Anxious Attachment Style: Causes, Signs & How To Heal

Anxious attachment is a type of insecure attachment style rooted in a fear of abandonment and an insecurity of being underappreciated. People with an anxious ... SkiptocontentHealthCoachingClassesShopLoginLoginYourcartisempty.Ouronlineclassesandtrainingprogramsallowyoutolearnfromexpertsfromanywhereintheworld.ExploreclassesSearchCloseCartPersonalGrowth|expertreviewedAnxiousAttachmentStyle:Causes,Signs&HowToHealAuthor:AbbyMooreExpertreviewer:HilaryJacobsHendel,LCSWReadMoreUpdatedonAugust19,2022EditorialOperationsManagerByAbbyMooreEditorialOperationsManagerAbbyMooreisaneditorialoperationsmanageratmindbodygreen.SheearnedaB.A.inJournalismfromTheUniversityofTexasatAustinandhaspreviouslywrittenforTribezamagazine.ExpertreviewbyHilaryJacobsHendel,LCSWAEDPCertifiedPsychotherapistHilaryJacobsHendel,LCSW,isacertifiedpsychoanalyst,AEDPcertifiedpsychotherapistandsupervisor,andlicensedclinicalsocialworker.Sheisauthoroftheaward-winningself-helpbook'It’sNotAlwaysDepression.'WhatitisHowitdevelopsSignsDatinghabitsTriggersHowtofixitTakeawayLastupdatedonAugust19,2022Accordingtotheprinciplesofattachmenttheory,thewaywebehaveinourrelationships—calledanattachmentstyle—isadirectreflectionofthewaywewerecaredforasbabies.Ifyou'resomeonewhotendstobeveryinsecureinyourrelationshipsorwhotendstoneedalotofvalidationfromyourpartners,youmayhaveananxiousattachmentstyle.ResetYourGutSignupforourFREEdoctor-approvedguthealthguidefeaturingshoppinglists,recipes,andtipsEnteryouremailAdvertisementThisadisdisplayedusingthirdpartycontentandwedonotcontrolitsaccessibilityfeatures.Whatisananxiousattachmentstyle?sleepsupport+Setyourselfupforsuccesswithagoodnight'ssleep.*★★★★★★★★★★(379)ShopnowShopnowAnxiousattachmentisatypeofinsecureattachmentstylerootedinafearofabandonmentandaninsecurityofbeingunderappreciated.Peoplewithananxiousattachmentstyle,alsocalledpreoccupiedattachmentdisorder,oftenfeelnervousaboutbeingseparatedfromtheirpartner.Roughly20%ofpeoplehaveananxiousattachmentstyle,accordingtoresearch."Whenpeoplehavethisattachmentstyle,theirinnerworldandtheworldwiththepeopleclosesttothemfeeluncertain,"clinicalpsychologist.BobbiWegner,Psy.D.,writesinherupcomingbookRaisingFeministBoys,"sothereislittleroomtobeempathicandextendoutintheircircleofconcern."Anxiousattachmentisoneofthefourmainattachmentstyles:secureattachment(characterizedbytheabilitytoformsecurerelationshipswithease),avoidantattachment(characterizedbyemotionalunavailability),anxiousattachment,andfearful-avoidantattachment(acombinationofanxiousandavoidantattachmentstyles).SummaryAnxiousattachmentisatypeofinsecureattachmentstylerootedinafearofabandonmentandaninsecurityofnotbeingappreciated.AdvertisementThisadisdisplayedusingthirdpartycontentandwedonotcontrolitsaccessibilityfeatures.RELATED:WhatIsYourAttachmentStyle?AttachmentTheory,ExplainedHowanxiousattachmentdevelopsAnxiousattachmentisformedinchildrenwithanunpredictableoremotionallyinsensitiveparent. Onemomenttheparentwillbelovingandavailable.Inthenextmoment,they'renotmeetingbasicneedsforlove,security,orattention,Wegnerexplains."Thisleavesachildnotknowingwhattoexpectandhungryforattentionandconnection