Toxic People: Signs of Manipulation and What to Do About It

Irwin describes a person with toxic qualities as anyone who is abusive, unsupportive, or unhealthy emotionally — someone who basically brings ... 3SignsaPersonwithToxicQualitiesIsManipulatingYou(andWhattoDoAboutIt)MedicallyreviewedbyJanetBrito,Ph.D.,LCSW,CST—WrittenbyKariLangsletonAugust4,2020TheeffectsoftoxicpeopleSignsofmanipulationDealingwithtoxicpeopleHowtohealtl;drShareonPinterestWeincludeproductswethinkareusefulforourreaders.Ifyoubuythroughlinksonthispage,wemayearnasmallcommission.Here’sourprocess.Chancesarehighyou’veencounteredapersoninyourlifewhodemonstratestoxicqualities.There’sanequallysignificantpossibilityyoustillrememberhowtheymadeyoufeel.Youmayhavethenrealizedthis“friend”orfamilymemberwasnogood(kudostoyou—it’snoteasyandnoteveryonehasthestrengthtodoso).Butitcanoftenbehardtodistinguishbetweenfeelingsofloveandfriendshipandfeelingsofguiltandmanipulation.Manipulativepeoplearereallygoodatpurposefullyconfusingothers.WereachedouttoNancyIrwin,PsyD,ofSeasonsRehabCenterinMalibu,California,aswellasauthor,therapist,andgeneralbadasssurvivorShannonThomas,LCSW,tohelpusspotthepeopleinourliveswhomaydomoreharmthangoodandlearnhowwecanseparateourselvesfromthem.YoumightlikeHowtoBreakUpWithaFriend(andNotFeelGuilty)So,whatexactlymakesapersontoxic?Inordertodetoxifyourlives,wefirstneedtobeabletounderstandandspotapersonwithtoxicqualities.Theylooklikeeveryoneelse,talklikeeveryoneelse,andcanevenbehidinginyourfriendshipgroup,yourfamily,oryourromanticrelationship.“Peoplewithtoxicqualitiesaremastermanipulators,skilledliars,andgreatactors,”Thomassays.“Theycanbehidingeverywhere.”Onewaytoidentifyapersonlikethisisthatuuuuuuuuuuughfeelingafterhangingout:Everytimeyoutalktothem,youfeelexhausted,emotionallydrained,andnegative.There’salwayssomethingwiththisperson.Andyouwon’talwaysbeabletopinpointit.Irwindescribesapersonwithtoxicqualitiesasanyonewhoisabusive,unsupportive,orunhealthyemotionally—someonewhobasicallybringsyoudownmorethanup.“Youmaybegintofeeldependentonhimorherfortheiropinion,doubtingyourown,”shesays.“Theycanbedrainingandleaveyouemotionallywipedout,”Thomassays.“Theywantyoutofeelsorryforthemandresponsibleforalltheirproblems—andthenfixtheseproblemstoo.”Ifyou’vegotasiblingwho’smanipulatinganddamagingyou,wefoundsomewaystocope.Howtorecognizetoxicqualities“Thebestgaugeistoseehowyoufeelafterinteractingwithsomeone—ourphysicalandemotionalreactionstopeopleareourbestindicators,”Thomassays.Shenotesthatyoushouldconsiderwhetheryou’remoretense,anxious,orangryafterseeingthatperson,textingwiththem,ortalkingtothemonthephone.Othersignstokeepaneyeoutfor,accordingtoThomas,include:Beingjudgmental:Thepersonmayconstantlypassjudgmentonyouandothers.Obsessiveneediness:Theyplacehugestrainsonyourtimeandenergy.Denialist:Theyrefusetotakeresponsibilityorapologizefortheiractions.“Thiscouldbesomeonewhousesdrugsordrinksexcessively,liesorasksyoutolieforthem,iscontrolling,orregularlybelittleswhatyoudo,”Irwinsays.Shealsosaysthelivesofpeoplewithtoxicqualitiesoftenlackfinancial,professional,physical,personal,orinterpersonalstability.Essentially,theymayfinditveryhardtoexactcontrolovertheirownlives,minds,andrelationships,sotheytrytoexertpoweroverothersinharmfulways.Evenparentscanexerttoxiceffectsontheirkids,andit’sstillfinetocutthemoutiftheirpresenceisharmful.Toxicfallout:Theeffectsoftoxicqualities“Peoplewhodemonstratetoxicqualitiesalsohavetheabilitytoaffectallareasofourlives,andweareoftenblindtothisuntilit’stoolate,”Thomassays.