How to Deal With Toxic People: 17 Tips - Healthline

People who behave toxically tend to focus on themselves and what they want. They might blame you or other people for any problems they have and show little ... HealthlineHealthConditionsDiscoverPlanConnectSubscribeDo’sandDon’tsforDealingwithToxicBehaviorMedicallyreviewedbyJanetBrito,Ph.D.,LCSW,CST—WrittenbyCrystalRaypoleonNovember20,2019SticktorealityDon'tjoininUnderstandyourfeelingsTalktothemPrioritizeyourneedsDon'ttrytofixthemWalkawayStayneutralBeunavailableLimityourtimeWhenyoucan'tavoidthemTakeawayShareonPinterestWeallknowthatperson—theonewholeavesyoufeelingworseoffafterinteractingwiththem.Maybeit’samanipulativefamilymemberoraco-workerwhocan’tstopcomplainingabouteverylittlething.It’scommontorefertothesepeopleasbeingtoxic.Butit’simportanttokeepinmindthatthistermisn’tgroundedinpsychologyanddoesn’thaveasimpledefinition.Ifyouhaveahardtimedealingwithsomeoneinyourlife,it’shelpfultostartbypinpointingproblematicbehaviors,ratherthansimplylabelingthemasbeingtoxic.BarrieSueskind,atherapistinLosAngeleswhospecializesinrelationships,sharessomekeysignsoftoxicity:self-absorptionorself-centerednessmanipulationandotheremotionalabusedishonestyanddeceitdifficultyofferingcompassiontoothersatendencytocreatedramaorconflictSoundlikefamiliar?Readonfortipsonhowtorespondtothistypeofbehavior.AvoidplayingintotheirrealitySomepeoplehaveatendencytoseethemselvesasthevictimineverysituation.Iftheymessup,theymightshifttheblametosomeoneelseortellastorythatpaintstheminamorepositivelight.Youmightfeeltemptedtonodandsmileinordertopreventanangryoutburst.Thismightfeellikethesafestoption,butitcanalsoencouragethemtoseeyouasasupporter.Tryrespectfuldisagreementinstead.Youmightsay,“Ihadadifferenttakeonthesituation,”anddescribewhatreallyhappened.Sticktothefacts,withoutmakingaccusations.Whileyourdisagreementmightupsetthem,itmightalsolowerthechancesthey’lltryinvolvingyouagain.Don’tgetdrawnin Dealingwithsomeone’stoxicbehaviorcanbeexhausting.Thepersonmightconstantlycomplainaboutothers,alwayshaveanewstoryaboutunfairtreatment,orevenaccuseyouofwrongingthemornotcaringabouttheirneeds.Resisttheurgetojumponthecomplainingtrainwiththemordefendyourselfagainstaccusations.Instead,respondwithasimple,“I’msorryyoufeelthatway,”andleaveitatthat.PayattentiontohowtheymakeyoufeelSometimessimplybecomingmoreawareofhowsomeone’stoxicbehavioraffectsyoucanhelpyoubetternavigateinteractionswiththem.Mostpeopleoccasionallysayrudeorhurtfulthingstheydon’tmean.Noonefeelstheirbestallthetime,andbeinginabadmoodcanmakeyoulashout.Thisisn’tnecessarilytoxic.Butaskyourselfifput-downs,lies,orothertypesofemotionalandverbalabusecharacterizemostofyourinteractions.Dotheyapologizeorseemtonoticehowwhattheysayordoaffectsyou?Personalstrugglesdon’texcuseabuse,andyoudon’thavetoacceptit,either.TalktothemabouttheirbehaviorSomeonewhogossips,manipulatesothers,orcreatesdramaticsituationsnightnotrealizehowtheirbehavioraffectsyouoranyoneelse.Anopenconversationmayhelpthemrealizethisbehaviorisunacceptable.Tokeepthingsneutral,trytostickto“Istatements,”whichfeellessaccusatoryfortheotherperson,andsetboundariesthatworkforyou.Herearesomeexamplesofthisinaction:“IfeeluncomfortablewhenIhearunkindthingsaboutourco-workers.Iwon’tparticipateinthoseconversations.”