Anxious Preoccupied Attachment: Signs, Causes + How To Heal

An anxious preoccupied attachment style, otherwise known as an anxious attachment style, describes a person with a sensitive attachment system ... Skiptocontent # mindbodygreen CloseAd Navigation MainNavigation WhatIsTheAnxiousPreoccupiedAttachmentStyle?9Signs&HowToHeal HealthCoaching Classes Shop Login Profile SavedArticles Orders&Tracking Classes ContactSupport LogOut Yourcartisempty. Ouronlineclassesandtrainingprogramsallowyoutolearnfromexpertsfromanywhereintheworld. ExploreClasses mbgShop 0 VIEWSHOPCART mbgCalm 0 VIEWCALMCART mbgClasses 0 VIEWCLASSCART SubcategoryNavigation mindfulness health food movement beauty home socialgood parenting more astrology planet relationships lifestyle Love WhatIsTheAnxiousPreoccupiedAttachmentStyle?9Signs&HowToHeal | ExpertReviewed WhatIsTheAnxiousPreoccupiedAttachmentStyle?9Signs&HowToHeal WhatIsTheAnxiousPreoccupiedAttachmentStyle?9Signs&HowToHeal RelationshipCoach ByJulieNguyen RelationshipCoach JulieNguyenisarelationshipcoach,Enneagrameducator,andformermatchmakerbasedinNewYork.ShehasadegreeinCommunicationandPublicRelationsfromPurdueUniversity. Expertreviewby ChaminAjjan,LCSW,A-CBT,CST ASSECT-certifiedsextherapist ChaminAjjan,LCSW,A-CBT,CST,isalicensedclinicalsocialworker,psychotherapist,andAASECT-certifiedsextherapistbasedinBrooklyn,NY. WhatIsTheAnxiousPreoccupiedAttachmentStyle?9Signs&HowToHeal WhatIsTheAnxiousPreoccupiedAttachmentStyle?9Signs&HowToHeal WhatIsTheAnxiousPreoccupiedAttachmentStyle?9Signs&HowToHeal WhatIsTheAnxiousPreoccupiedAttachmentStyle?9Signs&HowToHeal WhatIsTheAnxiousPreoccupiedAttachmentStyle?9Signs&HowToHeal WhatIsTheAnxiousPreoccupiedAttachmentStyle?9Signs&HowToHeal WhatIsTheAnxiousPreoccupiedAttachmentStyle?9Signs&HowToHeal Imageby KaylaSnell /Stocksy WhatIsTheAnxiousPreoccupiedAttachmentStyle?9Signs&HowToHeal August21,2022 Shareon: Shareon: WhatIsTheAnxiousPreoccupiedAttachmentStyle?9Signs&HowToHeal WhatIsTheAnxiousPreoccupiedAttachmentStyle?9Signs&HowToHeal WhatIsTheAnxiousPreoccupiedAttachmentStyle?9Signs&HowToHeal WhatIsTheAnxiousPreoccupiedAttachmentStyle?9Signs&HowToHeal WhatIsTheAnxiousPreoccupiedAttachmentStyle?9Signs&HowToHeal Whenyoudatesomeoneyoulike,youcan'tgetenoughofthem.Youalwayswanttoknowwhatthey'redoing,whothey'rehangingoutwith,andhowmuchtheywanttobewithyou.Evenwhenyoudoreceivevalidationfromthem,itstilldoesn'tfeelquiteright.Iftheyneedtimeforthemselves,youcan'thelpbuttaketheirbehaviorasasignofrejection.Eventhelittlestnegativemoodshiftfromthemcanhaveyoudreaminguptheworst-casescenarios.Iftheseinsecuritiesareacommonthemeinyourdatinglife,youmaybestrugglingwithananxiouspreoccupiedattachmentstyle.  Understandingattachmenttheory.  Basedontheirworkstudyingchildrenandattachmentinthe1950s,psychologistMaryAinsworthandpsychiatristJohnBowlbyhypothesizedourearlychildhoodexperienceswithourcaregiverscancreatearelationalblueprinttohowweformandmaintainattachmentsasanadult.Theycalledtheconcept"theattachmenttheory."Theattachmenttheoryoutlinesfourattachmentstylesweallfallinto:secure,avoidant,anxious,orfearful-avoidant.Whiletheseattachmentstylesareinitiallybuiltinchildhood,thebehaviorsareelasticandcanshiftovertimedependingonlifeexperiences,relationshippatterns,andpersonalgrowth. Here'sanoverviewofeachstyle:  