Fearful-Avoidant Attachment: 13 Signs & Relationship Patterns

Fearful-avoidant attachment is a pattern of behavior in relationships that is marked by both high anxiety and high avoidance, wherein a ... Skiptocontent # mindbodygreen CloseAd Navigation MainNavigation UnderstandingTheFearfulAvoidantAttachmentStyleInRelationships HealthCoaching Classes Shop Login Profile SavedArticles Orders&Tracking Classes ContactSupport LogOut Yourcartisempty. Ouronlineclassesandtrainingprogramsallowyoutolearnfromexpertsfromanywhereintheworld. ExploreClasses mbgShop 0 VIEWSHOPCART mbgCalm 0 VIEWCALMCART mbgClasses 0 VIEWCLASSCART SubcategoryNavigation mindfulness health food movement beauty home socialgood parenting more astrology planet relationships lifestyle Love UnderstandingTheFearfulAvoidantAttachmentStyleInRelationships | ExpertReviewed UnderstandingTheFearfulAvoidantAttachmentStyleInRelationships UnderstandingTheFearfulAvoidantAttachmentStyleInRelationships ContributingSex&RelationshipsEditor ByKellyGonsalves ContributingSex&RelationshipsEditor KellyGonsalvesisasexeducator,relationshipcoach,andjournalist.ShereceivedherjournalismdegreefromNorthwesternUniversity,andherwritingsonsex,relationships,identity,andwellnesshaveappearedatTheCut,Vice,TeenVogue,Cosmopolitan,andelsewhere. Expertreviewby NicoleBeurkens,Ph.D.,C.N.S. HolisticChild&FamilyPsychologist Auniquecombinationofclinicalpsychologist,nutritionist,andspecialeducationteacher,Dr.NicoleBeurkens,Ph.D.,hasalmost20yearsofexperiencesupportingchildren,youngadults,andfamilies.SheholdsaDoctorateinClinicalPsychology,aMaster’sinNutritionandIntegrativeHealth,andaMaster’sinSpecialEducation,andistrainedinnumerousspecialtyareas. UnderstandingTheFearfulAvoidantAttachmentStyleInRelationships UnderstandingTheFearfulAvoidantAttachmentStyleInRelationships UnderstandingTheFearfulAvoidantAttachmentStyleInRelationships UnderstandingTheFearfulAvoidantAttachmentStyleInRelationships UnderstandingTheFearfulAvoidantAttachmentStyleInRelationships UnderstandingTheFearfulAvoidantAttachmentStyleInRelationships UnderstandingTheFearfulAvoidantAttachmentStyleInRelationships Imageby CalebGaskins /Stocksy UnderstandingTheFearfulAvoidantAttachmentStyleInRelationships LastupdatedonNovember30,2021 Shareon: Shareon: UnderstandingTheFearfulAvoidantAttachmentStyleInRelationships UnderstandingTheFearfulAvoidantAttachmentStyleInRelationships UnderstandingTheFearfulAvoidantAttachmentStyleInRelationships UnderstandingTheFearfulAvoidantAttachmentStyleInRelationships UnderstandingTheFearfulAvoidantAttachmentStyleInRelationships Accordingtoattachmenttheory,ourapproachtoformingrelationshipswithotherpeopleisadirectreflectionofourearliestexperienceswithourcaregivers,aswellasotherinfluentialrelationshipsinourlife.Therearethreemainadultattachmentstyles:secure,anxious,andavoidant.Butthere'salsoafourthattachmentstylethat'smuchmorerareandthushardlytalkedabout:fearful-avoidantattachment. InThisArticle 1 Definition 2 Behaviorsandsigns 3 Whyitdevelops 4 Effectsonrelationships 5 Effectsonsexlife 6 Howtoheal