Avoidant Attachment Style: Causes And What To Do, Per ...

“Commonly, people with avoidant attachment don't prioritize partnership in their life,” says Pataky. “They are individuals who retract, hide, ... SearchAboutWomen'sHealthSubscribeShopSaleFitnessWeightLossMerchandiseEditors’PicksSex&LoveRelationshipsWeightLossKetoHealthFitnessFoodBeautyLifeHoroscopesValentine'sDayMother'sDaySummerGiftGuidesWorkoutWednesdayStyleHeartHealthMonthWHPromotions&EventsWHMHFitnessEquipmentNewsletterFollowFacebookTwitterGoogle+PinterestInstagramYoutubeWinUnitedStatesUSUKEspañaNederlandJapanDoNotSellMyPersonalInformationSkiptoContentHealthFitnessBeautyLifeRelationshipsSubscribesigninWomen'sHealthmayearncommissionfromthelinksonthispage,butweonlyfeatureproductswebelievein.WhyTrustUs?KlausVedfelt//GettyImagesEverbeencalledMissIndependence,arelationship-phobe,orcold-heartedbiotch(ouch!)?Eh,oddsaregoodthatyouhavesomethingcalledavoidantattachmentstyle.Avoidantattach-huh??Ifyouhaven’tbeenonMentalHealthTokorTheragram(that’stherapyInstagram),youmaynotbefamiliarwiththisortheotherattachmentstyles.So,it'swortharecap.Ready?Accordingtoattachmenttheory,psychologicaltheorydevelopedinthe1950sbymentalhealthprofessionalsJohnBowlbyandMaryAinsworth,thewayourcaregiverstreatandrelatetouswhenwe’rebabiessetstheblueprintforhowwetreatandrelatetoourfutureboos,explainsCarolinaPataky,PhD,asextherapistandfounderofSouthFlorida'sLoveDiscoveryInstitute.“Attachmentstylereferstothepatternsofrelationalbehaviorsthatwelearnwhenwe’reyoungthatshowupwhenwetrytocreate(oravoid)connectingwithothersinadulthood,”shesays.Whatgoesaroundcomesaround,indeed.Meettheexpert:CarolinaPataky,PhD,isasextherapistandfounderofSouthFlorida'sLoveDiscoveryInstitute.Accordingtothistheory,therearethreemainattachmentstyles:secureattachment,anxiousattachment,andavoidantattachment.(Though,somepsychologisttestssaythatthereisalsoananxious-avoidantordisorganizedattachmentstyle,too).Secureattachment,whichmorethanhalfofadultshave,isconsideredhealthyattachment—peoplewiththisattachmentstyletypicallyprioritizehumanconnection,butareneitherafraidofnorobsessiveaboutfindingorkeepingit.Theotherhalfofpeoplehaveoneoftwoinsecureformsofattachment:anxiousoravoidant.Peoplewithanxiousattachmentdesireromanceandconnection,butareusuallysoafraidoflosingitorbeingabandoned,theyinadvertentlyselfsabotage.Avoidantattachmentisessentiallytheinverseofanxiousattachment.“Commonly,peoplewithavoidantattachmentdon’tprioritizepartnershipintheirlife,”saysPataky.“Theyareindividualswhoretract,hide,andrefusetocommunicatetheiremotions,andwhooftenfeeluncomfortablewhensomeoneelseseeksoutemotional,physical,orotherformsofintimacy.”Feelalittletoo~seen~bythatdescriptionofavoidantattachment?Or,gettingatingeofdejavureadingadescriptionthatsoundsjustlikeyourcurrentboo?Fearnot.Yourattachmentstyleisnotsetinstonelikeyourbirthday.Yourattachmentstylecanevolveandshapeshiftthroughavarietyofthings,suchasmentalhealthsupport,positiverelationshipexperience,andlittleselfwork.Andactually,mostpeoplewhofallundertheavoidantattachmentstyleumbrelladon’tactuallyhatetheideaofhumanconnection,accordingtoPataky.“Theydespisetheideaofbeingrejectedbysomeonetheyareconnectedto.”(TBH,relatable).Ahead,learnmoreavoidantattachmentstyleandthewaysthisattachmentstylecanrearitshyper-independentheadinrelationships.Whatistheavoidantattachmentstyle?Overall,peoplewithavoidantattachmentstyleavoidromanticrelationshipsandemotionalbondsatallcosts.“Thesearethefolkswhotendtowithdrawwhensomeonetriestogettoknowtheirinnerworld,”Patakysays.