Fearful Avoidant Attachment - Causes, Patterns, Tips From ...

"Fearful-avoidant attachment tells a person that their needs are not worthy of being met, and people will let them down," says Holland. "So they ... SearchAboutWomen'sHealthSubscribeShopSaleFitnessWeightLossMerchandiseEditors’PicksSex&LoveRelationshipsWeightLossKetoHealthFitnessFoodBeautyLifeHoroscopesValentine'sDayMother'sDaySummerGiftGuidesWorkoutWednesdayStyleHeartHealthMonthWHPromotions&EventsWHMHFitnessEquipmentNewsletterFollowFacebookTwitterGoogle+PinterestInstagramYoutubeWinUnitedStatesUSUKEspañaNederlandJapanDoNotSellMyPersonalInformationSkiptoContentHealthFitnessBeautyLifeRelationshipsSubscribesigninRichardDrury//GettyImagesIftherewasonego-toguidebookforrelationships,youbetmostpeoplewouldcommitittomemory.Buthumansareinnatelycomplex,emotionalbeingswithadistinctivecombinationofchromosomesandexperiencesthatshapehowtheyengagewithothers.Sothatstep-by-stepinstructionmanualforrelationshipswouldhavetobeabouteightbillioneditablepages—andcounting.Amorerealisticandmanageablewaytofigureoutrelationships:learningaboutyourattachmentstyle.Yourattachmentstyleisthemaincharacterinyourpersonalrelationships,andsomeareeasiertounderstandthanothers.Attachmentstyleshavebeenaroundsincethe1960s,whenpsychiatristJohnBowlbyformulatedthetheoryafterstudyinghowinfantsreactedwhenseparatedfromtheirprimarycaregivers(usuallytheirmothers).Hethenclassifiedtheirbehaviorsintofourpredominantattachmentstyles:secure,anxious,avoidant,andfearfulavoidant.Forsomeonewithfearfulavoidantattachmentstyle(alsoknownsimplyas"fearfulattachment"),relationshipanxietyandself-doubtoverwhelmsandjeopardizeshealthyconnectionswithothers.Butyourattachmentstyledoesn'thavetodefineyou—and,infact,canchangefromaninsecuretosecurewithtimeandeffort.Ahead,expertsexplainwhatyouneedtoknowaboutfearfulattachmentstyle—andhowtoheal.Whatcausesfearfulattachment?Fearfulattachmentisasubcategoryofinsecureattachment(alongwithanxiousandavoidant).Mostinsecureattachmenttypesdevelopduringchildhood,althoughit'spossiblethatyourexperiencesasanadultcanimpactyourattachmentstyle,explainsMaggieHolland,MA,MHP,LMHC.Peoplewithfearful-avoidantattachmentwerelikelyencouragedtobehighlyindependentasachild—tothepointoffeelinglikerelationshipsaren'tneededoraren'tsafe.Maybeparentsorguardianswereoverlystrictordismissiveoffeelingsandphysicalintimacy.Basically,becauseachild'semotionalandphysicalneedsweren'tmet,theylearnedtheycouldn'tdependonrelationships.RelatedStoryAllTheAttachmentStyles,ExplainedByExpertsAnysignificantexperiencethatleftyoufeelingabandonedorisolated,likewatchingyourparentsgothroughamessydivorceorexperiencingyourowntraumaticbreakup,canchangethewayyourelatetoothers.Evenwithpriorsecureattachment,whenyourcoreneedsareshakenfrompreviousrelationships,thataffectsyourbehaviorandfeelingsgoingforward.Whatarepeoplewithfearfulavoidantattachmentstyleafraidof?Whileit'simpossibletogeneralize,onafundamentallevel,peoplewithfearfulavoidantattachmenttendtofearrejection.Humansarenaturallysocialbeingsandcraveconnectionwithothers,butthosewithfearfulattachmentlearnedduringchildhoodthattheycannotdependonthoseconnectionstotakecareofthem."Fearful-avoidantattachmenttellsapersonthattheirneedsarenotworthyofbeingmet,andpeoplewillletthemdown,"saysHolland."Sotheyoftenwithdrawfromconnectiontoprotectthemselvesfromrejection."Scaredoffeelingalonebuthesitanttoformacloserelationship,fearfulavoidantpeopleoftentimeshaveahistorywhereattachmentisbroken,usuallystemmingfromchildhoodexperiencesofneglectoranykindofvolatilerelationship,saysSilviSaxena,MBA,MSW,LSW,CCTP,OSW-C.Thiscontentisimportedfrompoll.Youmaybeabletofindthesamecontentinanotherformat,oryoumaybeabletofindmoreinformation,attheirwebsite.Whatdothosewithfearfulavoidantattachmentwant?"Peoplewithafearfulattachmentstylehavethesamebasicneedthatallhumansdo—toconnectandformdeepbondsthatcreateafeelingofsafetyandsecurity,"saysDr.KristaJordan,PhD,apsychotherapistinAustin,Texas.RelatedStoryHowToTellIfYouHaveAvoidantAttachmentStyleFulfillmentinclose,stablerelationshipswithfriendsandaromanticpartner(s)isthegoal,butthosewithfearfulavoidantattachmenthavelearnedthathavingneedsandwantsthatinvolveotherpeoplealwaysendsinbeingdismissed,feelingunseen,andgettingrejected.So,whenaconnectionbecomestooclose,itfeelsdangerous,saysHolland."Thatdoesn'tmeantheydon'twantthem,itjustmeansthattheyhavebeentaughtthatrelationshipscanbeasourceofpain,"sheadds.Whatisfearfulattachmentinadults?Fearfulattachmentinadultsessentiallylooksthesameasininfancy:there'samassiveconflictbetweenthedesiretobeclosetopeopleandfeelsafe."Inthebaby,thisplaysoutwithphysicalmovements,butinadults,it’smoreintherelationshipdynamic,"saysJordan.Afearfulbabymaystarttomovetowardstheparentandthensuddenlystopandcollapseoutoffear,explainsJordan."Afearfuladultmaycallyouandsetupadateandthenatthelastminutecanceloutofasurgeofanxietythatfeelsintolerable,"sheexplains.RelatedStoriesWhatIsAnxiousAttachmentStyle?ExpertsExplainWhyHavingASecureAttachmentStyleIsIdealDuelingneedsforclosenessandsafetycanoverwhelmpeopletothepointwheretheyfeelit'sbestjusttobealone.Adultswithfearfulattachmentstylecanfeelunworthyoflove,admiration,andconnection."Asbabies,theyexperiencedapatternofgoingtotheircaregiverswithaneed,andthatcaregiverdidn'trespondandmeetthatneed;thisprobablyseemssmalltousasadults,butinachild'smind,thisisactuallyafull-outrejection,"saysHolland.Becausetheylearnedthispatternaschildren,"adultswithafearfulattachmentwilloftenbegintogetclosetosomeoneelse,andthenwithdrawfromtherelationshipinordertosparethemselvesfromtherejectiontheyexpecttohappen,"explainsHolland.Keepingcloserelationshipsatadistanceoravoidingaskingforhelpistypicalbehaviorassociatedwiththisattachmentstyle.Theirowninsecuritiesandfearsstopthem—"it'sthebrain'swayofprotectingitselfbecauseithaslearnedthatthatkindofrelationshipmaybeunsafe,"saysSaxena.Howdoyoulovesomeonewithfearfulattachment?There'snostrictrulebooktolovingpeople,butifyou'reinarelationshipwithsomeonewhohasfearfulattachmentstyle,hereareafewexpert-approvedguidelinestofollow:1.Show—andtell—themyou'reasourceofstability."Themostimportantthingyoucandoismakesureyouuseclearanddirectcommunicationwithyourpartner,andthatyouonlysaywhatyoumean,"saysHolland.Don'tcommittosomethingyouaren't100-percentsureyoucanfollowthroughon.Ittakespatience—yourpartnerneedstoseethatyouwillalwaysshowupforthemtimeandtimeagainforthemtotrulybelieveit.2.Replacetheirnegativeself-talkwithanewnarrative.Remember,peoplewithavoidantattachmentoftenthinknegativelyofthemselves.Tohelpthemunlearnthosetendencies,gentlyremindthemoftheirpositivequalitiesovertime.3.Don'ttaketheirbehaviorpersonally.Ifyourpartnerpushesyouawayduetobeingfearfulavoidantand/orhavingrelationshipanxiety,understandthatthisisnottheirresponsetoyou,butrathertheirresponsetorelationshipsingeneral."Rememberthatyourpartnermayhavelaiddownthesepatternsbetween12and36monthsofage,literallydecadesbeforeyouevermetthem,"saysJordan."...[Recognizingthat]canhelpyounotfeelhurtwhentheirdeepambivalenceshowsup."Watchthisvideotolearnhowyouactduringargumentsrelatestoyourattachmentstyle:4.Preparefornon-linearprogress.It'slikelythatyourpartnermaymoveforwardandthenbackslide—offerpatienceandreassurancewhenthishappens."Trustisveryimportanttoestablish,soyouneedtobecompletelytransparent,dependable,andhonest,"saysJordan."Theyareprimedtoseeothersasthreats,soyoumayneedtoworkextrahardtoshowthatyouareasafeperson."5.Understandthatyoucanonlydosomuch.Lovingsomeonewithfearfulattachmentstylemeanshelpingthemseeandunderstandtheirunderlyingissuesand,ifneeded,gettingprofessionalsupport.Ultimately,it'stheirjourneyandcommitmenttounderstandingthemselves,butyoucanlovethembybeingthereandbeingsupportive,saysSaxena.Howdothosewithfearfulavoidantattachmenthandlebreakups?There'sadeepwoundofabandonmentinpeoplewiththisattachmentstyle,andbreakupscanbeextremelytriggering."Eventhemost'healed'personcantakeitpoorly,butit'simportanttounderstandthatthewoundthatistriggeredisanoldwoundandthefeelingswhichcomefromthebreakupcanmakeitallfeelthesame,"saysSaxena.RelatedStoryWhatIsDisorganizedAttachmentStyle,Exactly?Mostofthetime,thepersonwithfearfulavoidantattachmentisprobablytheoneinstigatingthebreakup."Thisisofteninanattempttoprotectthemselvesfromwhattheyseeastheinevitable:theirpartnerrejectingthem,"saysHolland.Iftheyreallylikedyou,theymayfeelremorsefulandsad,buttheyultimatelyseeitasanecessaryhurt,sheadds.Incaseswheretheyaren'ttheinitiators,abreakupjustvalidatesallthefearstheyhaveaboutrelationshipsendinginrejection.Withdrawal,feelingsofdepression,andcyclesofnegativeself-talkmayensue.It'shardforthosewithfearfulavoidanttoseparateandnotallowabreakuptobeareflectionofself-worth."Fearfulavoidantattachmentindividualswillprobablyfeellikethey'deserve'thebreakup,thatitwasinevitable,andtheyaren'tlikelytofollowupwithquestionsortotrytoreignitetherelationship,"saysHolland.Theymaybedespondentoneday,andcoldanddisconnectedthenext.Theyareessentiallybeingdrivenbytwocompetingforcesinsideofthem—onethatwantsandneedsconnectionandonethatisdeeplymistrustfulandafraidofit,explainsJordan."Thepartofthemthatyearnsforconnectionwillfeeldepressedoverthebreakupbutthepartofthemthatfearsconnectionwillfeelrelieved."Howdoyoucommunicatewithafearfulavoidantperson?Communicationisthekeytoanystrongrelationship,butit'sespeciallyimportantwhendealingwithaninsecureattachmentstyle.Ahead,sometipsforproductiveandthoughtfultalks:1.Makeclarityapriority.Communicatewithfearfulavoidantpeoplethesamewayyou(hopefully)doinallyourrelationships:Beclear,bedirect,behonest,andfollowthroughwithwhatyousayyou'lldo,advisesHolland.Itcanbehardtocommunicatewithsomeonewiththisattachmentstylebecausethere'sanunderlyingsenseofanxiety.Tomakesureyouandyourpartnerareonthesamepage,Saxenasuggests"askingwhatwasheardtoensuretheotherpartyunderstoodaccurately...becausesometimestheanxietycanmessupthetrueintentionofwhatisbeingcommunicated."2.Reassurethemwithaffirmations.Expresscompassionandunderstandingsotheyknowyouaren'ttakingthingspersonally."Letthemknowthatyouwanttobethereandthatyouunderstanditmaybehardforthemtoreallyleanintorelationships,"suggestsJordan.RelatedStory'WordsofAffirmation'LoveLanguage,Explained"Expectthattheymayhavehistoriesofabuseorneglect,andhelpthemfeelateasetalkingaboutchildhoodexperiencesbyframingthemasstrongindividualswhomadeitthroughdifficultcircumstances(ratherthanvictims),"Jordanadds.Beopenandwillingtogotoattachment-basedcouplestherapy(likePACT)withthemtoprovideextrasupportastheyworkontheirrelationshipskills.3.Takestockofyourcommunicationpatterns.Giventheirsensitivitytosafety,beawareofraisingyourvoice,slammingthings,makingemotionalorphysicalthreats,ormakingthemfeelunsafeinotherways.Usingasoftervoice,amoregentletone,ortheoccasionalsmile—yes,eveninanargument—helpssignaltothemthatyouaren'tscary."Evenexpressivehandgesturescantriggerapersonwithatraumahistorytofeelunsafe,sobewillingtoconsideryourownunconsciouscommunicationpatternsthatcouldbecontributingtothemfeelingfrightened,"saysJordan.Rememberthattheyarelikelyviewingrelationshipsthroughatraumalens.Whentheyshareanythingwithyou,makesureyoulistenandvalidate,withoutjumpinginwithyourownstoriesorexperiences.4.Setboundariesinanon-threatening,productiveway.Afearfulpersonmayrespondandreactemotionallytoconfrontationandconflict,whichcouldtaketheformofabigemotionalblow-uporasilentdisconnection.That'swhyit'skeytocommunicateboundariesinakindway,withreassurancethatyourboundariesaren'tyoupushingthemawayorlovingthemanyless."Overtime,theycanre-patterntheirattachmentandhealthosewoundsiftheycanfindapartnerwhoiswillingtoputintheworkandhelpthem,"saysJordan.Ultimately,thekeytobuildingalong-lasting,healthyrelationshipwithafearfulavoidantpersonishonesty,patience,andtrust.HunterLevitanHunterLevitanisafreelancejournalistspecializinginfashion,style,culture,sex,andwellnessstories,aswellasawriter/poet,photographer,andmixedmediabrandconsultant.HerworkhasappearedinWhoWhatWear,Cosmopolitan,Women’sHealthMagazine,andTheImproperBostonian,amongothers.SheisagraduateofNewYorkUniversityandlivesinNewYorkCity.RelationshipsGemmaChanandDominicCooper’sBodyLanguageTheShortest‘Bachelor’NationRelationshipsAre'Bachelorette'RachelAndTinoStillTogether?Are'Bachelorette'GabbyAndErichStillTogether?Advertisement-ContinueReadingBelowAllTheSeason19'Bachelorette'FinaleSpoilersTaylorSwiftAndJoeAlwyn’sSynastryTomBrady&GiseleBündchenRelationshipTimelineBlakeLivelyAndRyanReynolds:AFullTimelineTylerStanalandAndBrittanySnow:ATimelineUpdate:LeoandGigiAren'tDatingJustYetJenniferLopez,BenAffleckRelationshipTimelineWhatIsTheKinseyScaleAndHowDoesItWork?Advertisement-ContinueReadingBelow