“Ivaluetrustinfriendship,soIcan’tcontinuethisfriendshipifyoulietomeagain.Putyourselffirst Ontheflipside,behaviordoesn’thavetobeabuseorspitefultobetoxic.Otherbehaviorscanbejustasdamaging.Maybethepersoninquestion“desperatelyneeds”yourhelptogetthemoutofabind—everytimeyouseethem.Or,Sueskindsays,“you’realwaysgivingandthey’realwaystaking,oryoufeelliketheiremotionalstabilitydependsonyou.”Youmightvalueyourrelationshipwiththisperson,butdon’toffersupportattheriskofyourownwell-being.“Healthyrelationshipsinvolvegiveandtake,”Sueskindexplains.Inotherwords,youoffersupport,butyoureceivesupport,too.Takingcareofyourselfinvolvesmakingsureyouhaveenoughemotionalenergytomeetyourownneeds.Thismaynothappenwhenyou’regivingeverythingtosomeonewhodoesn’tofferanythinginreturn.Offercompassion,butdon’ttrytofixthemPeoplecanchange,buttheyhavetobewillingtoputintheworktodoso.Youmightwanttohelpsomeoneyoucareaboutinsteadofwritingthemcompletelyoutofyourlife.But,whileyoucanalwaysoffercompassionandkindness,youlikelywon’tbeabletochangethem.Attheendoftheday,theyhavetocommittoputtingintheeffort.Tryingtohelpsomeonechangebeforethey’rereadycansapyouremotionalresourcesfurther.Sayno(andwalkaway)Haveahardtimeturningpeopledown?Youaren’talone.Stickingtoarefusalcanalsobetough,especiallywhensomeonetriestoguilttripyouintochangingyourmind.Butifyoudodecidetosay,“No,”don’tbackdown.Thismayprovechallenging,especiallywhentheyuseadramaticoutbursttotrytogettheirway.Butthemoreyoupracticesaying“no”tothingsyouaren’tcomfortablewith,theeasieritbecomes.Removingyourselffromthesituationcanhelpyouavoidscenes.Ifyoucan’tphysicallyleave,makeitclearyou’renolongerinvolvedinthediscussion.Say“excuseme”andturnaway,forexample.Remember,youaren’tatfaultToxicbehaviorcanmakeyoufeellikeyoudidsomethingwrong,evenwhenyouknowyoudidn’t.It’stoughtofaceattacksfromsomeonewhobehavesinatoxicmanner.Theymightgetpersonal,trytotwistyourwords,oraccuseyouofwantingtohurtthem.Atsomepoint,youmightevensecondguessyourselfandrackyourbrainforsomethingyoumight’vedone.Butremindyourselftheirbehaviorhasnothingtodowithyou.Restateyourboundariesandtrynottotaketheirspitepersonally.Takedeepbreathstocalmyourselformindfullyacknowledgetheirwordssoyoucanletthemgowithoutbeingaffected.MakeyourselfunavailablePeoplewhoactinatoxicway“canoftensensewhotheycanmanipulate,”Sueskindsays.“Theymaymoveonwhentheyseetheirtacticsdon’tworkonyou.”Ifyou’reneveravailable,theymighteventuallystoptryingtoengage.Thisstrategycanbeparticularlyhelpfulatwork,whereyou’reboundtohaveplentyofhonestexcuses,like:“Sorry,Ihavetoomuchworktochat.”“Gottoprepforthatmeeting,soIcan’ttalk!”Youmightfacesomepassive-aggressiveremarksoroutrightaccusationswhenyoumakeyourexcuses.Trynottorespond,evenifyoufeelupset.Remember:It’snotaboutyou.LimityourtimetogetherDoyoudreadseeingaparticularperson?Feelanxiousorstressedbeforehand?Takethesefeelingsasasignyoumaywanttoseethemless.Peoplewhobehavetoxicallytendtofocusonthemselvesandwhattheywant.Theymightblameyouorotherpeopleforanyproblemstheyhaveandshowlittleinterestinyourfeelingsorneeds.Thiscanmakespendingtimewiththemunpleasant.Ifyou’redealingwithsomeonewhopicksfightswithyourorrepeatedlypushesyourboundaries,considerscalingbacktheamountoftimeyouspendwiththem.Whenyoucan’tavoidthepersonIfyoucan’tcompletelyavoidorscalebacktheamountoftimeyouspendwithsomeone,youstillhaveoptions.Setboundaries“Boundariesareessential,”Sueskindsays.Settingboundariesinvolvesdecidingwhatyouwillandwon’ttolerate.Communicatetheseboundariesclearlyandsticktothem.Maybeyoudon’tmindlisteningtoyourco-worker’sdramaticstories,eventheobviouslyfictionalones.Butyoudrawyourlineatverbalabuseorgossip.