Securelyattachedpeoplehadearlychildhoodexperienceswheretheiremotions,needs,anddesireswereconsistentlymet.Inresponse,thiscreatesanattachmentstylewheretheindividualisemotionallyavailable,comfortableininterdependentrelationships,andabletoeasilystatetheirfeelingstoothers. Avoidantlyattachedpeoplehadearlyexperienceswheretheydidnotconsistentlyreceivethecareandattentiontowardtheiremotions,needs,anddesires.Inresponse,thiscreatesanattachmentstylewheretheindividualhasahyper-independentpersonalitythatrepressesintimacy,pushesothersaway,andexhibitsaloofdatingbehaviors. Anxiouslyattachedpeoplehadearlyexperienceswheretheiremotions,needs,anddesireswereunpredictablymetbytheircaregivers.Thiscreatesanattachmentstylewheretheindividualisoftendoubtfulinrelationshipswithastrongcravingforconnectionandconstantvalidation. Fearfulavoidantattachedpeoplehadearlychildhoodexperienceswherecaregivingmayhavebeentraumaticorotherwisetroubled.Withacombinationoftheavoidantandanxiousattachmenttraits,theydesperatelywanttoinvitepeopleinbutfearintimacyatthesametime,sotheirrelationshipsareoftenfullofturmoil. Advertisement Thisadisdisplayedusingthirdpartycontentandwedonotcontrolitsaccessibilityfeatures. Whatisananxiouspreoccupiedattachmentstyle? Ananxiouspreoccupiedattachmentstyle,otherwiseknownasananxiousattachmentstyle,describesapersonwithasensitiveattachmentsystemthatintenselydesiresclosenesstothepointof"merging"intheirromanticrelationships."Thisleadstheanxiouslyattachedpersontooftenfeeluneasyaboutrelationshipsdespiteastrongdesiretofeelintimatelyconnected,"licensedmentalhealthcounselorJor-ElCaraballo,LMHC,tellsmbg.Thesefeelingsmotivatesometimesunhealthybehaviorsthatattempttomaintaintherelationship,headds.Thiscanlooklikebeinghypervigilantforanyfactorsthatmaythreatentherelationship,beinguncertainaboutsomeone'sfeelingstowardthem,andneedingconstantreassurance.Peoplewithananxiouspreoccupiedattachmentstylerelyontheirexternalrelationshipstofulfilltheirinnerself-worth,leadingtoanunmooredsenseofselfthatconstantlyshiftsbasedontheirpartner'stransientbehaviors.AslicensedpsychotherapistLingLam,Ph.D.,MFT,explainstombg,theanxious-preoccupiedindividualisfilledwithanxietyaboutthepossibilityofrejectionandabandonment,sotheybecomepreoccupiedwithseekingoutandmaintainingrelationshipstofeelsafe.  Howtheanxiouspreoccupiedstyledevelops.  AccordingtoLam,attachmentstylesareinfluencedbygenetics,earlyattachmentexperiences,cumulativerelationalexperiences,andtraumaticstress.Evolutionarilyspeaking,humanbrainsarebornpremature,andmanyareasofthebrainarenotfullywiredjustyet."Earlyattachmentexperiencesbetweentheyoungchildandthecaregivers,therefore,haveasignificantimpactonthe'relationalsoftware'inthebrain,"Lamexplains."Thereisacertainthresholdforthebraintointernalizeasecureattachmenttemplate,[whichdevelopsthrough]about30%attunementandtherest[through]naturalruptureandrepair."Withoutproperattunement,thechildinternalizesaninsecureattachmenttemplate.Inthecaseoftheanxiouspreoccupiedattachmentstyle,achildwhogrewupwithinconsistentcaregivingfeelsconfusedabouttheircaregiver'sabilitytobethereforthem.Sometimestheywerethere,andsometimestheywerenot.Becausetheyneverexperiencedthecompletesafetyandsecuritytheyneededtoestablishastrongself-worth,thismanifestsintoanattachmentstylefullofdoubtabouttheircaregiver'sbehaviorsandlove.Withoutthatsecurity,theygrowupfearfulofsomeone'sabilitytotrulybethereforthemandlovethembackthewaytheywant. Thiscausestheanxious-preoccupiedpersontofeeldeeplyinsecure,yetdependent,intheirromanticrelationships.Lateron,theymayrepeatthesamedramaofuncertaintyasanadultbecauseitsecretlyreaffirmstheirnegativebeliefsaboutthemselvesandlove.  Commonsignsofanxiouspreoccupiedattachment. Youhatebeingsingle.  "Youhaveadeeplongingforintimateconnections.It'shardforyoutobealoneasyoufeeloverwhelmedbyasenseofemptinessinstead,"Lamsays.Tofillthevoid,youlookforsomeone,anyone,asadistraction.Ifyoufindyourselfdatingconstantlyorgoingfromonerelationshiptoanotherwithoutmuchtimeinbetween,thatcanbearedflag.Itmaysignifythatyouareafraidofbeingsingle,soyoualwayshavesomeoneinyourlife—eveniftheyaren'tthehealthiestpartner. Youfantasizeabouttheperfectpartnerconstantly. Sinceyouarelookingfortheone,youmayelevateyourpartnerstothepointwhereyouaren'tabletoseethemclearly.Evenwhenyou'redatingsomeone,youmaystillharborfantasiesabouttherightpersonwhowill"complete"youandgiveyoueverythingyou'relookingfor.Yettheemotionalavailabilityyou'redesiringinapartneristoomassiveforonepersontohold—andsothesearchneverends.  