Fearful Avoidant Attachment - How it Develops in Childhood

Fearful avoidant attachment (also known as disorganized attachment in adults) is often seen in children who experienced trauma or abuse. Workbooks ForAllStyles Attachment&Bonding throughBodynamic Boundaries LearnEnergyManagement EmotionalAlchemy RestoreYourInnerBalance BalanceAttachmentRelationships FacilitatedbyLeadingExperts ApplyNow Workbooks Attachment&Bonding Boundaries EmotionalAlchemy BalanceAttachmentRelationships AnxiousAttachment Howdoesitdevelopinchildhood? AvoidantAttachment Whataresymptomsinadultrelationships? DisorganizedAttachment Whatisitliketodateadisorganizedadult? SecureAttachment The5conditionsforsecureattachment AnxiousAttachment AvoidantAttachment DisorganizedAttachment SecureAttachment HowFearfulAvoidantAttachmentDevelopsinChildhood PublishedonJune7,2021 UpdatedonFebruary19,2022 Knownasdisorganizedattachmentstyleinadulthood,thefearfulavoidantattachmentstyleisthoughttobethemostdifficult.Sadly,thisattachmentstyleisoftenseeninchildrenthathaveexperiencedtraumaorabuse. Thefearfulavoidantattachmentstyleoccursinabout7%ofthepopulationandtypicallydevelopsinthefirst18monthsoflife. Duringthisformativeperiod,achild’scaregivermayhavebehavedchaoticallyorbizarrely.Sometimestheparentcouldevenbehaveaggressively,causingthechildtoseethemas“scary”. Thisarticlewillcoveryourtopquestionsonfearfulavoidantattachmentinchildhoodincluding: Whenandhowdoesfearfulavoidantattachmentattachmentdevelopinchildhood?Whatarecommonbehaviorsofcaregiverswithfearfulavoidantchildren?Howdoesthechildwithfearfulavoidantattachmentperceivethecaregiver’sbehavior?Isyourchildfearfulavoidant?Wereyouafearfulavoidantchild?Checkthesecommonbehaviorsandcharacteristicsoffearfulavoidantchildren.Howdoesfearfulavoidantattachmentaffectthechild?Howcanachildberaisedtohavesecureattachment?Whatarethefiveconditionsrequiredtoraiseachildwithsecureattachment? Howdoattachmentstylesforminchildhood? Achild’sattachmentstyleisformedthroughthetypeofbondthatbuildsbetweenthemselvesandtheircaregivers.Throughthewaythattheirparentsmettheirneeds,achildformsexpectationsabouttheirworldandthepeopleinit. Thisoutlookhasabigimpactonmanyotherareasofthechild’slife.Forinstance,fromhowwillingtheyaretoexploretheirenvironment,tohowtheysocializewithotherchildrenandadults.Itevenaffectshowtheywillbehaveinadultrelationships.  Thefollowingtablecontainsthedifferentattachmentstylenames,includinghowtheychangefromchildhoodtoadulthood: AttachmentStyleInChildhoodInAdulthoodSecureSecureSecureInsecureAnxious-ambivalentAnxious-preoccupiedInsecureAnxious-avoidantAvoidant-dismissiveInsecureFearfulAvoidantDisorganized Howdoesfearfulavoidantattachmentdevelop? Fearfulavoidantattachmentdevelopsinchildrenwhencaregiversoftenexhibitcontrastingandunpredictablebehavior Thecaregiversmightshowcontrastingbehaviortowardshowtheyparenttheirchild.Forexample,theymightbehighlylovingattimes,butonotheroccasions,theymightnotevenmeetthechild’sbasicneeds.Asaresult,thiscreatesasenseoffearwithinachildfortheirownsafety. Thefearfulavoidantchildsubconsciouslyrealizesthattheircaregivercannotmeettheirneeds. Thecaregiver’sbehaviorisn’talwaysintentional Thecaregiversoffearfulavoidantchildrenmaynotintentionallybehavethisway.Oftentimes,caregiversparentinthewaythattheythemselveswereparented.Asaresult,theymaylackconfidenceintheirownabilitytosuccessfullyraiseachild.Theymightbeoverwhelmedandscared,thus,thechildisfrighteningtothem. Thiscancausethecaregivertobehaveunpredictably.Forexample,ononeinstancetheymightlaughandrewardaspecificbehavioroftheirchild,butanothertime,theymightbecomeoutragedandpunishthemfortheexactsamebehavior. Thechild’scaregiver–thepersonthattheydesireclosenesswithaboveallothers–isasourceofalarm.  