Am I Toxic? 9 Signs You're A Toxic Person, From A Psychologist

A toxic person is someone who regularly displays actions and behaviors that hurt others or otherwise negatively impact the lives of the people ... Skiptocontent # mindbodygreen CloseAd Navigation MainNavigation AmIToxic?9SignsYou'reAToxicPerson&HowToStop Login Profile SavedArticles Orders&Tracking Classes ContactSupport LogOut Yourcartisempty. Ouronlineclassesandtrainingprogramsallowyoutolearnfromexpertsfromanywhereintheworld. ExploreClasses mbgSupplements+ 0 VIEWCART mbgCalm 0 VIEWCART mbgClasses 0 VIEWCART SubcategoryNavigation mindfulness health food movement beauty home socialgood parenting more astrology planet relationships lifestyle Friendships AmIToxic?9SignsYou'reAToxicPerson&HowToStop AmIToxic?9SignsYou'reAToxicPerson&HowToStop DoctorofClinicalPsychology ByPerpetuaNeo,DClinPsy DoctorofClinicalPsychology PerpetuaNeo,DClinPsy,isapsychologistandexecutivecoachwhoreceivedherclinicalpsychologydoctoratefromUniversityCollegeLondon.ShehasbeenfeaturedinElle,Forbes,BusinessInsider,andelsewhere. AmIToxic?9SignsYou'reAToxicPerson&HowToStop AmIToxic?9SignsYou'reAToxicPerson&HowToStop AmIToxic?9SignsYou'reAToxicPerson&HowToStop AmIToxic?9SignsYou'reAToxicPerson&HowToStop AmIToxic?9SignsYou'reAToxicPerson&HowToStop AmIToxic?9SignsYou'reAToxicPerson&HowToStop AmIToxic?9SignsYou'reAToxicPerson&HowToStop AmIToxic?9SignsYou'reAToxicPerson&HowToStop AmIToxic?9SignsYou'reAToxicPerson&HowToStop AmIToxic?9SignsYou'reAToxicPerson&HowToStop AmIToxic?9SignsYou'reAToxicPerson&HowToStop AmIToxic?9SignsYou'reAToxicPerson&HowToStop AmIToxic?9SignsYou'reAToxicPerson&HowToStop AmIToxic?9SignsYou'reAToxicPerson&HowToStop AmIToxic?9SignsYou'reAToxicPerson&HowToStop Imageby LiliyaRodnikova /Stocksy AmIToxic?9SignsYou'reAToxicPerson&HowToStop LastupdatedonJune29,2021 Shareon: AmIToxic?9SignsYou'reAToxicPerson&HowToStop AmIToxic?9SignsYou'reAToxicPerson&HowToStop AmIToxic?9SignsYou'reAToxicPerson&HowToStop AmIToxic?9SignsYou'reAToxicPerson&HowToStop Shareon: AmIToxic?9SignsYou'reAToxicPerson&HowToStop AmIToxic?9SignsYou'reAToxicPerson&HowToStop AmIToxic?9SignsYou'reAToxicPerson&HowToStop AmIToxic?9SignsYou'reAToxicPerson&HowToStop AmIToxic?9SignsYou'reAToxicPerson&HowToStop AmIToxic?9SignsYou'reAToxicPerson&HowToStop AmIToxic?9SignsYou'reAToxicPerson&HowToStop AmIToxic?9SignsYou'reAToxicPerson&HowToStop AmIToxic?9SignsYou'reAToxicPerson&HowToStop Wespendalotoftimeandenergytryingtopinpointthetoxicpeopleinourlives,buthowoftendowelookinwardduringoursearch?Thetruthis,therearetimeswheneventhebestofusexhibittoxicbehaviorsorpatternswithoutrealizingit.Here'sexactlyhowtotellifyou'reatoxicperson,whattoxicreallymeans,andhowtostopbeingtoxic. InThisArticle 1 Definition 2 Signs 3 Causes 4 Bottomline Whatisatoxicperson? Atoxicpersonissomeonewhoregularlydisplaysactionsandbehaviorsthathurtothersorotherwisenegativelyimpactthelivesofthepeoplearoundthem,andthey'reusuallythemaininstigatingfactorofatoxicrelationship.Ofcourse,there'sadifferencebetweenbeingtoxicandactingtoxic.Thefirstiswhenit'singrainedinourpersonality,andweactivelyenjoyhurtingothers;thesecondcorrespondstoaspectsofourbehaviors.Sometimeswithoutknowingit,thesetoxicbehaviorscantakeusover.Thinkaboutitasamuscleintowhichyou'reunknowinglypumpingmetaphoricalsteroids,andsoonitlookslikeTheHulk.Thegoodnewsis,withalittleself-reflectionandaskingforfeedbackfromothers,wecanbecomeawareofthesehabitsanderadicatethemsowecanbecomebetterpeople.Hereareafewofthemostcommonbehaviorsthatevengoodpeoplecandevelopthatmightactuallybehurtingthosearoundthem—aswellashowtochangecourseforthebetter. Advertisement Signsofatoxicperson. 