."Becauselovewasnotalwaysextendedasakid,peoplewithanxiousattachmenthaveahardtimedependingonothers."Forsome,childhoodrelationshipsmayhavetaughtthemtodeeplydistrustclosenesstoothers—thatthoseyouloveanddependuponcanbeemotionallyunpredictable,evenabusive,"psychologistDebraCampbell,Ph.D.,explains.SummaryAnxiousattachmentisoftentimesformedinchildrenwithanunpredictableoremotionallyinsensitiveparent,whichleavesachildconfusedandstrivingforloveandconnection.AdvertisementThisadisdisplayedusingthirdpartycontentandwedonotcontrolitsaccessibilityfeatures.Signsofananxiousattachmentstyle:Insecureinrelationships Clingyorpossessive Scaredofrejection Jealous DistrustingofothersOverwhelmedbyintimacybutlongforit Lowornegativeviewofself RELATED:9StepsToHealingYourAttachmentIssuesInRelationshipsAdvertisementThisadisdisplayedusingthirdpartycontentandwedonotcontrolitsaccessibilityfeatures.DatingwithananxiousattachmentstyleBecausetheirparent-childrelationshipsweren'tconducivetovulnerabilityorcloseness,peoplewithanxiousattachmentlongfordeepconnectionandlove.However,thesesamechildhoodexperienceshavemadethemfinditdifficulttotrustpeopleclosetothem,includingtheirpartners,andcreatesoverwhelminginsecurityabouttheirrelationships.Thisinsecuritymaycausethemtobecomepossessive,overlydependent,andclingytowardtheirpartner,holisticpsychologistNicoleLippman-Barile,Ph.D.,says.Inanattempttoholdontotheirpartner,theymayenduppushingthemaway. "Peoplewhoareanxiouslyattachedoftencomeoffasemotionallyneedy,"Wegnersays.Ratherthancommunicatingtheirneeds,though,theytendtoactonthem.Thisoftenleadstoarelationalpatternofactingout,followedbyrequiringsoothing. Forexample,theanxiouspartnerhasapanicattackwhentheirsignificantothergoesoutwithfriends.Toaccommodatetheanxiouspartner'sneeds,theystayhomenexttimearound."Unfortunately,thisdynamichappensallthetime,andthepartnerendsupresentfulandfrustrated,"Wegnersays.Toachieveahealthyrelationship,theanxiouslyattachedpersonshouldseeksomeonewithasecureattachmentstyle(orsomeonewhoworkswiththemtohaveasecureattachmenttogether).Unfortunately,theiractionstendtoattractavoidantstyles—whichconfirmstheirfearsofabandonmentandrejection,Lippman-Barilesays.SummaryDatingwithananxiousattachmentstylecanbedifficultastheirchildhoodexperienceshavemadeitdifficulttotrustpeopleclosetothem,includingromanticpartners.Itmaycausethemtobecomepossessive,overlydependent,andclingytowardtheirpartner.AdvertisementThisadisdisplayedusingthirdpartycontentandwedonotcontrolitsaccessibilityfeatures.AnxiousattachmenttriggersBecauseoftheirgeneralinsecurities,therearemanyincidencesthatmayintentionallyorunintentionallytriggersomeonewithanxiousattachment,including: 1.Unresponsiveness"Onetriggerforananxiouslyattachedpersonistheirpartnernotrespondingtotextorcallsforaprolongedperiodoftime,"Lippman-Barilesays.Notknowingwhytheirpartnerisn'tansweringcancausethemtoworryaboutwhatmayhavehappenedorwhattheymayhavedonetopushtheirpartneraway.Anxietyatthestartofarelationshipiscommonformanypeople,butpeoplewithananxiousattachmentstylecarrythisanxietythroughouttheentiretyoftherelationship.2. PerceivedthreatorlossofarelationshipFormany,certainlevelsofconflictcanbehealthy.Butforpeoplewithanxietyattachment,talkingaboutissuesinanauthenticwaymaytriggerfearsofabandonment,Wegnerexplains. Iftheyheartheirpartnercommunicatedoubtsorfearsabouttherelationship,theymaycatastrophizeandautomaticallyassumetherelationshipisfallingapart—sometimesself-sabotagingtheirownrelationship.3.PartnerstartsactingmoreindependentIfananxiouslyattachedperson'spartnerstartsmakingnewfriendsorpickingupnewhobbies,thiscantriggerfearsofabandonmentandfeelingsofnotbeinginterestingenough.Forexample,Lippman-Barilesays,joiningabookcluborattendingasportsgamealonemaybeviewedbytheanxiouspersonastheirS.O.wantingtoleavethem. 4.Unpredictablebehavior"Whenananxiouspersondoesnotknowwhattoexpectintermsofyourrelationship,thiscreatesalotofinsecurityforthepersonandisverymuchtiedtotheirearlyattachmentwiththeircaregiver,"Wegnersays."Thiscanbeapartnerwhosaysalltherightthingsbutthendisappearsunexpectedly."5.DistancePeoplewithanxiousattachmentstyleneedconstantvalidation,Wegnersays,sodistance—evenifit'sperceived—canbetriggering."Thiscancomeintheformofapartnergoingoutwithfriends,connectingwithothers,orbeingunavailablebecauseofworkorfamilycommitments,"shesays. RELATED:TakeThisSimple5-MinuteQuizToFindOutYourAttachmentStyleHowtofixananxiousattachmentstyle:1.Becomeawareofyourattachmentstyle"Anawarenessofattachmentstyleshelpstoexplainourpotentialblockstotrust,closeconnection,andintimacyinadulthood,"Campbellsays.Understandingwhyyoutendtobehaveacertainwayinrelationshipsisthefirststepinbreakingthosepatterns."Everychangestartswithself-reflectionandself-awareness,"Wegnersays. 2.AdjustyourbehaviorAfterbeingmindfulofhowthisattachmentleadstoproblemsinyourrelationships,youcanstartmakingmoreinformeddecisions.Theanxiousbehaviorsyouhabituallyengageindon'tresultinwhatyoutrulywant,Lippman-Barilesays.Choosingdifferently—evenwhenitisscaryoruncomfortable—canhelpyoustarttomakechangesthatwillleadtoasecurerelationship. 3.ReachouttosomeoneyoutrustOvercomingananxiousattachmentstylewillusuallytakehelp.Reachingouttofamilyandfriendsyoutrustmaybeastart.Sincepeoplewithanxiousattachmentfinditdifficulttotrustpeopleclosetothem,Wegneralsorecommendsseekingouttherapy."Havingananxiousattachmentstyleisreallycommonandsomethingmosttherapistscanhelpwith,"shesays."Doingalittleworknowcansavealotofheartacheandheadachedowntheline."RELATED:7Expert-ApprovedBooksToTakeADeepDiveIntoAttachmentStylesThetakeawayBecauseattachmentstylesaredevelopedinresponsetoourinfantileunderstandingofconnection,itcanbedifficulttoovercometheseinstinctualpatterns.Butit'sdefinitelypossibletohealattachmentwounds.Withself-awarenessandwork,theseunhealthybehaviorscanbeovercome.ResetYourGutSignupforourFREEdoctor-approvedguthealthguidefeaturingshoppinglists,recipes,andtipsEnteryouremailResetYourGutSignupforourFREEdoctor-approvedguthealthguidefeaturingshoppinglists,recipes,andtipsEnteryouremailAbbyMooreEditorialOperationsManagerAbbyMooreisaneditorialoperationsmanageratmindbodygreen.SheearnedaB.A.inJournalismfromTheUniversityofTexasatAustinandhaspreviouslywrittenforTribezamagazine.Shehascoveredtopicsrangingfromregenerativeagriculturetocelebrityentrepreneurship.MooreworkedonthecopywritingandmarketingteamatSieteFamilyFoodsbeforemovingtoNewYork.