Duetotheseunpredictableandchaoticactions,fearfulavoidantchildrenoftenstruggletounderstandhowtogettheirneedsmetastheycan’tadapttotheirparent’sbehavior.It’sjusttoounpredictable. Thustheyendupconfusedandconflictedabouthowtheyshouldact;theirexperienceisthatoffearwithoutasolution. Let’squicklyrecaphowafearfulavoidantchild’scaregiversmightact: Maybehaveerraticallyorbizarrely,causingtheirchildtoseethemas“frightening”Mightexhibitcontrastingandunpredictablebehaviorstowardstheirchild,suchasactingaffectionateononehandandaggressiveontheotherwithoutaclearrationaleTheypotentiallyhadachaoticchildhoodoftheirownMightbeoverwhelmedbytheprospectofparentingastheylackconfidenceintheirabilities  Howdoesafearfulavoidantchildbehave? AftertheStrangeSituationexperimentin1969,MaryAinsworth‘scolleagueMaryMainnotedthatwhenababy’smotherlefttheroom,thesecurelyattachedchildrenbecameveryupset.Onceshereturned,thesechildreninstantlyrantoherforcomfortandaffection.Afterthatsoothingmoment,theyhappilyresumedplayingbythemselves. However,incontrast,achildwithafearfulavoidantattachmentwillactconflictedtowardstheircaregiver.Theymayatfirstruntothem,butthenseemtochangetheirmindandeitherrunawayoractoutagainsttheirmother. Asissymptomaticoftheirattachmentstyle,theydesirecomfortandclosenesswiththeircaregiver,butassoonastheygotnearthemtheirfearofthemwastriggered. Ababyorayoungchildwithafearfulavoidantattachmentmightbehaveinbizarreways. Forexample,theymightstareattheirparentbutavoideyecontact.Theymayscreamendlesslyasifinanattempttoengagetheircaregiver.Lastly,theysometimesshowconflictingactionssuchasseekingattentionandthenshuttingitdownpromptly. Fearfulavoidantchildrendonotfeelsafeandsecureintheworld Aslightlyolderchildwithafearfulavoidantattachmentmightfindithardtoself-soothe.Further,theymaystrugglewithopeninguptootherpeople.Sincetheydonotfeelsafeandsecureintheworld,sothey’realwayslookingoutforthenextnegativeevent. Fearfulavoidantchildrensometimeshavenosenseofpersonalboundaries.Forexample,theymightdiscussintimateandinappropriatedetailswithpeopleunfamiliartothem.Theymayalsoonlybeabletomaintainshortandsuperficialinteractionswithothers. What’smore,theytendtoshownobiasbetweenpeoplefamiliartothemandstrangers.Theymaylackasenseofguilt,showflightybehavioranddifficultyinconcentrating.Theyalsooftenhaveahardtimekeepinglong-termfriendsordeeprelationships. Sometimes,childrenwithafearful-avoidantattachmentstylerequireprofessionalhelp.Otherwisetheycouldbeatriskofcarryingthesebehaviorsintoadulthoodandtheirrelationships. Torecap,achildwithafearfulavoidantattachmentstylemay: BehaveconflictedtowardstheircaregiverDesirecomfortandlovefromtheirparent,butalsofearthemExhibitseeminglyunexplainablebehaviors,suchasstaringwithouteyecontactHavedifficultieswithself-soothingHavedifficultiesallowingthemselvestobevulnerablearoundothersLackpersonalboundariesNotfeelingsecureintheirworldStruggletomaintainmeaningfulinteractionsNotdiscriminatebetweenpeopleunfamiliartothemandstrangers Howcanafearfulavoidantchildberaisedtodevelopasecureattachment? Thereisnoparentinghandbook,so,attimes,itcanbeatrickyareatohandle.Howmuchattentionandlovearetoolittle,andhowmuchissmothering? Fortunately,childrenarebornwithstrongsurvivalinstinctsbasedontheirinabilitytosurviveontheirownandtheirrelianceonadultsforloveandsafety.Thus,theygiveoutsignalstonotifytheircaregiversthattheyneedsomething. Howtheparentrespondstothesecuesfromtheirchildrencanbedifferentbetweenasecureandinsecureattachmentstyle.Thechartbelowshowswhathappensinahealthycycle. TheFiveConditionsforraisingasecurelyattachedchild Inordertoraiseasecurelyattachedchild,therearefivekeyareasthatacaregivershouldstrivetofulfill(Brown&Elliott,2016): 1.Thechildfeelssafe First,achildneedstofeelsecureandsafeintheirworldinordertothrive. Forababyortoddler,theircaregiveristheirprimesourceofsafety.Forexample,iftheyarearound,thechildwillfeelconfidentthatnoharmwillcometothem,thattheywillbefed,andkeptwarm. Yetit’simportanttocatertothechild’sneedswithacertainamountofawareness.Caregiversshouldallowchildrenthechancetodevelopindependencewhilestilllettingthemknowthattheyarenearby. Thecaregiveristhechild’sbarrieragainstharm,lettingthemknowthattheyareprotectedandloved. 