“Theyarepeoplewhoavoidemotionalbondsanddonotseekoutanykindofsupportfromthosearoundthem,”shesays.RelatedStoryHowToBeMoreVulnerableInYourRelationshipWhenpeoplewithavoidantattachmentstyledofindthemselvesinromanticand/orsexualentanglements,theyoftenfindtheirpartner’sclingy,havenointerestinadvancingthroughtraditionalrelationshipmilestones,prefertofacedifficultsituationsalone,andputupawallwheneversomeonetriestohaveanemotionalconvowiththem,shesays.Asitgoes,I’mnottalkingaboutthis,Idon’tknow,andI’mnotsurewhyweneedtohavethisconversationarecommonconversationfodderforthesefolks.Howdoesanavoidantattachmentstyledevelop?Mostofthetime,peoplewhohaveavoidantattachmentinadulthoodhadguardianswhodidnotacknowledgeormeettheirneedswhentheywerelittle,saysPataky.Commonly,theparentsofthesefolkshadthemyoung,shesays.Though,sometimestheparentsweresimplygoingthroughtheirownpsychologicaldistressduringtheirchildhood.Forinstance,maybetheirownparentsdiedormaybetheirpartner(yourotherparent)leftthem.Thepainofeitherofthesesituationscouldresultintheparentbeingmorepreoccupiedwiththeirownhealing,insteadoftheirchild.Oof.Thiscontentisimportedfrompoll.Youmaybeabletofindthesamecontentinanotherformat,oryoumaybeabletofindmoreinformation,attheirwebsite.“Peoplecanalsodevelopthisattachmentstylethroughunstablelivingsituationsinchildhood,”addsPataky.Beingadopted,switchingfosterhomes,witnessingtheirparent'sdivorce,experiencingthedeathofoneorbothofyourparentsallcreatetheperfectscenariofordevelopingthisattachmentstyle,shesays.KidsinthesekindsofatmospheresneverhadsomeonetheycouldrelyonforconsistentTLC.Assuchtheyhadtolearntosurvivewithoutthatvalidation,support,orlovefromanexternalsource.“Inmanycasesthesekidshavetolearntodenytheimportanceoftheirfeelingstogether,”shesays.So,whenthesefolksreachadulthoodtheyhavenounderstandingofhowtoreceivethosetypesofcarefromsomeoneelse—orhowtoreceivethem.RelatedStoryWhatDoesItMeanToBeAromantic?Tobeclear:Havingavoidantattachmentisdifferentfrombeingaromantic.Indeed,peopleineachcategorymaylackinterestinromance.Butone(havingavoidantattachmentstyle)isgenerallyrootedinchildhoodtraumathat,ifaddressed,woulddrasticallychangethequalityofone’slifeifaddressed.Andtheother,(beingaromantic)isatotallynormalandhealthyidentitythatrequiresnointerventionfromamentalhealthcareprovider.Whatarethesignsofavoidantattachmentstyle?Putsimply,someonewithanavoidantattachmentstyleavoids,avoids,andavoidssomemore.Theyavoidgettingintoarelationship,theyavoidemotionalcloseness,theyavoidrelyingonothers.So,ifyouwanttoknowifsomeonehasavoidantattachmentPatakyrecommendsaskingyourselfwhetherornotthepersonleansintoorfleesfromcloseness.Whatverbalresponsedoyougetwhenyoutrytolearnmoreabouttheirinneremotionalworld?Iftheygetagitated,dismisstheimportanceoftheconvo,oraccuseyouofbeingneedyorclingy,theycouldhaveanavoidantattachmentstyle.Looktooattheirbodylanguageduringtheseencounters,suggestsPataky.“Theseindividualsusuallyphysicallywithdrawatthesignofintimacyandgetveryawkward.”Someonewithavoidantattachmentmighttrytoputphysicaldistancebetweenyou,forinstanceonthecouch,duringsuchexchange.Or,theymightstartchewingontheirsleeve,bitetheirnail,averttheireyes,bouncetheirknee,oractoutwhatevertheirpersonalanxiety-tellis.Learnmoreaboutyourattachmentstylehere:Ifyou’dconsiderthispersononeofthemostindependentpeopleyouknow,theymayalsohaveavoidantattachment.Sure,independenceisusuallyconsideredagood(nay,great!)personalitytrait.Butmostpeoplewithavoidantattachmentstyledidnothavesomeonetheycouldrelyongrowingup,sotheyoftenbecomehighlyindependent—usually,inordertosurvive.“Thesefolksrarelyputthemselvesinsituationswheretheyhavetorelyonsomeoneelseforanything,”saysPataky.Thatmayrevealitselfintheirrefusaltoletsomeonetakeoverdoingthelaundryordoingthegroceryshopping,oritmaybeshownintheirinabilitytoaskforwordsofencouragementorahugonatoughorstressfulday.Whatdoesavoidantattachmentlooklikeinrelationshipsanddating?Lettheofficialrecordshowthatpeoplewithavoidantattachmentcanbeinloving,mutuallyfulfillingrelationships.Sure,peoplewithavoidantattachmentmaybemorehesitanttogetintocommittedrelationships—butthatdoesn’tmeantheyneverdo.