1. You'realwayssarcastic. Thecleverretortthat'saccompaniedbyraucouslaughteronacomedy—we'vecometothinkthat'sagoodthing,andperhapsevenaspiretowardthat.It'sgottentothepointthatpeoplewhodon'tknowhowtobe"clever"believethey'reterrible,dullconversationalists.Butthetruthis,what'sfunnyonTheBig-BangTheoryisn'tnecessarilyfunnyinreallifewhenyou'reonthereceivingend.Ithurts.It'seasyforthistobeyourdefaultmodeifyouworkinanindustrythat'sallaboutactingtoughandmaskingemotionsorifyougrewupinafamilywhere99%ofyourconversationsaresarcasticquips,"Itoldyouso's,"orremarksdesignedtoone-upanotherperson.WhileIneveradvocatePollyanna-esquenaïvetéorechoism,peoplewhoonlylookforthenegativecanbeincrediblydrainingtobearoundinthelongrun;theteasing,eveningoodjest,willstarttofeellikecarefullycloakedanimosity.Thefix:Weallknowhowterribleitfeelstobethetargetofsuchremarks,especiallywhenwe'reinavulnerablestate.Sobeforeyouopenyourmouth,askyourself,"HowwouldIfeelifIweresharingsomethingaboutmylifeorthoughtsandsomeonegavemesucharesponse?" 2. Youdealwithconflictinaroundaboutway. Conflictisuncomfortable.Wedon'tliketodealwithtrickysituationsdirectly,andsowedevisewaysofgettingaroundthem.Butifyou'realwaysbeatingaroundthebushandthensecretinghostilityviasullenbehavior,stubbornness,andsubtleinsults,itjustamplifiestheproblemandturnsasingleconflictintoalargerissue.Nomatterhowlogicalourargumentsorhowupsetwemightbeoverwhat'shappening,passive-aggressivenessispainfulandnothelpfultoanyone.It'sacancerinrelationships.Thefix:Knowthatdifficultconversationsarescarierinourheadsthaninreality—wesimplyhaven'thadenoughpractice.Themoreyouhavetheseconversations,theeasiertheybecome.Theruleofthumbyoucansubscribetoistoaskyourself,"HowcanIsaythisinawaythatiskindanduseful?" 3. Everythingisacompetition. Tellingsomeonehowyouwentthroughasimilarexperienceastheydidisdifferentfromtryingtoshowhowyou'vehaditworse.Thefirstiswhereyoushowyouresonatewiththeotherpersonandusethatempathytoconnect.Thesecondisacompetition.It'struethatmanypeoplehavebeenconditionedtohavesomesortofseeminglyobjectivemetricofwhat'sworse—weprioritizephysicalhealthailmentsovermentalhealthdifficulties,andforanyonewhoappearstobelivingcomfortably,wedismissitwiththelabel"FirstWorldproblems"oversomeonewhoisinabjectconditions.Sometimeswe'refilledwithindignationifwe'vebeenthrough"worse"andthink,"Howdarethey?"Orsometimes,wegenuinelybelievesomeoneisbeingweakandshouldjust"suckitup"becausewehavedonesoourselves.Importantly,weneedtobeawareofthesebiasesandtorealizethatpainisn'tacompetition.Regardlessofaperson'sdiagnosableconditionorlifestyle,painispain.Whenwetrytoconvincethemtheirsituationisn'tsobad,weareeffectivelyinvalidatingtheirexperiencesandalienatingthem.Thefix:Beawareofwhyyoufeeltheneedto"compete"—isitbecausethisistheonlywayyou'llfeelvalidatedorfeelsomerespitefromyourexperiences?Sometimes,honestyisthebestgiftwecangiveourselves,nomatterhowscaryitis.Thisway,wecantrulyhaveempathyforourselvesandothers.Ifyoufindithardtoexpresscompassionforsomeoneelse,perhapsaskyourself,"WhatwouldIwantsomeonetosaytomeinmyposition?" 