The Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Style, Explained - Bustle

A person with a fearful-avoidant attachment style may have experienced both instability and a lack of care and attention from their parents or ... GettyImages/jeffbergenAttachmenttheorymayhaveoriginatedin1958byBritishpsychiatristJohnBowlby,butit’sbecomeapopularconversationtopiconline(withover348.3millionTikTokviewsonthetopic).Ifyou’renotfamiliar,Bowlbydiscoveredthattheexperiencespeoplehadwiththeircaretakersininfancyandchildhoodlaterinformedhowtheybehavedinrelationshipsasadults—especiallyromanticones.Thinkofyourattachmentstyleasasortofinterpersonalpersonalitytype.Therearefourdifferentattachmentstyles:secure,anxious,avoidant,andfearful-avoidant.Eachstemsfromthepresence,orlackthereof,ofparentalbehaviorslikenurtureandattentiontowardtheirchildren,andeachcanpresentitsownchallengesinrelationships.Forthefearful-avoidantattachmentstyleinparticular,thiscaninvolve,well,exactlywhatitsoundslike—afearandavoidanceofintimacy.Itcanbehelpfultoknowifthisisyourattachmentstyle.That’sespeciallythecasewhenitcomestodatingandrelationships,asitcaninformhowyoufeelaboutthefoundationoftheconnectionwithyourpartner,accordingtolicensedclinicalsocialworkerBrianaDriver.“Ourattachmentstylelargelydictateshowwegainasenseofsecurityfrompotentialpartnersandintimateconnections,”DriverpreviouslytoldBustle.“Itoffersaframework—thinklovelanguagesbutsignificantlymorein-depth—towhatweneedfromapartnerinordertofeelseen,heard,andemotionallysafe,quitesimilartotheneedswemighthavehadasachildfromourcaregivers.”Afearful-avoidantattachmentstyle,then,designatessomedeficitsinwhatyoumighthavereceivedfromyourcaretakersinchildhood.Readonforinsightintothisattachmentstyleandwhatyoucandotoimproveyourrelationships.WhatIsAFearfulAvoidantAttachmentStyle?Whenafearful-avoidantpersonentersintoarelationship,theycanexperiencetraitsofbothanxietyandavoidanttendencies.“Peoplewithafearful-avoidantworkingmodelyearnforclosenessandrelationshipsyetarefearfulofgettingclose,fearfulofgettinghurt,”saysDr.AmirLevine,psychiatrist,neuroscientistatColumbiaUniversity,andco-authorofAttached:TheNewScienceofAdultAttachmentandHowItCanHelpYouFind—AndKeep—Love,tellsBustle.“Theywanttobeinarelationship,buttheyalsoareverysensitivetopotentialhurtsanddisappointmentsandworryaboutthatalot.”WhatCausesAFearfulAvoidantAttachmentStyle?AsBowlby’sresearchfound,attachmentstylesareformedbasedonthenatureoftherelationshipbetweenchildrenandtheircaregivers.Apersonwithafearful-avoidantattachmentstylemayhaveexperiencedbothinstabilityandalackofcareandattentionfromtheirparentsorcaregivers,creatingacomplicatedmixofissuesthatcancarryintotheiradultrelationships.Theirparentsmayhavebeenemotionallydistantorunavailable(atraitofsomeonewithanavoidantattachmentstyle),andnotshowntheloveornurturingthatthechildneededtodevelopasecureattachment.Dr.Levinealsosaysthatit’spossibleforsomepeople’sfearful-avoidantattachmenttohavebeeninformedbyexperienceswithotherpeopleinotherstagesoflife.“Oftentimesintheresearchliteraturethere’saconnectiontopotentialtraumabyapersonyouwerecloseto—leadingpeopletofearcloseness—havingexperienceditassomethingthatishurtfulordangerous,”hesays.Despitethis,though,healsostressesthatresearchonadultattachmentismuchmoreestablishedinitsrelationtochildhoodexperience.HowToKnowIfYouHaveAFearfulAvoidantAttachmentStyleIfyouhaveafearful-avoidantattachmentstyle,certainsituationsmayringtrue.“Atrueyearningforcloseness,yetarealfearofitandavoidanceofclosenessatthesametimeisahallmarkoffearful-avoidantattachmentstyle,”saysDr.Levine.Youmayalsobeextrasensitivetopotentialrejection.Andthisiswhyfearfulavoidantstendtogooutwithpeoplethey’relessattractedto—itfeels“lessthreatening”tothem,Dr.Levineexplains,andthentheydon’tunderstandwhytheycan’tmaketherelationshipwork.Thisattachmentstylecanoftengetintothesametroublesomepatternsondatingapps.