Toxic People and How to Deal with Them I Psych Central

Often the phrase “toxic person” is used to describe someone who is subtly or outwardly manipulative, self-centered, needy, or controlling. These ... What’saToxicPersonandHowtoDealwithThemMedicallyreviewedbyDanielleWade,LCSW—WrittenbyKimberlyDrake—UpdatedonNovember14,2021What’satoxicperson?RecognizingitSignsTipsforcopingNextstepsDoessomeoneinyourlifecontinuallyleaveyoufeelingconfused,frustrated,orguilty?Ifso,youmightbedealingwithatoxicperson.Here’showtocope.Theword“toxic”isusedtodescribeamyriadofhealth,social,andenvironmentalissues.Fromtoxicwastetotoxicworkplaces,thisbuzzwordisusedsooftenthatin2018,itwasnamedOxfordDictionariesWordoftheYear.Inhumanbehavior,toxicisusedtodescribesomeonewhocausesdistressinothersthroughnegativewordsandactions.However,itisn’talwayseasytoidentifyatoxicperson,astheirbehaviorscanbesubtle.Forexample,youmayhaveapersoninyourlifethatrepeatedlycausesyouconfusion,anxiety,andstress,butyou’renotsurewhy.So,howdoyouknowifsomeoneis“toxic”?Andhowcanyoucope?Herearesometipsonrecognizingtoxicbehaviorandhowtocopewiththem.What’satoxicperson?Thewordtoxiccanmeandifferentthingstodifferentpeople.Scientificallyspeaking,toxicisalabelplacedonsubstancesthatcancauseharm,suchaspoisonouschemicals.However,it’salsoatermusedtodefinebehaviorthatisunpleasantormalicioustowardsothers.Oftenthephrase“toxicperson”isusedtodescribesomeonewhoissubtlyoroutwardlymanipulative,self-centered,needy,orcontrolling.Thesebehaviorsmaymanifestfromunderlyingfeelingsoflowself-esteemandmentalhealthconditionssuchasnarcissisticpersonalitydisorder(NPD),childhoodtrauma,orotherdeeplyrootedpersonalissues.Inaddition,researchsuggeststhatsomepeoplewhobehaveintoxicwaysmayhavecertain“darkcore”personalitytraits.Thesetraitsmanifestasatendencytoputtheirgoalsandinterestsaboveallotherswhilejustifyingtheirbehaviortoavoidguiltorshame.However,justbecausetheremaybeareasonbehindthetoxicbehaviordoesn’tmakeitlessimpactful.Andifyou’reexperiencingthisfromanotherperson,itcanbeconfusing,hurtful,andmayevenmakeyoufeellikeyou’reatfault.Thereareseveralsignstolookoutforthatmayindicateyou’redealingwithapersonwhosebehaviorscouldbeconsideredtoxic.Howdoyourecognizetoxicbehaviors?Recognizinga“toxicperson”maybemoreaboutidentifyinghowtheymakeyoufeelratherthanwhattheydoorsay.Ifyou’reinteractingwithapersonwithtoxicbehaviors,youmay:feelconfusedandunsureofyourselfleavetheinteractionfeelingdrained,angry,orfullofanxietyfeelbadaboutyourselfinsomewaycontinuallyfeeltheneedtohelpthemnoticethatyourboundariesaren’tbeingrespectedoryou’rebeingmanipulatedexperienceguiltforsaying“no”orfeeltheywon’ttake“no”forafinalanswerfeellikeyou’re“walkingoneggshells”aroundthemfrequentlychangeyourbehaviortoadaptWhataresomesigns?Peoplewhotendtohavetoxicbehaviorsmightnotbeeasytospot.Butasidefromnotinghowtheymakeyoufeel,thereareafewsignstolookforthatindicateapersonmaybetoxic.Thesesignsincludethefollowing:Dramamayfollowthemeverywheretheygo,andtheirlifemayseemtohavethestorylineofaTVsoapopera.Theycanbemastersofmanipulation,yetyoumightnotnoticethisuntilyouwitnessthemdoingittosomeoneelse.Theymightconstantlyjudgeothers,includingyou.Theirneedinessmaybesuffocating,yetwhenyouneedthem,theydisappear.Theymaynotseethemselvesastheproblem—itmaybeeveryoneelse’sfault.Or,inthecaseoftoxicpositivity,theymaybesopositiveabouteverything,theyrefusetoadmitwhenchallengesgenuinelyexist.TipstocopewithtoxicpeopleIfyou’vedeterminedthatyou’redealingwithtoxicbehaviors,therearewaysyoucanlessentheimpactthesebehaviorsmayhaveonyourmentalhealthandwell-being.SetboundariesevenifitcreatesguiltWhendealingwithtoxicbehavior,knowingwheretodrawthelineiscritical.Thechallengeiseliminatingtheguiltandexercisingtheself-determinationneededtoplaceappropriateboundariesandsticktothem.Forexample,ifthetoxicitycomesfromaparent,youmayexperiencefeelingsofguiltifyouestablishboundarieswiththem—evenifit’sinyourbestinteresttodoso.Hesitationinsettingboundariesmayalsostemfromfearofhowthepersonwillreact,especiallyiftheytypicallyuseangryoutburststomanipulatetheoutcomeofasituation.However,maintainingclearlimitsastowhatyouwillorwon’tdoisanecessarysteptowardsmovingonandhealingfromthetoxicityyou’veexperienced.Eventhoughthisstepmaycreateguilt,it’shelpfultorememberthatnomatterhowmucheffortyouputintotherelationship,it’smaynotbeenough.AvoidgettingdrawnintothedramaAcommondenominatorintoxicbehaviorisdrama,whichcanappeartoinfiltrateeveryaspectoftheirlife.Evenatriptothegrocerystorecanresultinasituationwheresomethingnegativehappenstothem—andit’snevertheirfault.Still,it’seasyforotherstogetpulledintotheirdramabecauseofcuriosity.Researchsuggeststhatthiscuriositymaystemfromamorbidfascinationpeoplecanhavewithnegativeinformation.Simplyput,humannaturemaymakeusfeeldrawntohearingaboutotherpeople’stroubles.Butwhendealingwithtoxicbehavior,thiscanquicklyleadtoover-involvementanddifficultyseparatingyourselffromtheirproblems.Toavoidgettingsweptupinthechaos,considerignoringyourcuriositywhennecessaryandcommunicatingwiththemabouttheirtroublesonaneed-to-knowbasisonly.TalkwiththemaboutitSometimesapersonwhoexhibitstoxicbehaviormightnotbeawarethatwhatthey’redoingorsayingisharmingyou.Ifthisisthecase,considerhavingaheart-to-heartconversationaboutwhatyou’reexperiencing.Still,somepeoplemayhaveanunderlyingpersonalitydisorderorunaddressedmentalhealthconditionthatmaymakeeffectivecommunicationchallenging.Inthatcase,encouragingthemtotalkwithamentalhealthprofessionalaboutyourconcernsmightbemorebeneficial.ResisttryingtofixthingsThedesiretohelpanotherpersonwhenthey’rehavingdifficultiescanbeoverwhelming.Thisisespeciallytruewhenyoufeelyouhavegoodadvicethatmighthelpfixthesituation.However,attemptingtohelpmightturnintoafrustratingcycleoflisteningandadvisingwithnosolutioneverreached.Toavoidthis,itmayhelptoremembertheexpression,“Notmycircus,notmymonkeys,”andtrytoremainasuninvolvedaspossible.LimityourtimearoundthemIftherelationshipiscausingyouagreatdealofstressandharm,youmightwanttoconsidercuttingtiesandmovingon.However,thismaynotbepossibleifyoushareaworkplaceorco-parentwiththem.Inthatcase,it’sOKtodoyourbesttoavoidcontact,limitingyourselftodealingwiththemonlywhennecessary.Aboveall,ditchtheblameRemember:Youarenotatfault,nomatterhowhardthepersontriestoconvinceyouotherwise.Thenegativefeelingslikeanger,guilt,oranxietyyoumayexperiencearenotyourstobear.Instead,thesefeelingsareownedbythepersonwhoisprojectingthemontoyoutohelpthemfulfillunmetneeds.NextstepsIfyou’venoticedthesebehaviorsinpeoplearoundyou,youmaybedealingwitha“toxicperson.”Understandingwhythispersonmakesyoufeelthewayyoudocanhelpyouovercometoxicityandmoveonfromitinahealthyway.Still,ifyou’renotsurethepersoninquestionisbehavinginatoxicway,seekinganotheropinionfromamentalhealthprofessionalmightnotbeabadidea.Talkingwithsomeoneaboutthesituationmighthelpyoufindtheclarityyouneed.Onceyou’verecognizedthatyoumaybedealingwithtoxicbehaviors,considersettinghealthyboundaries,identifyingwaystolessenyourtimearoundthem,andworkingtowardshealingfromanyharmtheirbehaviorhascaused.LastmedicallyreviewedonNovember14,2021MedicallyreviewedbyDanielleWade,LCSW—WrittenbyKimberlyDrake—UpdatedonNovember14,2021RELATED10PointersforEndingToxicRelationshipsGoodVibesOnly:TheSubtleTrapofToxicPositivityWhatIsProjection?7LessonstoUnlearnfromaToxicChildhoodandHowtoDoItWhenLettingGoIsTough:HowtoEmotionallyDetachfromSomeoneReadthisnext10PointersforEndingToxicRelationshipsIfarelationshipistaxingyourmentalhealth,it'stimetoconsiderendingit.Here'showtoclosethatchapterandgettotheotherside.READMOREGoodVibesOnly:TheSubtleTrapofToxicPositivityMedicallyreviewedbyDanielleWade,LCSWIt'sOKtobepositiveaboutyoursituation,butwhenthatpositivityturnstoxic,itmaybetimetotryadifferentapproachtomanagingyour…READMOREWhatIsProjection?MedicallyreviewedbyJoslynJelinek,LCSWOftentimeswecanprojectourfeelingsontosomeoneelsewithoutevenknowingit.Butknowinghowtorecognizeitcanhelpyoumanageit.READMORE7LessonstoUnlearnfromaToxicChildhoodandHowtoDoItIfyou'veexperiencedatoxicchildhood,itcanbedifficulttounlearnthelessonstheexperiencehasingrainedinyou.Here'show.READMOREWhenLettingGoIsTough:HowtoEmotionallyDetachfromSomeoneDetachingfromarelationshipcanbechallenging,particularlyifyou’vebeenwiththispersonforalongtime.Butwhenyouremotionandphysical…READMOREFindaTherapist:MentalHealthResourcesforEveryoneMedicallyreviewedbyJoslynJelinek,LCSWWhenitcomestomentalhealth,there'sno"one-size-fits-all."Withthisdiversedirectory,youcanfindatherapistandresourcesspecifictoyour…READMORE7WaystoCreateEmotionalSafetyinYourRelationshipMedicallyreviewedbyJenniferLitner,LMFT,CSTInanemotionallysaferelationshipyoucantrulyexpressyourselfandshowupasyourmostauthenticself.Here'showtocreateemotionalsafety.READMOREHowtoIdentifyandDealwithGaslightingMedicallyreviewedbyJenniferLitner,LMFT,CSTGaslightingisatypeofemotionalabusecenteredaroundcontrol.Ifsomeoneistryingtomanipulateyouinthisway,howdoyourespond?READMOREHowtoSetBoundariesinYourRelationshipsMedicallyreviewedbyJenniferLitner,LMFT,CSTBoundariesaren'trules,let'sstartthere.Seewhatprinciplesarehealthfulandneededforarock-solidrelationship.READMOREGoingNoContactwithaParent:WhattoExpectandMoreGoingnocontactwithtoxicparentscanhavebenefits,butitalsocomeswithchallenges.READMORE