The Ins and Outs of Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment.

The Dismissive-Avoidant is afraid of, and can't tolerate true intimacy. They were raised to not depend on anyone, or reveal any feelings, so their first ... contactusaboutusBOOKblogalifeinperfectbalanceCENINFOHOMERebeccaChapman-INTUITIVETHERAPISTalifeinperfectbalancerebeccachapman -INTUITIVETHERAPISTTheInsandOutsofDismissive-AvoidantAttachment.Searchfor:IrecentlymovedfromabigcitytoareallysmallcountrytowninQueenslandAustraliaandmyhouseisabout5minutesfromabeach.Chancesare,whenI'vewrittenthis thatthat'swhereIam.Feetinthesand,staringattheoceanandworkingoutwhetherornotIwanttogoin.Strangethinghereisthatthewaterisreallywarm-likeabath.Tobehonest-itcanfeelabitcreepyonyourskin.So-Idon'talwaysgoin.I'llhavefoodonmyclothesforabsolutesureandmycarefactoraboutthatisabigZERO.I'mBECK!hello,   DismissiveAvoidantattachment.Veryimpressivesoundingwordsrightthere. Solet’sbeimpressiveandstartthiswholethingoffwithafewfacts.Loveafact. Firstly,we’reallhumansandwe’reallbuilttorelatetootherpeople.Butthiscangetcomplicated. Secondly,let’sagreethatpeopleneedeachother.Sometimesasmuch,ormore,thanweneedourselves.I’vetriedtofightit.Don’tbother.Peopleneedpeople.Mostofwhatwefeel,andlearn,canonlyhappeninrelationships. Lastly,itreallydoesn’tmatterifyou’reintrovertedorextroverted–weallstillneedpeople.So–yourpersonalitytypehasnothingtodowithhowmanyrelationshipsyouwant.Maybethetypesofrelationshipsmaychange–butnotthequantity. Weallcraveacceptancefromothers.That’swhy,whensomeonetellsus,“Ilikebeingaroundyou,”ourheartjumpsalittleextrabeatinhappinessbecause(a)wowI’mnotalonehereonearthafterall!!And(b)ohmygoodnesssomebodylikesmeenoughtotellmeabouttheirfeelings!!! Ourneedtobelong,whileniceandwarmandfuzzy,canpushusintorelationshipssuper-fast.It’salsowhywe’realmostalwaysreluctanttoendthem–evenwhenweknowthey’renotright.Damnthat‘needtobelong’.Iknow–right? Atbirth,we’reallwiredwithadesiretocreateandkeeprelationships.Infact,we’reborntotallyrelyingonotherpeople,andwithcompletetrustthatthey’llmeetallourneeds.Letthatsinkin.Wecompletelytrustthatwe’llhaveeverythingweneed. Troubleis,anytimeafterbirth,thiscanstarttogoabitpear-shaped. Mostlybecause–ourparentsarehumanstoo.Andtheyhavetheirownpasts. Hiccoughs,(ormajorburps),canhappenduringourchildhood.Theseprofoundlychangeourbeliefsaroundrelationshipsandotherpeople. Nobigsurprise–thetitleoftheblogpostmighthavegivenitaway.Today,we’retalkingaboutthetimesthatthese“burps”resultinachilddevelopingtheAttachmentStylecalled“Dismissive-Avoidant.”Ta-Da. AdultswithAvoidantAttachmentoftenstruggletousewordstodescribehowtheyfeel.And–theyHATEaskingforanyoftheiremotionalneedstobemetbysomeoneelse. Ifyou’rethepartnerofaDismissive,you’llknowthatthemoreyouaskforintimacyandaffection,themoreyou’llberejected. Themoredirectyouareaboutwhatyouneed,thegreatertherejection.Thisistheoppositeofwhatwe’retoldinRelationshipSelf-helpbooks.“Beclearwithwhatyouneed”–theysay.