Lowself-esteemandnegativeself-beliefs.  Youonlyfeelwholeifsomeoneisconfirmingyourexistenceinsomeway.Youtendtobecriticaltowardyourselfandlookforconstantapprovalinothers,butitneverfullysatisfiesyou.Ifyouharborfearsthatyouarenotlovableorgoodenough,Lamsaysthiscouldbeanindicationthatyouhaveananxiouspreoccupiedattachmentstyle.  Youmoldyourselftothepersonyou'redating. Oneofthebigcontributorstoananxiouspreoccupiedattachmentstyleishavingahighopinionofotherpeoplewhilehavingalowopinionofyourself.Withoutsomeoneelseinthepicture,it'shardtoknowwhoyouareorthepersonyouwanttobe.Becauseyouwanttobetheperfectpartnertothem,youmirrortheirbehaviorsandmayinadvertentlyloseyourselfintheirinterests,friendgroups,andhobbies.  Youengageinprotestbehaviors. "Youmayengageinprotectivemechanismslikepushingpeopleawaybecauseofyouranxietyinrelationships,"Lamsays."Thismanifestsinapush-pullbehavioraldynamicinarelationship,whichcanbeconfusingtoyourpartner."Becauseyourattachmentsystemiswiredtonoticethetiniestdiscrepancyinemotionalbehavior,youfeelinsecureandneedyuntilyourpartnerreestablishesconnectionsoyoufeelsafeagain.  Youcouldbedescribedas"clingy"inrelationships. Whenyou'reinarelationship,theworlddisappears.Workslips.Yourhobbiesfadeintothebackground.Yourfriendscomplainaboutyourabsence.Everythingbecomesaboutspendingasmuchtimewithyourpartneraspossible,whichleadstoanimbalanceinyourlife.You'reafraidyourpartnerwillleaveyouiftheydistancethemselvesinanyway,soyouwanttohangoutwiththemasmuchaspossible.  Youneedverbalreassuranceoften. "Youmayoftenseekreassuranceevenifit'sbeenprovidedandiscongruent,oraligned,withyourpartner'sbehavior,"Caraballosays."Thedifficultytrustingthevalidityorsustainabilityoftherelationshiptendstodrivethisperspectiveontherelationship."Yourpartnermightgoaboveandbeyondwiththeirvalidation,butyoustillfeeldesperateformorebecauseyouaren'tfulfillingyourworthonyourown.  Youdisplayterritorialbehaviorinrelationships. Caraballosaysanxiouslyattachedpartnersdon'talwayspresentasmeekinrelationships.Instead,youmaycomeacrossasjealousoroverlyprotectiveofyourpartnerandtherelationship.Ifyoufindyourselfbarringyourpartnerfromseeingparticularfriendsorcertainactivitiesbecauseofyourinsecurities,takenote.Forexample,iftheydon'ttextyoubackrightaway,youmayfindyourselfcallingthemfrequentlyuntiltheypickup,oryouwithholdandtakelongertogetbacktothemwhentheyeventuallyrespond.Oriftheygoout,youmaytrytomakethemjealousbygoingouttotheclubwithyourfriends.  Checkingyourpartner'sphone. Ifyoualwayswanttosharelocations,knowyourS.O.'spassword,orsecretlychecktheirphonebehindtheirback—thisisahugetell."Thisisoftenduetopreviousrelationshiptraumaofbeingdeceivedorcheatedon,"Caraballoadds."Thiscanleadtoongoingfeelingsofinsecurity,lowself-esteem,andparanoia."  Datingwithananxiouspreoccupiedstyle.  Ifthisresonateswithyou,that'sOK.A2015studypublishedbytheUniversityofDenverfoundthat20%ofthepopulationhadananxiousattachmentstyle.Beingabletounderstandthepatternisthefirststepinhealing.Here'swhattodonext:  Challengeyournegativebeliefs. Asananxiouslyattacheddater,yourmindisfine-tunedtoexpectabandonmentandrejectionfromyourpartner."It'shelpfultomindfullynoticethenegativebeliefsandchallengethemasappropriate,"Lamnotes.Plus,hesaysexperiencingsafetyandsecuritywillhelpyouheal."Overtime,youcaninternalizethatsenseofsecuritytosoothethefeargeneratedbythenegativeself-beliefs."  Tellyourpartnerwhenyou'refeelingdistressed. Ifyourpartnerneedstimealone,insteadofaskingyourpartneriftheyreallyloveyou,sharewhat'shappeningwithyouinternally.Itcanbescarytoadmityoufeellikeyou'regoingtobeabandonediftheydon'twanttohangoutwithyou,butit'llhelppreventthe"protestbehavior"whenyoutellyourpartnerwhyyou'refeelingactivated.Beingabletoshareyouremotionsandaskforwhatyouneedfromyourpartnercreatesanopeningforvulnerability.Youcanfeelsafeinyourbodyknowingyoucanadvocateforyourself,andyourpartnercantellyouthereasoningbehindtheirbehaviorsoyoudon'thavetosecond-guess.  Askforpatience.  Youareveryperceptivetotherelationship,andyoumayplaygamestoproveyourpartnerreallywantstobewithyou,whichcreatesalotofturmoilinthepartnership.Caraballoconfirmsthiscomesdowntothefactthatyouneedalotofreassurancefromyourpartner.Whileyou'relearningtocurbthesebehaviors,youcanaskyourpartnertopracticesomepatiencewithyou:"Yourpartnerwoulddogoodbyleadingwithcompassionandpatiencetobehaviorthatoftenseemsendearingatfirstbutcanbecomedifficulttositwithovertime,"hesays.  Beconsistentandbalancedthroughouttheirtriggers.  Sinceyou'reusedtorockinessinyourrelationships,youmayrepeatthesamehotandcoldbehaviorintherelationship.Consistencyisthekeytounlockingthepathwaytowardasecureattachmentstyle.Onbothsides,besteadywiththerelationshipandcreatebalancewheneveryoucan.Forthepersondatingsomeonewithananxiouspreoccupiedattachmentstyle,thiscanlooklikecallingwhenyousayyou'regoingto,followingthroughonyourcommitments,andstayingsteadyinthefaceoftheirinsecurities.  Reachfortransparencyinsteadofreassurance.  Caraballosuggestsbeingassertivewithyourcommunicationstyleandexpressingyouremotionstodevelopaclearunderstandingoftherelationship.Yes,thisincludesthepositivesandnegativestoo.Forthepersondatingsomeonewithananxiouspreoccupiedattachmentstyle,it'simportanttovalidateandnotdismisstheirfeelings.Tohelpthemhaveamoresecureattachment,youcanshareyourpositivefeelingsaboutthemoften.Althoughyoubelieveyouaresendingclearsignalsthatyoulovethem,youranxious-preoccupiedpartnerhasanattachmentstylethattellsthemotherwise.Itcouldbeassimpleasproactivelycheckinguponthemortellingthemyoucareaboutthem.Eventhoughitfeelsconstantonyourside,letthemknowanyway.Theanxiouslyattachedpersonwillappreciateit.  Resolvingtheissuesandhealing.  Healingfromanattachmentstyledoesn'thappeninisolation.Ithappensinthecommunity.Caraballosaysthatittakesself-worktomovetowardasecureattachmentstyle,butthatworkcanbebestdonewithinarelationship.Theserelationshipsincludemorethanjusttheromanticones—theycanincludeyourfriends,family,pets,andevenyourtherapist. "Therapistscanprovetobepowerfulalliesandsoundingboardstoworkthroughpastrelationshiphurtandworkthroughproblematicwaysofcopingwithrelationshipanxiety,"headvises."Workingthroughthisincouples,orindividual,therapycanbetremendouslyhelpfulinlearningnewskillsandstrategiesforthepartnership."  Thetakeaway. Overcomingananxiouspreoccupiedattachmentsystemtakeswork,butit'llbegoodworktorewireyournervoussystemandachievesecurity.Don'tbediscouragedifittakestimetocreateasecureattachmenttoyourself.Rememberthatyouarerewritingfundamentalbeliefsaboutyourselfthathavepreviouslyblockedyoufromhavingarelationshipwithyourselfandothersthat'srootedinunconditionalandgenerouslove.Offeryourselfallofthetendernessandcompassionyoushouldhavereceivedasachildsoyoucanfeelempoweredtoinstillhealthyhabitsthatgiveyoutherelationshipsyoutrulywant. ResetYourGut SignupforourFREEdoctor-approvedguthealthguidefeaturingshoppinglists,recipes,andtips SIGNUP Youarenowsubscribed Beonthelookoutforawelcomeemailinyourinbox! JulieNguyen RelationshipCoach JulieNguyenisawriter,certifiedrelationshipcoach,Enneagrameducator,andformermatchmakerbasedinBrooklyn,NewYork.ShehasadegreeinCommunicationandPublicRelations... 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