2.Thechildfeelsseenandknown Secondly,wehavewhatwerefertointheattachmentfieldas“attunement”. Forayoungchild,theircues(criesandsignals)aretheiroutwardvoicetolettheircaregiverknowwhattheywantandneed.Itis,therefore,vitalthatthecaregivercorrectlyreadsthesecues. Iftheparentisintunewiththechild’scuestheywillrespondintheproperway.Therebylettingthechildknowthatwhentheyneedsomething,theycansignalforitanditwillbegiven. Thisgivesthechildasenseoffreedom;theirworldisreliable,andabovealltheycanexertacertainamountofcontroloverit. 3.Thechildiscomforted Certainly,toraiseasecurelyattachedchild,caregiversneedtobeopen,warm,andinviting. Afterall,theworldcansometimesbeascaryplacetoasmallchild.Forinstance,ifthechildexperiencesanydisappointments,theyneedtoknowthattheircaregiverswillbetheretohelpsoothethem. Intime,thechildlearnstorecognizethisasthenormandastheygrowup,theyusetheircaregiver’sactionsasthetemplateformanagingtheirownupsets. 4.Thechildfeelsvalued Inaddition,wehavetheprocessofbuildingahealthyself-esteem.Valueforwhoweareasapersonstartsasababy. Asaresult,caregiversshouldaimtoexpressjoyandprideoverwhotheirchildisratherthanoverwhatthechilddoes. Thechildstartstorealizethattheyarevaluable–unconditionally–fromwhattheyachieve. 5.Thechildfeelssupportforbeingtheirbestself Finally,achildshouldfeelsupportedtohappilyexploretheirworld.Toachievethis,aparentneedstobelieveintheirchild’sability.Incaseanythinggoeswrong,theparentshouldstayclosetothechild. Bydoingso,they’reallowingthechildtogrowwhilewatchingfromasafedistance.Inturn,thechildwilldevelopasenseoffreedomtoexploreanddevelopastrongsenseofself. Furtherreadingrelatedtofearfulavoidantattachment Thisarticleisonlythetipoftheicebergwhenitcomestoknowinghowtoraiseachildwithasecureattachment. Ifyou’reinterestedinknowingmore,thenwesuggestreadingsecureattachmentfromchildhoodtoadultrelationshipsanddisorganizedattachmentinadultrelationships.WealsorecommendthebookTheImportanceofLoveRaysbyattachmentspecialistPaulaSacks.  Ifyouprefertogotherouteofaworkbook,werecentlyreleasedourfirstseriesofattachmentstyledigitalworkbooks. DisorganizedAttachmentDigitalWorkbook Ifyourrelationshipsoftentakeyouonanemotionalrollercoaster,thisbookmightjustbethestepyouneedtotaketobeginyourjourneytopositivechange! ViewWorkbookDetails Ournewdisorganizedattachmentdigitalworkbookincludes: 193pageswith36practicalexercisesHowdisorganizedattachmentaffectsyouinover10differentareasoflifeGroundbreakingandup-to-dateresearchondisorganizedattachmentAneasy-to-digestintrotoattachmenttheoryCasestudies,summaries,andreflectionsections Sources: Bowlby,J.(2012).ASecureBase:ClinicalApplicationsofAttachmentTheory.London:Routledge. Brown,D.P.,Elliott,D.S.(2016).AttachmentDisturbancesinAdults:TreatmentforComprehensiveRepair.NewYork:W.W.Norton. Salter,M.D.,Ainsworth,M.C.,Blehar,E.W.,Wall,S.N.(2015).PatternsofAttachment:APsychologicalStudyoftheStrangeSituation.NewYork:Taylor&Francis. RelatedArticles AttachmentTheory WhatisInsecureAttachmentandHowDoesitDevelopinChildhood? 19Jul2021 Insecureattachmentdevelopsifachildfeelsthattheirneedsarenotmet. ADHD TipsforManagingADHDforInsecureAttachers 13May2022 DiscoveranumberofpowerfulstrategiestomanageADHDsymptomsefficiently.Ourtipsinthisblogpostaredesignedspecificallyforpeoplewithinsecureattachment. AttachmentTheory HowDoesAnxiousAvoidantAttachmentDevelopinChildren? 2Jun2021 Anxiousavoidantattachmenttypicallydevelopsinthefirst18monthsoflife.Duringthisformativeperiod,achild’scaregivermayhavebeenemotionallyunavailabletothemmostofthetime. Getmentalhealthtipsstraighttoyourinbox Iwouldliketosignupforthenewsletter Iagreewithtermsandconditionsandprivacypolicy Δ Thiswebsiteusescookiestoimproveyourexperience.We’llassumeyou’reokwiththis,butyoucanopt-outifyouwish. ACCEPT