“Justbecauseanindividualdevelopedanavoidantattachment,thisdoesnotsentencethemtoalifeofsinglenessorfailedrelationships,”saysPataky.Noattachmentstyleispre-determinedtoalovelifeoreitherdoom-and-gloomnorlust-and-love.Afterall,loveandlifeismorenuancedthanpsychologicaltheorylaidout70yearsago.RelatedStory14SignsYou'reTotallyReadyToMoveInTogetherNow,peoplewithavoidantattachmentmayhavespecificrequirementsinordertofeelgoodintheirrelationship.Often,theyrequireadifferent(slower!)relationalpacecomparedthosedepictedinmostTVshows,accordingtoPataky.Forinstance,ifculturalnarrativessaycouplesshouldmoveintogetheraftertwoyears,peoplewithavoidantattachmentmaypreferwaitingthreeorfour.Peoplewithavoidantattachmentmayalsorequiremorealonetimeandpreferlessdigitalorin-personcheck-insbetweendatescomparedtopeoplewithotherattachmentstyles.“Ifyou’redatingsomeonewhoisdatingsomeonewithavoidantattachment,givethemsomespaceandsometimealoneevenifyouwanttobeattachedattheirhip,”saysPataky.“Thiscanhelpdeveloptrustandallowthemtodroptheirwallsovertime.”Ifoneormoreofthepeopleinarelationshiphasanavoidantattachmentstyle,Patakysaysitcanbenecessarytotakespacebetweendeepconversations.“Ifyou’rediscussingtopicsthattriggerdistressingemotions,takeamplebreaks,”shesuggests.“Beingpatientwiththemandallowingthemtopausetheconversationwhentheyneedtocanhelpthemfeellessoverwhelmedbytheirfeelings.”Youcouldbesuperintentionalwiththis.Let’ssayyou’retryingtofigureoutwhattodoforThanksgiving,youmightsay,I’dlovetotalkaboutthisfor15,giveusbothachancetosharewhatwewant,andthenreturntothisagainintwodaysoncewe’vehadtimetothinkaboutit.Easyenough!“Individualswithavoidantattachmentarealsopronetointerpretfeedbackascriticism,”saysPataky.Assuch,it’spossibleforanuncomfortableconversationtoturnintoabig‘olefightifnothandledwithcare.“Ingeneral,havingtheseconversationsinanon-threateningenvironmentandbeingintentionalwithyourlanguageisbest,”shesays.Goodadviceforatough-loveconvowithanyone,actually.Canyouchangeyourrelationshipstyle?Freakedoutbyhowspot-onsomeoftheabovedescriptorsareofyourownrelationshipbehavior?Breathe.Ifyouhaveaninsecureattachmentstyle(anxiousoravoidant),itispossibletohealyourwaytowardsahealthy,secureattachmentstyle.Tostartthatjourney,Patakyrecommendstherapy.“Therapyisanexcellentwayforpeoplewithavoidantattachmentstylestounderstandwheretheirrootissueslieandexactlyhowtheygrewuptoadaptthisspecificattachmentstyle,”shesays.Therighttherapist,shesays,willhelpyoureflectonyourchildhoodandseethewaysyourparentsdidordidnotshowupforyou.RelatedStory19RelationshipTherapistsToFollowOnIG,StatNodoubt,thatkindofback-loggingcanbepainful.Butitwillallowyouandyourtherapisttoidentifypatternsyouhadtoadaptinchildhoodthatnolongerserveyou,shesays.“Fromthere,yourtherapistcanhelpyoucomeupwithagameplanforrewiringthosepatterns.”Inotherwords,it’spainwithapurpose.“Overtime,doingthisinnerworkwillhelpyougainasenseofcontrolofyourfeelingsand,intheend,willallowyouandyour(future)partner(s)toenterahealthy,fulfillingspace,”saysPataky.Evenifarelationshipisthelastthingyouwantrightnow,youhavetoadmitthathealthyfulfillinglovesoundsprettydanggood—orattheveryleast,looksprettydanggood.Sogo,dearone,partnerwithamentalhealthcareproviderandgetyourhealingjourney.Thequalityofyourlovestorydependsonit.GabrielleKasselGabrielleKasselisaNewYork-basedsexandwellnesswriterandCrossFitLevel1Trainer.She'sbecomeamorningperson,testedover200vibrators,andwornhervaginal~essence~asperfume—allinthenameofjournalism.InadditiontoCosmopolitan,herworkhasappearedonWell&Good,Health,Shape,Women’sHealth,Greatist,andmore.Inherfreetime,Gabriellecanbefoundreadingromancenovels,bench-pressing,oryep,poledancing.FollowheronInstagramandTwitter.RelationshipsGemmaChanandDominicCooper’sBodyLanguageTheShortest‘Bachelor’NationRelationshipsAre'Bachelorette'RachelAndTinoStillTogether?Are'Bachelorette'GabbyAndErichStillTogether?Advertisement-ContinueReadingBelowAllTheSeason19'Bachelorette'FinaleSpoilersTaylorSwiftAndJoeAlwyn’sSynastryTomBrady&GiseleBündchenRelationshipTimelineBlakeLivelyAndRyanReynolds:AFullTimelineTylerStanalandAndBrittanySnow:ATimelineUpdate:LeoandGigiAren'tDatingJustYetJenniferLopez,BenAffleckRelationshipTimelineWhatIsTheKinseyScaleAndHowDoesItWork?Advertisement-ContinueReadingBelow