingbirthtoworkoutsidethecountry.MydadwasinanotherprovincewithmysiblingsandIwasraisedbymyAunt’sfamily.IpracticallygrewupbeingAuntandUncle’sdaughterbecauseIcallthemmomanddadandmycousinstreatedmeastheirownsibling. WhenIwasreadingthecontent,amemoryofmecryingwhenIwasachildsuddenlymademerealizesomething.Childrentendtobesillymostofthetimeandalsogetintotroublealot.IremembercryingbecausemyAunt(whomIcallmama)scoldedmeandIwascryinginthebackyardalone.Inthatmoment,Iremembercallingthename“mama”butIwasimaginingmybiologicalmomworkingoverseastocomeandcomfortherprincess.Butshedidn’tcome.IguessthoseincidentsoccuroftenwhereIenvisionhertocomehomeandcomfortme,butitneverhappened. Thenwhenshecamehome,Iwasexcitedbutalsofeltabsenceofsomething.Atthattime,wewereactuallyplanningtoimmigratetothecountrywhereshewasworking.Andwhenwewerealllivingtogether,itwaslikeIwaslivingwithstrangers.Ididn’tgettoknowmysiblings,mydad,ormymom. Aswecontinuetolivetogetherforyears,mymomanddaddivorcedandstuffhappened.Icontinuedtolivewithmymomandsiblingsandmaybetherewereinstanceswheremymomtriedtoconnectwithme.Butovertime,mymomjustscoldsus(she’sthestrongtypeofmom)andIcancountonmyfingerstheamountofhugsI’vereceivedfromher.AndIguessthat’salsowhyIdon’tlikehugsingeneral,Idon’tevenletmyfriendshugme,wellsometimesidobutifeeluncomfortablewhentheydo. AndthenIdon’tknowwhatcametome,butwhenIwasbrowsingtwitter,therewasthistweetthatsaid“ifeelsoaloneandlonely.”ThentherewasaquotethatIsawsayingthat“alonebutnotlonely”anduntilthenthatwaswhatIenvisionedmyselfas.IevensaidtomyselfthatIdon’tneedanyoneandialwaysconcludepeoplewhogivesmeintereststhatthey’llleaveanywayforsomeoneprettierandbetter. Butyeah,ijustrealizedthatIhavethisattachmentstylewhenmyprofwasdiscussingaboutthetypesofinfantsdevelopfromtheircaregivers.ButsometimesIdowonderifthere’llbeadaywhereIcanfullyexpresswhatIfeelandnotwhatIwanttocomeoffas. Reply IfoundthisarticletobeveryinterestingandIstumbledacrossthetermdismissiveavoidantattachmentbecauseIreadaboutitsomewhereelse.I’mnotsayingthisismeandwhyI’mnotinarelationship.HoweverIcansaythatpartsofwhatweresaidcanbesomewhattrue,becauseIdon’twanttobeinarelationshipjusttobeinone.IwanttobeinonebecausethemanandIwanttobetogether.Ifthere’saproblemthatcomesabout,wetalkaboutit,gothroughtheemotions,andworkonwhatcanbefixedandwhatcan’t.I’mthetypeofapersonthatwilltryifneedbeandifitdoesn’twork,thenohwell.Idon’thavetimetositaroundtryingtofixwhat’swrongwithsomeoneandI’mdefinitelynotonetobearoundsomeonethatneedsattentionallthetime.Thatannoysthehelloutofmetothehighestlevel.YesI’monly36andatthispointinmylife,Idon’tevenwanttogetmarriedbecauseIseenopointinit.Peoplefallinlovewiththeideaofbeingmarriedandtheyputwaytoomuchfocusonit.MarriagetomeisnothingbutworkandIjustcan’tseemyselfgettingallbeautifulforonedayjusttoimpressabunchofpeoplethatsaytheircongratsattheend.Sayingcongratulationsiseasyandonceeveryoneisgone,it’sjustthetwoofyoumakingyourmarriageworkforhoweverlongyouwantittobe.Ifthat’swhatpeoplewanttodowiththeirlives,morepowertothem.It’sjustnotformeatall.Iwasengagedonceanditwasgoingwelluntilitallendedbecausethemanatthetimedidsomethingreallystupidandhadtogotoprisonforfouryears.Iknewthenthatthatrelationshipwasoverandtherewouldn’tbeanytypeofmovingforward,oncehegotout.Iknewthatinmyheartbecausewhenpeoplegetoutofprison,they’reverydifferentindividualswhentheygetoutandIwasnotabouttospendanothersixmonthsnoryearstryingtohelphimfigurehimselfout.Itmaysoundselfishyetatthesametime,heshouldn’thavedonewhathedidtogetlockedup.MenthatendupinprisongiveyounothingbutemptypromisesandI’msogladthatIdidn’tfallforit.Fastforwardyearslater,I’minabetterplacebecauseIchosemeandwillcontinuetochooseme.I’mbetteroffbeingbymyselfversustryingtohelppeoplegetthemselvestogetherandIsaythisbecausewhyputenergyandtimeintosomeonewhentheymightleaveandgetwithsomeoneelse.Tome,that’snothingbuttime,energy,andeffortwastedandthat’sjustsomethingthatI’mnotwillingtodoanymore.Peoplecancallitwhatevertheywantyetthat’sjusthowIfeel.I’mgladIwasabletowritethisandgetitoffmychest. Reply