“Tellthemexactlyhowyoufeel”.TryingthiswithaDismissive-Avoidantwillnotbeaprettything.Nowonderyou’reconfused. Dismissivesareusuallytheoneswhoendrelationships.Theirrelationshipswithfriendsandfamilyoftensuffer. Now,thisallsoundsveryharsh–but–yup,that’showitlookstomostpeoplelookingon.Eventhoughthisbehaviourusuallycomesfromaplaceofhugeinsecurity–itlookstheopposite.Liketheythinkthey’retoogoodtoneedanyone. Let’slookathowthisallstarts? Betsareonthatsomeoneintheirchildhoodhasleftthemwithahugefearofintimacyandtheideathatconnectionwithanyoneisscary.Theywillhonestlybelievethatconnectionwithpeopleisn’tnecessary. Whentheirinnerneedsforconnectionandphysicalclosenessweren’tmet–thekidswithAvoidant-Attachmentstoppedseekingcloseness,and/orstoppedshowingemotion.BOOM.Majorburp. Here’ssomethingstheirparentsmighthavedonewhentheywerebabiesoryoungchildren,(usuallynotonpurpose),thatleadtoAvoidantAttachment. refusingtoacknowledgetheirchild’scriesorothershowsofdistressorfear. discouragingtheirchild’sdisplaysofemotionbytellingthemtostopcrying,growup,ortoughenup.(HTFU) becomingangryorleavingachildalonewhentheyshowsignsoffearordistress. shamingachildforshowingemotion. havingunrealisticexpectationsabouthowemotionallyandphysicallyindependentachildshouldbe. beinguncomfortablewithexpressingfeelingsthemselves. seeingalackofemotionalexpressionasbeingastrength.Bothinthemselves,theirkids,andotherpeople. Howdoesthislookwhenthepersonisanadult? Theydon’twanttodependonyou,andtheydon’twantyoutodependonthem.Theywanttheirfreedomandindependenceandwant(oratleastthinkthattheywant)youtobethesameway. Theyavoiddisplaysoffeelings.ThiscanrangefromPDAstosayinganythingintheleastbitaffectionate. TheysometimesactNarcissistically.But–theyaren’talwaysactualNarcissists.Dismissive-Attachersoftenseemtohaveahighopinionofthemselvesandarereallycriticalofotherpeople.Thisisoftenabigacttotryandavoidbeingcriticisedthemselves. Theydon’tmakeromanticrelationshipsnumber1.ApersonwithaDismissive-Avoidantattachmentstylewouldfindthatwaytoointense.Therelationship/partnerwouldbefarmoreimportantintheirlivesthantheywantittobe.So,theyrankitlowerthansomethingelse,likework,mates,sportorhobbies. Theypurposelypissoffapartnersothepartnerwon’twanttogettooclose.ADismissive-Attachermightflirtwithsomeoneelse.Ignoretheirpartner’stextsorcallsand/ormakedecisionswithouttheirpartner.Allthisisanefforttopushtheirpartneraway. Theytendtobeparanoidthatyou’retryingtocontrolthem.AnAnxiousAttacherisalwaysonthelookoutforwaysthattheirpartnerislosinginterestinthem.ADismissive-Attacherisalwaysonthelookoutforsignsthattheirpartneristryingtocontrolthemorlimittheirfreedom.Evenhealthy,“normal”relationship-typebehaviourwillcomeacrossascontrollingtothem.You’llbefightingalosingbattletryingtoarguethisone. Theyoftensay(orthink)“I’mnotreadytocommit”—buttheystay,nonetheless,sometimesforages.NeedImentionconfusionagain?Ijustdid.😊 Theyfocusontinyimperfectionsintheirpartner.Likethewaytheytalk,dress,eat,breathe–yougetmydrift.Thentheyobsessaboutthesethingsuntilitallgetsinthewayofanyromanticfeelings. Theymentionex-partnersasiftheyweretheultimateprizeandnooneelsewilleverbethatamazing.Truthis–thispersonmaynotevenactuallyexist.Thisistokeepyouonyourtoesandletsthembehalf-in,half-outoftherelationshipANDmakeityourfault.You’renotlivinguptotheiridealso–meh. Theyaren’tclearabouthowtheyfeel.Leavingyouguessing.Theymightsay“Well–I’mherearen’tI?”.Um–yes–but… Theypullawaywhenthingsaregoingwellorpickafightfornoreason. Theychaserelationshipswithunavailablepeople.Likemarriedpeople.Yes. They“checkoutmentally”whentheirpartneristalkingtothem. Theblankstare. Theykeepsecrets – oftenfornogoodreasonotherthantofeelseparateorsuperiortootherpeople. Theyavoidphysicalcloseness.Notwantingtosleepinthesamebed,notwantingtohavesex,walkingaheadoftheirpartner.Thephysicalaspectsoftherelationshipwillbeontheirterms. Theymightsaythatneedingothersisweak.Thatbeinginarelationshipishaving“toomanystringsattached”.Theold“ballandchain”. Theyoftendon’thavegreatrecallabouttheirchildhood.Thisletsthemforgetatimewhentheyneededotherpeople.Sotheydon’tneedtoprocessthepainofnotgettingwhattheyneededwhentheywerechildren. They’lloftensay“Whydoweneedtodredgethisstuffup”intherapyorarguments.