“Youswipeleftonpeopleyou’reattractedtoonappsjustbecauseunconsciously—andsometimesquiteconsciously—itfeelsthreatening,”Dr.Levinesays.Youmightconvinceyourselfthatthere’ssomethingwrong—youdecidetheyseemarrogant,orthey’retooyoungortooold.Inotherwords,you’llfindreasonstorejectthepeopleyou’remostdrawnto,heexplains.Asaresult,thoseinthissituationmightendupwonderingwhytheycan’tfindtherightpartnerforthem.HowAFearfulAvoidantAttachmentStyleCanAffectYourRelationshipsAsDr.Levinesays,fearful-avoidantpeopledodesireloveandintimacy,buttheyalsotendtoputupmetaphoricalwallsandpushtheirlovedonesawayforthesakeofkeepingthemselvesandtheirfeelings“safe.”Thiscanaffecttheirabilitytotrulyconnectwithothers,whomightfeellikethefearful-avoidantpartneriskeepingthematbay.Likeanypsychologicaltrait,however,attachmentstylesaffecteveryonedifferently.Onepersonmayexperiencethesymptomsofananxiousattachmentstylemuchmoreintenselythananotherperson,ortheymayseeacompletelydifferentimpactontheirownrelationship.Thatsaid,peoplewithafearful-avoidantattachmentgenerallyexperiencedifficultywithbothsecurityandopennessintheirpartnerships,saysDr.Levine.“Studiesshowthatpeoplewith[a]fearful-avoidantattachmentstylestruggletomaintainstabilityinarelationshipandstrugglegettingintoone,”hetellsBustle.HowToDealWithAFearfulAvoidantAttachmentStyleHavingafearful-avoidantattachmentstylecansometimesimpedeyoureffortstomaintainhealthy,securerelationships—butit’snotimpossibletocounteractsomeofthesenegativeeffectsandmakestridestowardsovercomingyourfearful-avoidanttendencies.Dr.Levine’snumberonetip?Don’tbeafraidtoventureintotheunknown.“Inallrelationships,whenyoustartgoingoutwithsomeone,youessentiallytakealeapoffaith,”heexplains,notingthatfearful-avoidantsfeelmoreanxietywhentheydothis.Whilesomeonewithasecureattachmentstylecanmuchmoreeasilynavigatethedatingworld,Dr.Levinesaysthatfearful-avoidantsneedlotsofreassuranceandrealtoolstoconvincethemthatthey’reontherighttrack.Thishelpsthemfeelmoreconfidentastheymoveforward.Inordertodothis,youcantrytocommunicateyouremotionalneedswithyourpartnerandgivethemsomeideasofwaystheycanaffirmyouormakeyoufeelmoresecure.Thesuccessofallpartnershipscomedowntocommunicationandtrust.Althoughafearful-avoidantattachmentmaymakethosemoredifficulttocommitto,Dr.Levinebelievesthat,withself-awarenessandeffort,itispossibletocreatehealthyandfulfillingconnections.“Withsomehelpandguidance,fearful-avoidantscanmakegreatstridesinbreakingthisandotherineffectivecycles.”Thefirststep?Takethatleap.Studiesreferenced:Kidd,T.(2011).Examiningtheassociationbetweenadultattachmentstyleandcortisolresponsestoacutestress.Psychoneuroendocrinology.https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3114075/Experts:BrianaDriver,licensedclinicalsocialworkerDr.AmirLevine,psychiatrist,neuroscientistatColumbiaUniversity,andco-authorofAttached:TheNewScienceofAdultAttachmentandHowItCanHelpYouFind—AndKeep—LoveMorelikethisHingeAddedAVideoPromptFeature,SoGetYourCameraRollingByHannahOrenstein19LatinxTherapists&MentalHealthExpertsToFollowOnInstagramByKaitlynWylde,NaydelineMejiaandLexiInksAreQualityTime&Gift-ReceivingLoveLanguagesCompatible?ByLexiInksTheDifferencesBetweenPolyamory&OpenRelationshipsByLexiInksGetEvenMoreFromBustle—SignUpForTheNewsletterFromhairtrendstorelationshipadvice,ourdailynewsletterhaseverythingyouneedtosoundlikeapersonwho’sonTikTok,evenifyouaren’t.I’dalsoliketoreceive:UpNextSubmitSEARCHCLOSEEntertainmentSeeAllTV&MoviesBooksCelebrityMusicStreamingStyleSeeAllFashionBeautyCelebrityStyleWellnessSeeAllHealthRelationshipsSelfLifeSeeAllAstrologyTechFoodTravelRuleBreakersOriginalsAmplifyingOurVoicesShopVideoBeautopiaChooseanedition:US/UKNewsletterAboutArchiveDMCAAdvertiseTermsPrivacyMastheadEditorialStandards©2022BDGMedia,Inc.Allrightsreserved.