Sowhentheystartmockinganotherco-worker,say,“likeIsaid,I’mnotinterestedinthistypeofconversation.”Leavetheroomifyoucanortryputtingonheadphones.HaveanexitstrategyIfyou’restuckinatoxicconversationanddon’tseeaneasywayout,youmightworrythatleavingseemsrude,especiallyifyou’retalkingtoasupervisor.Butit’sentirelypossibletoleavepolitely.Ifithelps,considercomingupwithafewgo-tolinesaheadoftimethatyoucanpulloutasneeded.Trysomethinglike,“I’msorry,butIhavetostopyou.I’vegotalotofwork,soIcan’tchatrightnow”or,“Sorry,I’mwaitingonanimportantphonecallandcan’tgetintothisrightnow.”ChangeyourroutineDoesafamilymemberalwayscatchyouwhenyou’restudyingorholdyouuponyourwaytowork?Maybeaco-workeralwayscomplainsatlunchabouthowhorriblyeveryonetreatsthem.Ideally,they’drespecttheboundariesyouset,butthisdoesn’talwayshappen.Whileitmaynotseemfairthatyou’retheonewhohastochange,it’softenworthitforyourownwell-beingSwitchingupyourroutinecanhelpyouavoidgettingpulledintoconversationsyou’dratherskip.Tryeatinglunchsomewherebesidesthebreakroom,wearingheadphones,orreadingabook.Avoidingfamilymemberscanbeharder.Tryhavingarespectfulbutfirmconversationaboutneedingtofocusonyourstudies.Ifyou’reonthewayoutthedoor,practiceyourquickexitstrategy:“Sorry,I’mlate!”EncouragethemtogethelpIt’softendifficulttounderstandwhypeoplebehaveintoxicways.Butitmighthelptoconsiderthattheymightbedealingwithsomepersonalchallengesthatarecausingthemtolashout.Thisdoesn’texcuseproblematicbehavior,butitcanhelpexplainit.Ifyouhaveacloserelationshipwithsomeonewhobehavesinatoxicway,considerpointingoutsomeharmfulbehaviorsandexplaininghowtheyaffectothers(ifyoufeelcomfortabledoingso).Iftheyseemreceptive,encouragethemtotalktoatherapistaboutwhytheyactthewaytheydo.“Psychotherapycanhelppeopleidentifyproblematicbehaviorsandlearntomanagetheiremotionsandreactionsinhealthierways,”Sueskindsays.Don’tgetpersonalSueskindrecommendskeepinginteractionswiththeotherpersonsuperficial.“Beclearabouthowyouareandaren’twillingtoengage,”shesuggests.Toxicbehaviorcaninvolvegossiping,oversharingpersonaldetails,orusingpersonalinformationtoprovokereactions.Ifyouknowsomeonewhodoesthesethings,keepyourconversationslightandinsignificant.Shutdownattemptsatpryingoroversharingwith,“Actually,Iprefernottotalkaboutmyrelationshipatwork.”MaintaincalmYoumightwonderhowit’spossibletostaycalmaroundtheotherpersonwhenjustthinkingaboutcrossingpathsmakesyourheartpound.WorkwithatherapistIfyouhavetostayinvolvedwiththeperson,considergettinghelpfromamentalhealthprofessional.Therapistsaretrainedtohelppeopleworkthroughdifficultsituationsliketheseandcanoffercompassionate,judgment-freesupportthatfitsyourcircumstances.ThebottomlineSometimes,cuttingpeopleoutofyourlifemayseemliketheonlywaytoescapetheirtoxicbehavior.Butthisisn’talwaysfeasible.Ifyouhavetospendtimewithsomeonewhoexhibitstoxicbehavior,remindyourselftheiractionsaren’tyourfaultnoryourresponsibility.It’simportanttheyknowwhatyou’renotwillingtotolerate.CrystalRaypolehaspreviouslyworkedasawriterandeditorforGoodTherapy.HerfieldsofinterestincludeAsianlanguagesandliterature,Japanesetranslation,cooking,naturalsciences,sexpositivity,andmentalhealth.Inparticular,she’scommittedtohelpingdecreasestigmaaroundmentalhealthissues.LastmedicallyreviewedonNovember20,2019MedicallyreviewedbyJanetBrito,Ph.D.,LCSW,CST—WrittenbyCrystalRaypoleonNovember20,2019ReadthisnextIsYourRelationshipToxic?MedicallyreviewedbyJanetBrit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