“Wemakeexcusesforthem.Webelieveandinternalizetheliestheyfeedus.And,inturn,thataffectshowweviewourselvesandourworth.Iftheyhavetoxicqualities,apersonmayreceivepleasurefromtakingjoyawayfromthethingsweonceloved,suchaswork,friendships,hobbies,andevenself-love.”Irwinagrees,andaddsthattheycaninspirestrangechangesinbehavior.“Ifyoufeelunheardorunseen,andendupbeingusedorcoercedintodoingthingsthatareunusualforyou,youmaybeinfluencedbyaperson’stoxicqualities,”shesays.“Theycancauseyoutodoubtyourselfordothingsyouordinarilywouldnotdo—youmayfeeladesireto‘becool’orfitinorgettheirapproval.Everycaseisdifferent,butpeoplewithtoxicqualitiescannegativelyinfluenceothersbymanipulatingthemtodothings.”Peoplewithtoxicqualitiessowchaoswherevertheywalkthroughnegativehabitsthatinclude:usingotherslyingstealingcontrollingcriticizingbullyingmanipulatingcreatingdramaSignsyou’rebeingmanipulatedThemostharmfulthingaboutmanipulationisthatyoudon’trealizeit’shappening.“Manypeopledon’tknowthey’rebeingmanipulateduntilit’stoolate,”Irwinsays.“Youknowyouarebeingmanipulatedwhenyoubegindoing,saying,orbelievingthingsthatareservingthem,asopposedtoyou.”Healthypeopleencourageandempoweryoutobeyourbest.Manipulatorstellpeoplethattheyknowwhat’sbestforyouanduseitasatooltoputyoudown.Sowhataretheredflags—theactual,concretesignsthatsomeoneismanipulatingus?Thomasbreaksitdownintothefollowingthreecategories.1.TheblamegameApersonwithtoxicqualitieswillnotapologizeforthepainfulsituationstheyputyouin.Theyconstantlyfindwaystomakeyouresponsiblefortheiractions.Forexample,rememberthatChristmaspartywhenSallyMcToxicQualitiesgotdrunk,madeanassofherself,andruinedthewholenight—thenblamedyoufornotwatchingheralcoholintake?(Workplacescanbetoxic,too.Keepaneyeout.)Thesameappliestothedisgusting“lookwhatyoumademedo”mentalitythatplaguesabusiverelationships—blamingthepartnerforincitingtheemotionormotivationbehindanyviolence,ratherthantakingaccountabilityfortheviolence.2.IsolationHaveyounoticedthatyounolongerspendtimewithotherpeople?Atoxicpersonwilldemandyourfullattentionandshameyouiftheyfeellikeyou’renotgivingthemenoughofyourself.Forinstance,JohnMcToxicQualities(norelationtoSally)monopolizesallofyourtime,totheextentthathefreaksoutwhenheseesonsocialmediathatyouhungoutwithotherfriendswithouthim.Youthenrealizeyouspendnearlyallyourfreetimewiththispersonandhaveforgottenwhatyourotherfriendslooklike.It’snotgood.Peoplewhoaregoodforyoualsorecognizethatyouhaveotherfolkandactivitiesinyourlifethatmatter.Leavingoverwhelmingordrainingrelationshipsisn’tgivingup,it’sgrowingup.Here’swhygivingupissometimesgood.3.WalkingoneggshellsPeoplewithtoxicqualitiesthriveonkeepingyouonyourtoesanduseemotionaloutburststodoso.Youneverknowwhattypeofmoodthey’llbein,andyouhavetowatchwhatyousayaroundthem.Otherwise,you’llreceive15textmessagesaboutamolehillofaproblemthatmanifestedasamountain,alongwithalaundrylistofallthereasonsthatyou’reaterribleperson,yourcareerisgoingnowhere,andyou’renotasgoodastheyare.YoumighthaveafriendlikeSeanMcToxicQualitieswhocan’thandleacasualhangout.Everytimeyouseehim,there’sawholeemotionalscene.Hebringsupaproblemthatyoucausedorneedtosolve,orinvolvesyouinadrainingexchangethatstressesyououtandmakesyoudoubtyourselfandyourcharacter.