Whatisfearful-avoidantattachment? Fearful-avoidantattachmentisapatternofbehaviorinrelationshipsthatismarkedbybothhighanxietyandhighavoidance,whereinapersonbothcravesconnectionbutalsofearsgettingtooclosetoanyone.Alsoknownasdisorganizedattachment,it'stherarestofthefourattachmentstyles.Thefearful-avoidantattachmentstyleisconsideredtobeacombinationoftheanxiousattachmentstyleandtheavoidantattachmentstyle.Peoplewithananxiousattachmentstyleareconstantlyseekingmoreintimacyandreassurancesintheirrelationships,oftencomingoffas"needy"partners,whereaspeoplewithanavoidantattachmentstyletendtodotheoppositeandpushothersawayoutofafearofintimacy.Butthefearful-avoidantattachmentstyleinvolvesacombinationofbothfeelinganxiousforaffectionandavoidingitatallcosts.A2019studypublishedintheJournalofSex&MaritalTherapydescribesitas"reluctanttoengageinacloserelationshipandadireneedtobelovedbyothers."AccordingtopsychologistsNicolasFavezandHerveTissot,theresearchersbehindthestudy,thisattachmentstyleisseldomtalkedaboutandnotwell-researchedbecauseit'smuchrarerthantheotherthreeattachmentstyles.Butsomeresearchhasfoundfearful-avoidantpeopletohave"themostpsychologicalandrelationalrisks." Advertisement Thisadisdisplayedusingthirdpartycontentandwedonotcontrolitsaccessibilityfeatures. Commonbehaviorsandsignsoffearful-avoidantattachment. AfewthatFavezandTissotmentionintheirstudy: Fearofintimacyorfearofrelationshipsingeneral Avoidingcommitmentinrelationships Elevatedanxiety Negativeviewofthemselves;feelingundeservingofhealthyrelationships Severedifficultyregulatingemotionsinrelationships Respondingpoorlyorinappropriatelytonegativeemotions Perceivingotherpeopleandtheirsupportnegatively Higherlikelihoodofshowingviolenceintheirrelationships Havingahighnumberofsexualpartners Generallyfeelingunsatisfiedwithrelationships "Fearfulavoidanceordisorganizationhasalsobeenshowntobelinkedwithborderlinepersonalitydisordersordissociativesymptoms,"theywrite.Youcantakethisfive-minuteattachmentstylequiztodetermineyourattachmentstyle.Ingeneralthough,itmighthardtotellifyouhavethefearful-avoidantattachmentstylewithoutconsultingwithaprofessional,inpartbecauseittendstopresentacombinationofbehaviorsthatalsoalignwithboththeanxiousandavoidantattachmentstyles. Whatcausesfearful-avoidantattachment? Attachmentstylesarethoughttoforminearlychildhoodbasedonaperson'srelationshipwiththeirearliestcaregivers.Peoplewhogrewupwithtrustworthycaregiverswhoengagedinconsistentwayswiththem(includingalotofloveandattention)generallyendupwithasecureattachmentstyle,meaningtheyhavegenerallyhealthyrelationshipswheretheyfeelsecure,loved,andabletoloveback.Thosewhoseparentalrelationshipswereunreliable,nonexistent,ortroubledtendtoendupwithoneofthethreeinsecureattachmentstyle,whetheranxious,avoidant,orfearful-avoidant.Somestudiessuggesttraumamightbeakeyfactorinthedevelopmentoffearful-avoidantattachment,FavezandTissotwrite.Aschildren,thosewithfearfulavoidancereacttostresswith"apparentlyincoherentbehaviors,"theyexplain,suchasaimlessness,fearoftheircaregiver,oraggressivenesstowardtheircaregiver.Earlierstudieshavehypothesizedthisbehaviorcomesfromabuseorothertraumaticexperienceswiththeircaregiver.Inresponse,thechildbecomes"constantlycaughtbetweendeactivation(astheattachmentfigurecannotbeasourceofreassurance)andhyperactivation(thepresenceofthe'frightening'figureconstantlytriggersattachmentneeds)."Inotherwords,achildwhoisafraidoftheircaregiverfindsthemselvesdesperatelyneedingcomfortbuthaslearnedthattheycannottrustthepersonwhogivesittothem.Inadulthood,thismanifestsasbothwantingintimacyinyourrelationshipsbutinstinctivelyfearingitandtryingtoescapeit. Howfearful-avoidantattachmentaffectsrelationships. Peoplewithafearful-avoidantattachmentstyletendtohaveeitherverytroubledrelationshipsorverytenuous,distantonesthatlackrealintimacyorcommitment.That'susuallybecauseofthewayfearful-avoidantpeoplemaybehaveinrelationships."Itisdisplayedinadultsthroughpoorcopingskills,alackofcopingstrategies,erraticbehavior,anddifficultydealingwithissuesinrelationshipsandinreal-lifeproblems,"therapist