“Thiswholethingisstupid”. Theyoftentalkabouttheirparentsinuncleartermsandtendtomakethemsoundamazing.Tomakeitweirder,youmighthearallabouthowamazingtheirmotherwas/is.Then–abitlater,orinagroupconversation,hearthatshegotdrunkoften.Andleftthemalone.Whatthe? They’llsayallthenegativethingstheirparentsdidwereactuallygood–becausethatbuilttheircharacter. Theyoftendon’trecognizethatseparationsfrompeoplehaveanemotionalimpactonthem.Whentheirpartner’saway,theymightgetobsessivelyfocusedonwork.Theymayevencelebratetheseparation(publically–likeonsocialmedia).Thenbestrangely,evencruellydistant,fromthepartnerwhentheydocomeback. Dismissiveslearntogettheirneedsforattention,sex,andcommunitymetthroughlessdemandingpartners(oftentheanxious-preoccupied!).Noonewillcatchallthe“feels”andwreckeverything. Theylearntodisguiseitwhentheydoneedcare/help.Theybecomegoodatusingallsortsofcontroltogetanotherpersontobethereforthem.Theyusuallyseekoutpeoplewhogivewithoutbeingasked. Whenyoustartdating,Avoidantscanbecharmingandhavelearntalltherightthingstosayanddo.Theydothiswell–butonlyforalittlewhile.Theyhaveanideaintheirheadofthe“ultimate”romanticpartnerandnoactualhumancanliveuptothis.Whenpeopledon’t,theystoppretendinganddiscardpeopleassoonastheycan. Becausetheyaren’treallyawareoftheirfeelings,theycan’ttalkabouttheminameaningfulway.Oftentherearenorealcluesbeforetheydumpyou.Theywon’thavehadthehardconversations. TheDismissive-Avoidantisafraidof,andcan’ttoleratetrueintimacy.Theywereraisedtonotdependonanyone,orrevealanyfeelings,sotheirfirstinstinctwhensomeonegetsclosetothem–istorunaway. Theytrytolimittheirexposuretotheirpartnersbymanipulatingtheirresponses,usuallybynotrespondingtomessages.Especiallyiftheirpartnersneedanyreassuranceabouthowtheyfeel. Theyletyouknowyou’relowontheirprioritylist.And,thatyourinneremotionalstateisyourproblem.Thisleavestheirpartnerfeelingreallyalone–butinarelationship.Again–confusion. Inextremecases,theycan’ttalkabouttheirfeelingsatall.Thissyndromeiscalledalexithymia.Thiswordmeans“havingnowordsforfeelings,”whichisnotquitethesamethingasnothavingfeelings.Intheworstcases,theycanonlyexpressthemselveswithintenseangerandtantrums.Orunexplainedphysicalsymptomslikestomachpains,headaches… Butdon’tletDismissive-Avoidantattachmentfoolyou. PeoplewithDismissive-AvoidantAttachmentcanlookfiercelyindependent,orevenlikeNarcissists.But–theirproblemsareusuallyallaboutlowself-esteem.ThesameassomeonewithanAnxiousAttachment. Dismissive-Attachmentcanbetoughtochange,becauseifyou’vegotthisattachmentstyle–I’llbetyoubelievethatit’sastrength.Thisreallydoesn’tmakechangeeasyorevensomethingyoumightwant. So–let’slookatthebestplacetostart: Realizethatyourattachmentstyleisunhealthyandprobscausingpeopleclosetoyouawholelottapain.Don’tgetmewrong–it’snotwrongtowantindependence.It’sjustuncooltoseekabsolutelynodependenceatallandtowantsomeonetohaveabsolutelynodependenceonyouatall.Inahealthyrelationship,bothpartnerstrusteachother.Theygiveeachotherroomtoexploretheirowninterestsandneedsbutknowsomeonehastheirback. Realizethatyourideaofwhatisclingyorneedymightbeskew-whiff.Justbecauseyouthinkyourpartnerisclingyandneedy,doesn’tmakeitthetruth.Youhaveasuper-sensitiveradarforanythingyouthinkisevenslightlyclingyandit’sgivingyousomefalsereadings.Trustmeonthat.Asksomeoneelse,who’llbehonestwithyou,togiveyouasecondopinionnexttimeyouthinksomeoneisbeing“tooneedy”. TrytoformrelationshipswithSecureAttachers,notAnxiousAttachers.OneofthebestwaysforInsecureAttacherstochangetheirstyleistohookupwithaSecureAttacher.Itdoesn’talwayswork.Itwon’tbeeasy–itwillfeelweird–butitwillbeeasierforyoutochangeifyou’reinteractingwithsomeonewho’sSecure. WhatcanIdoifmypartnerhasthisattachmentstyle? Myfirstquestiontoyou–“Areyouananxiousattacher?”AnxiousattachersandDismissiveAttachersarelikerelationshipmagnets.AnxiousAttachersgettheirsuspicionsthatthey’renotworthlovingconfirmedbyDismissiveAttachers.Dismissive-AttachersgettheirsuspicionsthatallpartnersareclingyconfirmedbyAnxiousAttachers.We’realldrawntopeoplewhoconfirmwhatwebelieveisthetruth.Eek. Don’ttalkinabsolutes.Youknow–“Youalways”,“Younever”“Completely”.Beincrediblycarefulofultimatums.Ifyousay,“Everythingyou’redoingneedstochangeorit’sover”,youprettymuchwon’tgetwhatyouwantfromyourpartner.Theycan’tjustchangelikethat.Youcouldtrysomethinglike,“Ineedyoutogetsomehelptochangesomeofthewaysyoureact/act.Ifyoudon’t,Ican’tstayinthisrelationshipbecauseithurtsmetoomuch.” Usefact–noopinion.Youmightneedsomehelpfromatherapisthere.DismissiveAttachersaresuper-sensitivetocriticism.Theywilllettheir‘rageflag’flyifyousaysomethinglike,“Youdon’tcareaboutmeandmyneedsatall!”Boom–Tanty.Maybe–trymentioningafact,suchas,“We’vebeendatingforayearandyouwon’tmeetmyfamily.”Noemotionalwords. Thinkaboutthebigpicturebeforeyouleave.Weallhaveattachmentstylesthatreactwithotherpeople.There’snoonerightansweraboutwhetheryoushouldleaveaDismissiveAttacherornot. Iwon’tevenbegintogetintoithere–it’stoocomplex. Ialwayssaythatweallhaveour“sh$$t”–youjustneedtofindsomeonewhoistakingcareoftheirown“S$$t”.Also–someonewhodoesn’tsetoffallyourinsecuritiesandwhoisopentoatruthfulconversationabouthowtheymightbeaffectingyou. Onthatnote–I’llleaveithere. Toosudden? Checkoutsomeoftheotherattachmentstylesandletmeknowwhichonesyouidentifywith.   YouknowIlovemail–soifyouhaveanyquestions,contactme. Otherwise. BigLove PS. Ifyou’vetriedmanythingsthatsimplyhaven’tworked…Butmostimportantly,ifyou’vebeenfeelingthepulltohavemebyyoursideasyourmentorandyou’rereadyfordeepsupportasyoufindyourwaybacktoyourtruestself…clickheretohavea15-minutediscoverycall–orjustbookyourfirstsession. Ican’twaittobeyourwingman.  https://bookingpagealifeinperfectbalance.as.me/         Sharethis:TwitterFacebook«HowtoCrapAllOveryourRelationshipsasanAdult.PreviousPostNextPostbacktobloghomeAllIneedisyouremailandlifelongdevotion. Jokin'-justtheemailandyou'llgetallthelatestinfoonMarriage,Relationships,ChildhoodEmotionalNeglect, &Life. Yourinformationwillbekept100%privateandyoucanunsubscribeatanytime. Let'sbeBesties →FAQBOOKreviewsALIFEINPERFECTBALANCESENDMEANOTE>GETONTHELIST>followalong onInstagram:TermsandconditionsPRIVACYABN41706310900mediakitOurbusinesswasfoundedonthelandoftheTraditionalOwnerstheButchulla(Badtjala)People. WerecognisetheirconnectiontoCountry(land,seaandsky)andrecognisethemanyplacesofcultural,spiritual,socialandeconomicsignificanceinthecommunity.WepayrespectstotheirElders–past,presentandemerging. BOOKNOWBLOGcontactCOACHINGreviewsAboutCENHomealifeinperfectbalance