(Toclarify,thenameMcToxicQualitiesisnotanaccuratewaytoidentifytoxicity.Butafriendwhocausestheaboveproblemsislikelytobeatoxicpresence.)CleansingtoxicityandsteeringclearofbullshitOK,nowweknowwhatatoxicpersonlookslikeandhowthey’remanipulatingus.Howtheeffdowegetthemoutofourlivesandavoidfallingpreytothemanipulationgamesofthemandanyonelikethemagain?Doyouhavetochangeyournumberandgetanewemailaddress?Notquite—unlessyou’vebeenexperiencingabuse,butyoudoneedtosetboundariesuntilyou’reabletofullystopcommunicatingwiththem.Thomasrecommendsyoustartwithdetachedcontact,whichmeansyoustillhaveoccasionalinteractionsbutfromanewemotionalstate.“Gettingatoxicpersonoutofyourlifeisallaboutsettingboundaries,”shesays.“Forexample,youmaynotreturnatoxicperson’scallrightawayand,instead,wait30minutestocallback.”Thiscanhelpyouworkthroughtheanxietyofnotjumpingwhentheytellyoutojump.“Thebestwaytoremoveatoxicpersonisbyimplementingnocontact,”Thomassays.“Whilethispathhasitsownsetofchallenges,oncetheremovaloftoxicityhasoccurredandthedusthassettled,havingnocontactisthemostconcretewayofmovingforwardandawayfromatoxicperson.”Irwinrecommendsgivingyourselfsomedistancebeforeyoustarttaperingoffthecontact,notingthatthisisharderifthepersonisyourcurrentpartneroraformerpartnerwithwhomyouhavekids.“Iftheyareaco-worker,perhapsyoucantransfertoanotherdepartmentorcubiclefartheraway,”shesays.“YoumayneedtotalktoHR.Iftheyareasibling,youmighttryfamilytherapyandsetboundaries.Ifthey’reanex,losetheiremail/phonenumber.”It’ssometimeseasiersaidthandone,aspeoplearen’tfondoflosingcontroliftheypossesstoxicqualities.Buttakingthesefirststepsareimportantforrebuildingyourlife.Weputtogetherasimple,two-stepprocessforremovingfriendsfromyourcircleiftheyhaveatoxicimpact.TaketimetohealandgetpositiveRemovingtoxicityfromyourlifeisonlypartofthebattle.You’llalsohavetogiveyourselftimetoheal.Eventhoughasizableweightwillbeliftedoffyourshoulders,alotofemotional(andsometimesphysical)damagehastakenrootintheserelationships.Youdon’tonlyneedspacefromtheindividualwhocausedthepain,youneedspacefromtheeventsthemselves,andthattakestime.Ultimately,it’stherightdecisiontoendyourrelationshipwiththisperson,butthatdoesn’tmakeitaneasyorbriefrecovery.“It’sallabouthealinginstagesandrealizingitwillnothappenallatonce,”Thomassays.“It’simportanttotakeitdaybyday,celebratethelittlevictories,andhavepatienceasyouovercometheminorsetbacks.Surroundyourselfwithsupportivepeoplewholoveyouandareonyourside.”Andremembertobegeneroustoyourself.“Forgiveyourselfforbeingtakeninbyaskilledmanipulator,”Irwinsays.“Learnfromthatexperienceandlistentoyourhearttomakeyourownchoicesgoingforward.”Andifyouneedalittlehelp?That’sperfectlyOK.Beproudofyourselfandallthestepsyou’vetakentomakeyourlifebetter.tl;drYourlifewillbehealthierwithoutSally,John,Sean,andanyoneelsewhochoosestojointheMcToxicPersonclan.Youareamazing,andyoudeservebetterthantobeapawninsomeoneelse’sself-destruction.Cutpoisonouspeoplefromyourlifeandbuildabetterfuturethatpromisespositivityandsupport.Ifyourphysicaloremotionalsafetyareatriskinarelationship,makesureyoucheckouttheseresourcesandhelplinesthatyoucancontactforassistanceandawayout.KariLangsletisanaviddater,impulsiveadventurer,unofficialtherapisttofriendsandfamily,andanimallover.You’llusuallyfindheratadivebarplayingJengawithherdogorheadbangingintooblivionataBrooklynshow.StalkheronInstagramandTwitter@karilangslet.LastmedicallyreviewedonAugust4,2020MedicallyreviewedbyJanetBrito,Ph.D.,LCSW,CST—WrittenbyKariLangsletonAugust4,2020ReadthisnextOp-Ed:WhyWeightBullyingIstheWorstREADMORE6WaysYo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