4. Youturneverythingintoajoke. We'veallmetthatpersonwhoendseverylinewith"haha"andhastomakeajokeoutofeverything—eventhemostseriousandsaddeststuff.Maybeit'sbecausewedon'tknowhowtodealwiththesituation,orwefeeluncomfortableasitripsopenoldemotionalwounds.Sowetrytoescapevialightheartedness.Thefix:It'sOK.Youdon'tneedtohavetheanswertoeverythingrightnow.Simplysay,"IfeelalittleuncomfortableanduncertainbecauseI'mnotusedtothis."Thisisalotmorerespectfulthanlaughingandcanhelpyourlovedoneandyoudeepenyourrelationshipasyounavigatethecomplicationsofbeinghuman. 5. Youwanttofixeveryoneandeverything. Someofusarenaturallyrescuersandfixers—maybeyou'vebeentrainedtopre-emptandsolveproblems,orweunconsciouslygetdrawntosimilarrelationshipstofixadynamicwewerehelplessinwhenwewereyounger.Ormaybeyousimplylovetoprovidesolutions.Butthisisaformofemotionallabor,andastheworkpilesup,sodoourdistressandresentments.Putsimply,otherpeoplearen'tourprojects,andjustbecausewecansolveaproblemdoesn'tmeanweshould—theresponsibilityissquarelyinthehandsoftheissue-holder,whomaynotevenseeitasaproblem.Thefix:Here'sthedeal.Sometimespeoplearen'taskingforsolutionsorevenforalisteningear,butweunwittinglycreatetraumafromnonexistentwoundsbyprobing.Whatwecandoinsteadisask,"Doyouwanttotalkaboutit?"Iftheysayno,offertobehereiftheychangetheirminds.Andifapersondidnotaskforadvice,simplysay,"Ihaveasuggestion.Wouldyouliketohearit?"Additionally,recognizethatyoudon'tneedtofixeveryone.Learntoacceptpeople'sflaws,helpthemwhenasked,andifnecessary,withdrawfromthoserelationshipswheretheperson'sbehaviorsareseriouslyaffectingyouinanegativeway.There'snoneedforyoutoshouldereverysingleperson'sproblemsandaccompanythemallontheirdevelopmentjourneys. 6. Yousecretlycravedisasterbecauseofthecareyoureceivefromit. Whenwewanttomakeachange,thereareusuallytwosidesofusinconflict.Onesidedesirestransformation,buttheotherdoesn't—becauseithassomethingtogainfromthestatusquo.Muchaswehatetoadmitit,apartofusmayenjoytheattentionfromthedramaandthesubsequentpitypartieswethrow.Toughtimeshappen,andwegetstuckinaGroundhogDayrut.Asignthatwelovetheattentionfrompitypartiesisthatweaskforsolutionsonlytoshootthemdown.It'sawayofopeningaconversationwithsomeoneelse,bathingintheirattentionandcare,andconvincingourselveswe'reseekinghelp—butthingsnevershift.Whilethismightfeelgoodforourselves,itputsalotofstrainonourfriendswhoneedtocontinuepickingupafterus.Weshouldofcoursefeelfreetoleanonournetworkwhenweneedhelp,butconstantlyinjectingnegativityintotheirlivesjustbecauseweenjoyfeelingtheextentoftheirloveisnotfairtothem.Thefix:Ifyoufeelapartofyourlifehasbecomeaconsistentlydeterioratingtrainwreck,wherethemajorityofyourinteractionsarecenteredaroundgettingthisattention,it'stimetogetittogether.Committostopmanagingtheproblemanditssymptomsandtoinsteadstartactuallymasteringthesituationbymasteringyourself.Thinkaboutatimewhenthingsweregood,whenyouwereincontrol,andwhenyoulikedwhoyouwere—yourintegrityandyourenergy.Tapintohowthatfeels,andusethatenergytopropelyourmomentumandstrategytowardfindingthatpersonagain. 7. Youthinkpointingoutsomeone'sflawswillhelpthemtochange. Oneofthemostmortifyingsituationsiswhensomeonewell-intentionedgathersotherstoshameyouforaflaw,thinkingthiswillwhipyouintoaction.Wehearofsuchstoriesinfamilies,wheretheflawmaybeamentalhealthdifficultyorbadskinday.Ifyoudothis,knowthatit'shurtfulandalienating.Mostofusareawarewhenwe'reashadowofouroldselves,andifitisslidinginthewrongdirection,wearebusytryingtoadjustorevenmournthelossofouroldselves.Addingsalttothewoundonlytriggersmoreshameandanxiety.Thefix:Whatyoucouldsayinsteadwouldbesomethinglike,"I'venoticedthischangeinyou,andI'mhereforyouifyoueverwanttotalk."Thenleavetheballintheircourt. 