InordertofunctionsexuallyainarelationshipIneedtokeepmypartnersatarmslength.IfIdon’tIlosealldesireortheperson.Thiswasn’taproblemwhenIwassingleasIwouldsimplyleavearelatioshipwhentheintimacyanxietycausedbymyDismissiveAvoidantAttachmentDisorderkicksin,usuallywithacoupleofweeksafterImeetsomebody.IhavesoughthelpwithanumberofTherapistsbutnonehavebeenabletohelp.Mymarriagehasbeensexlessfromthebeginningbecauseofthis. Reply Cananyonetellmeifinfidelitycanberesistedbyamanwithseveredismissiveattachmentproblemsorisitacompulsionthatcan’tbeovercome? Reply Iseemtohaveanavoidantattachmentstyle.Butthereisconfusion,IthinkmycaregiverwasfairlyresponsiveinmyearlyyearsbutIbecamedistantaround10’swhenmyyoungersiblingwasbornand Iwasthemiddlechildofthefamilyandmyfatherwasnotpresentinmyearlylifebecausehehadhisbusiness.SohowdidIenduphavingthisattachmentwhenthingswerepositive? Reply Ihavenotbeeninaromanticrelationshipin10yrs.Hadseverallongtermrelationships,mostlyabusiveanddysfunctional.Iam66andhavea27yroldson.Atthisage,ifeelreadyforarealrelationship.But…Ihavenotoleranceforanyonetryingtocontrol,useme,orbossmearound,letaloneabusemeinanyway.Mychildhoodwasriddledwithabuse,neglect,andabandonmentby2narcissists.Isitpossibleformetohaveahealthyrelationshipwithmyavoidanceissues?Itwouldbenicetohaveapartner,I’mtiredofgoingitalone,doingeverythingforandbymyself. Reply Idon’tknowwhysomeonewouldwanttochangefromavoidant.IwastoldthatiswhatIambythetherapistIhired-butthewomancouldneverexplainwhyIshouldchange.Idon’tmindit.Ihavenoideawhythatparticulartherapistwassoworkedupbyit.IthadnothingtodowithwhyIhiredthewomaninthefirstplace Reply Thisarticledescribesmyhusbandswholefamily.I’veseentheintergenerationaleffects.Anyin-lawsareintheir90s.Noonevisits.Noonecalls.Theirchildren–allgrown.Onemovedfaraway,hasnorelationshipwanyofus.Onesaalcoholicwhohad2kids,shetoavoidedemotionalconnectionwiththem.Onemovedfaraway…theotherineffortstoconnectonsomelevelwherMumalsobecameaalcoholic…thencocaine,thencrack…fentanylkilledher6monthsago.NOONEisspeakingofit….EVERYONEISAWOLEMOTIONALLY.Hersisterwon’ttalktoanyone.Mumsdrinkingmore(apparentlyokforsomeonewithMS?shesays?). Myhusbandof38yrshasavoidanceattachment.Ineverknewwhatitwasuntilnow.Itallmakessense.Healoof.Cold.Unempathetic.NowIknowwhatit’sbeensooooeasyforhimtoverballyabuseme.Oursonis30.I’veprotectedhimformthis.Igavehimasecurerelationship.HeandIloveeachotherunconditionally. ProblemisnowneitheroursonorIwillputupwithhiscrapanymore.Hewon’tevenattempttoseekhelp,makelifebetterforourfamily.Iamsickofthis.I’msodepressedbyit.Iwishhe’dsmartenup,careenoughtobebetterforus…..he’sstonecoldstubborn. It’ssodegradingtobegtobeloved. Reply LeaveaReplyCancelreplyYouremailaddresswillnotbepublished.Requiredfieldsaremarked*Comment*Name* Email* Δ 988Suicide&CrisisLifelineNowActiveAcrosstheUnitedStates! LearnMore MakingSenseofYourLife LearnMore PopularPosts infidelity infidelitylonelinessdeceptionlieliescheatingbreakuprelationshiptrouble Psychalive-PsychologyforEverydayLife TheLatestAreYouAbletoHoldHopeInLife?“Peoplewillforgetwhatyousaid. IHateMyself Formostofus,theexpression“youareyourownworstenemy”holdsalotoftruth. InaRelationshipwithaNarcissist?WhatYouNeedtoKnowAboutNarcissisticRelationships Narcissisticrelationshipsareformedwhenoneorbothpartnersstrugglewithanarcissisticpersonality. “NobodyLikesMe:”UnderstandingLonelinessandSelf-shame   Thereisperhapsnomorepainfulthoughtintheworldthanthatof“nobodylikesme. RelatedArticles HowtoChangeaHabitforGood:AccordingtoNeuroscience February24,2017Mostofuswalkaroundinthisworldinatrancewiththedelusionalbeliefthatweareonlyautonomous… DealingWithToday’sTrauma September1,2020Twoweeksago,Iwastalkingtoafriendwhohasbeendepressed.BecauseofCOVID-19andherage,she… HowToLoveAndEnjoyYourOwnBodyAgain,EspeciallyAfterSexualTrauma May21,2019Nomatterwhoyouare,feelingconfidentandattractiveintoday’sworldcanbeahugechallenge.Images,voicesand…