ChaminAjjan,M.S.,LCSW,A-CBT,previouslytoldmbgofthisdisorganizedattachmentstyle."[They]canbeunpredictableandvolatileinrelationships."Thesebehaviorscanmakeforchaotic,intense,orevenabusiverelationships.Alternatively,somefearful-avoidantpeoplemaygenerallynotenterintocommittedrelationshipsatall.Peoplewiththisattachmentstyletendtobothseekoutconnectionandclosenesswhilesimultaneouslytryingtoavoidactuallyenteringintoaseriousrelationship,soinsteadtheymaybemorelikelytofindthemselvesinaprolongedcourtshipthatneveractuallyturnsintoarelationship,"situationships,"casualsexualrelationships,orrelationshipswithoutlabels.Whileallofthesetypesofrelationshipscanbeapproachedinhealthyways,oftenfearful-avoidantsendupinthesedynamicsnotbecausetheywantthemthatwaybutbecausethey'reafraidofgettingcloserandleaninginfully.Theymaybeunabletofullytrustthatsomeonewillactuallycommitandbethereforthem,whetherbecauseofacorelackofself-worth,acorelackoftrustinothers,orsomecombinationofthetwo.Somepeoplewiththefearful-avoidantattachmentstylemayalsofearhowarelationshipwillimpactthemortheirlives,worriedabout"losingthemself"insomewayorgettinghurt.Butatthesametime,theyfindthemselvesseekingouttheclosenessandconnectionofpartnershiptogettheiremotionalneedsmet.Thiscanleadtoanendlesscycleofapproachandavoidwithpotentialpartners,whichcanoftenlooklikeaseriousofconfusing,incoherentbehaviorsandmixedsignals. Howitaffectssexualrelationships. FavezandTissot'sstudy,whichsurveyed600menandwomenabouttheirrelationshipsandsexlives,foundpeoplewithafearful-avoidantattachmentstyletendtohavealotmoresexualpartnersthanotherpeople.Theyalsotendedtobealotmoresexuallycompliant,whichmeanswhensomeoneaskstohavesexwithyou,you'remorelikelytosayyeswhetherornotyoureallywantit.Putotherwise,whileplentyofpeoplehavelotofsexwithmanydifferentpartnersforthephysicalpleasure,theexcitement,oranynumberofotherreasons,fearful-avoidantsmightfindthemselveshavingalotofsexwithalotofdifferentpeopleevenifthey'renotthatinterestedinthesexitself.Why?Theresearcherstheorizedthesebehaviorsdevelopinresponsetotheconfusionofbothwantingconnectionbutalsofeelingrepulsedbyit."Theelevatedanxietyfeltinfearfulavoidancemaymotivatetheindividualtoincreaseclosenesswithapartnerbyusingsexualactivities,whereastheelevatedavoidancetendencymayalmostsimultaneouslymotivatetheindividualtobreakthebondwiththispartner...whichisinturnfollowedbythesearchforanewpartner."Plentyofresearchhasalsofoundsomepeoplewhoexperiencesexualtraumarespondbybecoming"hypersexual"(i.e.,havingtonsofsexwithalotofdifferentpeople,sometimesinriskyways),andtraumahasalsobeenlinkedtothedevelopmentoffearful-avoidantattachment.Ofcourse,alifestyleinvolvinghavingalotofsexwithalotofdifferentpartnerscanbeperfectlyhealthyforsomepeoplewiththerightsetofphysicalandemotionalprecautions.Butdoingitoutofasimultaneouscravingforandfearofconnectioncanquicklybecomedrainingandperhapsevendestructive,especiallyifyoustartfindingyourselfsayingyestosexyoudon'twantorsexthatputsyourwell-beingatrisk.Likewise,ifyou'rebreakingconnectionswithpeoplewhenyoureallydesiretogetclosertothem,you'reputtingyourmindandheartthroughalotofheartacheduetoyourownfears. Howtodealwithfearful-avoidantattachment. Ifyou'rerelatingtoanyoftheaboveandfeelingnervous,takeadeepbreath.Thegoodnewsisthatattachmentstylesaremalleableandcanbeadjustedthroughconsciousintentionandpractice.Youcanchangeyourattachmentstyle.Here'showtogetthingsbackontrackifyouhavefearful-avoidantattachment: 1.Lookintotherapy. Ifyourfearfulavoidancereallyistiedtoexperiencingtraumainchildhood,therapymustplayanimportantroleinhealingfromthisattachmentwound.FavezandTissotrecommendpursuingatypeoftherapythatfocusesonattachment,suchasemotionallyfocusedcoupletherapy. 2.Developamindfulnesspractice. It'sessentialthatyoustartunderstandingwhyyoumakethedecisionsyoumakeregardingyourrelationships,andmindfulness—thepracticeofbeingpresentandawareofone'semotions—canbeagoodwaytoworkonbuildingupyourself-awareness."Inrelationships,shiftingfromreactivenesstoresponsivenesscanliftusoutofourearlyattachmentpatternstowardahealthier,moresecurestyle,"licensedmarriageandfamilytherapistLindaCarroll,M.S.,writesatmbg."Nexttimeyoufeelapartnercomingtoocloseormovingtoofaraway,listentowhateachofyouissayingandhowit'ssaid.Youmightnoticethatyourwordsinemotionalsituationstriggeraphysiologicalreactionoffightorflight.Simplybecomingawareofeachother'soldfearsisthefirststepinpreventingthemfromcontrollingus." 3.Behonestwithyourpartners. Ifyourgoalistoultimatelyformacloseemotionalbondwithsomeone,you'llneedtotellthatpersonexactlywhatyouwantandwhyyoustrugglewithit.Thisway,youcanbothworkonsolutionstohelpovercomeyourhurdlesandgetcloser."Withanyprospectivepartneryoumeet,youshouldbehonestaboutyourownattachmenttypeandwhatitmeans,"PeterLovenheim,authorofTheAttachmentEffect:ExploringthePowerfulWaysOurEarliestBondShapesOurRelationshipsandLives,writesatmbg."There'snopointinpretendingtobemoreeagerthanyouareforintimacy,cuddles,andsoul-mating.Youwant,afterall,tofindsomeonewhoacceptsyourattachmenttypeandwillbecomfortablewithyoujustasyouare." 4.Getrealaboutself-compassion. Thisisn'tjustafeel-goodcatchphraseforyou.Atcore,peoplewithfearful-avoidantpersonalitiesaresufferingfromrelationshipinsecurity—aninstilledbeliefthatpeopleinyourlifearegoingtorejectorleaveyou,justlikeyourearliestcaregiversorlovedonesdid.Youneedtoactivelyworktobreakthattoxicmindsetthatviewsyourselfasunworthybecauseofwhathappenedinyourpast."Here'sthetruth:There'snopersonouttherewhocanhealyourattachmentissues,"couplescounselorMargaretPaul,Ph.D.,tellsmbg."Truehealingoccurswhenyoulearntobethelovingparentthatyouneverhadtoyourself.Inwhatwaysdidyourchildhoodhurtyou?Howcanyougiveyourselfthesecurity,support,andvalidationyouneverhad?" ResetYourGut SignupforourFREEdoctor-approvedguthealthguidefeaturingshoppinglists,recipes,andtips SIGNUP Youarenowsubscribed Beonthelookoutforawelcomeemailinyourinbox! KellyGonsalves ContributingSex&RelationshipsEditor KellyGonsalvesisamulti-certifiedsexeducatorandrelationshipcoachhelpingpeoplefigureouthowtocreatedatingandsexlivesthatactuallyfeelgood—moreopen,more... 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