8. Youtelleveryoneto"justchange"theirmindset. SomeonetoldmyfriendKarlato"justbemoreproactive"whenherprofessorhadforgottenthedeadlineforherscholarshipapplication,eventhoughKarlahadrepeatedlyremindedtheprofessorformonths.Karlawasfranticandsadandthenfuriouswithsaidfriend.Weoftentelleachothertojust"cheerup,""stopthinkingthat,"or"belogical"—effectivelyapplyingcognitivePhotoshoptoour"negative"emotionsbecausethesefeelingsareuncomfortableorsociallyunpalatable.Butitisirrationaltoputarationalfilterovereverything.Thefix:Theonlywaytomasteryouremotionsanddifficultsituationsistofeelthem.Wemustwhollyacknowledgetheirpartinourlivesassignalsandsourcesofwisdomratherthanto"justsuckitup."Unfortunatesituationshappen,andtheydon'tjustgetresetbythepushofamentalbuttonoramindsettransplantedintoourheads.Insteadoftellingsomeonetosimplychangethewaythey'rethinking,justsitdownwiththemandbeasourceofemotionalcomfort.Letthemearnestlyconveytheiremotionsoutloudtoyouwithoutjudgment.Sometimesthisisallthat'sneededforthemtoregainsomesemblanceofemotionalequilibriumsotheycansetouttotackletheirproblems. 9. Youpushyourtruthonothers. Whenwediscoverasolution,especiallyafterfeelingstuckforalongtime,wewanttoshoutitfromthemountaintops.Whetherit'sthesecrettoweightlossorfindingspiritualsalvation,wehopeourlovedoneswillreapthosebenefits.Andthenthere'salsoanotherdeepersubconsciousdrivethatspiritualauthorPauloCoelhowritesabout:Webelievethatanextrapersonsubscribingtoourtruthmakesitmorevalid.Especiallyifwe'rewatchingourfriends'livesdeteriorateorworriedabouttheafterlivesofourlovedones,wefeelcompelledtoproselytize.Butthisbackfiresintheend:Forcingourtruthsdownsomeoneelse'sthroatfeelsjustasuncomfortableandinvasiveasthemetaphorsuggests.Moreover,justbecausesomething'sworkedforyoudoesn'tmeanit'llworkforsomeoneelse—solutionsmustbetailoredtosomeone'spersonality,experience,andsituationformaximumsuccess.Thefix:Rememberthatyou'retheirlovedone,nottheirdoctororcoach—yourroleisn'ttohealorsavethem.Simplybethebestexampleforthem—liveyourlifethewayyou'dlikesomeoneelsetohavebeenyourrolemodel.Whentheyarereadyandstartaskingyou,youcangentlyopentheconversation. Whatcausespeopletobecometoxic? We'refundamentallycopycats—welearnbehaviorsbymodelingothers,andsometimeswehavethewrongrolemodels.Atothertimes,werunintoabadspateinlife,getjaded,andseetheworldthroughapessimisticlens.Andsoourtoxicbehaviorsgrow.Buthavingtheminonechapterofourlivesdoesn'tmeanwe'recondemnedtothemforever.Instead,pinpointingtherootandcommittingtopersonalgrowthcanhelpustofindouroldselvesagainorcreateanewselfthatisstronger,havingintegratedthewisdomofadifficultchapterinourlives.Asyoustarttodetox,takeprideinyourgrowth. Thetakeaway. Justbecausewe'vehadsomebadbehaviorsisn'tcauseforshame.Rather,knowingthatwe'vetranscendedthemisactuallycauseforpride.Understandingourowntoxicbehaviordevelopsempathyforwhywedothethingswedo,honesourself-awareness,andhelpsustobecomebetterpeople.Acknowledgmentisthefirststepofthatjourney. Wantyourpassionforwellnesstochangetheworld?BecomeAFunctionalNutritionCoach!Enrolltodaytojoinourupcomingliveofficehours. ResetYourGut SignupforourFREEdoctor-approvedguthealthguidefeaturingshoppinglists,recipes,andtips SIGNUP Youarenowsubscribed Beonthelookoutforawelcomeemailinyourinbox! PerpetuaNeo,DClinPsy DoctorofClinicalPsychology PerpetuaNeoisapsychologistandexecutivecoachcurrentlylivinginSingapore.ShereceivedherdoctorateinclinicalpsychologyfromUniversityCollegeLondonandhermaster'sin... 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